Just found out I'm the third

[neverdonethisbefore]

I just found out my AP has had two previous affairs. I thought we were heading towards a futue together. He said that's what he wants, he told me that he wants us to be together.

 

However, his past track record seems to indicate that this is unlikely. His wife is definitely not going to leave him is she? If she was, she would have done so already. To my mind, if he was going to - he would have done so already.

 

My head knows that I need to leave, my heart is another story altogether.

 

Why do mm do this? Why do they stay in a marriage and have multiple affairs?

 

The only thing to do is to walk away isn't it? I honestly believed him.

 

I am leaving my marriage - my husband and I both deserve better. We both deserve to be happy.

 

I thought it would be with this man.

Edited February 19, 2015 by neverdonethisbefore
edited to add more detail

[norudder]

Have you already talked about divorce with your H? Get yourself a counselor and don't rush that decision. Not saying its not the right thing for you to do, just have your support system and be in the right frame of mind. Midaffair or postbreakup probably isnt the best time for such a life altering evaluation. I ended my marriage and affair with cakeeater mm. World of hurt.

[Lovemesomehim]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Its probably a good idea to get professional help to get through this period in your life.

[Babs22]

Ouch! That does hurt. How long have you been in the affair? I agree with norudder. I wouldn't do anything drastic until you recover from breaking up with AP. I also am in a A with a MM and know how it feels to deal with realizing they won't leave wife. I was a slow learner. I don't believe mine has ever had an A before, I could be wrong, but that definitely would indicate he is a serial cheater. Sorry for the pain this is causing you.

 

Don't leave your husband until after you get over your affair. If you still feel the same way 6 months after you break off A, then maybe you are right about ending it.

[d0nnivain]

My head knows that I need to leave, my heart is another story altogether.

 

 

So listen to your head.

 

 

Get clear of your own marriage & then spend some time figuring out why you were drawn to this unsuitable, unavailable man in the 1st place.

[Clay]

This is the problem with cheating. Lies are the foundation of both relationships. As much as your disappointed to learn this about your affair partner you probably should have already anticipated that they were capable of this behavior hence they cheated with you. If you really want to move on with your life and get better then you have to start changing the way you think. If you continue to lie to people then the good people that are around you will pick up on this and you will attract more people like yourself. The sames goes with being honest. If your honest with people even when it is difficult you will attract other people like that. I would get a divorce and I would be honest to your H about what you have done. Accept the bad choices you made and move on to learn from them.

 

There is no doubt everyone deserves better but if your not willing to give better then you get what you deserve.

 

I wish you the best on your new path in life.

 

Clay

[elaine567]

I just found out my AP has had two previous affairs. I thought we were heading towards a futue together. He said that's what he wants, he told me that he wants us to be together.

 

Its called future faking and is very common in As.

From Baggage Reclaim - Future Faking

As I was thinking about the numerous tales of men and women left feeling confused as to why a Mr or Miss Unavailable Future Faked and told them what they wanted to hear, it occurred to me that all of this chit-chat (read: ‘well intentioned’ bull****) allowed them to dine out on the part of Mr or Miss Available without actually having to truly risk. They could playact at commitment without actually being committed and enjoy all of the trappings that come with expressing these sentiments without actually having to live these sentiments.

In their minds, talking about commitment is as good as making the commitment.

They actually expect to feel committed and for the commitment actions to manifest themselves without their full input

[neverdonethisbefore]

Have you already talked about divorce with your H? Get yourself a counselor and don't rush that decision. Not saying its not the right thing for you to do, just have your support system and be in the right frame of mind. Midaffair or postbreakup probably isnt the best time for such a life altering evaluation. I ended my marriage and affair with cakeeater mm. World of hurt.

 

Thank you for your response. I have been in IC for a couple of months now and that is what has helped me see that leaving is the right thing to do for both my husband and I.

 

i could, of course, tell my husband about my affair however that would just hurt him and it's not the reason for leaving him. I could give you all sorts of details about my marriage but the real crux of it is that we are just going through the motions and have been for almost 10 years.

 

I have been in this affair for 7 months. This man has told me lots of things. Things I believed. Three affairs, that's a serial cheater isn't it? And he says his wife will leave him if she finds out - she won't. If she was going to she would have already.

 

I was such a fool. I believed him. He told me he loved me. It hurts to realise that he didn't and that he lied to me.

 

And yes, I know he's lying to his wife but I am lying to my husband too. That doesn't mean I am not capable of honesty and it doesn't mean I am lying to my AP. I have never lied to him. I expected the same from him.

 

Maybe I am better off without both of these men in my life.

[Clay]

Thank you for your response. I have been in IC for a couple of months now and that is what has helped me see that leaving is the right thing to do for both my husband and I.

 

i could, of course, tell my husband about my affair however that would just hurt him and it's not the reason for leaving him. I could give you all sorts of details about my marriage but the real crux of it is that we are just going through the motions and have been for almost 10 years.

 

I have been in this affair for 7 months. This man has told me lots of things. Things I believed. Three affairs, that's a serial cheater isn't it? And he says his wife will leave him if she finds out - she won't. If she was going to she would have already.

 

I was such a fool. I believed him. He told me he loved me. It hurts to realise that he didn't and that he lied to me.

 

And yes, I know he's lying to his wife but I am lying to my husband too. That doesn't mean I am not capable of honesty and it doesn't mean I am lying to my AP. I have never lied to him. I expected the same from him.

 

Maybe I am better off without both of these men in my life.

 

Sounds like your doomed to follow his path. If you don't figure why you did the horrible things you did and own up to them how will you ever change. Your so caught up in how he lied to you and broke your heart think of just what your are doing to your husband. There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce. Whats wrong is your not really trying to better yourself. Your saying well I don't want to hurt his feelings because I decide what is best for him. How can he make good decisions about his life if your just going to continue to lie to him. How will you ever learn from your mistakes if you never really own them.

 

Sadly most cheaters say the same things your saying now. I am not trying to be harsh I just wished you could see that you could do so much better with your life if you would really work for it.

 

Clay

[neverdonethisbefore]

Sounds like your doomed to follow his path. If you don't figure why you did the horrible things you did and own up to them how will you ever change. Your so caught up in how he lied to you and broke your heart think of just what your are doing to your husband. There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce. Whats wrong is your not really trying to better yourself. Your saying well I don't want to hurt his feelings because I decide what is best for him. How can he make good decisions about his life if your just going to continue to lie to him. How will you ever learn from your mistakes if you never really own them.

 

Sadly most cheaters say the same things your saying now. I am not trying to be harsh I just wished you could see that you could do so much better with your life if you would really work for it.

 

Clay

 

Clay, I will never do this again. The pain is immense. I will never ever do this to myself again.

 

No, i am not deciding what is best for my husband. It would completely muddy the waters and give him the idea that if it weren't for the affair we would still be together when in fact we wouln't. it would cause him pain he just does not need to have - not at this point.

 

My mistakes were not to leave my marriage first, that's my biggest one. My other mistake was to trust and believe someone who said they loved me.

[Clay]

Clay, I will never do this again. The pain is immense. I will never ever do this to myself again.

 

No, i am not deciding what is best for my husband. It would completely muddy the waters and give him the idea that if it weren't for the affair we would still be together when in fact we wouln't. it would cause him pain he just does not need to have - not at this point.

 

My mistakes were not to leave my marriage first, that's my biggest one. My other mistake was to trust and believe someone who said they loved me.

 

The first thing I would like to say is good for you for seeing what a horrible situation this is and it really sounds like you are wanting to change your life.

 

I know how hard it would be to deal with him once he knew but I really do encourage you to tell him. If he ever found out on his own after the divorce he would never truly have closure. You can help him with that. I am a BS and it still haunts me. She has never once shown a ounce of remorse for what she did to me and our kids. You have the ability now to show compassion and respect him one last time. You can both leave this marriage with your hearts heading in the right direction. It seems you feel bad for what you did this could also help you heal as well.

 

Clay

[norudder]

Thank you for your response. I have been in IC for a couple of months now and that is what has helped me see that leaving is the right thing to do for both my husband and I.

 

i could, of course, tell my husband about my affair however that would just hurt him and it's not the reason for leaving him. I could give you all sorts of details about my marriage but the real crux of it is that we are just going through the motions and have been for almost 10 years.

 

I have been in this affair for 7 months. This man has told me lots of things. Things I believed. Three affairs, that's a serial cheater isn't it? And he says his wife will leave him if she finds out - she won't. If she was going to she would have already.

 

I was such a fool. I believed him. He told me he loved me. It hurts to realise that he didn't and that he lied to me.

 

And yes, I know he's lying to his wife but I am lying to my husband too. That doesn't mean I am not capable of honesty and it doesn't mean I am lying to my AP. I have never lied to him. I expected the same from him.

 

Maybe I am better off without both of these men in my life.

 

Exactly it doesn't matter (I know it feels like it does but it doesn't) if what he said was true or what he felt was real. It does not take away from you knowing what YOU feel.

 

I'm working on focusing less on him and what he said and did or didn't do and taking ownership of the direction of my life not based on others. I was the same way in my M just going along with things I was unhappy about instead of doing something about it. Both A and M were unhealthy and I put myself there. I am going to spend some time alone until I am ok with that and can validate myself.

 

Clay makes good points on doing self reflection. Otherwise D is pointless. I agree with your thought process on not telling if other issues were worth divorcing over on their own. I have no doubt you'll be able to live more courageously in the future.

Edited February 19, 2015 by norudder

[Artie Lang]

i'll be honest with you. i doubt this is truly over.

 

 

i'm glad that you're finally gonna set your husband free from your betrayal- he does deserve better, whatever the reason was for the myriad of excuses you give for cheating on him.

 

 

i noticed that you mention that you never lied to your AP, and feel devastated that he deceived you. but what about the lie you keep from your husband... how do you feel about that? he and this POS'(AP) wife are the ones who are truly being deceived and lied to here- that's the truth.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Artie Lang

[neverdonethisbefore]

i'll be honest with you. i doubt this is truly over.

 

 

i'm glad that you're finally gonna set your husband free from your betrayal- he does deserve better, whatever the reason was for the myriad of excuses you give for cheating on him.

 

 

i noticed that you mention that you never lied to your AP, and feel devastated that he deceived you. but what about the lie you keep from your husband... how do you feel about that? he and this POS'(AP) wife are the ones who are truly being deceived and lied to here- that's the truth.

 

I have no excuses for cheating on him Artie. None. I fell in love but I knew better and i knew I shouldn't have but I did anyway. So no excuses. Other than I am a human being and sometimes we do things we know we shouldn't but we do them anyway.

 

yes. My husband is being lied to and I wish that wasn't the case. As I said, my biggest mistake was to not leave my marriage first. I should have done that.

 

My AP's wife is none of my business. She has chosen to stay with a man who tells me she is aware of his previous affairs. I feel sorry for her, he has lied to her every bit as much as he has lied to me.

[the_artist_1970]

I have no excuses for cheating on him Artie. None. I fell in love but I knew better and i knew I shouldn't have but I did anyway. So no excuses. Other than I am a human being and sometimes we do things we know we shouldn't but we do them anyway.

 

yes. My husband is being lied to and I wish that wasn't the case. As I said, my biggest mistake was to not leave my marriage first. I should have done that.

 

My AP's wife is none of my business. She has chosen to stay with a man who tells me she is aware of his previous affairs. I feel sorry for her, he has lied to her every bit as much as he has lied to me.

 

She is your business as long as you sleep with her husband. You two are sharing a man and personal body fluids. You don't know for sure that anything he is telling you is the truth. MM lie. That's how they get women settle for being the OW.

[Snowflower]

The first thing I would like to say is good for you for seeing what a horrible situation this is and it really sounds like you are wanting to change your life.

 

I know how hard it would be to deal with him once he knew but I really do encourage you to tell him. If he ever found out on his own after the divorce he would never truly have closure. You can help him with that. I am a BS and it still haunts me. She has never once shown a ounce of remorse for what she did to me and our kids. You have the ability now to show compassion and respect him one last time. You can both leave this marriage with your hearts heading in the right direction. It seems you feel bad for what you did this could also help you heal as well.

 

Clay

 

I like this post.

 

OP, it seems like even though you know your marriage is over, you still love and care about your husband. So, please realize that not telling him the truth will hurt him more than telling.

 

Whenever I hear a WS say they can't tell their spouse because it will hurt them, that is the WS trying to protect themselves.

 

If you were to decide to divorce without telling your husband what you had done, he might go to great lengths to save your marriage. He might suggest marriage counseling, a trip away for the two of you, write letters about how much he loves you, etc. How will you feel then? Are you just going to hide behind your lies some more? Or worse, get angry with him for trying so hard?

 

He will likely also blame himself for the divorce, which could hinder him in future relationships and happiness.

 

Like Clay said, give your husband your love and respect one more time and tell him the truth. Yes, it will likely hurt him but he will also be set free and won't try so hard to save the marriage.

 

Good luck and stay away from the cheating MM. He would have cheated on you eventually if you had gotten into an exclusive relationship with him. You dodged a bullet!

[Ruffian1]

"Why do mm do this? Why do they stay in a marriage and have multiple affairs?'

 

Because they can. They can find OW who believe them and are willing to lower their standards to even entertain thoughts of and justify sleeping with a married man. They are manipulators. This one can probably hone in on a "potential" OW.

 

 

Why do MM do this?

 

 

They like cake. Having it and eating it.

 

 

Ask instead: Why are you settling for his cake crumbs?

[anika99]

I think that sometimes when the WS ends the marriage without confessing to the affair it's isn't because the WS wants to spare the BS feelings so much as it is that they don't want the BS to hold the affair or the WS accountable for the demise of the marriage. It's like they want to make sure the BS blames themselves rather than blame the WS or the affair and they definitely don't want the BS to tell anyone else about the cheating. It's more about the WS sparing themselves rather than sparing the BS

[Artie Lang]

the reason i pointed this out is because of the irony in all this. you seem more concerned about being "honest" in your feelings toward this OM- who clearly played you for a fool -yet being honest with your husband is of no consequence to you. notice the f@#$ed-up mindset you are displaying?

 

 

As another poster pointed out, it might be in your best interests to take a break from any relationships at this point.

 

 

i seriously hope things work out, you just gotta get your head straight first.

[JamesM]

It is good that you have found out about this man prior to having married him.

 

As a visitor of a forum for cheaters only (don't ask why and not I am not one), it would horrify you as to the attitude of many towards their APs, their spouses, and how they lie.

 

As a husband who has a doubt about my wife, I would beg of you to tell his wife somehow. Yes, you could move on and let him live his life, but the fact is that she may truthfully have an idea but wonder if there is any truth to it.

 

I recently discovered that my wife has been lying about something to me and continually covered it up and denied it. The betrayal of trust has given me a different attitude about whether someone should tell a BS if they know of his or her spouse's affair.

 

As you have admirably decided, leave your husband AND your AP. You know that there is better for all of you.

 

BUT...sit back and ask yourself if your were the wife of your AP. Would you want to be told or stay in ignorance? Perhaps he has confessed once before and she said she would leave if he did it again. Now she wonders if he did and simply needs a confirmation.

 

Think about future women who this AP will pursue. Can you prevent some other woman from experiencing the pain that you have?

 

I think you can.

[norudder]

It is good that you have found out about this man prior to having married him.

 

As a visitor of a forum for cheaters only (don't ask why and not I am not one), it would horrify you as to the attitude of many towards their APs, their spouses, and how they lie.

 

As a husband who has a doubt about my wife, I would beg of you to tell his wife somehow. Yes, you could move on and let him live his life, but the fact is that she may truthfully have an idea but wonder if there is any truth to it.

 

I recently discovered that my wife has been lying about something to me and continually covered it up and denied it. The betrayal of trust has given me a different attitude about whether someone should tell a BS if they know of his or her spouse's affair.

 

As you have admirably decided, leave your husband AND your AP. You know that there is better for all of you.

 

BUT...sit back and ask yourself if your were the wife of your AP. Would you want to be told or stay in ignorance? Perhaps he has confessed once before and she said she would leave if he did it again. Now she wonders if he did and simply needs a confirmation.

 

Think about future women who this AP will pursue. Can you prevent some other woman from experiencing the pain that you have?

 

I think you can.

 

She should be prepared to tell her H as well in that case or have him be told.

[jellybean89]

You have no idea if his wife is aware of his various affairs. You are going off the word of a known liar, a know cheat and someone who deceived you.

 

So don't throw stones at her. Why would you want to continue this affair? You know that no one woman is enough for him. Heck, for all you know, he is sleeping with another woman right now, besides you and his wife. You have no idea about him...you've known him for 7 months in an affair...you didn't know about the past affairs so I am pretty sure you dont know him at all