smackie9 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 She is kind and good hearted to a fault.....she is being taken advantage of and it's time to turn in that good heartedness for a spine. Yup, forward her the link to this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DutchGirl Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 So everyone, I saw my partner hiding and deleting conversations from this woman again so I confronted him about it this time and told him I was not stupid and I knew he was hiding something (thanks to all your advice). He first had a big anger outburst about me spying on him again, but I stayed calm and let him rage a bit and then asked if we could have a normal calm conversation and then we did. He explained to me that yes, he did feel a deep connection with this woman, and they would sometimes cuddle together and talk about their problems and everything. And they would say "I love you" to each other and things like that, but it is just meant as really good friends, not as a lover or anything. He was afraid I would not understand this. There's been times in the past when I've seen something like this and got really jealous and freaked out about it, and he was afraid this would happen again. He said he didn't want me to think there was anything going on and hurt my feelings and that's why he would hide these things from me. He said that if it would ever come to a point where he did find himself having real (as in being in love) feelings for a woman on SL, he would stop talking to them, cause he would never want SL to be a risk for our relationship cause it means the world to him. Obviously we talked way longer, but this was pretty much the big story here. I told him I also tell my friends I love them and I also hug them and everything and yes I also have male friends that I have deep conversations with almost every day, and he has no reason to be afraid of my reaction because I get it and I don't have anything against him having close friendships with these women. So he promised from now on he won't be hiding or deleting any conversations anymore and I promised to trust him. So you see it doesn't always have to be actual cheating, it can be a more simpler situation. Some of you have said really harsh things and I get that you might have had bad experiences in the past, but it doesn't always have to be the worst case scenario. I'm very relieved and happy to have finally talked this out, it is a weight off my back and now we can move on with our relationship without him feeling the need to be secretive and me feeling the need to play detective on him. Thanks for your advice guys I won't be reading any more replies because well there have been a lot haha, but the situation is now resolved so there's no need anymore! I know some of you may still think I shouldn't believe him and be negative about this outcome, but it's my call and I don't doubt he is telling the truth. Just wanted you all to know how it ended! Link to post Share on other sites
jazzybones Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Even if you discussed what is or isn't cheating, this guy is living with you, with no job and not really making any contribution. That's an entirely different problem in itself apart from emotional cheating, and it should really concern you. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I won't be reading any more replies because well there have been a lot haha, but the situation is now resolved so there's no need anymore! I know some of you may still think I shouldn't believe him and be negative about this outcome, but it's my call and I don't doubt he is telling the truth. Just wanted you all to know how it ended! Good luck. Maybe a little harder truth than you wanted to hear at the moment. I hope you don't have to go further down this drain than necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) So everyone, I saw my partner hiding and deleting conversations from this woman again so I confronted him about it this time and told him I was not stupid and I knew he was hiding something (thanks to all your advice). He first had a big anger outburst about me spying on him again, but I stayed calm and let him rage a bit and then asked if we could have a normal calm conversation and then we did. He explained to me that yes, he did feel a deep connection with this woman, and they would sometimes cuddle together and talk about their problems and everything. And they would say "I love you" to each other and things like that, but it is just meant as really good friends, not as a lover or anything. He was afraid I would not understand this. There's been times in the past when I've seen something like this and got really jealous and freaked out about it, and he was afraid this would happen again. He said he didn't want me to think there was anything going on and hurt my feelings and that's why he would hide these things from me. He said that if it would ever come to a point where he did find himself having real (as in being in love) feelings for a woman on SL, he would stop talking to them, cause he would never want SL to be a risk for our relationship cause it means the world to him. Obviously we talked way longer, but this was pretty much the big story here. I told him I also tell my friends I love them and I also hug them and everything and yes I also have male friends that I have deep conversations with almost every day, and he has no reason to be afraid of my reaction because I get it and I don't have anything against him having close friendships with these women. So he promised from now on he won't be hiding or deleting any conversations anymore and I promised to trust him. So you see it doesn't always have to be actual cheating, it can be a more simpler situation. Some of you have said really harsh things and I get that you might have had bad experiences in the past, but it doesn't always have to be the worst case scenario. I'm very relieved and happy to have finally talked this out, it is a weight off my back and now we can move on with our relationship without him feeling the need to be secretive and me feeling the need to play detective on him. Thanks for your advice guys I won't be reading any more replies because well there have been a lot haha, but the situation is now resolved so there's no need anymore! I know some of you may still think I shouldn't believe him and be negative about this outcome, but it's my call and I don't doubt he is telling the truth. Just wanted you all to know how it ended! Yeah ok see you in a few month's when he leaves you for her in the mean time make sure to keep paying that internet bill and his food wouldn't want to make it uncomfortable for him in the process of cheating on you and lining another women up. Im sorry but your acting a fool for this man who is manipulating you to a tee its not that "some of us have just had bad experiences" its we have seen this exact situation play over and over again with sl being the main trigger to relashionship meltdowns. But hey your love is special and magical and the fact your supposed bf cyber bangs and tells another women he "loves her" doesn't mean anything cause well he would never meet her in rl like he did you right? .. I honestly dont know why some people even come here and ask advice when they already have their minds made up to be door mats for losers.. For every conversation he might show you ill bet there will be 10 more he wont he has to give you a bread crumb here and there after all to keep his comfortable home under him why are some women so blind and for lack of better word desperate for a man seams... The word "love" has many meanings your right but I dont "love" my friends the way I "love" my bf that includes cuddeling you are his RL GF he should be cuddling and telling you his problems not using a virtual women as a stand in for YOU if he has issues he cannot talk to you about then there is something wrong and your relashionshop is doomed im sorry if you think this is "harsh" but its the truth.. Edited February 21, 2015 by TigerLilly78 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 He's playing you like a freakin' fiddle. But hey. You're apparently happy and in love. Just glad it's not me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Some people will have to learn the hard way. Denial is difficult to breakthrough. Unfortunately the cycle will repeat itself and soon enough you'll be back questioning and doubting him and your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 [quote=TigerLilly78;6170757 The word "love" has many meanings your right but I don't "love" my friends the way I "love" my bf that includes cuddling you are his RL GF he should be cuddling and telling you his problems not using a virtual women as a stand in for YOU if he has issues he cannot talk to you about then there is something wrong and your relationship is doomed I'm sorry if you think this is "harsh" but its the truth.. I agree with this ^^^^^^ there is a difference in what you call friendship and what he is calling friendship. Your BF is sharing an "intimacy" with another woman, that he should only be sharing with you. He IS emotionally cheating on you. And don't kid yourself, they are having sex in the game. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 So everyone, I saw my partner hiding and deleting conversations from this woman again so I confronted him about it this time and told him I was not stupid and I knew he was hiding something (thanks to all your advice). He first had a big anger outburst about me spying on him again, but I stayed calm and let him rage a bit and then asked if we could have a normal calm conversation and then we did. He explained to me that yes, he did feel a deep connection with this woman, and they would sometimes cuddle together and talk about their problems and everything. And they would say "I love you" to each other and things like that, but it is just meant as really good friends, not as a lover or anything. He was afraid I would not understand this. There's been times in the past when I've seen something like this and got really jealous and freaked out about it, and he was afraid this would happen again. He said he didn't want me to think there was anything going on and hurt my feelings and that's why he would hide these things from me. He said that if it would ever come to a point where he did find himself having real (as in being in love) feelings for a woman on SL, he would stop talking to them, cause he would never want SL to be a risk for our relationship cause it means the world to him. Obviously we talked way longer, but this was pretty much the big story here. I told him I also tell my friends I love them and I also hug them and everything and yes I also have male friends that I have deep conversations with almost every day, and he has no reason to be afraid of my reaction because I get it and I don't have anything against him having close friendships with these women. So he promised from now on he won't be hiding or deleting any conversations anymore and I promised to trust him. So you see it doesn't always have to be actual cheating, it can be a more simpler situation. Some of you have said really harsh things and I get that you might have had bad experiences in the past, but it doesn't always have to be the worst case scenario. I'm very relieved and happy to have finally talked this out, it is a weight off my back and now we can move on with our relationship without him feeling the need to be secretive and me feeling the need to play detective on him. Thanks for your advice guys I won't be reading any more replies because well there have been a lot haha, but the situation is now resolved so there's no need anymore! I know some of you may still think I shouldn't believe him and be negative about this outcome, but it's my call and I don't doubt he is telling the truth. Just wanted you all to know how it ended! He saw what it came to and he lied to you. Told you a bit to make it look like he is coming clean and to calm you down. He did not tell you the whole truth and missed the worst parts. He knew that truth will get him kicked out of the house. That is why he deleted the messages, if there was nothing more to hide he would hide nothing. And now he is happily continuing to play his game and live off of you. Congrats, a really great guy you got there. If he loved you and cared for you he would not put you through any anxiety. He would stop playing his game. He would look for job instead. He does not care for you, and he is a man-child. Sorry, but with your naïve thinking and his manipulation, you are a perfect woman for his in this moment of his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I don't doubt he is telling the truth. Just wanted you all to know how it ended! I am sure it has not ended yet. Good luck! We'll be waiting here to help you pick up the pieces in a few months when you come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DutchGirl Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Hey everyone! I figured I owed you all the ending of this story. Basically, you were all right.. Few weeks ago I finally found proof that he had been having online affairs and we had a big fight about it. Eventually we decided to give it another chance, he was going to block her on everything, which he did, and he was going to try to gain my trust back and let me see that I could trust him. Basically, I was giving him a second chance and I made it very clear to him that if I ever caught him cheating online again, I WOULD end it this time. Few days ago he fell asleep behind his computer drunk (he doesn't wake up easily when drunk) and I glanced at his computer and the kind of conversation he was having with this woman seemed very suspicious, they were talking more like lovers than like friends. So I figured this was my chance, and checked all his SecondLife pictures and notes. Found recent pictures of him and this woman with barely any clothes on kissing and ****. And love notes from her to him... I looked at ALL his pictures and the oldest one of him with another woman were from october... Confronted him with all this, he had the nerve to DENY it for like half an hour, tell me there were no pictures, blabla, even though I had seen them. Then I finally got the truth out of him that he had a new relationship and he had been having sex with her on SecondLife. So I told him to pack his bags and be gone the next day. Now he's been gone for a few days and I am extremely relieved I don't have to keep worrying about what he's up to. One thing that really bothers me, is that when I explain to people why I broke up with him, some don't understand. They say but it's just internet, it's not like he was REALLY cheating on you? How do you explain to these people that it IS cheating, it's like explaining that water is wet, it just is... It's so frustrating... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Sorry to hear that Dutch You know we actually hate to be right when it means someone got hurt. They say but it's just internet, it's not like he was REALLY cheating on you? How do you explain to these people that it IS cheating, it's like explaining that water is wet, it just is... It's so frustrating... Ask them how they would feel if their husband/wife were spending all their free time writing sexually explicit love letters or emails to another woman, over a period of many months. And when they discovered it, he lied and lied and lied about it, but after they finally got him to confess, he promised he would stop it. But a few weeks later they catch him at it again. Would they think it's "just ink and paper"? I very much doubt it. Edited March 25, 2015 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin100 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Firstly, after reading your story, I must say how horrible this man's treatment is of you. He sounds like he has no respect for your feelings or even your being. Whether it's virtual cheating, obsession or even addiction he is acting like a monster. Do you really want a partner who whenever you show concern, abuses and mocks you. If he genuinely wanted to make amends and valued the relationship you have together he would delete his account on SL and try doing more joint activities online with you. You could even limit the computer to neccessity only. The extract of your story when he says it's cute implies he is the master in this relationship. It clearly demonstrates how trivial you and your feelings are. If it is straight forward and there are no children or financial ties between you then I would pack up and look for a more kind and caring person to be with., as soon as possible. I know it's easier said than done but your relationship will be just one crisis after another whilst he has this attitude towards you. There are many good people out there looking for like partners.Good luck. Edited March 25, 2015 by benjamin100 CHANGE TITLE Link to post Share on other sites
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