My guy is breaking up with his girl and it's mixing things up.

[pandagirrrl]

Hello there, I need help with this guy I'm having an affair with. I know this is a bit lengthy but I promise I tried to sum it up the best way possible.

 

So I've been having an affair with this guy for about eight months now. We've been pretty solid, even better than him and his girlfriend if I do say so myself, with our last encounter being him passing by my house unexpectedly one January night because he missed me so much, ala Romeo and Juliet. Anyway, after that night he slowly started detaching. We'd still talk, but there was a period wherein the network was down in the whole country and we couldn't reach each other. During that time I felt a wall was built between us. When the network was okay again, we messaged each other a few times, but from talking most of the day it trimmed down to just a few lines long. I asked him more than once if he was okay, if there was something he wanted to talk about, and all he said was that he was 'stressed'. He told me he'd share the next day, but he never messaged me. Finally around the end of January I felt I did not deserve to be treated this way and said that as long as he was seeing someone other than me I did not want to be with him. I woke up the next morning to a couple of his messages, basically saying, "You've been saying things like that for quite some time now, and I want to save you from the misery I'm going through, so let's just have it your way." He said he'd still like for us to talk if I would allow it, and that he would love to see me soon. I was appalled. A couple of days later he messages me, and about a week later I ask him how he is. This is when he tells me that he and his girlfriend are breaking up. Now, he had opened up to me before about how he doesn't feel like his girlfriend is "the one" and he was just trying to figure out when the right time to leave was, but I know it was still hard for him. He said he was sorry for neglecting me, that he missed me, and would really love to see me soon. I apologised as well for not understanding and for leaving when he needed a friend.

 

BUT THE THING IS, this guy apparently has a reputation as a serial cheater. I’ve actually proven some of the rumours flying about him to be false, but I can never really be sure because hey, if he can cheat with me then he can cheat on me, too. But I don’t know. I mean, I know that every girl wants to believe she’ll be the one to change a cheater, but he just seems so different. He would pick me up from work every night just to make sure I would get home safe, even if it wasn’t convenient for him, and he would take me to fancy restaurants for dinner and always pay (and I know his cash isn’t unlimited so it means a lot to me). He also talked about his family, which is something I know cheaters don’t usually do. He’d tell me fun facts about him and his siblings, and he’d also tell me when he got into heated arguments with his mom or had other serious family problems. We’d have our own arguments every now and then, but he’d make it up to me right away, the longest fight was probably like, just a day and a half. He would always say that I was beautiful, that he loved me dearly, and that he knew a lot of other guys are after me so he’s really scared of losing me.

 

Ever since he told me about this ongoing break up process with his girlfriend, he’s started messaging me a little bit again, asking me how I was every now and then. Last Valentines I got on his case about having so many girl friends (“the ones like me,” I said) and he said, “Well you’re different. Not everybody gets the treatment you do. Or you did.” I apologised for being childish, but I said I was not sorry for my feelings. He told me he would just have to get through that day’s work and then we could talk some more. He also told me to smile, “because you’re more beautiful that way.” But he never got back to me.

 

Just yesterday, he messaged me saying, “Hi cutiepatootie. I miss you.” I replied a few hours late, and was disappointed to see that he just seen zoned me.

 

Okay, all that fluff aside, here is my main concern: Because we don’t talk as much anymore, I feel like he may be developing something with someone new (based on earlier claims that he’s a serial cheater). Should I go with this instinct? Or am I just being too paranoid and overthinking everything? I did some research and know that boys get overly affected by break ups, too, so is it demanding of me to feel like I deserve more attention? Also: how can I trust that he means what he says, that he misses me and has legit feelings for me? Am I stupid because I can’t see he loves me and is just going through a rough time, or am I stupid because I can’t see he’s playing me?

 

Other advice regarding what I should (or should not do) would be appreciated as well. Thank you in advance.

[Poppy47]

What kind of smart ass creep have you go yourself involved with?

 

The way he addresses you is cheap and disrespectful.

 

PUll yourself together and drop out of the picture altogether.... seems like he is not your guy, he is anyone's guy. Are you protecting yourself against diseases.

 

Poppy.

[dubliner]

You're not stupid at all, he's very good at what he does.

Trust your gut, if you have to ask if he's a player you most likely already know he is and there are obviously red flags you are seeing but closing your conscious eyes to.

You can't 'change' a person with poor morals and lack of boundaries and be honest with yourself, if you are having these doubts about his character now how does this bode well for a full relationship?

I would advise you cool it off for a while, let him get through his 'misery'. In the meantime look for a relationship that you can feel secure with.

[Mal78]

Last Valentines I got on his case about having so many girl friends (“the ones like me,” I said) and he said, “Well you’re different. Not everybody gets the treatment you do. Or you did.” I apologised for being childish, but I said I was not sorry for my feelings.

 

You told him your feelings but only piggybacked them on an apology for being childish for getting on his case for having so many girls. You fluffed it, he fluffed it off.

 

From what you described it does seem he is a serial cheater. He makes a career at being who he is, charming the panties of women, manipulates, gets tired.... moves on. He will still keep you on a string for an option when you see him as "the one".

 

Let the buck stop and cut that string. Why only be someone's option when you could be someone's everything?