rester Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I guess I'm just not one of those people who buys into other people's guilt trips. I have my own sense of right and wrong, I know when I've screwed up and need to change my behavior, and I know when someone is putting their needs onto me. If I know I've done nothing wrong, then everyone else around me can spin on their heads for all I care. It doesn't phaze me. If I had a parent who guilted me about something that was a personal choice, I would react to them in much the same way I used to react to my son when he bugged me about buying something he wanted. I would usually tell him that I didn't have the money at the time. If he bawled and carried on, I would say to him, "So, what you're saying is that you would rather that I spend money that I don't have so that you can have something you want. Is that correct?" He would lower his head shamefully and say no. End of conversation. If I had a parent who guilted me about not having kids, I would say something like, "So, what you're actually saying is that even though I would be miserable with a child and I would detest being tied down, you're saying that you would prefer it that I have kids anyway so that you can get what you want? It makes no difference that I would be miserable for the next 20 years. Is that correct? You care more about what you want for my life than what I want? You'd rather see me miserable?" If the parent didn't shut up after that, then shame on them. Either way, I'd never feel guilty about such an important decision; a decision that would so hugely impact my life. This post has great advice for asserting boundaries and this advice certainly works well on children and friends and other people. The thing is, many parents don't shut up after saying things like suggested. They are hurt because THEIR feelings are not considered. So shame on them, and then what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I too have an only child and although I would dearly love grandchildren, I have already processed the notion that it is actually none of my business what she chooses, because it is her life, not mine. As difficult as it is, I think you are going to have to threaten her with NC, and be fully prepared to make good on it, because she will test you! Find other people you can talk to about it rather than answering her calls, visiting, etc. UNTIL she comes to you with a honest genuine apology and commitment to not bring it up again. Otherwise you are going to feel worse and worse about the relationship and it will also begin to chink away the armor of your relationship with your wife. You can't knowingly allow any human being to do that, no matter if that human is your mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 This post has great advice for asserting boundaries and this advice certainly works well on children and friends and other people. The thing is, many parents don't shut up after saying things like suggested. They are hurt because THEIR feelings are not considered. So shame on them, and then what? What then? The relationship changes. Either they have some self-reflection and grow some maturity, or you just have to take care of yourself and cut emotional ties. Giving birth to someone doesn't mean that person owns you, as if they are a human being, but you are not. If its a parent who has a mental illness or brain damage, etc it changes somewhat, with perhaps more patience and tolerance. Even then, you have to protect yourself just like you would any other entity that threatens your livihood. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Ask her will she pay for all the kids costs?! Medical bills, education bills etc. I had a miserable pregnancy and had to defer my studies. I'm still dealing with my passive aggressive mother in law and had to wait MONTHS to see a new therapist. As always she cries to her husband to get her own way. I resent her. Link to post Share on other sites
Casa Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I have no patience for guilt trips. I understand Op. When you get older you learn to ignore.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenji_t Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Things became easier now, thanks for all the advice. I had to threaten my mother with no contact if she didn't stop. And I had to be very rude for her to understand I wasn't kidding. Some parents expects their kids to follow their last order until death. Nope, not how it works for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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