Trying to forgive my Father

[crazycanuck86]

Forgiveness isn't always easy, especially when someone has abused you physically and verbally throughout most of your life. I want to forgive and forget but every time I think about him I remember him smacking me in the face until I got a bloody nose because I was too tired waking up a 5 o'clock in the morning, or his idea of "discipline" was a 2x4 block of wood. Worse of all how he taught me that the only way to show you care about someone is to bring them down verbally and make them doubt themselves. Which caused me to make more then one mistake that has cost me more then one relationship

 

After he "found" religion he seems to have changed but I still sense that that overcontroling part of home is still there, I want to cut him out of my life but doing that means cutting out other members of my family my Mom in particular who after almost thirty years of separation has decided to remarry him.

 

After getting myself into counselling regarding my previous abuse issues, I'm managing to put my troubled past behind me and get my own life together but I just can't seem to let go of this one thing. If my mom can forgive him (even though a part of me is still thinking she's making a mistake) then why can't i ?

[Satu]

You don't have to forgive him at all, unless you want to.

 

It's a choice, not an obligation.

[barcode88]

Forgiveness is a virtue. If he is truly sorry for what he did, I don't think you are showing weakness by reaching out to him again.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry OP, you are going through this. My father was severely abusive, physically, verbally and emotionally. His idea of discipline was to break a bone or draw blood. I left home when I was 19. 25 years later he has apologized to me via text mind you, some months ago. I'm in therapy trying to get past it but it's hard.

 

I just found out he's sickly and doing badly (he lives back in my home country) and I'm struggling to come to terms with how I feel. I feel guilty for not feeling the pain and sadness one is supposed to feel but at the same time trying to come to terms that I never had the chance to bond with him.

 

I don't know what forgiveness feels like or how I achieve it because all I feel is pain and resentment. I feel sorry for him but that is as close as I can get.

 

Just venting. Your post comes at the right time as I feel like I'm now not the only one that finds this a difficult process. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find a way through this.

Edited February 23, 2015 by Zahara

[Rainbowlove]

My dad was a drunk for most of my life.

 

His alcoholism made him violent, unpredictable and extremely toxic in my life.

 

I struggled for a long time trying to forgive the beatings, the lies, the horrible childhood my brothers and I endured at his doing.

 

Oddly enough, it wasn't until I became a mother did I fully understand how awful he was. I mean I knew it, but when I look at my own son and think how my dad treated us vs how I parent my boy, it's disgusting and painful to remember the abuse.

 

I haven't talked to my dad in 3 years. I haven't had a relationship with him in 20. It use to bother me a lot.

 

He also now has found God (at 68). Good for him. He's going to need God to help him find peace for the grotesque things he did to his children.

 

I have no feelings for him whatsoever. None.

 

Instead, I'm focused on being the exact opposite of him.

 

Do what's best for you. Being healthy for you may mean separating from him and your mom. Your mom's choices are not yours. Don't judge yourself against her ability to forgive or ignore or whatever she's doing with him.

 

What matters is how you feel. Pay attention to that - not what someone else doing.

 

Trust you and where your at with your own process and needs.

[Tayla]

Its ultimately your choice. Your past and that of the acts are there to learn from and let go of. They served a purpose....Gain strength and heal with peace. So sorry that you had to endure such .....

[loveboid]

You can forgive him and still stay away from him. There's a misconception that forgiveness means you continue a relationship with the person. Forgiveness does not mean you have to contact that person again, even to tell them that you forgive them.

 

Forgiveness for abuse in this case means you no longer want him to make amends for what he did because he is incapable. You are taking a loss.

 

You don't have to take any more losses ever again from him.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. No-one should treat a child like that.

 

I don't know your mum but it sounds like she's making a big mistake. I don't see why you should make the same mistake.

 

Therapy might help you to resolve some of these feelings to an extent where you can live comfortably without having to forgive your father. Why should anyone have to forgive an abuser? OK, it might be better than feeling angry at them but I think there are other, more realistic ways of resolving feelings.

 

If there is one near to you, I'd recommend the 'More to Life' programme. It really does give you tools to investigate feelings in depth. I have found it has helped in a way that I did not find from counselling, though I think it does make use of elements of the focusing method.

[Radu]

Isn't it odd how they tend to find God just as the day of judgement for them approaches ?

 

I wonder if it's out of a genuine desire to right the wrongs no matter the cost to themselves ... or is it to save their own a*s from the fire.

[Zahara]

Isn't it odd how they tend to find God just as the day of judgement for them approaches ?

 

I wonder if it's out of a genuine desire to right the wrongs no matter the cost to themselves ... or is it to save their own a*s from the fire.

 

True, my mother has been guilting me as to why I am not more affected by his deteriotating health and that I'm not a good person for not forgiving him. I asked her, "If he was his robust young self at this very moment, do you think he'd be as sorry as he is now or do you think he'd still be as destructive?" She was silent.