Dealing with my mom's guilt trips

[kenji_t]

Hello everyone,

 

To simplify things first, I'm 34, married and I have no kids.

 

My wife and I know each other since my second year of college, which was 12 years ago. I'm was her senior and we ended up dating and marrying after some years.

Since those days we've talked about having kids, and every time we ended up agreeing that we don't want any. We are very happy and we plan to keep living this way.

 

Okay, let's go to the problems now:

 

I'm an only son and my parents (basically my mother, my dad only goes with the flow) always tried to guilt trip me for everything they think I should be doing. That could be where I live, where I work, what I study, who I date, which car I choose, etc, etc etc...

I was always against parents dictating how their kids should live, so I stood up for myself and I fought for what I wanted, not what my mother though what's best.

And momma's boys look very ridiculous to me, like Skinner from The Simpsons.

 

I've never disrespected them in any way, I just didn't let they tell me how I should live.

 

The problem is, my mother is now starting to REALLY piss me off with the idea of having grandchildren. I'm irritated to the point that I am avoiding her phone calls and I don't want to visit her anytime soon (I live 4-5hours away).

I've discussed this with her tons of times: I don't want to have kids, me and my wife don't see ourselves as parents and we are not going to bring an unwanted child to this world. But she keeps pushing it, she says I owe her grandkids and the only reason we are here on this world is to have kids and keep the family going.

 

I can't reason with her, and I feel really bad for having to ignore her phone calls and don't visit just to have some peace.

 

Is there a better way to control this situation? Any advices?

 

Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

Stop discussing it with her. When she brings the subject up, Say you have made your position clear on prior occasions. Then change the subject. If that doesn't work, get up & leave.

[kylle]

And momma's boys look very ridiculous to me, like Skinner from The Simpsons.

 

LOL!!!

 

I can't reason with her, and I feel really bad for having to ignore her phone calls and don't visit just to have some peace.

 

Well man, you said it yourself...you can't reason with her, so just keep ignoring the subject if she mentions it.

 

There's not much you can do, she's not changing, otherwise she would have done it already, as you mentioned you had to fight all your life to get your way. It's sad, but what can we do?

 

Try not to feel guilty, it's not your fault.

[bathtub-row]

I have an only child (a son) and the only reason I care if he has kids or not is because having a family is important to him. He dated a girl for a long time who really didn't want kids. I understand both sides of this argument but I was worried about him being with her for that reason. They broke up about a year ago and he did tell me that her issue with kids was a problem between them.

 

He jokingly told me a few months ago that I hoped I wasn't bothered but he didn't plan to have kids for awhile. It makes no difference to me and I told him so, which he already knew. He knows that I want him to get settled in his career, save money, have fun traveling, live life. And I've told him that kids will completely change his life and having them wasn't something to take on lightly. Fortunately he has listened to me.

 

The reason I say all this to you is to point out that you being an only child makes no difference. You're not obligated to anyone to have kids and your mom has no right to put that on you. If she wanted a guarantee the she'd have grandkids, she should've had more kids, or adopted. It's completely ridiculous to say that having kids is our only purpose in life. So I guess people who can't have them are just screwed, right?

 

I agree with the others here, when she brings it up, tell her you don't want to talk about it. If she persists, end the call.

[mrs rubble]

I'm an only child too. I can relate.

I get pretty sick of hearing "you're all we've got"- I've told them that it was their choice to not have more children and up the stakes of getting what they want out of their offspring, not mine, so lay off!

[kenji_t]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone.

 

I've already been following similar advices and it's working well, the problem is that I feel really really guilty for having to cut connections with my mother because of her behaviour.

 

No, I didn't remove her from my life completely, but my communication with her has been really poor because she is a pain in the hole.

 

How does one deal with so much guilt that our parents inflicts on us? I'm the kind of guy that goes rolling in bed knee-deep in my thoughts and this one is really messing me up to the point that I can't sleep for 2 or 3 days in a week.

 

I also have to say that my mother comes from a very taditional japanese family (my father is italian), which makes things worse.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone.

 

I've already been following similar advice and it's working well, the problem is that I feel really really guilty for having to cut connections with my mother because of her behavior.

 

No, I didn't remove her from my life completely, but my communication with her has been really poor because she is a pain in the hole.

 

How does one deal with so much guilt that our parents inflicts on us? I'm the kind of guy that goes rolling in bed knee-deep in my thoughts and this one is really messing me up to the point that I can't sleep for 2 or 3 days in a week.

 

I also have to say that my mother comes from a very taditional japanese family (my father is italian), which makes things worse.

 

I think you are a very young 34. I don't mean that in a disrespectful sense.

 

When we have children, then and only then, do we fully undertand what our parents went through raising us. You have no awareness of what it means to sacrifice your body, time, energy, wallet for another human being - the way your mother and father did for you to keep you alive, to provide for you on all levels.

 

That alone deserves respect.

 

With that said, your mom has no right to push children on you if you do not want any.

 

Explain to her you love her, you want her in your life, but she has to understand her wants are not your wants and that does not mean she's not important to you.

 

We realize as we raise our own children how difficult it is to raise a person.

 

This deep understanding of being a parent is the element you are missing here.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior at all. I want to express that your feelings are valid, but only through you having children do you fully grasp where your own parents come from.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Now, stop the guilt. Read some books on codependency. You are not responsible for your mom's happiness anymore that she is for yours.

 

You don't have to cut her from your life. You just need to reiterate love, compassion and acceptance of who she is in your life. Your mother. And for who you are in her life. Her son.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[kenji_t]

I think you are a very young 34. I don't mean that in a disrespectful sense.

 

When we have children, then and only then, do we fully undertand what our parents went through raising us. You have no awareness of what it means to sacrifice your body, time, energy, wallet for another human being - the way your mother and father did for you to keep you alive, to provide for you on all levels.

 

That alone deserves respect.

 

With that said, your mom has no right to push children on you if you do not want any.

 

Explain to her you love her, you want her in your life, but she has to understand her wants are not your wants and that does not mean she's not important to you.

 

We realize as we raise our own children how difficult it is to raise a person.

 

This deep understanding of being a parent is the element you are missing here.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior at all. I want to express that your feelings are valid, but only through you having children do you fully grasp where your own parents come from.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Now, stop the guilt. Read some books on codependency. You are not responsible for your mom's happiness anymore that she is for yours.

 

You don't have to cut her from your life. You just need to reiterate love, compassion and acceptance of who she is in your life. Your mother. And for who you are in her life. Her son.

 

While I may not feel what is like to be a parent, I can very well understand and feel compassion for mother's empty nest pain. Otherwise would you really think I would feel THIS bad for having to shorten my communication with her?

 

You say you're not excusing her behaviour but your constant remarks of "until you have a child you will not understand" pretty much make it look so.

 

The way you wrote made it sound like I am an ungrateful son or a teenage boy moaning "boo hoo my mom won't leave me alone". That is not the case, while I appreciate everything she has done for me, it does not enable her to treat me any way she wants.

 

Well, moving on...

 

You told about codependency books, you really think it's The case of codependency? I never thought this way. Do you have any book you recomend?

Edited February 21, 2015 by kenji_t
typos

[Rainbowlove]

While I may not feel what is like to be a parent, I can very well understand and feel compassion for mother's empty nest pain. Otherwise would you really think I would feel THIS bad for having to shorten my communication with her?

 

You say you're not excusing her behaviour but your constant remarks of "until you have a child you will not understand" pretty much make it look so.

 

The way you wrote made it sound like I am an ungrateful son or a teenage boy moaning "boo hoo my mom won't leave me alone". That is not the case, while I appreciate everything she has done for me, it does not enable her to treat me any way she wants.

 

Well, moving on...

 

You told about codependency books, you really think it's The case of codependency? I never thought this way. Do you have any book you recomend?

 

I don't think you can fully understand the mind of a parent until you are one yourself.

 

I am not excusing her behavior, trust me, I'm not.

 

I also did not mean it to be like "boo hoo" for you. We all have those issues in life.

 

I do think there's codependency concerns, but if you haven't already, find a good therapist to help you cope and understand how to handle your mom without "blowing her up".

 

Codependency No More is a good read. Start there.

 

You can't change or control your mom, but you can find ways to communicate and be heard and respected as a person and her son.

 

Good luck to you.

[bathtub-row]

I've heard this kind of thing a lot about Japanese moms. They truly sound awful, if you ask me. Your guilt is serving no purpose so I would drop it if I were you. You're not cutting off your relationship with your mom, she's kind of forcing a reaction out of you. Another alternative would be to let her vent and then change the subject. "Yep, I'm well aware of your thoughts on this, mom. So, what else has been going on?"

[kenji_t]

I do think there's codependency concerns, but if you haven't already, find a good therapist to help you cope and understand how to handle your mom without "blowing her up".

 

If you are talking about what I mentioned on the other topic, I guess you misunderstood. I had to blow my son-mother relation to build an adult-mother relation with her.

 

I guess every man with an overbearing mother should do that, otherwise it will be always the mother dictating how a son should live.

 

By "blowing my relationship" I meant I had to be really strict and set strong boundaries with her, otherwise she would want to show up unnanounced at my house, change the furniture, change the plants, throw away food that she doesn't think is good, take some of my clothes of the closet and throw away because she doesn't think I should wear it (because she doesn't like me wearing black).

 

You see what I meant now? What if I haven't put my foot down just because she is my mother? I would still be this momma's boy, something I never wished to be.

 

Codependency No More is a good read. Start there.

 

You can't change or control your mom, but you can find ways to communicate and be heard and respected as a person and her son.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks for the suggenstion, I will give it a try.

[kenji_t]

I've heard this kind of thing a lot about Japanese moms. They truly sound awful, if you ask me. Your guilt is serving no purpose so I would drop it if I were you. You're not cutting off your relationship with your mom, she's kind of forcing a reaction out of you. Another alternative would be to let her vent and then change the subject. "Yep, I'm well aware of your thoughts on this, mom. So, what else has been going on?"

 

My italian side of the family kind of makes things easier, but italians also tend to raise their kids based on guilt. You know...the "oh you won't have your parents forever, if you make momma sad she will be hurt and sick!" kind of thing...

 

But yes, my mother is terrible to deal in every aspect.

 

All I can do is let her do the talking, I get that...I can't fight, or I will lose.

The main problem is how to deal with the guilt, it makes me feel bad as hell.

[amaysngrace]

Tell her to adopt a baby if she wants another baby in her life so badly.

 

Reassure her that you'll be there to take care of her in her old age if that is your plan but taking care of a baby is not on your agenda.

 

I'm a mom so I appreciate where she's coming from but she is wrong. She gave you life but it's yours to live however you deem fit. What she is doing is manipulative and not motherly at all if you ask me.

 

Moms should want their children to be content. Always. She is making that impossible for you.

[wb1988]

OP my mom is just like that except way worse and I'm only 26! Thankfully my dad is also the 'go with the flow' type. Is your mom a housewife? I think that is the main reason why my mom does it, if she had something to do then I doubt she'd have a finger in everyone's pie.

 

My mom once told me that it was selfish to not have kids, she didn't realize that single statement is what convinced me to never have kids.

 

As others have said you need to start to build a grown man to mom relationship rather than boy-mom. I've told my mom that she has lived her life and needs to let me live mine. I'm barely ok with getting married one day but if I do there is no way I want to have kids. I have an uncle who is only 2 years older than my dad, who lives in a plush bachelor penthouse and replaces his exotic car every 3 years, he is my role model. My mom then blames my dad for making me selfish and spoiled, and says that my uncle is miserable.

 

You have two options, you maintain the great relationship with your mom at the expense of your own life or you live your own life.

 

Maybe you can consider having a vasectomy, then she'll definitely stop nagging you. I'm 26 so they probably wouldn't even give me a consultation but because you're 34 and married they might just do it.

Edited February 23, 2015 by wb1988

[bathtub-row]

My italian side of the family kind of makes things easier, but italians also tend to raise their kids based on guilt. You know...the "oh you won't have your parents forever, if you make momma sad she will be hurt and sick!" kind of thing...

 

But yes, my mother is terrible to deal in every aspect.

 

All I can do is let her do the talking, I get that...I can't fight, or I will lose.

The main problem is how to deal with the guilt, it makes me feel bad as hell.

 

It's your choice as to whether to feel guilty or not. If you've done something to feel guilty about -- broken the law, murdered someone, etc -- then guilt is justified. In your case, it's not. Someone dumping their agenda on you is not your problem so you do not need to feel bad about it. It really is that simple.

[Casa]

Could you buy her a puppy? Or get a puppy and see if she wants to take care of it. I think lots of people replace what's missing that way. Talk to your dad.

 

I too have an overbearing mother and feel guilt about ignoring her calls. But it's her problem not yours. She needs an interest.

[kylle]

I think OP is not here to learn how to deal with his mother per se, but rather her guilt trips that he has no fault of.

 

Is not that easy not to feel guilty, there's not switch to turn it off.

I am currently going through this and I can say...parent's guilt trips make you feel miserable as hell, specially when you're an only son.

 

OP, if you're really feeling that bad, I advice you to go see a therapist, it will help you. You'll learn not to be so affected by guilt trips.

 

Best of luck!

[Diezel]

Buy your mom a puppy.

[Casa]

Yes I said that... No joke it could work.

[hyrule]

I second what everyone else has said in regards with dealing with your mom, and I second what @kylle said about seeing a therapist.

 

Dealing with overbearing mothers can be a real pain, and since you're her only son, you probably went through a lot of guilt trips.

 

The puppy part can also help her, but I wouldn't advice for you to buy one, rather adopt one at your local shelter. There are a lot of loving animals out there waiting for some love.

[Diezel]

Yes I said that... No joke it could work.

 

Yeah, I saw your reply on the second page and immediately realized, I'm not the only genius in this world.

[bathtub-row]

I guess I'm just not one of those people who buys into other people's guilt trips. I have my own sense of right and wrong, I know when I've screwed up and need to change my behavior, and I know when someone is putting their needs onto me. If I know I've done nothing wrong, then everyone else around me can spin on their heads for all I care. It doesn't phaze me.

 

If I had a parent who guilted me about something that was a personal choice, I would react to them in much the same way I used to react to my son when he bugged me about buying something he wanted. I would usually tell him that I didn't have the money at the time. If he bawled and carried on, I would say to him, "So, what you're saying is that you would rather that I spend money that I don't have so that you can have something you want. Is that correct?" He would lower his head shamefully and say no. End of conversation.

 

If I had a parent who guilted me about not having kids, I would say something like, "So, what you're actually saying is that even though I would be miserable with a child and I would detest being tied down, you're saying that you would prefer it that I have kids anyway so that you can get what you want? It makes no difference that I would be miserable for the next 20 years. Is that correct? You care more about what you want for my life than what I want? You'd rather see me miserable?" If the parent didn't shut up after that, then shame on them. Either way, I'd never feel guilty about such an important decision; a decision that would so hugely impact my life.

[kylle]

I guess I'm just not one of those people who buys into other people's guilt trips. I have my own sense of right and wrong, I know when I've screwed up and need to change my behavior, and I know when someone is putting their needs onto me. If I know I've done nothing wrong, then everyone else around me can spin on their heads for all I care. It doesn't phaze me.

 

If I had a parent who guilted me about something that was a personal choice, I would react to them in much the same way I used to react to my son when he bugged me about buying something he wanted. I would usually tell him that I didn't have the money at the time. If he bawled and carried on, I would say to him, "So, what you're saying is that you would rather that I spend money that I don't have so that you can have something you want. Is that correct?" He would lower his head shamefully and say no. End of conversation.

 

If I had a parent who guilted me about not having kids, I would say something like, "So, what you're actually saying is that even though I would be miserable with a child and I would detest being tied down, you're saying that you would prefer it that I have kids anyway so that you can get what you want? It makes no difference that I would be miserable for the next 20 years. Is that correct? You care more about what you want for my life than what I want? You'd rather see me miserable?" If the parent didn't shut up after that, then shame on them. Either way, I'd never feel guilty about such an important decision; a decision that would so hugely impact my life.

 

Your points are very valid and your advice is the best anyone can give, but really, it very very very very complicated dealing with an overbearing mother and her guilt trips...it's not easy not giving a sh*t about comments and stuff.

 

That's why I adviced therapy, OP should give it a try, it's been helping me.

 

I saw my mother (also my father, but he's not the one to give guilt trips) working her ass off all life to give me education and where I'm standing today I should give her all my thanks, because without her help I would be nothing.

 

While I understand it was her obligation to support me, it's hard to disappoint her, even though her disappointment sometimes it's something it can't be helped or decisions I made for my life.

 

I know giving guilt trips is wrong but what can we do? We can't change anyone's behaviours but ours, so we have to learn how to deal with those kinds of things.

 

I wish everyone could be as good as not giving a f*ck for guilt trips as you, the world would be so much better haha

[kenji_t]

About the puppy thing, my mother is not fond of dogs, but she has a cat lol, which btw was adopted at the local shelter, my family was always against buying animals while there are tons of others looking for a home, I agree with that.

 

Anyway, thanks for everyone who shared here, I guess there's nothing more for me to do unless get used to the guilt or find a way to let it go through me.

 

Therapy is a good thing, I went for a few years because I was afraid of opening myself to almost everyone and it helped. I didn't think about it...I will definitely give it a try.

[rester]

Sometimes no matter how hard one asserts their boundaries, another person will choose to not care or ignore those boundaries. Typically it is as simple as not speaking to those people any more. People put up with a lot from their family because they're family. Most people don't like cutting parents out of their lives, no matter how poorly they are treated. And as easy it is for someone to say that guilt trips don't work on them, the fact is that's it's a very difficult thing for many people. It's exhausting to speak to a parent and have them ignore your feelings and boundaries EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION. It gets to a point where having a conversation with them is miserable. You can get angry at them and yell and be a jerk to them, and become aggressive when being calmly assertive no longer works, and maybe they will respect you for a little while after you are forced to go to an extreme like that, but who wants to deal with that all the time?

 

Unfortunately what one has to do is realize that their boundaries will never be respected and learn to deal with that, or learn to deal without the relationship. Therapy can help that.