Why is he back in touch?

[Jingle14]

I've posted on here numerous times over the last 3 or so years. To very quickly summarise, we got together in September 2010 after having - what we thought were unrequited - feelings for each other for almost 3 years.

 

 

A very passionate, intense relationship ensued, was meant to be forever etc - he was going through a divorce already, I split with my husband for him (unhappy marriage for years), so difficult times all round and he wasn't mature enough (even though we were both in our 40s) to cope with it all. I was going through health issues too, which affected my temper and I wasn't easy to be with (although I was mostly very loving and supportive).

 

 

I fell apart and was completely brokenhearted. I've remained single since we split in June 2011. We live in the same neighbourhood and have occasionally bumped into each other (and I did contact him a fair bit in the early days and on very, very rare occasions since - sometimes he replied, mostly he didn't), and we even spent the night together a couple of years ago.

 

 

In November 2013, I met him for a 'closure' meeting. All very civil but I got nothing from him. I'm very much calmer than I was - I'm very much changed, and for the better - and he can't help but have noticed this. I told him not a day had passed since we split that I hadn't thought of him.

 

 

I texted him twice last year. On the first, he replied but closed down any communication with a 'take care' ending. In my last text (last August) I said 'no reply necessary, I don't need a 'take care' pat on the head, be happy'. And that would have been that, I was done.

 

 

Last month, I attended a local community meeting (a protest against possible new builds on my estate). I was very surprised to see him there but he didn't know I'd seen him but, from where he was standing, I knew he must have seen me. Shortly before the meeting ending, he sneaked out and I assumed it was to avoid me.

 

 

The next day, he texted me, which I could not have been more shocked about. A friendly text, which I replied to and several messages - banter, actually - passed back and forth, which him replying when no reply was necessary. Never has he done this since we split. And then it stopped when he didn't reply to my last message.

 

 

It was my birthday last Saturday. I'd been hoping against hope he might text me (my birthday - a big one - was mentioned during the text exchange) but I was sure he wouldn't. Again, I was shocked when he actually posted a card to my house. I texted a thank you and several texts were exchanged, friendly ones. This time, I didn't reply to the last text (one wasn't needed). He mentioned he was away on holiday with his daughter (when there was no need to tell me, nor to say who he was with).

 

 

I'm puzzled. This has come out of the blue and is very, very unexpected. I'm being guarded but would welcome some viewpoints as to what's going on. I always thought he would avoid opening Pandora's Box again - my young son, now 13, took it all very badly but is now back to being my very loving boy - by having any contact with me, let alone instigating it himself.

[todreaminblue]

how do you feel about him?

 

 

from what you have written it seems you still have feelings there is that correct?

[Jingle14]

He was my 'one'. I'm still in love with him, I can't deny it. I'm keeping myself in check though and being very pragmatic about this contact, and also being friendly but measured in the replies I sent. If there is a chance, however slight, of reconciliation - and up to now I didn't think that would ever be the case - then I don't want to say or do anything to mess it up.

[todreaminblue]

He was my 'one'. I'm still in love with him, I can't deny it. I'm keeping myself in check though and being very pragmatic about this contact, and also being friendly but measured in the replies I sent. If there is a chance, however slight, of reconciliation - and up to now I didn't think that would ever be the case - then I don't want to say or do anything to mess it up.

 

 

i do feel you need to relax a little......he contacted you not the other way around.....i know you have mixed feelings but if you take a breath and concentrate on your son....and as far as the guy goes......let time tell what is going to happen god put him back in your life for a reason...i dont know if you believe in god...but theres a purpose to everything whether you believe in god or not....be calm...be peaceful...what will be will be...and it will be right for you and your wonderful boy....best wishes.....hope its wonderful whatever happens with the "one"...:0) and stay calm....deb

[Jingle14]

i do feel you need to relax a little......he contacted you not the other way around.....i know you have mixed feelings but if you take a breath and concentrate on your son....and as far as the guy goes......let time tell what is going to happen god put him back in your life for a reason...i dont know if you believe in god...but theres a purpose to everything whether you believe in god or not....be calm...be peaceful...what will be will be...and it will be right for you and your wonderful boy....best wishes.....hope its wonderful whatever happens with the "one"...:0) and stay calm....deb

 

Thanks, Deb, that's exactly what I'm doing - in fact my son and I are currently on holiday (birthday celebrations) in a beautiful cottage in my favourite part of the world and we're having a wonderful time. I do believe in God and I place my faith in Him that all will be well, in whatever He has in store for me - hopefully, that will include my 'one' but, if not, my life continues as it was doing before this contact.

 

 

I know going into crazy mode, chasing him or whatever will have absolutely the opposite effect and that patience and calm are my only options. As you say, he contacted me, but I just wish I knew why and what's in his mind.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks, Deb, that's exactly what I'm doing - in fact my son and I are currently on holiday (birthday celebrations) in a beautiful cottage in my favourite part of the world and we're having a wonderful time. I do believe in God and I place my faith in Him that all will be well, in whatever He has in store for me - hopefully, that will include my 'one' but, if not, my life continues as it was doing before this contact.

 

 

I know going into crazy mode, chasing him or whatever will have absolutely the opposite effect and that patience and calm are my only options. As you say, he contacted me, but I just wish I knew why and what's in his mind.

 

 

i can honestly say sometimes its best not to know what people are thinking...because thoughts can shift from one day to the next.......actions however....are harder not to be steadfast and true to the person doing them.....

actions are out there and felt by others......thoughts are ambiguous.....unless you act on them

 

if he acts go by his actions....and he is acting.....he is contacting you ...be sure of that.......dont go crazy girlfriend you are fine.....and you will be no matter what his actions are.......you will be fine...you were before eh contacted you and you would be again be fine if he stopped.......come on love shack when you feel a bit loopy....smilin....ill try and help you feel not so loopy..as other posters will hopefully give you some peace too ........or take you son out to the movies when you feel loopy and have some fun.......you will be fine....deb

[quattrob]

TC, I think you're overthinking things. From what you wrote, he was just being friendly and doesn't have any intentions at all to reconcile with you.

The times he didn't reply to your texts says a lot. He probably didn't want you to get any ideas about him wanting to be back in your life and he saw that you weren't ready (when I say ready I mean he saw you had hope in reconciling, which he doesn't).

 

 

Please do yourself a favor and just try to forget about him, if he wants or wanted to get back with you he would. Now he's just being friendly to you, nothing less and nothing more. Don't overthink things and confuse yourself. He did nothing out of the ordinary to imply anything else.

[Cupid's Puppet]

You've been single for almost 4 years? I hope not for him.

 

The texts don't seem to mean anything. He could have felt nostalgic. I had an ex from 8 years ago contact me in December. It was very random, and we talked awhile, but it meant nothing in the end. If he starts texting pet names, we may have more to go off of. Men are not shy about giving someone they like a pet name. It's like the number one sign a guy likes a girl (woman) in some kind of way.

[whichwayisup]

. I always thought he would avoid opening Pandora's Box again - my young son, now 13, took it all very badly but is now back to being my very loving boy - by having any contact with me, let alone instigating it himself.

For your son's sake, don't open that door again. And for yourself. Things didn't work out and four years later he's 'fishing' and you're thinking/reacting/possibly giving yourself a bit of hope.. Slam that door and leave it alone. Set up strong boundaries because if you don't, this man will hurt you all over again.

 

Four years, you have no idea what his life has been like, who he's been with or even now if he is with someone or back with his wife.

[lilacwine]

Hi Jingle,

 

I've followed your story ever since I knew about this site two years ago. I've been in the same situation just like you. Only difference is it's been 3 years for me since the breakup and of course no contact.

 

My heart sort of jumped when I saw this thread. I'm so happy for you. I mean it's like a miracle because it just happened after such a long span of time. I can imagine how you felt when you saw his text out of no where. Just like I've always imagined how I would feel if one day my "the one" contacts me again.

 

For me personally, I no longer dream of a reconciliation with him because I know for sure now he doesn't feel the same way about me. But I definitely wish to speak to him again one day, just as a friend. So I basically dream I could be in your shoes now. )

 

Anyway, it's been more than 2 weeks since your last entry. Any update please?

[Jingle14]

Hi Jingle,

 

I've followed your story ever since I knew about this site two years ago. I've been in the same situation just like you. Only difference is it's been 3 years for me since the breakup and of course no contact.

 

My heart sort of jumped when I saw this thread. I'm so happy for you. I mean it's like a miracle because it just happened after such a long span of time. I can imagine how you felt when you saw his text out of no where. Just like I've always imagined how I would feel if one day my "the one" contacts me again.

 

For me personally, I no longer dream of a reconciliation with him because I know for sure now he doesn't feel the same way about me. But I definitely wish to speak to him again one day, just as a friend. So I basically dream I could be in your shoes now. )

 

Anyway, it's been more than 2 weeks since your last entry. Any update please?

 

 

Hi Lilac

 

 

Sadly, nothing more to report

 

 

I should've been seeing him at another council meeting at the end of this month but I've found out this week its been put back till later in the spring - gutted. I was tempted to text and let him know (although I'm pretty sure he'll know anyway) but decided against, it'll be being predictable - and available - and I know I mustn't be either in his eyes.

 

 

So back to square one

[Jingle14]

For your son's sake, don't open that door again. And for yourself. Things didn't work out and four years later he's 'fishing' and you're thinking/reacting/possibly giving yourself a bit of hope.. Slam that door and leave it alone. Set up strong boundaries because if you don't, this man will hurt you all over again.

 

Four years, you have no idea what his life has been like, who he's been with or even now if he is with someone or back with his wife.

 

He's been divorced for 4 years, I know he's definitely not back with her - they hate each other, still, and don't even speak to each other for their kid's sake. I don't see that ever changing.

 

 

But no, I don't know what else he's been doing - neither does he with me.

 

 

My relationship with my son couldn't be any closer. So much so, he's said he'd be happy for me if me and m ex reconciled as he knows that's what I want, so I have no concerns about opening the door - if indeed it is there for opening.

[Jingle14]

Hi Jingle,

 

I've followed your story ever since I knew about this site two years ago. I've been in the same situation just like you. Only difference is it's been 3 years for me since the breakup and of course no contact.

 

My heart sort of jumped when I saw this thread. I'm so happy for you. I mean it's like a miracle because it just happened after such a long span of time. I can imagine how you felt when you saw his text out of no where. Just like I've always imagined how I would feel if one day my "the one" contacts me again.

 

For me personally, I no longer dream of a reconciliation with him because I know for sure now he doesn't feel the same way about me. But I definitely wish to speak to him again one day, just as a friend. So I basically dream I could be in your shoes now. )

 

Anyway, it's been more than 2 weeks since your last entry. Any update please?

 

Hi again, Lilac, was hoping to PM you but you don't seem to have messages available.

 

I've followed your posts too, lots of similarities - sadly, eh.

 

Its been odd, hearing from him. I never thought he'd contact me. Maybe it would've been better if he hadnt, so perhaps you're lucky in a way. Before this, I assumed he'd written me out of his life but now I simply don't know. I guess it's maybe 'careful what you wish for' in a way x

Edited March 5, 2015 by Jingle14

[lilacwine]

Hi again, Lilac, was hoping to PM you but you don't seem to have messages available.

 

I've followed your posts too, lots of similarities - sadly, eh.

 

Its been odd, hearing from him. I never thought he'd contact me. Maybe it would've been better if he hadnt, so perhaps you're lucky in a way. Before this, I assumed he'd written me out of his life but now I simply don't know. I guess it's maybe 'careful what you wish for' in a way x

 

Hey, thanks for answering me. I've been hoping for some update. So how are you feeling now? Why do you say "it would've been better if he hadn't?" I thought you must be very happy to be back in touch with him.

 

Anyway, how about the other guy you were supposed to see on Friday, which you mentioned in one of the posts above? Did you see him again? Any potential?

[Jingle14]

Hey, thanks for answering me. I've been hoping for some update. So how are you feeling now? Why do you say "it would've been better if he hadn't?" I thought you must be very happy to be back in touch with him.

 

Anyway, how about the other guy you were supposed to see on Friday, which you mentioned in one of the posts above? Did you see him again? Any potential?

 

Hi Lilac, initially I was, of course, thrilled he'd contacted me, and then the birthday card was just beyond any hopeful expectation! But now what?! Just nothing and its left me feeling flat, and that's why I almost wish it hadn't happened. If he wants to open communication with me again, I wish he'd hurry as we're not getting any younger. And if he doesn't, then why contact me and jolt my heart again?

 

After texting me all week, the fella made an excuse on Friday. Not bothered though, slightly disappointed in the human race again but no big deal.

[lilacwine]

Hi Lilac, initially I was, of course, thrilled he'd contacted me, and then the birthday card was just beyond any hopeful expectation! But now what?! Just nothing and its left me feeling flat, and that's why I almost wish it hadn't happened. If he wants to open communication with me again, I wish he'd hurry as we're not getting any younger. And if he doesn't, then why contact me and jolt my heart again?

 

After texting me all week, the fella made an excuse on Friday. Not bothered though, slightly disappointed in the human race again but no big deal.

 

Yeah, men are famous to be fickle. I'm glad you're not bothered about that guy. Who cares if your heart is elsewhere.

 

But your ex's behavior is really puzzling. I can understand how you feel now. Confusion is not a good state to be in. It's pointless to get your hopes up and be disappointed again. ( I'm sorry to hear that.

 

However, please update immediately when he contacts you again. I look forward to hearing news from you. I still believe there's more coming up.

[Jingle14]

Yeah, men are famous to be fickle. I'm glad you're not bothered about that guy. Who cares if your heart is elsewhere.

 

But your ex's behavior is really puzzling. I can understand how you feel now. Confusion is not a good state to be in. It's pointless to get your hopes up and be disappointed again. ( I'm sorry to hear that.

 

However, please update immediately when he contacts you again. I look forward to hearing news from you. I still believe there's more coming up.

 

 

Oh, I SO hope you're right! There should have been a follow up resident's meeting at the end of this month which we were both attending, but I found out last week it had been put back. However, a similar meeting has been scheduled for last week, I don't know if he'll be at that but I'll go anyway 'just in case'. I'll also send a birthday card to him next month. Every day I hope 'this will be the day' something more will happen but it never does

[Jingle14]

I promised to update you, Lilac, so I hope you see this.

 

He wasn't at the meeting last week, so I emailed him my notes - perfectly legitimately, as these plans affect his parent's property and he's also local. Since then, we've exchanged a number of very friendly, chatty and increasingly long emails, plus some texts today. He said in an email last week that we'd have to have 'a proper catchup' at the official council meeting (not now until June and I suspect this was a test to see if I'd jump on the chance and suggest meeting sooner but I didn't, I just said 'that sounds good'). He then came back and suggested 'meeting up anyway, once Easter and the London Marathon are out of the way'.

 

I'm not sure what his motives are. He might just have realised that he can feel comfortable communicating with me and think we can be friends. I simply don't know. In one of his texts today, he made reference to something I'd bought him which related to my home town - which it turned out, he was travelling to by train en route to somewhere else and I was also on my way there too - and said he's reminded of it every day as it's on his desk. I can't allow myself to think this is anything other than platonic though. If I even began to go down that train of thought and it did indeed turn out to be just friendly on his part, I can't imagine how I'd even begin to put my heart back together.

[spiderowl]

To be honest, I would remain guarded if I were you. I have a feeling this guy will just contact you sporadically and then back off again. I think he'll waste your time and your love. You deserve better!

[lilacwine]

I promised to update you, Lilac, so I hope you see this.

 

He wasn't at the meeting last week, so I emailed him my notes - perfectly legitimately, as these plans affect his parent's property and he's also local. Since then, we've exchanged a number of very friendly, chatty and increasingly long emails, plus some texts today. He said in an email last week that we'd have to have 'a proper catchup' at the official council meeting (not now until June and I suspect this was a test to see if I'd jump on the chance and suggest meeting sooner but I didn't, I just said 'that sounds good'). He then came back and suggested 'meeting up anyway, once Easter and the London Marathon are out of the way'.

 

I'm not sure what his motives are. He might just have realised that he can feel comfortable communicating with me and think we can be friends. I simply don't know. In one of his texts today, he made reference to something I'd bought him which related to my home town - which it turned out, he was travelling to by train en route to somewhere else and I was also on my way there too - and said he's reminded of it every day as it's on his desk. I can't allow myself to think this is anything other than platonic though. If I even began to go down that train of thought and it did indeed turn out to be just friendly on his part, I can't imagine how I'd even begin to put my heart back together.

 

Hi Jingle, thank you for the update. Been following your story for a long time, so don't forget there's someone who's always looking forward to hearing more from you.

 

I can understand how the smallest things he said can make your head go round and round with thoughts and possibilities. However, I think it's best to not overthink. I don't like the way he keeps playing with your emotions. Probably he has no idea you're still so much in love with him. He has no idea a single text can make a huge impact on your emotions. Please don't read much into his texts until he made the bigger move of actually meeting up with you.

 

I have a question for you too. Suppose he will never consider dating you again but only wants to be your friend, completely platonic. What would you prefer: just being his friend or not being in touch with him at all?

 

Anyway, keep updating me. Life always has a funny way to surprise us. So who knows?

[Jingle14]

Hi Jingle, thank you for the update. Been following your story for a long time, so don't forget there's someone who's always looking forward to hearing more from you.

 

I can understand how the smallest things he said can make your head go round and round with thoughts and possibilities. However, I think it's best to not overthink. I don't like the way he keeps playing with your emotions. Probably he has no idea you're still so much in love with him. He has no idea a single text can make a huge impact on your emotions. Please don't read much into his texts until he made the bigger move of actually meeting up with you.

 

I have a question for you too. Suppose he will never consider dating you again but only wants to be your friend, completely platonic. What would you prefer: just being his friend or not being in touch with him at all?

 

Anyway, keep updating me. Life always has a funny way to surprise us. So who knows?

 

Tough question, Lilac, and I honestly don't know. He knows how very badly I took the break up (I'd left my husband of 23 years for him, my son - then 9 - was understandably devastated and I went through a year and a half of Hell, he left me with a lot of wreckage to deal with, I had a mini breakdown) and he has been very, very reluctant to have any contact. I've made attempts over the years to reconcile - the occasional reminiscing text (I cringe when I think of it) or card sent, all met with silence. I had a 'closure' meeting with him a year last November - a bit pointless, in the event - and I followed this up with an email which said he'd always remain in my heart. He also knows I've been single since we split. So I am quite sure, unless he is delusional, he knows I still have feelings for him. He's also incredibly analytical - and knows I'm too - and considers his words very, very carefully.

 

I had an email from him yesterday (in response to mine on Thursday, I take the delay as meaning 'I don't want daily contact' so I'm not replying for a few days). In my email, I'd casually said to 'give me a shout' when the Marathon was over about meeting. He replied 'Yes I will! If you're still not working (I was made redundant again this week) we can maybe go for lunch instead of evening, but whatever, we'll sort it'. Of course, I'm not stupid and I realise suggesting lunch is pretty much saying 'I'm only going to give you an hour or so of my time before going back to work and this is not a date, so don't think anything else'. But his messages are getting longer, and friendlier, and even allude to things from our relationship (including a very slight 'bedroom' comment yesterday).

 

And here I am awake at 5am!! Overall though, I think I'm playing it well and at least he's clearly comfortable communicating with me which is something I never, ever thought would happen (my closest friends are in shock too!). I can only show him how different I am, how much more relaxed, calm etc if we're in contact. But if he mentions a girlfriend, that would be unbearable, and I certainly won't be asking!

 

Am just glad I'm busy this weekend - I've got a lovely spa day today with a friend, her treat for my recent birthday and a full day with another group of friends tomorrow.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Jingle14

[lilacwine]

I'm not surprised you can't answer my question. Tough one, I realize. From what you wrote above, I think I have your answer though. I think you prefer to be in touch with him. Anyway, you're right in your approach. You need to show him you have changed and that you can play it cool when it comes to talking to him. Good luck and I look forward to more updates from you.

[Jingle14]

So more messaging yesterday - it came up that I was on the same beach where a silly thing that happened to me took place, I said I'd tell him the story about it when I saw him and he said he'd look forward to hearing it 'I know what's in your bikini' (that's flirty, isn't it??). The lunch is now set for a couple of weeks, in a very nice restaurant locally (his suggestion).

 

 

I just wish I knew what he was thinking, whether it's only platonic curiosity or what.

[beach]

The bikini comment is a sexual innuendo...

 

He doesn't want to date - but he MAY be open to sex if you expect nothing from him.

 

I wouldn't meet for lunch. He hasn't made effort to make sure and date you properly.

 

He will take the free sex though - if you allow it.

[Jingle14]

The bikini comment is a sexual innuendo...

 

He doesn't want to date - but he MAY be open to sex if you expect nothing from him.

 

I wouldn't meet for lunch. He hasn't made effort to make sure and date you properly.

 

He will take the free sex though - if you allow it.

 

That definitely wont be on offer, I now have far too much self respect for myself to go down that road.