jealous OF mm/ love vs money

[norudder]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

To put it in perspective, the lifestyle they lead was there before you came along. I get that you are hurt that things didn't work out for you two but did you expect your standard of living to change? Also, IF he left with his almost six figures and you being broke that's not enough expendable income to afford summer homes and luxury vacations. I think some MM you their standard of living to woo OW, when in reality it can only apply to her if he leaves and then his standard of living drops dramatically! Hope you find the love you're searching for, but that doesn't exist in an entitled MM.

[norudder]

I didn't expect standard of living to change. I wouldn't have wanted to combine incomes right away or anything. I just wanted the relationship to be made honest. That would have improved my emotional living standards substantially.

[Mal78]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

 

He has become very comfortable with his lifestyle. He doesn't want to change it, you just added to that comfort. However, without you he is *still* very comfortable.

 

Take his wife away and her 6 figure income and his life becomes VERY uncomfortable.

[elaine567]

He has become very comfortable with his lifestyle. He doesn't want to change it, you just added to that comfort. However, without you he is *still* very comfortable.

 

Take his wife away and her 6 figure income and his life becomes VERY uncomfortable.

 

Are you trying to say something there Mal78?

[privategal]

He's not happy though Id suspect.

If his wife was so wonderful he wouldn't have needed an op.

And look at Robin Williams, all the money in the world...and beautiful kids and wife...but...

I don't think having his money is what you were getting at, I understand you were saying its the love your missing and its hard not to compare to his lifestyle when your struggling and broken hearted and hes traveling without a care.

But nope, I don't think he is...just like having an ow was a distraction and escapism, so are all his assets like vacation home and "perfect family" inside...bet hes bankrupt.

Feel better, and go after a job that pays more, might as well channel the heartbreak into something that pays off. You are worth it.

[Mal78]

Are you trying to say something there Mal78?

 

I suppose that did come off that I'm insinuating you should do something about his comfortable lifestyle.

[DKT3]

After all the time I've spent on this site, I'm still amazed at how so many woman have a total lack of understanding into the simple workings of the male mind.

 

For most men having sex outside of the marriage says absolutely nothing about the state of his marriage. Meaning? Most men can be perfectly happy with his marriage, wife and sex life yet still engage in an affair. Its just extra sex, extra validation, extra ego stroking.

 

OP I think you have so much more on your agenda besides the income of you AP and his wife. Focus on the steps that it will take you to get to a happy place in life. Resolve your marriage, try not to focus on how great you think your AP's life is. It will only make you feel like crap being that your life is a mess right now. Its easy to say, harder to do. You have to focus on getting to a better place, this (marriage & husband you don't want, AP) is your basket of crabs.

[MissBee]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

 

 

No, I can't say I felt that way (about money and feeling he had a better quality of life). But the feeling of believing your ex is doing better than you (emotionally etc) is quite common.

 

You can't compare yourself and you shouldn't. Whether his life is going well or poorly has no bearing on your healing. If he lost all his money tomorrow you'd still be where you are in the same position, it won't help you, so just focus on your own life and what you can do to make it better.

 

I'm sorry you feel used, but I'd take my anger about that and channel it into doing well for myself. I think that's productive and like they say, the greatest revenge is moving on from your ex and doing better.

[whichwayisup]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

 

Use this to push yourself to better your life. Don't be jealous of their lifestyle and money. They earned it by working their asses off for that money, how can you begrudge them of that?

 

Sorry that you're hurting but jealously and green envy is an awful emotion to feel so please, focus on your own recovery and not their life. He's just continuing on...If you were the one married and your A was over, wouldn't you just continue on with your husband and kids?

 

Rely on your friends and family to help you through this difficult time.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both.He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

.

 

It's kinda what you signed up for! Own that and make the right choices to get you there if that's what you want out of life. It all really boils down to hard work and responsible choices.

[Arieswoman]

no rudder,

There is an old Chinese curse that says "may your every wish be granted".

 

My exH's AP was envious of his(our) lifestyle which was pretty good. (What she didn't realise was that I earned more than he did and paid for over half of it.) So she stuck around hoping for a piece of the action. It was good while he was taking her to hotels and buying her gold jewellery out of joint funds, and telling her what a wonderful future they would have together if she would leave her fiance so they could be together.

 

DD came and I gave him his wish to be with her by sending him the divorce papers about a week later, and told him to leave.

 

Now he was living in a 1 bedroom grotty flat it wasn't quite so appealing for her and his cash supply pretty much dried up. So she dumped him and decided to stay with her fiance, who now looked like the better bet.

 

You MM doesn't want to leave, he's quite happy.

 

And even if he did leave he would take a huge hit financially, as his wife seems to be bankrolling him.

 

If that's the lifestyle you want you could always try skilling up and getting it for yourself without a man in the equation?

[norudder]

Use this to push yourself to better your life. Don't be jealous of their lifestyle and money. They earned it by working their asses off for that money, how can you begrudge them of that?

 

Sorry that you're hurting but jealously and green envy is an awful emotion to feel so please, focus on your own recovery and not their life. He's just continuing on...If you were the one married and your A was over, wouldn't you just continue on with your husband and kids?

 

Rely on your friends and family to help you through this difficult time.

 

My friends were mostly tied to my ex and old job. My family is states away. Sense of isolation brings me to this board and mind wandering to AP frequently.

[norudder]

no rudder,

There is an old Chinese curse that says "may your every wish be granted".

 

My exH's AP was envious of his(our) lifestyle which was pretty good. (What she didn't realise was that I earned more than he did and paid for over half of it.) So she stuck around hoping for a piece of the action. It was good while he was taking her to hotels and buying her gold jewellery out of joint funds, and telling her what a wonderful future they would have together if she would leave her fiance so they could be together.

 

DD came and I gave him his wish to be with her by sending him the divorce papers about a week later, and told him to leave.

 

Now he was living in a 1 bedroom grotty flat it wasn't quite so appealing for her and his cash supply pretty much dried up. So she dumped him and decided to stay with her fiance, who now looked like the better bet.

 

You MM doesn't want to leave, he's quite happy.

 

And even if he did leave he would take a huge hit financially, as his wife seems to be bankrolling him.

 

If that's the lifestyle you want you could always try skilling up and getting it for yourself without a man in the equation?

 

Its not about the lifestyle. I didn't benefit from him financially in anyway other than some dinners at average restaurants or a movie. Our dates were long drives, walks in the park etc we split hotel rooms.

 

Its ugly but honest: I want to feel he's as miserable as I am. But he seems to be whistling dixie. He thanked me for our time together and wished me well. After all the declarations of love etc. He chooses creature comforts. Like thanks for the ride that was fun, nice memory to have, back to my regular programming. I was a fool to believe his love was real. Mine was.

[norudder]

No, I can't say I felt that way (about money and feeling he had a better quality of life). But the feeling of believing your ex is doing better than you (emotionally etc) is quite common.

 

You can't compare yourself and you shouldn't. Whether his life is going well or poorly has no bearing on your healing. If he lost all his money tomorrow you'd still be where you are in the same position, it won't help you, so just focus on your own life and what you can do to make it better.

 

I'm sorry you feel used, but I'd take my anger about that and channel it into doing well for myself. I think that's productive and like they say, the greatest revenge is moving on from your ex and doing better.

 

Thanks. You seem to give good advice in your posts. Yes its more about the sense of an ex doing better. I didn't date much before getting married. I am inexperienced at heartbreak and this is one hell of an initiation.

 

I know doing well is best revenge but I kind of feel like no matter what Monica Lewinsky does it will pale next to Bill. I know it shouldn't matter and if I'm happy I won't care but I am pining and I do care.

[norudder]

After all the time I've spent on this site, I'm still amazed at how so many woman have a total lack of understanding into the simple workings of the male mind.

 

For most men having sex outside of the marriage says absolutely nothing about the state of his marriage. Meaning? Most men can be perfectly happy with his marriage, wife and sex life yet still engage in an affair. Its just extra sex, extra validation, extra ego stroking.

 

OP I think you have so much more on your agenda besides the income of you AP and his wife. Focus on the steps that it will take you to get to a happy place in life. Resolve your marriage, try not to focus on how great you think your AP's life is. It will only make you feel like crap being that your life is a mess right now. Its easy to say, harder to do. You have to focus on getting to a better place, this (marriage & husband you don't want, AP) is your basket of crabs.

 

Thinking this is true just wrecks my esteem. How can I have such positive feelings for such a user. I wish I wanted nothing to do with him. Yes easier said than done. Easier to focus on them than myself.

[road]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

 

I didn't expect standard of living to change. I wouldn't have wanted to combine incomes right away or anything. I just wanted the relationship to be made honest. That would have improved my emotional living standards substantially.

 

 

 

Why did you think that a man that cheats and lies to his BW would be true to OW?

 

 

Because he wanted to bang her?

 

 

Because he said and did what he had to get into her pants?

 

 

Why did you date a man that was not married?

 

 

Is there not enough single men where you live?

[norudder]

Why did you think that a man that cheats and lies to his BW would be true to OW?

 

 

Because he wanted to bang her?

 

 

Because he said and did what he had to get into her pants?

 

 

Why did you date a man that was not married?

 

 

Is there not enough single men where you live?

 

I was married too at the time. It was PA before EA. He didnt have to lie to bang me. I tried keeping it casual. He was first with the I love yous. I thought he would be true to love. I was. I have to believe that there are good men who believe in love the same way I do. That its not just a woman thing. I don't want to be cynical and jaded.

[still_an_Angel]

You can't really tell a person's level of happiness from their financial riches. It may not be as peachy as you think. You need to stop giving him headspace, its only blocking your recovery. Focus on finding your own happiness even if you don't have as much as they do.

[jellybean89]

He's not happy though Id suspect.

If his wife was so wonderful he wouldn't have needed an op.

And look at Robin Williams, all the money in the world...and beautiful kids and wife...but...

I don't think having his money is what you were getting at, I understand you were saying its the love your missing and its hard not to compare to his lifestyle when your struggling and broken hearted and hes traveling without a care.

But nope, I don't think he is...just like having an ow was a distraction and escapism, so are all his assets like vacation home and "perfect family" inside...bet hes bankrupt.

Feel better, and go after a job that pays more, might as well channel the heartbreak into something that pays off. You are worth it.

 

Oh please.....it is not the betrayed spouses fault that their spouse cheats! It is the CHEATER'S fault! The cheater is broken. It amazes me all the women who blame the wife for not keeping the man happy enough so he won't cheat. It isn't HER job to KEEP him happy. And if that is your train of thought, what is HE doing to keep HER happy? Having a secret lover? Spending family money on the mistress? Spending time sexting (which is so juvenile and pathetic) vs spending time reading with his kids or doing homework with them?

 

People cheat because they are selfish and self serving. They only care about themselves. They don't leave their wife for many reason - go read all the many posts here that will tell you the various reasons they don't leave .... which are all just excuses. If a man loves a woman, he will want to be with her, he would not disrespect her nor ask her to be a mistress. He would want to show her off to family and friends; not sneak around and have sex in a car or motel.

 

.

 

It's kinda what you signed up for! Own that and make the right choices to get you there if that's what you want out of life. It all really boils down to hard work and responsible choices.

 

When you choose to engage in an affair with a married person, not sure why you (general you) would expect this big happy love affair. Do some affairs end up being 'real' relationships? Of course they do! Does it happen often? I highly doubt it.

 

There are also many, many OW who 'use' the MM for financial gain - gifts, money for bills, etc. I don't understand how a person can do that - be paid for participation in an affair.

 

Too many women are wasting their lives on married men. Too many women get all wound up thinking the affair is going to turn into some fairy tale love story and it usually ends up quite the opposite. I feel bad for women that they cannot see that lowering themselves to be in an affair is not a positive step for them. They are having their power over to a dude who is married.

 

Like someone else posted, the MM had money prior to the affair ... so I am not understanding the anger over the financial stability his family has. Should his wife live in a shelter or shop at the thrift store because her H chose to have an affair? Isn't her life already bad enough because she has no idea that has been exposed to STD's; she has no idea if the OW will go bunny boiler when the affair ends; she has no idea if her kids will be targeted by a vengeful angry former lover (to be politically correct, you can substitute the "OW" for "OM" and change the betrayed spouse from female to male). It is shameful that a married person chooses to expose their spouse to an STD - and expose their children to potential dangerous situations. These are not great dad's/mom's - these are selfish cruel people. Add on to that - all the lies and bull crap they tell their affair partner - don't have sex, sleep in separate rooms, don't speak to the spouse, etc. and the affair partner unfortunately believes all this crap and then is blindsided by being thrown under the bus on D day or when the cheater decides to "work on the marriage" and end the affair. The affair partner is then left broken and depressed, which isn't right either...even though they willingly got involved in an affair.

[Hope Shimmers]

Anyone else experience jealousy of mm's life? His wife is six figures, he's close behind. Vacations, summer house, etc. I've been struggling to pay bills. There was solace in the love. But thats over. What good is it if you're not sharing daily life. I could be happy without being rich if there was love. Seems people stick in relationships for love or money. The lucky ones have both. Now I'm both broke and brokenhearted and he's planning a family winter getaway before the eldest leaves home. He seems quite content with his status quo and I feel like a used toy. Hard to get over any ex when their life seems to be going better. I know I should be focusing on myself but I feel like I'm telling myself platitudes.

 

I had the opposite situation. I am the one with the six-figure salary and he is the one who is filing for bankruptcy and who still owes me many thousands of dollars that I was stupid enough to loan to him and his wife so they could keep their house.

 

I can tell you, it doesn't feel any better from this side of it.

[norudder]

Oh please.....it is not the betrayed spouses fault that their spouse cheats! It is the CHEATER'S fault! The cheater is broken. It amazes me all the women who blame the wife for not keeping the man happy enough so he won't cheat. It isn't HER job to KEEP him happy. And if that is your train of thought, what is HE doing to keep HER happy? Having a secret lover? Spending family money on the mistress? Spending time sexting (which is so juvenile and pathetic) vs spending time reading with his kids or doing homework with them?

 

People cheat because they are selfish and self serving. They only care about themselves. They don't leave their wife for many reason - go read all the many posts here that will tell you the various reasons they don't leave .... which are all just excuses. If a man loves a woman, he will want to be with her, he would not disrespect her nor ask her to be a mistress. He would want to show her off to family and friends; not sneak around and have sex in a car or motel.

 

 

 

When you choose to engage in an affair with a married person, not sure why you (general you) would expect this big happy love affair. Do some affairs end up being 'real' relationships? Of course they do! Does it happen often? I highly doubt it.

 

There are also many, many OW who 'use' the MM for financial gain - gifts, money for bills, etc. I don't understand how a person can do that - be paid for participation in an affair.

 

Too many women are wasting their lives on married men. Too many women get all wound up thinking the affair is going to turn into some fairy tale love story and it usually ends up quite the opposite. I feel bad for women that they cannot see that lowering themselves to be in an affair is not a positive step for them. They are having their power over to a dude who is married.

 

Like someone else posted, the MM had money prior to the affair ... so I am not understanding the anger over the financial stability his family has. Should his wife live in a shelter or shop at the thrift store because her H chose to have an affair? Isn't her life already bad enough because she has no idea that has been exposed to STD's; she has no idea if the OW will go bunny boiler when the affair ends; she has no idea if her kids will be targeted by a vengeful angry former lover (to be politically correct, you can substitute the "OW" for "OM" and change the betrayed spouse from female to male). It is shameful that a married person chooses to expose their spouse to an STD - and expose their children to potential dangerous situations. These are not great dad's/mom's - these are selfish cruel people. Add on to that - all the lies and bull crap they tell their affair partner - don't have sex, sleep in separate rooms, don't speak to the spouse, etc. and the affair partner unfortunately believes all this crap and then is blindsided by being thrown under the bus on D day or when the cheater decides to "work on the marriage" and end the affair. The affair partner is then left broken and depressed, which isn't right either...even though they willingly got involved in an affair.

 

I feel like this response was slightly off topic from original post and was primarily in response to the one sentence about if his W was great he wouldn't be in A.

I agree with many of your points. It takes two to maintain a quality M but going outside of it if there are issues is wrong and entirely on the WS who yes is often broken or has internal unhappinesses to resolve.

 

What is said is not always crap, my H and I actually were in separate bedrooms not intimate etc. So I believed if it was true on my end it could be true on his. The hurt is in thinking he might've chose lifestyle over my love or that it wasn't really love from his side. I'm starting to realize if either of those is true he's not a man I want to be with anyway.

[norudder]

I had the opposite situation. I am the one with the six-figure salary and he is the one who is filing for bankruptcy and who still owes me many thousands of dollars that I was stupid enough to loan to him and his wife so they could keep their house.

 

I can tell you, it doesn't feel any better from this side of it.

 

Ouch. That would be difficult to not be bitter about. If you've gotten to terms with it I applaud your strength. I am glad that mingling money wasn't a component in my A. Thank you for your perspective

[norudder]

He's not happy though Id suspect.

If his wife was so wonderful he wouldn't have needed an op.

And look at Robin Williams, all the money in the world...and beautiful kids and wife...but...

I don't think having his money is what you were getting at, I understand you were saying its the love your missing and its hard not to compare to his lifestyle when your struggling and broken hearted and hes traveling without a care.

But nope, I don't think he is...just like having an ow was a distraction and escapism, so are all his assets like vacation home and "perfect family" inside...bet hes bankrupt.

Feel better, and go after a job that pays more, might as well channel the heartbreak into something that pays off. You are worth it.

 

Thank you for getting what i was trying to say. I think you're right. He made comments about feeling broken and had some depression a few years ago. I hate to think of myself as an escape for him but I think I would be better served feeling sorry for him instead of myself. At least I'm now living authentically. Even if its authentically miserable at the moment, my life will change for the better.

Edited February 21, 2015 by norudder

[Hope Shimmers]

Ouch. That would be difficult to not be bitter about. If you've gotten to terms with it I applaud your strength. I am glad that mingling money wasn't a component in my A. Thank you for your perspective

 

Thanks. It took me a lot of grief, years of anger. Just when I thought the anger was over it would reappear. In the end it was my own fault - so I had to accept that it was just part of what I had to let go of in order to heal.

 

It's just money. Money doesn't even come close to representing or buying happiness.