I might have to move because of my job...

[MissTrudy]

I've been dating my wonderful bf for 10 months now. We've grown together a lot and he's the first guy I've opened up to, I'm the first girl he's ever fallen in love with, etc. Right now we live about 20 min away from each other so we see each other a lot, but I am about to finish my PhD and the job opportunities may take me across the country (we live in the US). I've broached the topic about me potentially having to move once and the conversation ended up being about what our individual goals are for the next five years. This was all when everything was hypothetical though.

 

Today I got a job offer at a prestigious institution on the other side of the country, and it's definitely a position that was a reach to apply for. Next week, I have an interview at another institution on the other side of the country. I haven't heard back about the position that I applied for near us (about 50 min from where we currently live), which is probably my second choice from a career perspective but first choice from a personal perspective (I love where I currently live, he's here, it's also a great institution).

 

He seemed excited for me when I told him but he's always a bit hard to read. But now I can't really put off talking about how this will impact our relationship. I've never had this kind of conversation before so I am nervous and don't really know how to start it. I'm worried about how I will come off.

 

This is how I view it: The position I was offered is short term (2-3 years, it's basically more training that's required if I want to be a professor, which I want to do ultimately) so in 2-3 years I'd be uprooting again anyway. He loves where we currently live and while he is happy with his job, he does see himself growing out of it, and has contemplated switching companies, or freelancing in the long-term. Where we live is the best place in the world for what he does though. There are similar jobs to what he does where I have the offer, but not as many. Because we are both so young (mid-20s), and also because our relationship is relatively young (though it's definitely serious) I don't want him to make career sacrifices just for me, especially because if he did, there's a high chance we'd be uprooting again in 3 years. If he wants to move I'd be extremely happy, of course, but I don't want to push him towards that. I was in a 2 year long distance relationship before that was always LD, and my current bf and i were actually long distance for about three months this past year. I would be willing to do it again for 2 years, so I need to see if he would be willing to do it too.

 

Is it best to broach this conversation by saying something like:

"would you be willing to be long distance if i took this job?"

"in your opinion, how would this impact our relationship if i took this job?"

"would you want to keep dating if i moved cross country?"

or something else?

 

should i have this convo now or once all the job offers are on the table (i'll have to wait until the beginning of march, then)? my gut is to have it now, because if i dont get any other job offers, i'll have to take it.

 

any other tips would be appreciated too. thanks!

[Els]

I think it's fine to have the conversation now, in general terms. 10 months is definitely not too early to gauge what you each think about the relationship and the potential of LDRs. But no point hashing out the specific details until the job offers are on the table.

[DannyCA]

Yeah definitely have the conversation now. And I also think the questions you have are very reasonable. You have been in a LD relationship for two years before, so you have a better idea of what it takes as opposed to him who has 3 months. Go with your gut, too many people try to control situations and cater things to how they want them to work out. Life doesn't necessarily work out that way.

 

But if you are serious about this relationship you need to tell him and make sure he knows this and vice versa - you need to make sure you are really serious about this relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Having faced that issue, unless he's your spouse his opinion doesn't count all that much. If you get the closer job fine but if the cross country gig is your only option, you take the job. After you accept the job you tell him, I love you but I have to do this I'm open to long distance because with all the technology we can stay in touch & we'll have enough money to see each other a few times per year so it won't be that bad. It also won't be forever. After 3 years I can apply to other places, closer etc. You are also welcome to move with me.

[justwhoiam]

What about: Do you think things will change between us? How do you feel about that?

 

And you start from that.