AP's are to blame for A too

[ladydesigner]

Well I just want to state that unless you are an OW or OM who did not know your partner was married, you are partially to blame for someone else's marriage, life, and family to fall apart.

 

I am so tired of reading how the AP bears no significance whatsoever to their partners M. I'm also tired of reading how they think the A is partially the BS's fault.

 

I really truly and honestly think this is faulty thinking on the OW and OM's part. Similar to the faulty thinking of the WS.

 

Does anyone else agree with this? I am just always dumbfounded by the responses of OW and OM. They remind me a lot of the WS.

[autumnnight]

Let's see. I go with someone to rob a bank, hold the money, drive the getaway car, and help them spend it?

 

Yep, I'm in on that robbery too.

[Jessie1231]

I agree with you. You read a lot that "people in happy marriages don't cheat." That may be true, but by being the person they cheat with you're helping to make a damaged marriage a lot worse.

[Woggle]

The only innocent victims in an affair are the betrayed spouse and the children if there are any.

[OMC]

Life is nothing but a series of choices. We are where we are due to the sum total of these choices to date.

 

 

Yes, AP chose to continue knowing there is a chance other relationships will blow up. BUT, they are NOT responsible for the choices our partners make. This is our partners choice, and only their choice.

 

 

It is human nature to be pissed at everyone, but do not lose sight that we all deserve to be in relationships where our partner does the right thing... regardless of any other influences that may be exerted.

[minimariah]

I am just always dumbfounded by the responses of OW and OM. They remind me a lot of the WS.

 

i was a BS once upon a time and i disagree with you.

 

in my opinion, a 3rd person can never be the reason your relationship or marriage failed. they're usually just a symptom of deeper & unrelated problems. i never cared for the OW, she was completely irrelevant to me. i never once even thought about her, never even asked for her name... that's just how much i wasn't bothered. it was my xH who betrayed me and i focused on him.

 

the only person who is to blame for the affair is the person who cheated - not the BS, not the other affair partner. HOWEVER... the BS can be guilty for the problems in marriage that were there prior to the A & eventually created space for the A to happen.

 

if you refuse to touch your wife and sleep with her, if you're rude to her and abusive towards her - don't be susprised that she looked elsewhere. if you were a bad spouse, then you're guilty for the problems that eventually led to your partner being unhappy and turning to someone else. of course, there are people who are really good spouses and bear no guilt. every situation is different.

 

what i don't understand... how can you blame the OW/OM? your spouse can always say no & do the right thing... so how can it be the other person's fault when they don't even know you or bear no responsibility for you?

[ladydesigner]

Life is nothing but a series of choices. We are where we are due to the sum total of these choices to date.

 

 

Yes, AP chose to continue knowing there is a chance other relationships will blow up. BUT, they are NOT responsible for the choices our partners make. This is our partners choice, and only their choice.

 

 

It is human nature to be pissed at everyone, but do not lose sight that we all deserve to be in relationships where our partner does the right thing... regardless of any other influences that may be exerted.

 

No the AP is not responsible for our spouse's choices but they are responsible for their own and their choice to blow up someone else's life is just not well redeemable in my eyes.

[OMC]

I didn't say that. Pls read before commenting.

[Selfish]

I think OW are behaving in a morally wrong when when they shrug of their involvement. They are breaking the basic "do unto others" and even human decency and kindness. There is nothing good, decent or kind to knowingly be involved with a taken person.

 

HOWEVER. Unless the AP was a friend, family member or becomes a bunny boiler, it is a waste of energy and breath to focus on the AP. In many cases they were interchangable. Is beig angry normal? Yes. But too often I have seen far too much blame put on the vehicle that was used to damage the marriage. I myself suffered this fate and it really is mind boggeling at times when it happens.

 

So if you are an OW, own the sorid role you played.

If you are the BS, give the ow (as long as she isn't an exception) as much time of day as it takes to acknowledge she had a role but what not the one who broke her word to you.

 

That's on your spouse.

 

So, WS 100% responsible for cheating

AP 100% responsible for choosing to be involved with someone who was elswheres comitted and lying to that person.

Bs 100% responsible for their actions (not emotions) up to and after DDay.

[ladydesigner]

I didn't say that. Pls read before commenting.

 

Where does the AP own their role though? I'm just trying to understand the thought process because it seems just as faulty as the WS.

[Clay]

Play with fire and your bound to get burned. There is a post in OM/OW where the OW is complaining about being stalked by the BS. I think if that is all she gets she should feel lucky. I personally just think divorce is the best option. Sure you can chase them down and harm them in some way shape or form but really what will that change. Your in the mess because your spouse cheated on you. Where this changes in my mind is if they decide they want to come rub it in my face or come to my home. Then all bets are off and they should have got out when things were going good.

 

Clay

[Selfish]

Play with fire and your bound to get burned. There is a post in OM/OW where the OW is complaining about being stalked by the BS. I think if that is all she gets she should feel lucky. I personally just think divorce is the best option. Sure you can chase them down and harm them in some way shape or form but really what will that change. Your in the mess because your spouse cheated on you. Where this changes in my mind is if they decide they want to come rub it in my face or come to my home. Then all bets are off and they should have got out when things were going good.

 

Clay

 

I have no one to blame but myself for his wife putting the entire affair on me. It was her issues that did that but if I hadnt had the affair well... No problem. I do believe she is responsible for that and is living in her own hell because of it but her actions don't make me less guilty. They just stopped her from taking positive actions.

[BetrayedH]

No the AP is not responsible for our spouse's choices but they are responsible for their own and their choice to blow up someone else's life is just not well redeemable in my eyes.

 

I get frustrated when APs seem to think it's ok to blow up the BSs life by having the affair with their spouse, but when it's time to think about coming clean with the affair then it's not their place to blow up their marriage. The crisis of conscience (suddenly caring about the BS) comes at a very convenient time such that NOW they shouldn't be in the middle of their marriage and it's only the wayward's place to come clean with the betrayed partner (as if that's gonna happen). It's all a little too convenient.

[Davey L]

Maybe, but it wasn't the AP that was loved and trusted, and that made a lifelong commitment only to break it.

[ladydesigner]

I have no one to blame but myself for his wife putting the entire affair on me. It was her issues that did that but if I hadnt had the affair well... No problem. I do believe she is responsible for that and is living in her own hell because of it but her actions don't make me less guilty. They just stopped her from taking positive actions.

 

I feel sorry for the BS in your situation. She probably wouldn't be in the hell that she is in if it weren't for the WS and the AP. I hope one day that she does take positive actions for herself. It sounds like she is stuck in a cycle she is having troubles getting out of. Intensive therapy can help that though.

[katielee]

We DO kind of make a lifelong commitment, simply by the fact we're human beings. By being born our charge in life is to be kind to others, to not knowingly hurt others, IMO. I made a bigger commitment to my BS, but I also broke the Mom code, the girl code, the human being code by taking part in an affair with my AP.

 

It may have been someone else he could have chosen, but I partook in something that I didn't need to. And I hurt other people, including her AND my BS. I'm sure there were times she couldn't parent or teach because of what I did. That is on me as well. It is imperative that the WS sees how their choices can impact so many, not just our own BS.

 

Thank you for this thread.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe, but it wasn't the AP that was loved and trusted, and that made a lifelong commitment only to break it.

 

Personally, I find myself able to multi-task and be upset with both the bank robber and the getaway driver simultaneously.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If an AP knows the person they are pursuing, flirting with, whatever...is married...they certainly are responsible for their own behavior. I cautiously use the word "blame"...because in my case...I had the ability to say no. I did not have to respond to flirting, i did not have to agree to a lunch date....i did not have to meet him...etc.

 

I think it speaks volumes about the character of a person who would pursue a married person...just as it speaks volumes about a married person that would cheat.

 

I live in a glass house...so I tend to not throw stones at others...

 

But for me...i do question...why did he pursue me? There were thousands of single ladies he could have gone after. He knew i was married...he knew i had babies....i have never understood why. Now...there are some people who really enjoy hunting what belongs to someone else...i get that...they somehow get their jollies by tearing apart someone else's lives. They enjoy the conquest.

 

In my case..I think my om truly enjoyed the conquest...i don't think he gave a royal flip about me as a person...or my family.

 

As for the OW....she was young...however she knew he was married...and she said things to him like...you don't want her...you know she will do it again. I find that laughable...here you are with MY HUSBAND telling him what a terrible person i am...REALLY?????

 

SO the bottom line for me is lack of respect....my om did not respect me...he did not respect my husband.....the ow did not respect my husband and she did not respect me.

 

DO I then throw stones at them and place the blame on them for our affairs? OR do i place the blame on us where it belongs?

 

At our house...we place the blame on us...but that doesn't mean we think the AP should get off scott free....i hope they are both miserable...i hope they both have to experience what we have been through..I hope they both know FIRST HAND how infidelity feels...

 

no... no.. i don't...because that would mean that someone entirely innocent would also suffer

 

ok...the buck stops here...

 

now mr adams does pray for someone demise....is that ok?

[ladydesigner]

SO the bottom line for me is lack of respect....my om did not respect me...he did not respect my husband.....the ow did not respect my husband and she did not respect me.

 

I agree with this Mrs. Adams. In fact I just brought this up recently that I am more disturbed by my WH's lack of respect for me than the A itself.

[Clay]

I have no one to blame but myself for his wife putting the entire affair on me. It was her issues that did that but if I hadnt had the affair well... No problem. I do believe she is responsible for that and is living in her own hell because of it but her actions don't make me less guilty. They just stopped her from taking positive actions.

 

 

I really do not know your full story to really make a comment on it. If you feel bad then really that is up to you. If his wife stayed with him that was her choice as well. I just think that there are very few cheaters that really deserve a second chance. I think the first step should be divorce and then if there is a chance to reconcile it takes place after the divorce.

 

Clay

[Mal78]

Well I just want to state that unless you are an OW or OM who did not know your partner was married, you are partially to blame for someone else's marriage, life, and family to fall apart.

 

I am so tired of reading how the AP bears no significance whatsoever to their partners M. I'm also tired of reading how they think the A is partially the BS's fault.

 

I really truly and honestly think this is faulty thinking on the OW and OM's part. Similar to the faulty thinking of the WS.

 

Does anyone else agree with this? I am just always dumbfounded by the responses of OW and OM. They remind me a lot of the WS.

 

Of course OW/OM should take ownership in participating in a *two* part affair. It always takes two to carry out an affair.

 

I do, however believe every situation and/or person are different and there are different circumstances. I've heard some OW/OM that was fed so much BS and was manipulate to believe the utter lies they are being told such as: We are in the middle of a divorce (unbeknownst to the BS). My wife cheated on me and we are done or we decided to have a open relationship...ect

 

I do believe serial cheaters almost make a career out of their craft. To bait, groom, manipulate and sink their next lover. They are rather good at it. When/if the A blows up the AP also goes through devastation, heartache and grief because she didn't know. Then guilt for putting another woman through that pain.

 

Of course there are the OW/OM who simply don't give 2s**ts. They are often arrogant and cocky about the whole thing and usually they are fed all sorts of bs about the BS, "sexless marriage", "there is no passion", "s/he is always angry and screaming at me"...ect and even if the A is revealed the OW/OM will stand by these reasons till the bitter end. "She was a b*tch, didn't know how to treat him good even though he treated her like gold and was a great Dad....pfft"

[JohnAdams]

I blame my wife's AP more than she does. Yes, she made the choice to cheat, she could have stopped, she was not forced aganist her will.

 

However, at the time, she was vulnerable and the OM knew it. He was an experienced womanizer. He was divorced from his wife because she caught him cheating multiple times. He was confident, smooth, good looking and knew just how to manipulate and say the right things. I think perhaps single women were so easy for him to get that he enjoyed the challenge of going after married women.

 

I have no doubt it was no accident when they met for lunch that he needed to run by his apartment for a minute. That his roommates just happened to be gone. It was all a clearly planned set-up that I am sure he had used with other women. I have only known a hand full of true players in my life, but, I have no doubt that this man was a cold calculating manipulator.

 

I somewhat kept up with his life after the fact. I know he was widely unliked as an arrogant jerk. He was fired from several colleges. Not sure of the reasons? Was he caught in affairs with other students and then quitely let go? He was a person in authority that abused his power.

 

I am not giving my wife a pass on this, I am just saying she let someone more clever than her manipulate her and he walked away with just another notch in the bedpost.

[Wondering33]

Being both the cheater & being cheated on, I never blamed the OW. The spouse is the one who stood at the alter with you, not the other person. The other person could have been anybody, if your spouse wants to cheat, they will. It rarely truly has anything to do with the person they actually did it with. Plus most times the spouse that's cheating is lying to the other person about how awful, lazy, abusive their spouse to make them feel like it's ok. When I cheated it was 100% my fault, my choice, OM didn't force me, I betrayed my spouse, not him & vice versa with my husband & his OW. I spoke to her once, she was honest & that was that, I hold no anger/resentment towards her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with this Mrs. Adams. In fact I just brought this up recently that I am more disturbed by my WH's lack of respect for me than the A itself.

 

yes and i failed to say how we both not only disrespected each other...but we disrespected ourselves by what we did.

 

AS a child the one lesson i learned well from my parents was respecting others...their property as well. I called everyone mr and mrs soandso...and i was taught to respect anyone in authority.

 

I remember one day as a child playing in the yard beside the street...it had rained and there was a puddle...and a man in a car...driving too fast...splashed me with that water and i called him a nut. My daddy blistered my butt and made me apologize to that man. One lesson of respect ..well taught...and well learned.

 

How then as an adult...could i disrespect the one man who truly deserved my respect more than anyone else?

 

It grieves me when i think i could have been that low.

[goodyblue]

I was definitely one of the arrogant ones. As time has gone on it has taken work to forgive myself even if every bad thing my guy said about his ex was true. Having an affair is wrong. But I can't go back so I go forward and live the most honest life I can.

 

I really.should be blamed and hated more than most OW, her husband left her. Yes, he left out of unhappiness, but he also left for me.

 

But I will always believe she is responsible for letting her marriage go. Not responsible for the actual affair, but responsible for him divorcing her.