norudder Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 After divorce/separation what were some things you did or are doing to be comfortable on your own and discover your new identity? I got married at 19 and now have no sense of self outside of my role in the family unit. I feel like a boring person. I work and am taking online classes and see my kids as much as possible and that's my life. Is there anything necessarily wrong with not wanting to takeup a bunch of new hobbies even though that seems to be the thing to do? Mediation and school were exhausting enough without throwing in dance pottery etc etc. Am I alone in this sentiment? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 No, you're not. Not everyone has the energy to train for the Olympics next to daily life. Travelling alone can be enough to become more interesting (although pretty expensive at times). Beside that, what were you always curious about? Research it a little. What are you good at? You could start from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I'm not divorced, but after my affair, I too felt lost and needed to find myself again. Simple things like listening to music that represents who I am. This may sound silly, but it helped. Bear in mind, I'm a 44 year old female, married 19 years with a 4 year old boy. I found myself when I was home alone blasting loud 80's heavy metal music. I mean Motley Crüe, Judas Priest, Ozzy, Ronnie James Dio, and Van Halen to name a few. Why? Because as a teen girl that's what I loved. Loud heavy metal music. As a listened and rocked I could feel my soul coming to life again. I began riding horses. Why? Because as a little girl I loved horses. I went all the way back to basics. Who was I before I got married, became a wife and mother. Now, I'm contemplating the motorcycle Good luck. Keep searching. You'll get there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Go at your own pace. If you want to do something, go for it. If you want to curl up in a ball for a while, do that. Meet your obligations: work & kids but beyond that care for you in whatever form that takes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ArtIsMyThing Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I just did the one thing i love most - art - i buried my pain in art and i found myself in art - i guess i am saying for you to do what brings you comfort and joy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Just enjoy any newfound downtime you now have. I am finding it very relaxing, suddenly, to be to be alone in my new apartment, have control of the remote, choose music, read all night if I wanted to, choose all the groceries just for what suited me, keeping the place neat just having myself to pick up after, no one to frown at me and no tension in the place brought on by silences, passive/aggression behavior, etc. Eventually you may find there are things you want to do, join or learn, but just do it at your own pace when you are ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I'm a list person. I've got a book with 5 sections focussing on my new life. There's section for me, for kids, for dreams, for finances and inspirational quotes. I had one for me and my husband for reconciliation but since that's not happening, I'm using his empty one for my new life! ha ha. I've been child rearing and family focussed for 23 years so it was SO HARD thinking of only MYSELF?!?! I know very soon I'll have long periods of time childless while exWH has the children. That freaked me out totally BUT THEN..I have little choice in the matter. It's amazing what happens when you put it out there. In the ME section (and I'm feeling so awkward right now just focussing on me!): * reconnecting with old friends * travelling to see them anywhere in the country * who to get help from with the kids * time efficiency: cleaners numbers to call when I'm working FT and still raising the 3 kids left at home * how I want to take care of myself: physiologist, psychologist, dietician (I'm on a weird diet called FODMAP for digestive issues I might just sh** out when the biggest sh** is out of my life!) * how I can integrate humour into my life * music I want to buy. I hadn't bought any CDs for myself in 15 yrs. I bought 5 the other day, so cool! etc. * there will be a list of things I want in a new partner but that's just not a priority atm. I know a helluvalot of things I'm not going to do. Join dating sites (tho no offense to anyone there! Just not my thing). Nor join any courses purely to meet men. I know I need alot of safe company with women for a long while first. I'm planning on having a LOT of fun but no commitment for a long while. Certainly no marriage cards being played again. Plan your dream life. Make up a dream folder. Me and my kids have one each. Your imagination is free and it is the start of everything. Good luck! Lion Heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 * how I want to take care of myself: physiologist, psychologist, dietician (I'm on a weird diet called FODMAP for digestive issues I might just sh** out when the biggest sh** is out of my life!) * how I can integrate humour into my life I think you're already doing a great job of the former with the latter! Thanks everyone for the support/ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
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