Why is he back in touch?

[Simon Phoenix]

That definitely wont be on offer, I now have far too much self respect for myself to go down that road.

 

Then stop engaging his contact. He's definitely grooming you for a FWB situation.

[Jingle14]

Then stop engaging his contact. He's definitely grooming you for a FWB situation.

 

Doesn't mean I have to go along with it, though, does it. And I won't. I'm not going to refuse contact - I've never stopped loving this man, even 4 years on - but I'm not a fool to think falling into bed with him would bring him back. If all he wants is sex, he'll be slapped down and it's then I'll finally give up any hope for good.

[Simon Phoenix]

Doesn't mean I have to go along with it, though, does it. And I won't. I'm not going to refuse contact - I've never stopped loving this man, even 4 years on - but I'm not a fool to think falling into bed with him would bring him back. If all he wants is sex, he'll be slapped down and it's then I'll finally give up any hope for good.

 

So you're going to keep communicating with an agenda he doesn't want and he's going to communicate with an agenda you don't want and you're going to continue it why? Seems rather pointless to me.

 

If he wants you, he'll tell you if he feels he has to otherwise he'll lose you. You communicating with him just allows him to play the grey area, or the FWB area. There's nothing that you are going to gain with your current approach.

 

Sorry, it seems like you are willfully banging your head against the wall.

[Jingle14]

So you're going to keep communicating with an agenda he doesn't want and he's going to communicate with an agenda you don't want and you're going to continue it why? Seems rather pointless to me.

 

If he wants you, he'll tell you if he feels he has to otherwise he'll lose you. You communicating with him just allows him to play the grey area, or the FWB area. There's nothing that you are going to gain with your current approach.

 

Sorry, it seems like you are willfully banging your head against the wall.

 

We're both adults, I don't see any harm in meeting for lunch he has suggested, so how is that pointless? If nothing comes of it then we both walk away.

 

 

I'm sorry but life's too short not to try, and only he and I were in that relationship and know exactly what went on.

 

 

You, and anyone, can assume to know what his agenda is but no-one but him knows with certainty what's in his mind.

[ballycastle]

Doesn't mean I have to go along with it, though, does it. And I won't. I'm not going to refuse contact - I've never stopped loving this man, even 4 years on - but I'm not a fool to think falling into bed with him would bring him back. If all he wants is sex, he'll be slapped down and it's then I'll finally give up any hope for good.

 

You say you had a mini breakdown from this man so why are you talking to him at all?? I had a break up from hell and went through the same thing. I prayed every night for him to contact me. He never did after over a year and after dumping me by throwing me under a moving train, leaving me for dead and never coming back to see if I'm alive. I realise after no contact, therapy and making new connections that I am better than him and don't need him to make me happy. I think you hold out hope of a man of fiction not reality.

 

This man caused your mental health to almost be damaged beyond reproach yet he is back in your life and you don't know what he is thinking.

 

You are gold.

 

He has to win you.

 

If he doesn't he doesn't deserve you, get therapy to get yourself better and find someone who is clear they want you in their life.

 

Don't waste another 4 years.

[Simon Phoenix]

We're both adults, I don't see any harm in meeting for lunch he has suggested, so how is that pointless? If nothing comes of it then we both walk away.

 

 

I'm sorry but life's too short not to try, and only he and I were in that relationship and know exactly what went on.

 

 

You, and anyone, can assume to know what his agenda is but no-one but him knows with certainty what's in his mind.

 

Considering your history with this man, there's potential for a considerable amount of harm. You can do what you want, but there's very little that indicates that he has any inclination of giving you what you want. This guy should be moving mountains for you to consider contact with him. But he doesn't have to.

[beach]

He offered lunch - but weeks away.

 

When any man really, really wants you - he will move mountains to be sure to be with you and see you every day.

 

 

But he hasn't. And that tells you everything he's never going to say.

 

Are you capable of just blocking him and being a no show for the lunch date?

[lilacwine]

So more messaging yesterday - it came up that I was on the same beach where a silly thing that happened to me took place, I said I'd tell him the story about it when I saw him and he said he'd look forward to hearing it 'I know what's in your bikini' (that's flirty, isn't it??). The lunch is now set for a couple of weeks, in a very nice restaurant locally (his suggestion).

 

 

I just wish I knew what he was thinking, whether it's only platonic curiosity or what.

 

Hi Jingle, so has the lunch date happened yet? Forget what the others here are saying. You have my support. After all, you have nothing to lose anyway. So why not go ahead and enjoy whatever it is that comes your way. I'm sure you would enjoy this lunch thing with him even if it doesn't lead to anything further.

 

Looking forward to more updates from you.

[Jingle14]

Hi Jingle, so has the lunch date happened yet? Forget what the others here are saying. You have my support. After all, you have nothing to lose anyway. So why not go ahead and enjoy whatever it is that comes your way. I'm sure you would enjoy this lunch thing with him even if it doesn't lead to anything further.

 

Looking forward to more updates from you.

 

Thanks ?. It's next Tuesday - I'm inclined to agree with those who have said he'd move mountains etc if he really was interested, I'm not stupid and have thought all that myself. But I'll go and deal with the aftermath and inevitable comedown - nothing I haven't dealt with in the last 4 years.

[Ruby65]

Thanks ?. It's next Tuesday - I'm inclined to agree with those who have said he'd move mountains etc if he really was interested, I'm not stupid and have thought all that myself. But I'll go and deal with the aftermath and inevitable comedown - nothing I haven't dealt with in the last 4 years.

 

This sounds like a terrible plan. I have no idea why you'd continue to meet up with this guy! You're only keeping yourself from moving on and finding someone who DOESN'T treat you like a Plan B -- I was cringing for you, reading this thread. You deserve better!

[Jonp219]

Thanks ?. It's next Tuesday - I'm inclined to agree with those who have said he'd move mountains etc if he really was interested, I'm not stupid and have thought all that myself. But I'll go and deal with the aftermath and inevitable comedown - nothing I haven't dealt with in the last 4 years.

 

I'm happy for you hope you have good time.

 

NO ONE WOULD EVER come back on their hands and knees to get you back. Everyone here persumes that if exes don't do that then they're not interested, and I think that's asinine to say the least. If he wants to SEE you he IS interested. Why the hell would someone want to 'relieve their guilt' in person when they could just call or text to check up on you? Makes no sense. Just stay cool, expect the worst, and try to have a good time.

[Jingle14]

While not wanting people to post only positive comments - an advice forum obviously needs balance - I find some of the judgemental comments quite breathtaking. No one knows either me, him or the circumstances around our relationship. I'm choosing to meet him because I want to, for me as much as anything, for my own confidence to make up for the wreck I'm embarrassed to have been when we split. I don't need anyone 'cringing' for me - how patronising! - and I don't need judging by total strangers either. If all I can offer is judgement rather than constructive advice, I'd not comment at all - who am I to say what people should or shouldn't do?!

[Ruby65]

NO ONE WOULD EVER come back on their hands and knees to get you back.

 

People do this all the time. It's how successful reconciliations usually happen.

 

However this guy, given their history, is certainly never crawling on his hands and knees OR even making her a priority now. She has a history of being grateful for scraps and making excuses for his behavior.

 

OP, sorry if my honest opinion seems patronizing to you! It would be more patronizing imo to sugarcoat or just shrug and say nothing.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Jonp219]

People do this all the time. It's how successful reconciliations usually happen.

 

However this guy, given their history, is certainly never crawling on his hands and knees OR even making her a priority now. She has a history of being grateful for scraps and making excuses for his behavior.

 

OP, sorry if my honest opinion seems patronizing to you! It would be more patronizing imo to sugarcoat or just shrug and say nothing.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I hear that all the time in here and quite frankly I HAVE NEVER seen it happen. I've seen many reconciliations, but never seen a dumper come back and ask for forgiveness. Normally they start talking, (or should I say, revealing guilt?) they feel the connection again, and they patch things up. If a dumper reaches out once I think you should always answer. If it leads to nothing and it turns out they were really just trying to make themselves feel better, then I think you should go strict NC. If there was no cheating or dirty play involved in the initial break-up, then you should allow a window of opportunity for them.

[Jingle14]

Well, the lunch was today (delayed by a couple of days, I found out today it was because his father passed away 2 weeks ago, so its been the funeral etc).

 

 

It was all perfectly 'nice'. He texted this morning to offer to come and pick me up, peck on the cheek, pleasant chit chat over lunch (he bought me 2 glasses of Champagne) and we then went and sat in a park for an hour, chatting in the sun. But nothing other than a platonic 'whatever', with a peck on the cheek when he dropped me off.

 

 

He paid - he insisted as I'm between jobs and he's comfortably off - but said 'you can pay next time' (I don't think he meant this, it was purely to make me feel less guilty about him paying).

 

 

So a perfectly nice 3 hours but my heart feels that much emptier and deflated now. How can it go from 'I have to have you' passion and a 3 year from first sight obsession (on his part) to seeing me on platonic level? I'm just sad in my heart.

 

 

Ultimately though, I'm glad I gave a good account of myself, I looked great - even though I say so myself - tanned and wearing a yellow dress which perfectly suited my figure, and was calm, relaxed, very positive and we laughed a lot. I just so wanted to be reconciled, and that didn't happen.

[Tone Loc]

Normally, I'd say if you really want your man, then go and get him. Make it happen.

 

Having said that, this sort of contact isn't healthy for you at this stage, because you're still in love with him and he left you (he did leave you, right?). It was a bad break up and you're still not over him. It's not good for him to be contacting you like this and putting you in this position. He's giving you false hope. You shouldn't allow him to come in and out of your life as he wishes. If he wants to be with you, then he needs to make a definitive statement. If he can't make up his mind and can't come to a decision, or if he's just contacting you because he's bored or was thinking about or or whatever...then in this case you need to tell him to get out of your life once and forever. He has no right to do this sort of thing. You're probably developing false hopes now, wondering a million things, so many questions in your head...it's not good for you. Why do people do this, seriously? Why do they continue to torture their exes with continued contact when they don't have any interest in resuming the relationship? Either go no contact permanently, forever, or get back together. None of this banter/chit chat small talk business, it's not doing you any good I'm afraid. He's either back with you and fully committed to making things work or he can get lost. There isn't a third option.

Edited May 21, 2015 by Tone Loc

[Jingle14]

Normally, I'd say if you really want your man, then go and get him. Make it happen.

 

Having said that, this sort of contact isn't healthy for you at this stage, because you're still in love with him and he left you (he did leave you, right?). It was a bad break up and you're still not over him. It's not good for him to be contacting you like this and putting you in this position. He's giving you false hope. You shouldn't allow him to come in and out of your life as he wishes. If he wants to be with you, then he needs to make a definitive statement. If he can't make up his mind and can't come to a decision, or if he's just contacting you because he's bored or was thinking about or or whatever...then in this case you need to tell him to get out of your life once and forever. He has no right to do this sort of thing. You're probably developing false hopes now, wondering a million things, so many questions in your head...it's not good for you. Why do people do this, seriously? Why do they continue to torture their exes with continued contact when they don't have any interest in resuming the relationship? Either go no contact permanently, forever, or get back together. None of this banter/chit chat small talk business, it's not doing you any good I'm afraid. He's either back with you and fully committed to making things work or he can get lost. There isn't a third option.

 

I agree. I've had a very tearful evening. I can't do anymore and I can't have him as a friend, not now or ever.

[Tone Loc]

I agree. I've had a very tearful evening. I can't do anymore and I can't have him as a friend, not now or ever.

 

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. If he keeps contacting you and making you feel sad and down like this, you have the right to tell him not to contact you again unless it's to get back together, otherwise tell him you don't want him as a friend. It's not fair of him to do this to you, he needs to respect your feelings. By continuing with this small talk kind of chit chat, all that's doing is causing you more pain and uncertainty, because you're always going to want more than he's prepared to give you...unless of course he intends to take things seriously and wants to get back with you, but that remains to be seen. So if he keeps talking to you, then at some point you'll need to put your foot down and be firm with him, for your own sake. I don't understand people like this, people who can't even make up their minds and decide whether or not they want to be with someone. It's pretty simple really, you either want someone or you don't want them, it shouldn't be so difficult to decide.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear that all the time in here and quite frankly I HAVE NEVER seen it happen. I've seen many reconciliations, but never seen a dumper come back and ask for forgiveness. Normally they start talking, (or should I say, revealing guilt?) they feel the connection again, and they patch things up. If a dumper reaches out once I think you should always answer. If it leads to nothing and it turns out they were really just trying to make themselves feel better, then I think you should go strict NC. If there was no cheating or dirty play involved in the initial break-up, then you should allow a window of opportunity for them.

 

Almost every successful reconciliation I know of has had it happen, including my own sister. She refused contact with my future brother-in-law until he did exactly that. The one thing that never happens is a dumpee that's still hurting and emotional answering the dumper and having it turn into anything positive for the dumpee.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do people do this, seriously? Why do they continue to torture their exes with continued contact when they don't have any interest in resuming the relationship?

 

Because they don't have the same mindset that the dumpee does, therefore they don't consider that perspective. They are only focused on what they want and assume that if the dumpee is receptive, that they are down for whatever the dumper wants the interaction to be. Problem is, the dumpee assumes that if the dumper is contacting them, that means that the dumper is on the same page as them as far as trying again.

 

The mistake by both parties is assuming that the other person wants what you want. That's hardly ever the case. The dumper is no more obligated to give the dumpee reconciliation than the dumpee is obligated to suck up the dumper's breadcrumbs. It's a screw-up by both parties. If you're the dumpee, you don't acknowledge breadcrumbs UNLESS you really couldn't care less about reconciliing and can handle being friends/FWB/acquaintances/whatever or UNLESS the dumper says unequivocally that they messed up and want to try again. If you're the dumper, you shouldn't push UNLESS you want to reconcile or you are 100 PERCENT positive the dumpee is over it and couldn't care less.

[Ruby65]

I hear that all the time in here and quite frankly I HAVE NEVER seen it happen. I've seen many reconciliations, but never seen a dumper come back and ask for forgiveness. Normally they start talking, (or should I say, revealing guilt?) they feel the connection again, and they patch things up. If a dumper reaches out once I think you should always answer. If it leads to nothing and it turns out they were really just trying to make themselves feel better, then I think you should go strict NC. If there was no cheating or dirty play involved in the initial break-up, then you should allow a window of opportunity for them.

 

I did it myself, as a dumper.

 

And I've had two dumpers do this with me. Not really a big deal to do it -- MUCH easier to apologize and ask for another chance than it is to break up with someone!

 

People will say whatever needs to be said to make it happen.... if they REALLY want you back. If they're just so-so, they'll put out only a so-so effort.

 

Edited May 22, 2015 by Ruby65

[lilacwine]

I agree. I've had a very tearful evening. I can't do anymore and I can't have him as a friend, not now or ever.

 

Jingle, thank you for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting. So you've decided to cut off contact with him then?

 

Since the lunch date, has he made any contact? And your response to him?

[Jingle14]

Jingle, thank you for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting. So you've decided to cut off contact with him then?

 

Since the lunch date, has he made any contact? And your response to him?

 

Out of politeness - as I would with anyone - I texted him early Thursday evening to thank him for lunch (seeing as he paid), including it had been an unexpected treat but I insisted on paying next time. I also said it had been good to see him and I'd enjoyed our chat. He replied - over 15 hours later, which says everything - he'd enjoyed the catch up too. And that was pretty much it. There's no benefit in me suggesting another lunch soon, it'd only put me back to square one and, even if he did accept, I'm fairly sure he'd not want to and would only do so out of feeling obligated. Why do that to myself? He doesn't want me, it's that simple. All the (many, which is very sweet of them) compliments I get about how I look, my personality, my figure, the way I dress, they all mean nothing, especially if it's not enough to attract him.

 

 

I hadn't had any contact with him for months before he contacted me. And that's where it will now go back to, although it's perfectly possible I'll see him at meetings re the new builds. (I was horrified to find out on Thursday that he's had planning permission approved to build a large detached house in the grounds of his parent's house - this means, this time next year, he'll be living right at the end of my street, so I'll see when his car isn't there overnight and, worse still, when someone else's is. I'm frozen with horror at the thought).

 

 

I suppose this is a lesson for all those who doubt no contact is the way forward. I've been in a deep depression since getting home on Thursday and am really struggling to dig myself out of it. I'm meant to be going for a long walk with some people today (a friend and people she knows) but I don't want to go. I forced myself to meet a friend in a pub last night but came home early. I'm taking my son to London tomorrow and we're going to see my favourite band on Wednesday night, which I've been hugely excited about for months since hearing they were touring. Right now though, I couldn't care less. I have to put my face on for my son tomorrow, as he loves London, but it will be a struggle.

[Taramere]

I suppose this is a lesson for all those who doubt no contact is the way forward. I've been in a deep depression since getting home on Thursday and am really struggling to dig myself out of it. I'm meant to be going for a long walk with some people today (a friend and people she knows) but I don't want to go. I forced myself to meet a friend in a pub last night but came home early. I'm taking my son to London tomorrow and we're going to see my favourite band on Wednesday night, which I've been hugely excited about for months since hearing they were touring. Right now though, I couldn't care less. I have to put my face on for my son tomorrow, as he loves London, but it will be a struggle.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so low just now, Jingle. However...

 

So a perfectly nice 3 hours but my heart feels that much emptier and deflated now. How can it go from 'I have to have you' passion and a 3 year from first sight obsession (on his part) to seeing me on platonic level? I'm just sad in my heart.

 

Ultimately though, I'm glad I gave a good account of myself, I looked great - even though I say so myself - tanned and wearing a yellow dress which perfectly suited my figure, and was calm, relaxed, very positive and we laughed a lot.

 

In terms of a final goodbye meeting with him, it couldn't have gone better. It's perfectly likely that he did indeed feel very attracted to you during that meeting...but was determined to take the honourable course of action by not acting on it. Despite the cynicism which we can all be guilty of on this board, people do sometimes do the honourable thing.

 

You mentioned that you went to a meeting protesting against new builds, and he is actually one of the people building a new house. This guy must surely be acutely aware of the many ways in which your relationship with him disrupted your life. Again, contrary to the message that sometimes is spread on this board, there are times when a man will push aside feelings of lust in an attempt to somehow make things good with somebody whose life he has already brought disruption (as a result of lust and passion) to.

 

I think that may be what's happened here. That he was trying to make things right, and sadly it has ended up making you feel worse. For now....because from your perspective, perhaps, the only way this guy could really make you feel better would be if he demonstrated desire and passion towards you. Which would only take you back down a road you've struggled to leave.

 

So although you're hurting, and it's understandable that you're hurting, this really was the best possible outcome of a meeting that was bound to set you back to a certain extent. Those flat feelings won't last forever, and they might not even last for as long as you think they will. I hope you feel better soon.

[Jingle14]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low just now, Jingle. However...

 

 

 

In terms of a final goodbye meeting with him, it couldn't have gone better. It's perfectly likely that he did indeed feel very attracted to you during that meeting...but was determined to take the honourable course of action by not acting on it. Despite the cynicism which we can all be guilty of on this board, people do sometimes do the honourable thing.

 

You mentioned that you went to a meeting protesting against new builds, and he is actually one of the people building a new house. This guy must surely be acutely aware of the many ways in which your relationship with him disrupted your life. Again, contrary to the message that sometimes is spread on this board, there are times when a man will push aside feelings of lust in an attempt to somehow make things good with somebody whose life he has already brought disruption (as a result of lust and passion) to.

 

I think that may be what's happened here. That he was trying to make things right, and sadly it has ended up making you feel worse. For now....because from your perspective, perhaps, the only way this guy could really make you feel better would be if he demonstrated desire and passion towards you. Which would only take you back down a road you've struggled to leave.

 

So although you're hurting, and it's understandable that you're hurting, this really was the best possible outcome of a meeting that was bound to set you back to a certain extent. Those flat feelings won't last forever, and they might not even last for as long as you think they will. I hope you feel better soon.

 

We had - at my request - a 'closure' meeting the November before last, so this wasn't necessarily (in his eyes) a final goodbye. The best outcome for me was reconciliation, or at the very least a conversation about that and his reasons for contacting me again but that never happened.

 

 

The new builds are separate. I live on a housing estate and a national developer has put in an application to build almost 300 houses on our only bit of green space. His parents live in one of the older houses round the corner from me, so his house won't impact on anything apart from me every time I go out it's right on the corner on the only access road off the estate, there's no avoiding it).

 

 

I doubt he felt any attraction to me - he didn't even say I looked nice, and I went to a huge effort in getting ready. All he said was 'look at you all in yellow'. There was no accidental touching, no brushing hands, not even any warm eye contact.

 

 

I don't know why he contacted me, or sent me a birthday card (I've not had so much as a text on my birthdays since we split) or sent me long and chatty emails (some alluding to our time together). Why get my hopes up to then walk away again. If he had no intention of anything, then he should have just left me alone.

 

 

I said, while sitting in the park after lunch, I was surprised to hear from him (he'd never once instigated contact in the almost 4 years since we split). And he said 'but I saw you at the meeting'. I said I hadn't seen him (of course I had but he didn't know that) and he said 'but I saw you, I was watching you'. WTF?!