iceprincess Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I've written about my boyfriend and me a few times in this forum, but none of the replies have really helped. I really want to be "okay" with my boyfriend going to strip clubs with his friends but every time he goes, I feel hurt. I've talked to him about my feelings and he uses the excuse that strip clubs are a "guy thing". He admitted to me that he goes because he likes seeing other naked women and that he gets hard-ons during lap dances. I feel really disrespected when he comes home all hot'n'hard for me. I need some advice on how to deal with my jealousy because I love him and I know he loves me. We are planning to get married next year, after he gets his degree...this is a person that I'm going to love and be with forever and I don't want to feel any resentment about him going to strip clubs. I know that some girls are okay with their husbands/boyfriend going but I'd like to know if my feelings are fair and legit. I know that if it was the other way around, he would have a fit about me getting lap dances from a male dancer. Any feedback would be wonderful. Thank you!
ChevyGirl Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Well I know what you are going through. My boyfriend has gone a few times when we were broken up, but since we have been back together he hasn't. He says he has no need to go look at other naked chicks. Plus whats the point, he can't touch them or anything. I think that if you have already told him how you feel then its really up to him to decide to stop going or not. I know it sucks because its a girl thing that we get jealous when our men look at other women, especially if they are naked. I think if he doesn't respect your feelings then maybe you shouldn't be with him because if you guys are planning on getting married and this doesn't stop now, then its probably never going to stop even when you are married. Think about it. You either deal with it or you don't. Hope you can decide. Don't do what other people tell you to do. I'm just giving you my opinion, but in the end its you who decides. Good Luck.
Topaze Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Iceprincess...if that is your photo, I have only one thing to say. You are WAY too lovely to put up with this from ANY guy. You deserve better than this. DUMP HIM and dump him FAST. He ain't worth it and he's just going to cause you all kinds of heartache. While you are still young and surrounded by all kinds of wonderful men in your age group, take the time to hook up with someone who is worthy of you. It will only get much harder if you marry this jerk, get divorced and then have to start again to find someone when you are older and most of the good ones are taken. Believe you me. I know of what I speak.
EC Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 One suggestion: Have you ever gone with him to a strip club??? My bf and I go...I first went because I wanted to see what goes on in there first hand...but then my bf and I had a blast together. But now that I know what goes on I don't mind as much when he goes with his boys. Even though I know they may act a little different with out me there. How often does he go ICEPRINCESS?
blind_otter Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Well, what exactly are you jealous of? The women that he is looking at? What if he looks at other women like on the beach or on TV or on porn? Is it the same level of jealousy? One of my best friends is a stripper, so I know about the strip club thing from a whole other perspective, so in many ways I don't think I could ever be jealous of that...
Author iceprincess Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by EC One suggestion: Have you ever gone with him to a strip club??? My bf and I go...I first went because I wanted to see what goes on in there first hand...but then my bf and I had a blast together. But now that I know what goes on I don't mind as much when he goes with his boys. Even though I know they may act a little different with out me there. How often does he go ICEPRINCESS? Hi, EC. I told him that I wanted to go with him and his reply was,"why would I take my girlfriend to a place like that?" He doesn't want me to go with him. He goes once a month/once every couple of months.
d'Arthez Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Is this another one of these male/female differences in his mind? Not to suggest this, but I am a bit curious how he would react if you would suggest that you would want to work in such a place. After all, if it is completely innocent, what is wrong with making loads of money? Probably he would be telling that a lot of men would hit on you. Big deal, as long as you don't hit on the men. Probably he would be telling that a lot of men, would get turned on by you. Big deal, as that is why he is going to these places.
Author iceprincess Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Well, what exactly are you jealous of? The women that he is looking at? What if he looks at other women like on the beach or on TV or on porn? Is it the same level of jealousy? One of my best friends is a stripper, so I know about the strip club thing from a whole other perspective, so in many ways I don't think I could ever be jealous of that... Hi, blind_otter, great question. What am I jealous of? Well, I'm jealous that he finds the strippers/dancers more attractive than me. I don't mind as much when he looks at other women at the beach...just as long as he isn't staring. The last time that he went to a strip club, his friends bought him a lap dance and that stripper/dancer made a mark on his neck with her teeth. It wasn't a hicky, but it was a...love/play bite of sorts. I don't have anything against strippers because I know that stripping is a job. I dislike the fact that he'll go blow $100 on strippers when we could've gone out to a nice dinner. We're both busy so we don't go out very often.
blind_otter Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by iceprincess Hi, blind_otter, great question. What am I jealous of? Well, I'm jealous that he finds the strippers/dancers more attractive than me. I don't mind as much when he looks at other women at the beach...just as long as he isn't staring. The last time that he went to a strip club, his friends bought him a lap dance and that stripper/dancer made a mark on his neck with her teeth. It wasn't a hicky, but it was a...love/play bite of sorts. I don't have anything against strippers because I know that stripping is a job. I dislike the fact that he'll go blow $100 on strippers when we could've gone out to a nice dinner. We're both busy so we don't go out very often. Ya know, the bite thing is kinda gross. My friend is a lesbian, so she neeeeever does stuff like that to the guys that come in. It sounds like he has some kind of compulsion, because that interaction, between strippers and the guys paying them, is very empty and meaningless. It's obvious that the interaction is like this, even to observers....do you guys have a good relationship otherwise? Is he good about paying attention to you? Is he attentive in other ways? Because honestly, he doesn't sound like marriage material, to me.
Author iceprincess Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Is this another one of these male/female differences in his mind? Not to suggest this, but I am a bit curious how he would react if you would suggest that you would want to work in such a place. After all, if it is completely innocent, what is wrong with making loads of money? Probably he would be telling that a lot of men would hit on you. Big deal, as long as you don't hit on the men. Probably he would be telling that a lot of men, would get turned on by you. Big deal, as that is why he is going to these places. Hi, d'Arthez. I was kidding once (just to see how he would react) and I asked what he thought about me being a stripper. He said that he would not want to be with me because he will not be with a girl like that. He said he can't stand the thought of other guys looking at my naked body. He is very much a hypocrite and he knows it. I don't know what else to do to make him see things through my eyes.
Author iceprincess Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Ya know, the bite thing is kinda gross. My friend is a lesbian, so she neeeeever does stuff like that to the guys that come in. It sounds like he has some kind of compulsion, because that interaction, between strippers and the guys paying them, is very empty and meaningless. It's obvious that the interaction is like this, even to observers....do you guys have a good relationship otherwise? Is he good about paying attention to you? Is he attentive in other ways? Because honestly, he doesn't sound like marriage material, to me. I hear that the interaction between the strippers and guys paying them IS empty and meaningless from most people that I've talked with. Sometimes I get a feeling that he knows I don't like him going, yet he goes to further my jealousy. I like how you seem to always ask the right questions. Other than the strip clubs, when I actually get down to it...he's very affectionate when we're home but he hardly holds my hand or give me hugs when we go out. He says that he's very self-conscious and that he's not comfortable with PDA (public display of affection). But it's not like we make out in public! There are a few more things that we have to work out before tying the knots and posting this thread has really made me think about our relationship and what our future will look like.
Author iceprincess Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by gd1039 dump him. I love him and we're in more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we're practically married. I moved from MT to TX for this person because he is someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Besides all our issues, he's an honest, trustworthy and reliable person. He's just really stubborn and a GUY. It would be a sad, sad day if we ever break up because all that we've been through and the distance that I've traveled to be with him would all me for nothing.
gd1039 Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I'm a guy and I wouldn't do something that I knew deeply bothered my girlfriend, and I would hope she would do the same for me. The fact that you are practically married is even more reason to do what I just said. Obviously you can't give up everything you love just to make someone else happy, but relationships do have compromises. Originally posted by iceprincess would all be for nothing. Despite that rambling, probably the most worthwhile thing I have said in a while... It isn't about where you end up, its the experiences along the way. If your relationship with him ends, the experiences and the things you learned are all that matter. You learn from what you have done to make the future that much better.
blind_otter Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by iceprincess I hear that the interaction between the strippers and guys paying them IS empty and meaningless from most people that I've talked with. Sometimes I get a feeling that he knows I don't like him going, yet he goes to further my jealousy. I like how you seem to always ask the right questions. Other than the strip clubs, when I actually get down to it...he's very affectionate when we're home but he hardly holds my hand or give me hugs when we go out. He says that he's very self-conscious and that he's not comfortable with PDA (public display of affection). But it's not like we make out in public! There are a few more things that we have to work out before tying the knots and posting this thread has really made me think about our relationship and what our future will look like. Maybe you should just take a break from the whole engaged thing, because this is a big deal. It's something that needs to be addressed to the satisfaction of both parties. It just seems so tragic when women accept things because guys are "just dudes" -- does he accept you doing things just because you are a woman??
BigB Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 If it bothers you, he should stop going. I'll admit, I've gone to a few strip clubs, and while it's kinda fun, it's not all that great. Plus it's expensive. If I had a GF who didn't like me going I wouldn't. Only exception would be like a bachelor party. I'd go if invited, and that was the scheduled activity. I'd want to support the groom. but I wouldn't get any dances, I'd probably leave early, and I'd discuss this with her in advance. If your thinking about marriage he needs to be able to compromise on some things. Maybe offer to do private striper type dances for him instead?
d'Arthez Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by iceprincess He is very much a hypocrite and he knows it. I don't know what else to do to make him see things through my eyes. Iceprincess: If it is a men's thing to watch at naked bodies, then it is a women's thing to let themselves be watched. I know he is hypocritical about it. The only way to deal with a hypocrite in a relationship is not by letting you get bothered by him, then. Do what you want, even if he disproves of it. Probably Otter (see I can learn!) is making the best call of the situation. You are not supposed to marry him, because you moved from MT to TX, but because the two of you love each other, and can work things like this out. At the moment, it does not seem like it at best. And it is not true that because you are a woman, you are supposed to suffer from his hypocritical values and behaviors, as it is may be a women's thing to do in his views.
blind_otter Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Probably Otter (see I can learn!) I am addicted to pot, and I'll be damned if someone asked me to quit smoking pot because they didn't like it, I would be pissed. If he is addicted to that empty interaction, I would venture to guess that he would NOT want to give it up very easily.
PatientOne Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Originally posted by iceprincess I love him and we're in more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we're practically married. I moved from MT to TX for this person because he is someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Besides all our issues, he's an honest, trustworthy and reliable person. He's just really stubborn and a GUY. It would be a sad, sad day if we ever break up because all that we've been through and the distance that I've traveled to be with him would all me for nothing. Ok, let's see what we have here: BF goes to strip clubs knowing it bothers you BF won't include you in his "fun" BF can throw away $100 on one of these nights out The two of you don't get to go out often, but he does this every month or two He doesn't do PDA with you, but lets a stripper bite his neck during a lap dance Calling it a guy thing is insulting to guys in general. It isn't a guy thing, it's an excuse. Originally posted by iceprincess would all be for nothing Not at all. It would be a lesson learned. A painful one, yes but not the end of the world. MT is still there if you ever want to go home. And if not, well maybe you should start searching for a MC now, because I'd be willing to bet you'll be needing one after the wedding. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it needs to be said. I wish you luck.
FolderWife Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Accept it or dump him. Accept it or dump him. Accept it or dump him. Is there anything that he does that particularly makes it hurt you? Is he rude to you afterwards? Does he come home and want to have sex?
Debster Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I don't have a problem with my husband going to the peelers once in a while (stags, bdays, etc) but I would if this was a regular activity. Decide - what bothers you more - him going to the peelers or being without him?
Mz. Pixie Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I'm with Patient One. Sounds like he has a problem. If he won't quit because of how it makes you feel. I have a feeling he might be the type to tell you he quit going and then do it anyway. You've invested alot in this relationship, true, but nothing compared to what you would invest in a marriage, trust me. Get out now while you can.
HoldOn Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Accept it or dump him. Accept it or dump him. Accept it or dump him. Absolutely! People don't change! Even if he gives this up (which he won't), it will be something else. Or somebody else. I know you've invested a lot in this relationship, but that's all the reason to stop now before you invest any more. I know that people say "it's a guy thing", but I know plenty of guys who do not go to strip clubs, including my bf. Saying "it's a guy thing" is a total lie and excuse for bad behavior. Does he ever get upset for something you do... anything, like leaving lights on or whatever. If so, just tell him it's a girl thing and you can't help it. It doesn't make any sense. It is important to you. You have told him it bothers you. He continues to do it. What does that tell you about him? What does it say about his feelings for you? Think about it. It is fair for you to be upset. You have a right to have feelings. And feeling upset about this is totally normal.
Author iceprincess Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 THANK YOU EVERYONE for all the great advice and replies. Moving to TX by myself wasn't easy and it hasn't been easy to make new friends and sometimes I feel alone in my thoughts, so I really appreciate the feedback that everyone's been giving to me.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 As a I guy, I don't see a problem with going to strip bars and looking. But if you ask me, lap dances are at least somewhat disrespectful to a guy's partner. Yes, it's all meaningless... but then so are one night stands, and you'd be even more hurt if he'd done that. IMHO, "look but don't touch" is a good rule of thumb when you're in a relationship. A lap dance is definitely touching. I agree with some of the other posters: it's a question of what you're comfortable with and how much it bothers you. If he's willing to forsake private dances, then maybe that's enough? Your call. Or if him going to peelers really bugs you, then he should stop. And if he won't then the ball's in your court as to whether or not you can stay with him.
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