Is my partner cheating online?

[DutchGirl]

I'm torn up about something... Basically here's the thing.

Have you ever heard of SecondLife (SL)? It's pretty much a virtual reality where you can look however you want, go wherever you want and do whatever you want. Me and my partner met on there and we have now been together for almost 4,5 years in real life. He moved from the UK to the Netherlands to be with me and he's been living with me for almost 3 years now.

 

Now since a few months, he's gone back on SL and it pretty much rules his life now. He doesn't have a job so he pretty much just sits on his computer on SL, among other things. Ever since he's gone back on there, awkward moments have been between us because I keep accusing him of cheating on me with these women on SL and he keeps saying I am the spying on him and not trusting him. So I was hoping if I tell you all the things that have been going on, maybe you can help me make a better judgement if it really is just me being paranoid or if something is going on here...

 

It started with him making a Facebook account for his SL person, he spends more time on that profile then on his real life profile. When I asked him if I could join it, he said no, it's his private profile, he goes on it to get away from real life, and if I would go on there, then real life would be there and it would basically be pointless. When I asked him why he even has a "fake" profile he says he likes to get away from real life because it depresses him (he has no job and a troubled past).

He also hides his conversations whenever I walk by, and when he leaves the room he always turns his screen off. When I stand or sit too close to his computer (for example when I'm playing with the cat on the floor) he gets annoyed at me.

I've also seen him delete his conversations on both SL and FB and when I asked him why he does this, he says he doesn't want his computer to get clogged up with conversations.

He spends most of his time on this SL, more than he spends with me, and especially lately, sometimes he's been staying up till like 3 or 4am talking to his American women friends, he says because of the time difference it's the only times he can talk to them.

 

Ok, then there is the things I've managed to see on his computer (which are quite few since he always hides the screen). First there was this woman and I would always see him and her cuddling on SL and see pictures of that on his SL FB. When I asked him about this, he explained she was trying to make her ex boyfriend jealous with pictures of her with another guy and he was simply helping her.

 

Then he had a fight with that woman, stopped talking to her and another woman became the main person I saw him hanging out with on SL. There is this thing called "poseballs" on SL where you can stand in to go in certain positions. One time I saw him getting on this kissing pose ball in front of her and when I asked what he was doing he said he was trying out the new poseballs in his new furniture (I saw him buying this new furniture earlier). Next I've seen these poseballs laying around his house, which were love and kiss poseballs aswell, I asked him about it and he said yes they did belong to that woman but he hadn't used them with her, she often goes on his land, so she probably used them with her SL boyfriend (he said she has a SL boyfriend). Then you should know that on his SL profile, it says nothing about me at all, it doesn't state he has a girlfriend or anything. So one day I check his profile and it says "Happily taken by my beautiful girlfriend" then I check this womans profile and it says "Happily taken by my thoughtful boyfriend." So I pretty much freaked out, accused my partner of cheating on me on SL because of these matching profiles. He then got furious at me for accusing him of this, said it was just a coincidence and that I needed to stop spying on him and trust him. He actually got so mad he broke up with me (he then took it back a few hours later). Ever since I've been afraid to ask him anything of SL because he would think I was spying on him. Later he and this woman had a big fight and stopped talking aswell.

 

So now there is a new woman in his SL that he spends all his time with. When I asked if there was anything going on he said no way she's in her 50s (he's 30) and that'd be weird. I've seen them call each other "my love" and say love you to each other. I asked him and he said he calls everyone my love and they say love you cause they're good friends (I admit, I say love you to friends too sometimes). Also I checked her SL profile today and it said "spoken for, very happy" but then it further said nothing about a boyfriend, except a tab about my partner calling him her love (which then leads me to think he's the one she's been spoken for).

 

Whenever I ask him about the things I see on his SL or his SL FB or anything about his internet life, he says it's his private life and it's none of my business. He then starts attacking me instead telling me to trust him. When I get sad about it, he tells me he loves me more than anything and he would never ever do something that would hurt me like cheating on me. He did tell me recently if I saw anything that bothered me I should just ask him straight away cause he didn't want me to walk around unhappy. He also said it was cute I kept having these little accusations about him.

 

The answers he's had to my accusations and questions always seemed truthful and I've always believed him everytime, it's just the whole build up of things that worries me now.

 

Some background about him: - he is a very loving and caring person - he wants to be respected and maybe even admired by everyone - he loves getting attention from people -there is no doubt that he loves me very much - he does spend time with me, it's not like we spend no time together - he often lies about little things like how many beers he's had or if he's done a household chore

 

So, if you were able to read all that, my question is obviously, what do you think? Is there a chance I am really just being paranoid and he's just good friends with these women or am I being stupid for believing him everytime and could there really be something going on here?

[PegNosePete]

No I do not think you are being paranoid at all. He is acting totally inappropriately. All those secrets he is keeping from you. He is feeding you BS excuses about wanting to keep real life out of it. What a crock. He is hiding things because he knows you would be upset and probably dump him if you knew what he was up to.

 

You need to ditch him, he does not respect you and he is having multiple emotional affairs. Plus he has serious video game addiction to an extent that it is interfering with his RL life.

 

If I were you I would dump him and move on. He has had multiple warnings and lied to you multiple times, and shows no remorse or responsibility for his actions.

[Realist3]

Yes, he is having emotional affairs on SL. His SL addiction will ultimately kill your relationship sooner or later. If you can get over the EA's, I would tell him it is SL or you, but not both. Being in your 30's with no job and spending all of your time in fantasy land is not healthy.

[TigerLilly78]

Yes I was a long time SL user and YES he is having emotional affairs on sl all the hiding and lies hes telling you are to hide it when its obivisely clear to you whats happening. people go back to sl when things are lacking in their rl if its a job he needs to get off his ass and get one if he has issues from his past he needs to seek therapy and meds and move on with life.

 

Bottom line is hes not happy and you are not enough to hold his attention anymore if his sl addiction is getting this bad hes replacing you with these virtual women because they are giveing him something your relashionship is lacking once he finds one he really clicks with he will leave you for her.

 

 

Its up to you if you want to sit there and wait for this to happen? or if you want to be proactive about it and make him stop? or leave his ass cause unless you make a move you will end up the loser all around SL KILLS RL RELATIONSHIPS ALL THE TIME..if its allowed to..

[No Limit]

Well-timed thread. I've heard of Second Life just a few weeks ago and what I found was astonishing - haven't heard of a game attracting that many people to become addicted.

 

Yes, your partner is having affairs online - literally! Users in that game can marry and even have children together there. It's a very hard addiction to overcome and many real life relationships - even long-lasting marriages - were destroyed because of it.

[Zahara]

Your partner is using SL to avoid and escape from his real life relationship and that is indicative of his commitment and investment in you. Yes, he is emotionally cheating.

 

Why are you with someone that doesn't offer you much in life? Even if he wasn't on this site, why are you supporting a man this sits on his butt and does nothing? A troubled past is not an excuse.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Zahara

[TigerLilly78]

Well-timed thread. I've heard of Second Life just a few weeks ago and what I found was astonishing - haven't heard of a game attracting that many people to become addicted.

 

Yes, your partner is having affairs online - literally! Users in that game can marry and even have children together there. It's a very hard addiction to overcome and many real life relationships - even long-lasting marriages - were destroyed because of it.

 

Gamers dont consider SL a game at best its a very interactive chat room with adult content but yeah I guess to most its a "game" and your right there is no end to things one can do in there and no limit to how low ones morels can sink when they become truly addicted to it..I feel for the OP but she needs to stop it now..

[jazzybones]

could there really be something going on here?

 

Yes.

 

But also, the software engineer in me wants to point out that this:

 

I've also seen him delete his conversations on both SL and FB and when I asked him why he does this, he says he doesn't want his computer to get clogged up with conversations.

 

Is a really, really stupid excuse, given that conversations on neither of these things take up actual space on your computer since they're stored entirely on servers.

 

This guy is lying through his teeth and doesn't even respect you enough to think that you'll see through lies (obviously you have since you're posting here)

[No Limit]

Gamers dont consider SL a game at best its a very interactive chat room with adult content but yeah I guess to most its a "game" and your right there is no end to things one can do in there and no limit to how low ones morels can sink when they become truly addicted to it..I feel for the OP but she needs to stop it now..

 

Well the name "Second Life" is already quite telling -- this game, program or whatever you want to call it gives you the opportunity to be everything you want to be without restrictions. I guess it really depends how you use it; personally the only reason I got curious was when my old horse online MMO was shut down and I found out you could have some there, lol. But many people are getting attached to the people they meet in the wrong way - there's a difference between being part of a group you like to play with every once in a while and spending 15+ hours there talking and replacing your real life. You can't detach from real life fully, no matter how much some people might want to.

 

But, honestly? When I researched about it I was just so relieved I dug myself into text RPG forums and chats instead of getting into this game during my bully time. If I had my life would probably look much darker now.

[TigerLilly78]

Well the name "Second Life" is already quite telling -- this game, program or whatever you want to call it gives you the opportunity to be everything you want to be without restrictions. I guess it really depends how you use it; personally the only reason I got curious was when my old horse online MMO was shut down and I found out you could have some there, lol. But many people are getting attached to the people they meet in the wrong way - there's a difference between being part of a group you like to play with every once in a while and spending 15+ hours there talking and replacing your real life. You can't detach from real life fully, no matter how much some people might want to.

 

But, honestly? When I researched about it I was just so relieved I dug myself into text RPG forums and chats instead of getting into this game during my bully time. If I had my life would probably look much darker now.

 

You wouldn't be talking about "amaretto horses"? would you? they are one of the breedable horses you can have on there breed sell trade them...breedables are a major money drop in sl people can spend hundreds if not thousands of real life cash on crap like that in there..

 

I once knew a couple in sl who made it their entire life like they would sit in separate rooms in their home and talk via sl the level they too it to was sad and sick the game had replaced reality for those people and im sure they are not alone.

 

Im still on the fence about sl I guess like you say its all in how one uses it but it usually seems to do more harm then good...also people can pay up to 200usd a month for a sim a virtual piece of land..its all crazy and im glad im not into it anymore what a waist of time and money..

[DutchGirl]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

if its a job he needs to get off his ass and get one if he has issues from his past he needs to seek therapy and meds and move on with life.

Ok so he really wants a job, just can't find one (unemployment rate is high here), that's one of the reasons he's depressed. But yeah, he has actually seeked therapy for this and his past etc. and his therapy is starting next month... So part of me is like let's wait till the therapy, maybe, hopefully, that'll help him realise where his life is going and change?

 

Also, I really want to confront him with all he's doing but I just don't know how, since he always has a story to tell and never admits to anything. And of course I love him so much that at the time I always believe him. Until of course later doubts start setting in again... How do I get him to tell me the truth instead of building more lies? How can I seriously confront him about this and make him tell me the truth?

[No Limit]

You wouldn't be talking about "amaretto horses"? would you? they are one of the breedable horses you can have on there breed sell trade them...breedables are a major money drop in sl people can spend hundreds if not thousands of real life cash on crap like that in there..

 

I once knew a couple in sl who made it their entire life like they would sit in separate rooms in their home and talk via sl the level they too it to was sad and sick the game had replaced reality for those people and im sure they are not alone.

 

Im still on the fence about sl I guess like you say its all in how one uses it but it usually seems to do more harm then good...also people can pay up to 200usd a month for a sim a virtual piece of land..its all crazy and im glad im not into it anymore what a waist of time and money..

 

I have no idea, I just saw some screenshots on the internet and they looked pretty good (although most horse games have a crappy design). The name raised my alarm bells though so I researched and seeing how most areas there must be strip clubs and dark areas it's not really interesting for me anyway.

 

No, they're absolutely not alone. Every online player who goes for the top ranking list for example is going to spend a lot of time and money. There's a browser game called Howrse; the guy ranked on #1 in the German version is a businessman in his early 40s investing hundreds and hundreds of € every month in his account. Takes pleasure in 'crashing' the markets of popular horse breeds to destroy his competition. It's scary, really.

 

But before we get called out on spamming the thread; OP, you need to get away from this guy. It doesn't matter what effort it took him to move to you, whatever future plans he might have had are now completely forgotten and replaced with this game. He needs professional help, but until he gets that nothing will change.

[smackie9]

When I asked him why he even has a "fake" profile he says he likes to get away from real life because it depresses him

 

When you hear this.....this is him giving up on the relationship.

 

This what you do.....end it and move out.

[LoveToCuddle]

I'm a close friend of dutchgirl.

 

There is one more reason she can't just dump him.

 

He has nothing without her..

No place to live, no family and no money.

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

[Realist3]

I'm a close friend of dutchgirl.

 

There is one more reason she can't just dump him.

 

He has nothing without her..

No place to live, no family and no money.

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

 

He was a loser from the get go. Now he is trying to chase his next victim with nice words.

[No Limit]

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

He is using her. Every day he lives with her and doesn't give a damn. Which will be every day from now on. Look up 'White Knight Syndrome'.

 

As for people having nothing left... that should be a red flag to you. It must have a reason why he has no life except for this game to speak of unless he's a refugee from a warzone and just arrived in the UK a few years ago. If he lost his parents to disease or things like that it is sad and not within his control, but the rest is.

Edited February 19, 2015 by No Limit

[smackie9]

I'm a close friend of dutchgirl.

 

There is one more reason she can't just dump him.

 

He has nothing without her..

No place to live, no family and no money.

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

 

He is a grown man, he needs to take accountability for HIS OWN actions. She is being more cruel by coddling this F*^&tard, and enabling him to keep doing what he is doing. She can give a one month notice for him to conatct his family to pay for his plane ticket home. NO EXCUSES!!

[jazzybones]

Yeah, this is really sad. It actually kind of reminds me of this documentary that's out there about a couple that met through Second Life... they have a kid together... but they're not together as a family and they continue to interact through Second Life, involving the kid in all of this. It's really messed up. I wish I could remember the name of it.

 

If you don't want to be the people in that documentary, you should probably get out of this relationship, ASAP.

 

Edit: Oh found a Youtube video about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMxbnwlZhjI

Edited February 20, 2015 by jazzybones

[Zahara]

I'm a close friend of dutchgirl.

 

There is one more reason she can't just dump him.

 

He has nothing without her..

No place to live, no family and no money.

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

 

What a bunch of baloney.

 

It's one thing if your partner is in a situation where he is struggling with finances and his self-esteem but he treats his other half with loyalty and respect.

 

You have to be an absolute doormat to make excuses for a man that is disrespecting you on a daily basis and then justify accommodating his behavior because he's down on his luck.

 

What's "CRUEL" is treating someone that cares for you badly. Send his behind back to UK and stop enabling his behavior. Someone like him is never going to be motivated to do anything when they have someone else supporting them, unconditionally.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Zahara

[TigerLilly78]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

 

Ok so he really wants a job, just can't find one (unemployment rate is high here), that's one of the reasons he's depressed. But yeah, he has actually seeked therapy for this and his past etc. and his therapy is starting next month... So part of me is like let's wait till the therapy, maybe, hopefully, that'll help him realise where his life is going and change?

 

Also, I really want to confront him with all he's doing but I just don't know how, since he always has a story to tell and never admits to anything. And of course I love him so much that at the time I always believe him. Until of course later doubts start setting in again... How do I get him to tell me the truth instead of building more lies? How can I seriously confront him about this and make him tell me the truth?

 

At this point any job will do! to get him out of the house and away form SL..so you need to push this and not become complacent when he tells you there is nothing out there of course hes going to say that he doesn't want to leave his perfect little virtual world.

 

So moving along I know sl isn't cheap so whose money is he sinking into it yours? dont believe him HES LIEING...if you really love him you will help him break this unhealthy addiction!

 

How do you confront him? you be strong and firm you tell him you are not stupid you know exactly what sl is about remind him of how you two started with in sl and that you KNOW its starting again with a new women.

 

You tell this is not accteable and he rather stops it or you are leaving him if you allow it to continue he will replace you sooner or later in rl as well as sl but surely you realize that right?

 

 

 

I'm a close friend of dutchgirl.

 

There is one more reason she can't just dump him.

 

He has nothing without her..

No place to live, no family and no money.

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

 

There are people in sl who make it a regular to try and carry it over into rl and use people they form relationships with be it friends or romantic sl can create very strong emotional bonds and con men can use that to their advantage that couple I talked about earlier?

 

They use sl to con people into moving into their run down trailer in rl and over charge them "rent" if they dont pay the husband gets abusive they do this with the disabled and people who have no real support systems so believe me sl is ripe with con men im not sying this is what the OPs bf is but its something to consider..

[PegNosePete]

How do I get him to tell me the truth instead of building more lies? How can I seriously confront him about this and make him tell me the truth?

I'm afraid it's not possible to make someone do something they don't want to. You can't mind-control him. But there are ways to convince him to tell the truth.

 

Tell him that you know he is lying to you. Do not believe anything he says. Whatever story he tells, say that you know it's not true and that you have proof of what he's up to. Say you put a keylogger on his PC or something. You're bluffing, but just say you know what he's up to and if he doesn't admit it then you're going to kick him out RIGHT NOW. And stick to your guns. Do not surrender under any circumstances, until you have the truth. If he lies and lies and lies (which he probably will do) then you may need to go ahead with the threat of kicking him out. And good riddance. You don't need a relationship with a liar. If he gives you a small truth (trickle truth) then don't give in, keep going, say you know there's more. Eventually if you have the balls, you will peel away the layers (or he will leave).

 

So it would be really ''cruel'' to dump him. Wich means he probably has to move out/ back to the UK.

 

Just hope he isn't using her just to have a better life.

 

If so I will kick his ass myself.

Better get those boots on then. This guy is playing your friend for a complete fool, and by the looks of it, you too.

 

He is cheating on her, having multiple online affairs, and you're saying it would be cruel to kick him out?

 

You need to start looking out for your friend a little better. Friends don't let friends get taken advantage of, disrespected hugely, cheated on, and used! Be a friend, and look after your friend.

[LoveToCuddle]

I'm afraid it's not possible to make someone do something they don't want to. You can't mind-control him. But there are ways to convince him to tell the truth.

 

Tell him that you know he is lying to you. Do not believe anything he says. Whatever story he tells, say that you know it's not true and that you have proof of what he's up to. Say you put a keylogger on his PC or something. You're bluffing, but just say you know what he's up to and if he doesn't admit it then you're going to kick him out RIGHT NOW. And stick to your guns. Do not surrender under any circumstances, until you have the truth. If he lies and lies and lies (which he probably will do) then you may need to go ahead with the threat of kicking him out. And good riddance. You don't need a relationship with a liar. If he gives you a small truth (trickle truth) then don't give in, keep going, say you know there's more. Eventually if you have the balls, you will peel away the layers (or he will leave).

 

 

Better get those boots on then. This guy is playing your friend for a complete fool, and by the looks of it, you too.

 

He is cheating on her, having multiple online affairs, and you're saying it would be cruel to kick him out?

 

You need to start looking out for your friend a little better. Friends don't let friends get taken advantage of, disrespected hugely, cheated on, and used! Be a friend, and look after your friend.

 

 

She is a really really good person. She has a great heart. She loves him and wants to help him feel better. Only it took it's turn now. I am telling her she deserves better but I can't just force it up on her. It is her choice. All you can do is just be there for her and tell her she deserves better but she has to realize it herself. Wich is really hard to do because I aswel had a really bad relationship. You just want to believe your boyfriend over everyone. The sweet words over the bad.(Love does make blinde) She is really scared to end up alone and really believes she won't find this kind of special connection ever again.(for the times the relationship did went great)

So therefor is a chance she will end the friendship if I will force it up on her. Wich I believe is not what a real friend should do. I do tell her what I think and I am sure not sugar coating it. So I am here to help her.

 

 

So by this forum/thread she wants to know what others think of the situation because sometimes hearing it from a stranger can do wonders. (At least I hope)

 

 

 

(Sorry if my writing and english itself isn't that great)

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you freaking kidding me?

 

A grown man is living in your home, eating your food, using your electricity to fuel his virtual affairs (and you better believe he is emotionally cheating on you) and lying directly to your face...and you think this represents a loving and caring man? Wake up, girl! He doesn't love you or respect you. He's a man-child. Living in a land of make-believe. He's got some serious emotional immaturity problems and you are paying the price. What is making him tell the truth going to accomplish? You already know what's going on.

 

I would have walked away a long time ago. You deserve someone who cares enough about you to live in reality. This guy doesn't.

[TigerLilly78]

She is really scared to end up alone and really believes she won't find this kind of special connection ever again.(for the times the relationship did went great)

 

 

 

 

(Sorry if my writing and english itself isn't that great)

 

If its bad enough hes making a FB page for his sl character then hes already gotten far to into it for him to stop with out something drastic happening. I think to be honest shes already alone hes checked out emotionally and is just waiting to do so physically when the chance is best.

 

Sl kills relationships if he still had any intrest in his and ops relashionship he wouldn't be on there as much as he is..its a sinking ship OP you need to act sooner then later..and to the friend here I understand what you are saying its hard when a friend doesn't want to really listen to what others can clearly see..like I say I was a long time SL player ive seen this over and over and it never ends well..

[PegNosePete]

So by this forum/thread she wants to know what others think of the situation because sometimes hearing it from a stranger can do wonders. (At least I hope)

Well, tell her to come and read it.

Everyone here has been pretty unanimous.

She needs to get rid of this guy.