Cinnimon Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 In reading the threads on LS, it seems to me that the OW are often thought to have somehow lured the MM into an affair. So I am wondering, how did your A start? How did you lure your MM in. Here is the way mine started. I received a friend request on FB from an old high school friend. I accepted. I then get a message from him asking how I was, saying I have a beautiful family and it's nice to see me again. I responded saying, thank you, you have a lovely family as well, it's nice to see you are doing well and good to hear from you. Next message from him: So how is your mom and dad, haven't seen them in a while, I remember them from softball, they were always so nice. Me: Thank you for asking, my mom is well but my dad passed years ago, I miss him very much.How are your parents? Him: I'm sorry to hear about your dad. My dad is well but my mom passed away years ago as well. I also miss her very much. Do you ever think............. So that is how it all started,conversation after conversation after conversation. HE not ME made first contact, and while it all started innocently, it DID NOT stay that way. But my point is I DID NOT LURE HIM INTO ANYTHING. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Hi I am a B's ...I don't believe our ow lured my h into anything ...yes she showed interest in him knowing he was married (flirting etc.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 We worked together. I was new, he was friendly, gave helpful advice and Invited me to eat lunch with his group. One day he asked me to go out to lunch. He says that was the day he knew he felt something for me. He started sending texts, he decorated my room for the holidays, gave me Christmas presents. So he basically pursued me for a month. He told me he wanted to kiss me. I was smitten, but told him no way because I was married. That should have been it. We were off for two weeks for Christmas, but I sent him a text a few days later and told him I would go to the movies with him. I held his hand, I gave him an innocent kiss goodbye. We kept texting and when we returned to work, he kissed me and it rocked my world. So he honestly pursued me but then I caved and pursued him right back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Hi I am a B's ...I don't believe our ow lured my h into anything ...yes she showed interest in him knowing he was married (flirting etc...)But It wasw him Who laid the foundation And She took the bait ...he knew exactly what he was getting him Self Into....and what he was doing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Met ex-MM at a support group. He gave me a drive home one day. Before long, he was driving me home every day. Then he started picking me up and driving me home. Then one day he asked if I wanted to go with him on a long drive that he had to take for business. That was the start of EA. For another month he didn't make a move, but one day he admitted that he was very attracted to me. By then I was hooked. We didn't have sex for another week or two because we were both nervous. Then we did and the affair lasted a little over two years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 i will never believe you can lure a grown man or a grown woman into having an affair. the OW in my case did reach out first. they felt attraction almost immediately, as soon as they met and they were flirting and building close friendship for a long time. she wanted him and went after him BUT - he was always free to just say no & keep his distance. he didn't. when that friendship finally turned into something more & they were finally able to admit their feelings for each other - there was no turning back. so even if you did reach out first & chased him around... you didn't lure him in. you can lure in a kid who doesn't know any better but an adult? miss me with that. manipulation is real, moment of weakness... blah, blah but at the end of the day - it is YOUR choice. no one forced you into having an affair, as simple as that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neverdonethisbefore Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 He pursued me. He told me how attractive I was and how hot I am. We texted for months before he did that. We've been friends for years however. We started flirting and it got very hot and heavy after that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) Funny how many people think their spouses were lured. To me it doesn't matter who initiated, the point is you took the bait and nothing stopped you from getting involved. Two grown adults who knew what they were doing. There's usally this stigma of some grand seduction and it's not always like that. Most times it happens because you were in a moment in your life, perhaps a weak point where you gave in and went that route....but to answer your question he pursued me at work. He would see me on the train commuting and we just started chatting....innocently at first but after that initial interaction I was attracted to him and it all went down from there. Edited February 19, 2015 by Chasing_mya 8 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 He pursued me hard, but in the end, does it really matter? I could've pushed him away and didn't, so we're 50/50 at fault. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Choices. He could have told you his penis was made of solid gold. Who cares what he said, how it began? You went willingly. No gun to your head. Were you lured by those questions he asked? No. Both people involved in affairs are to blame. You heard the music and danced with him. Don't blame him. Own your part. Own your choices. You are not responsible for his choices either. He is. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I don't think it's that common that BS's think their WS's were "lured". They lay partial responsibility for the A at the feet of the AP, but few IME paint their spouses as lambs. It's interesting, though: I just had the same interaction with a former friend/GF from High School on FB. She commented how beautiful my family was, we exchanged general updates on our lives. But after a few messages, we wished each well and that was that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I don't believe in being 'lured in." Fish that aren't hungry, don't bite. Did I lure her in or did she lure me in? Long story short: Knew of her for a year very casually. The thought of an affair never once crossed my mind. She joined a group of parents that were always in the same location to pick up their kids from school. Of the 12 or so parents she was the only one outside my neighborhood in this group. My neighborhood is very tight knit, mainly through the kids activities we do through our club; we have all been great friends since our kids were born. After about two months of her joining said group, I said to myself, "I would really like to get to know this woman. But I have no way of crossing that bridge." I wanted to cross it though, and I thought up the idea of discussing FB with the group one day because all of us except for her were FB friends. Sure enough within a matter of hours I get a FB friend request from her. She starts responding to my posts in a quite flirty manner, to the point I have to PM her to tell her not to do that on my wall. She asked me out on our first three dates. That PM has lasted over 5 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Nope, doesn't really matter although to some it seems to matter a lot to place the majority of the blame on the OW. My thread is about how as an OW , you either did or did not lure in a mm. Not about weather his penis was gold or why we stayed in. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Are WS's who initiated the start of an A more prone to have them? I'm not sure but I wouldn't want to be the one testing out that theory. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Nope, doesn't really matter although to some it seems to matter a lot to place the majority of the blame on the OW. My thread is about how as an OW , you either did or did not lure in a mm. Not about weather his penis was gold or why we stayed in. I would think a BS who said their H was lured would be trying to make it easier to accept that their H could cheat. I think OW who buy the whole "lured" thing are trying to escape the fact that they had a choice of whether or not to invade a family and chose to do so. In other words, it's a form of denial. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 I'm not in denial, I did participate in an affair. Did I lure him, no. Did I see it coming, no. Did I realize what was happening at some point, yes. Did I end it right away , no . Did I end it, yes I did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Nope, doesn't really matter although to some it seems to matter a lot to place the majority of the blame on the OW. My thread is about how as an OW , you either did or did not lure in a mm. Not about weather his penis was gold or why we stayed in. Sorry. The gold penis comment was meant to be a joke regarding luring one in. You didn't lure him. He went. He didn't lure you. You went. End of story really. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Actually we knew one another for years and years, fighting the attraction. Finally, a decision was made by both. But... to his ex I will always be 'that who're who stole her husband and ruined her life.' Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) In reading the threads on LS, it seems to me that the OW are often thought to have somehow lured the MM into an affair. So I am wondering, how did your A start? How did you lure your MM in. Here is the way mine started. I received a friend request on FB from an old high school friend. I accepted. I then get a message from him asking how I was, saying I have a beautiful family and it's nice to see me again. I responded saying, thank you, you have a lovely family as well, it's nice to see you are doing well and good to hear from you. Next message from him: So how is your mom and dad, haven't seen them in a while, I remember them from softball, they were always so nice. Me: Thank you for asking, my mom is well but my dad passed years ago, I miss him very much.How are your parents? Him: I'm sorry to hear about your dad. My dad is well but my mom passed away years ago as well. I also miss her very much. Do you ever think............. So that is how it all started,conversation after conversation after conversation. HE not ME made first contact, and while it all started innocently, it DID NOT stay that way. But my point is I DID NOT LURE HIM INTO ANYTHING. That is funny (thanks for sharing) this was VERY similar to what happened to me a few years ago. An old flame (from hs) friend requested and messaged me. We has the usual like you mentioned in your post chitchat. Admittedly I was intrigued, we had been intimate a few times in hs so feelings had been there. After several days of idle chitchat he tells me we have to get together for a beer. My heart halted. I decided then and there to block and delete him from my FB. At this point I had invested over 15 years in my H, this guy a few days so I didn't care what he would think/feel if I deleted/ blocked him. Honestly, it could have VERY easily gone the way it did for you. I would 100% guarantee he would have gone for it if I let it happen. It's also strange that you posting this reminded me this even happened. I totally forgot about it Edited February 19, 2015 by Mal78 forgot to add.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) In reading the threads on LS, it seems to me that the OW are often thought to have somehow lured the MM into an affair. So I am wondering, how did your A start? How did you lure your MM in. Here is the way mine started. I received a friend request on FB from an old high school friend. I accepted. I then get a message from him asking how I was, saying I have a beautiful family and it's nice to see me again. I responded saying, thank you, you have a lovely family as well, it's nice to see you are doing well and good to hear from you. Next message from him: So how is your mom and dad, haven't seen them in a while, I remember them from softball, they were always so nice. Me: Thank you for asking, my mom is well but my dad passed years ago, I miss him very much.How are your parents? Him: I'm sorry to hear about your dad. My dad is well but my mom passed away years ago as well. I also miss her very much. Do you ever think............. So that is how it all started,conversation after conversation after conversation. HE not ME made first contact, and while it all started innocently, it DID NOT stay that way. But my point is I DID NOT LURE HIM INTO ANYTHING. Hmmm...I feel like the MM are often spoken of as more predatory than the OW in my readings of LS. I can't say I've noticed a huge trend to paint the OW as someone who lured the MM into things, if anything, I see it being spoken of as though MM are the ones lying and luring OW into As, future faking and all the rest while they're at it. In any event I didn't lure my exAP, he pursued me. We started as casual acquaintances who met at a networking and fellowship function and exchanged email addresses and IM info (we were in groups for the event, it was a 3 day event and I exchanged such info with everyone in our group). He was one of the people I kept in contact with sporadically, like every few months, until one day we started talking and he turned up the charm, the flirting and basically started speaking to me as a single man interested in me would. I assumed he was single and so I had no reason to refrain and so the A started. He willfully obfuscated his relationship status to "lure" me in if you want to call it that. Edited February 19, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Him and I worked together for 11 years and were professional friends. Both married - me about 8'years longer than him. He started pursuing me heavily out of the blue after 9 years of working together. I really did not see it coming. I tried to fight it and tried to stop it in the beginning, obviously I failed miserably. He did not put a gun to my head, I entered this thing on my own accord. I am fully responsible for my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Online. He approached me. He asked me out for coffee. He kissed me that day. It escalated quickly although no sex for the first month or two... But was still very physical. He comes to me and picks me up when we have our dates. He is the first one to send me messages most days. BUT... It's mutual. We both knew what each other was looking for ...we are both participating. He's just the typical pursuant male. He likes that role. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 He pursued me. I'd checked out of my marriage giving up any hope and going about my life. We were friends and worked together at church, and had innocent fun when together. One day he told me I had beautiful eyes and then he told me he thought I was a beautiful woman and would tell me he would become aroused thinking about me. He told me he was unhappy and had no intimacy with his wife and was just playing house. I thought "He is unhappy too and we have found each other." I never dreamed I'd have an affair, I thought he wanted to pursue a relationship for real. He was my "him" and always will be. I had liked him but never said a word, until he opened his mouth. Stupid me. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't see BS commonly think that OW lure MM in. What I see is they think many OW had low self-esteem/were vulnerable. Not just anyone would have an intimate relationship with a MM. I am not a BS but I too think that many of the OW here at LS were vulnerable at the time their affair started. I might see a thread here or there where the BS discusses how the OW chased her husband, but it is not often. It could be true in those circumstances. Then again MM lie and one big lie they like to tell when caught is how the OW chased them. They were just innocently standing there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 This thread is bugging me because i hate the word lured. It is not like either OW or MM were in a windowless white van out cruising. It bugs me when people talk about stealing a man... you cannot steal a person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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