Sub Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 This thread is bugging me because i hate the word lured. It is not like either OW or MM were in a windowless white van out cruising. It bugs me when people talk about stealing a man... you cannot steal a person. I had the same thought. We're adults, not kids. You could argue, though, that some AP's take advantage of a situation. Take advantage of a weakness, maybe. Not necessarily consciously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 This thread is bugging me because i hate the word lured. It is not like either OW or MM were in a windowless white van out cruising. It bugs me when people talk about stealing a man... you cannot steal a person. same! i hate the term - homewrecker - the most. i just don't buy the story about a happy marriage, perfect couple & loving spouses who got lured in or stolen by someone else... like, what? makes no sense. you can't steal a person and you certainly can't ruin a happy home, as simple as that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Lure - to tempt (a person or animal) to do something or to go somewhere, especially by offering some form of reward Luring is not the same as blaming nor accepting the blame. It seems that from the responses here and on other threads on LS that the person most often doing the active tempting or "luring" is the MM. He is the one doing the pursuing, suggesting drinks, lunches, dinners, suggesting spending time alone, he is the one giving lifts, he is the one giving out the compliments, and he is the one making the moves etc. etc. I have been pursued by married men and have declined their offers, not due to the fact my morals or standards are higher than anyone else, nor due to the fact I wasn't attracted to them. I was mostly, but it was due to the fact I am not really into the thought of sharing someone who is no doubt also sleeping with his wife. YUCK! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Lure - to tempt (a person or animal) to do something or to go somewhere, especially by offering some form of reward Luring is not the same as blaming nor accepting the blame. It seems that from the responses here and on other threads on LS that the person most often doing the active tempting or "luring" is the MM. He is the one doing the pursuing, suggesting drinks, lunches, dinners, suggesting spending time alone, he is the one giving lifts, he is the one giving out the compliments, and he is the one making the moves etc. etc. I have been pursued by married men and have declined their offers, not due to the fact my morals or standards are higher than anyone else, nor due to the fact I wasn't attracted to them. I was mostly, but it was due to the fact I am not really into the thought of sharing someone who is no doubt also sleeping with his wife. YUCK! I don't feel you can lure someone into an affair (in the general sense of the word). It makes it sound like the MM/OW hiked up their pant leg and the other party followed like a zombie. People make choices. I made a choice. And again, you can't steal a person. As I said, I just don't like the word and what it insinuates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Lure - to tempt (a person or animal) to do something or to go somewhere, especially by offering some form of reward Luring is not the same as blaming nor accepting the blame. It seems that from the responses here and on other threads on LS that the person most often doing the active tempting or "luring" is the MM. He is the one doing the pursuing, suggesting drinks, lunches, dinners, suggesting spending time alone, he is the one giving lifts, he is the one giving out the compliments, and he is the one making the moves etc. etc. I have been pursued by married men and have declined their offers, not due to the fact my morals or standards are higher than anyone else, nor due to the fact I wasn't attracted to them. I was mostly, but it was due to the fact I am not really into the thought of sharing someone who is no doubt also sleeping with his wife. YUCK! Hell, my guy had not had sex with his ex wife in twelve years. As evidenced by her own admission. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Hell, my guy had not had sex with his ex wife in twelve years. As evidenced by her own admission. I do not think that is the norm. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't feel you can lure someone into an affair (in the general sense of the word). It makes it sound like the MM/OW hiked up their pant leg and the other party followed like a zombie. People make choices. I made a choice. And again, you can't steal a person. As I said, I just don't like the word and what it insinuates. Everyone makes choices even animals make a choice to accept the bait or not to accept the bait, but that doesn't mean that those that do accept or refuse were not "lured" into making that choice. The reward being offered by MM may be different in different scenarios, it may be pure sex, it may be excitement, it may be money or gifts or going places, it may be future faking. But the MM does tend to dangle the bait and that is what being lured means. The "victim" is tempted by a reward into making a choice, the choice her0e is to enter into an affair. Whilst we were alone at work, a married man just came up to me and kissed me totally unexpectedly. I was shocked, because although he did tend to compliment me a lot looking back on it, I thought that was just his charming personality. He tempted me, and I chose to refuse it, had I accepted, it would have been the start of an affair. Just because I made the choice, doesn't mean he didn't attempt to lure me. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I have yet to see anyone on here get away with saying their spouse was "lured" let alone often. What I have seen is AP told they ain't no little innocent baby in the pain and devestation of the affair. They are morally accountable for choosing to participate in the destructive relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I would for sure say that though my initial affair was pretty mutual xMM did attempt to "lure" or "fish" and get me back in the affair. I did not take the bait. I think that is an acceptable example. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Everyone makes choices even animals make a choice to accept the bait or not to accept the bait, but that doesn't mean that those that do accept or refuse were not "lured" into making that choice. The reward being offered by MM may be different in different scenarios, it may be pure sex, it may be excitement, it may be money or gifts or going places, it may be future faking. But the MM does tend to dangle the bait and that is what being lured means. The "victim" is tempted by a reward into making a choice, the choice her0e is to enter into an affair. Whilst we were alone at work, a married man just came up to me and kissed me totally unexpectedly. I was shocked, because although he did tend to compliment me a lot looking back on it, I thought that was just his charming personality. He tempted me, and I chose to refuse it, had I accepted, it would have been the start of an affair. Just because I made the choice, doesn't mean he didn't attempt to lure me. Look, we all know when someone says lured, it is sinister. It isn't simply offering a dog a treat to get it to go outside. It is luring someone into going someplace where something awful happens. Say what you want, I won't comment again, but I think lured is not the correct word that should be used in regard to this situation based on how people generally use it. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Look, we all know when someone says lured, it is sinister. It isn't simply offering a dog a treat to get it to go outside. It is luring someone into going someplace where something awful happens. Say what you want, I won't comment again, but I think lured is not the correct word that should be used in regard to this situation based on how people generally use it. Meh, i used lure. Gave a clear example. I'd say that is your own issue and hypersensitivity. In my case he was for sure luring/fishing. Wouldnt have made me any less cupable if I had went back to that dark and sinister place. But wouldn't have made what he was doing any less of a luring tactic. I use lure in sinister and none sinister ways. It means what it means like it or not. If you know you didnt lure or seduce or chase or instigate or be the agresser or what have you the AP in who cares if it was different in another story not your own. And don't be so rediculous we don't "all know" lure is sinister. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 As a BS I don't think for one minute that my exH was "lured" away. He worked with his AP and she was vulnerable at the time - problems with fiance, parents getting divorced and he felt sorry for her. KISA syndrome I believe? Add to that the fact that he was getting earache from me at home because he wasn't pulling his weight in the marriage, and I was sick of picking up his lazy slack. I'd told him that things would have to change and he didn't like that, so an affair was just the distraction he needed. After I divorced him, their chickens came home to roost when she got pregnant (now I believe that was engineered by her) and they had to get married. They ended up with a child, a great big mortgage and him the only breadwinner. Now she's picking up after him and obviously hasn't complained as they are still together Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 He worked with his AP and she was vulnerable at the time - problems with fiance, parents getting divorced and he felt sorry for her. KISA syndrome I believe? Add to that the fact that he was getting earache from me at home because he wasn't pulling his weight in the marriage, and I was sick of picking up his lazy slack. I'd told him that things would have to change and he didn't like that, so an affair was just the distraction he needed. That sounds so familiar! I earned more than H, I did more than H around the house, I was the go-to guy for everything and we had had the 'I want you to be a grown-up' discussion more times than I could say. He thought I didn't need him - hell, I had learned not to need him over the past few years . When I needed him to support me due to my depression he just backed away or got irritable with me - it isn't easy or pleasant to deal with someone who is depressed. OW DID need him to support her with her marriage and the death of her grandfather, and made it very clear she saw him as a sort of hero and ideal man. It was the one thing that would have appealed more than anything else. Did she 'lure' him? Nope, it just happened that what she offered was what he wanted. You could just as easily say he lured her as he had what she wanted to - a stable home-life and a nice lifestyle. Right time right place for both of them. No luring. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 "you certainly can't ruin a happy home" Ahh, yes, you can. You are a part of that. Just ask any kid whose family was nuked by an A. And why they hate the AP. And why the AP's always want to keep it a secret from everyone. No, not every MM has a "horrible" marriage and family life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I think it is fair to say that both sides in an affair make the choice to accept the role they are in, and really, no one is "lured" into anything they don't want to do. Both go in eyes wide open, unless the married perosn lies and says they are not married, but that doesn't seem to happen very much. A married person gets involved because they want to, for whatever reason, and they can be many. The "other" gets involved because they want to, and the reasons can be many. One thing to keep in mind is that it all goes both ways. If a married perosn can't be lured into an affair, then neither can they be lured back into a marriage, and if a married person can't be lured into an affair, then neither can the other person. All are adults, all making choices based upon their thoughts and feelings at that particular point in time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Just ask any kid whose family was nuked by an A. Mine was. Best thing that ever happened to the family. I just wish it had happened sooner. And why they hate the AP. I don't. We're very close - closer than I am to either of my biological parents. Similar with my H's kids - they don't hate me. And why the AP's always want to keep it a secret from everyone. Nope, wrong again. We've never hidden the A. Not during the A, and not since. Why? We're not ashamed of our R. No, not every MM has a "horrible" marriage and family life. But many - likely most - do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 There was no "luring" in our case. I spent a long time checking him out and doing my research, and then I approached him directly and asked if was interested, clearly laying out my terms and conditions. It was a very open and transparent discussion, much as you would negotiate any contract. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I would not have accepted that excuse from my husband-she made first contact, but he is a grown man and made the decision on his own- Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 "Nope, wrong again. We've never hidden the A. Not during the A," Well if it was out in the open the whole time it wan not affair, more like an Open Marriage type thing. Totally not the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't think majority of MM have horrible marriages and/or lives misrable in their marriage. I think marriages could be happy yet something is missing an aspect that is not fulfilled. To some, this is who I married and I will fill those voids in productive, honorable and non-hurtful ways such as an avid hobby. To others, they need someone else to fulfil that void. However, it doesn't always end with simply filling a void. It doesn't matter if the A is exposed or not someone *always* gets hurt. I would say "most" MM don't want to leave their marriages, even if they seek out an A. My WH (20 years post d-day) has idle hands. He has an addictive nature. He is compulsive and often obsessive. He is prime candidate (IMO) to cheat instead he has all consuming hobbies. Sure, they are safe, clean and interesting (to him) but they can be VERY much like an A. However I will take it over him "getting his d*ck wet". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 That is funny (thanks for sharing) this was VERY similar to what happened to me a few years ago. An old flame (from hs) friend requested and messaged me. We has the usual like you mentioned in your post chitchat. Admittedly I was intrigued, we had been intimate a few times in hs so feelings had been there. After several days of idle chitchat he tells me we have to get together for a beer. My heart halted. I decided then and there to block and delete him from my FB. At this point I had invested over 15 years in my H, this guy a few days so I didn't care what he would think/feel if I deleted/ blocked him. Honestly, it could have VERY easily gone the way it did for you. I would 100% guarantee he would have gone for it if I let it happen. It's also strange that you posting this reminded me this even happened. I totally forgot about it This same thing happened to me and I deleted and blocked the guy as well as soon as he asked me out. I was like WTH, doesn't he see all the pictures of me and my hubby. It actually made me mad that he would even think I was the kind of woman who would cheat on her husband. It was disrespectful to me and I let him know that. I guess some ppl need more attention that others. I'm good with having good character and integrity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't think majority of MM have horrible marriages and/or lives misrable in their marriage. A majority of WH's say they're in miserable M's. A minority of WH's are actually in miserable M's. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 There was no "luring" in our case. I spent a long time checking him out and doing my research, and then I approached him directly and asked if was interested, clearly laying out my terms and conditions. It was a very open and transparent discussion, much as you would negotiate any contract. Not sure this helps the "not luring" argument. It sounds similar to the way a sports agent would get an athlete to switch allegiances. All business. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 There was no "luring" in our case. I spent a long time checking him out and doing my research, and then I approached him directly and asked if was interested, clearly laying out my terms and conditions. It was a very open and transparent discussion, much as you would negotiate any contract. Seriously? Research? Laying out terms and conditions? It sounds like you were buying a car or a piece of real estate. If that were the case, why not research someone who wasn't married? (honest question) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 A majority of WH's say they're in miserable M's. A minority of WH's are actually in miserable M's. I agree. It *really* depends on who they are talking to Link to post Share on other sites
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