Mal78 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 This same thing happened to me and I deleted and blocked the guy as well as soon as he asked me out. I was like WTH, doesn't he see all the pictures of me and my hubby. It actually made me mad that he would even think I was the kind of woman who would cheat on her husband. It was disrespectful to me and I let him know that. I guess some ppl need more attention that others. I'm good with having good character and integrity. Exactly! Tons of pictures, however I am sure many would go for it regardless of the "story you are telling". When he asked about going for beer my first thoughts were, he only invited me. He knew my husband and didn't suggest he was invited too. RED FLAG! I'm good thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Seriously? Research? Laying out terms and conditions? It sounds like you were buying a car or a piece of real estate. If that were the case, why not research someone who wasn't married? (honest question) I find it fascinating. But it was obviously a match since he did not think it strange and accepted it. As for me, I can't really imagine a man coming up to me, saying he likes me, he has researched me, then present me with terms and conditions of some kind of business proposition to have an affair...I'd be like what in all fcuuks, have you no social skills or are you insane? Well I'd probably laugh and think he was joking but if he persisted and was serious I'd not even know what to say. Maybe I'm a sucker for romance that's why. It does remind me of that book Fifty Shades of Grey where Christian Grey presents the girl in the book with a bunch of contracts and non-disclosure agreements for her to sign should she agree to be with him....while reading that awful book I was like this is so ridiculous, who would ever . So hey, it if works, it works! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I find it fascinating. But it was obviously a match since he did not think it strange and accepted it. As for me, I can't really imagine a man coming up to me, saying he likes me, he has researched me, then present me with terms and conditions of some kind of business proposition to have an affair...I'd be like what in all fcuuks, have you no social skills or are you insane? Well I'd probably laugh and think he was joking but if he persisted and was serious I'd not even know what to say. Maybe I'm a sucker for romance that's why. It does remind me of that book Fifty Shades of Grey where Christian Grey presents the girl in the book with a bunch of contracts and non-disclosure agreements for her to sign should she agree to be with him....while reading that awful book I was like this is so ridiculous, who would ever . So hey, it if works, it works! I couldn't bring myself to read that book, and no way I'm going to see the movie. It strikes me as weird too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I couldn't bring myself to read that book, and no way I'm going to see the movie. It strikes me as weird too. There's another thread about this currently. Yea...you're not missing out! I read parts of it while on winter vacation in January because it was there and literally threw the book away after a while because it was so ridiculous. Badly written, completely nonsensical. But I won't derail the thread further. Just saying that the terms and agreements contract approach to starting relationships reminded me of the book. While reading the book I felt that aspect, among others, was unrealistic and absurd but apparently, it does happen in real life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 A majority of WH's say they're in miserable M's. A minority of WH's are actually in miserable M's. BS like to believe what you post Ow like to believe the other. I dont think there can be a true statistic on this and I don't think anyone can use majority and minority either way. Many many many terrible marriages have infidelity. Many many many happy marriages have them too. Stick to your own and realize that another experience might be different. Don't get in a peeing match on which is actually true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 For my last relationship, I was probably just 19 or 20 and I made the first move, let him knew I was interested and we had a one night stand. Then we didn't talk or see each other for 20 years. I did Google him 10 years ago and he was still married, even more successful in his career. I chose not to contact him then, I had googled him with the intent of contacting him IF he was single. Then we ran into each other at a mutual contact's event. I apologized sincerely and I meant it, if I ever caused him guilt or problems. We chatted, I asked for his email address and sent a bread-and-butter email. His response was not so bread and butter. I answered it, but kept it still very proper. Then he asked me to call him, gave me his cell and the phone calls did me in. It isn't that I took away his free will, but I know I was sexual temptation and fulfillment. I believe he was 99% happy in his marriage, but she brought a lot of discord to the bedroom. He was never mean or hateful about it (when he discussed it with me) he knew what he was getting into before he married her. She would be a great mother, a wonderful helpmate and partner. The only drawback would be rather one dimensional sex. He's been a workaholic since college and he failed to realize how important sexual gratification really was. I do believe the betrayed spouses can push their partner toward an affair. Years ago when I was married, I never cheated on my husband while we were together, but the day after we separated, all three times, I was cheerfully on my way to my divorce plans and my rebound relationship. There had been too many years of wham-bam, too many years of him being lazy in and out of the bedroom, too many years of having to play Mommy and remind him to shower, brush his teeth, change his clothes, too many years where I was the adult in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 "Nope, wrong again. We've never hidden the A. Not during the A," Well if it was out in the open the whole time it wan not affair, more like an Open Marriage type thing. Totally not the same. His xBW didn't know. Everyone else did. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Not sure this helps the "not luring" argument. It sounds similar to the way a sports agent would get an athlete to switch allegiances. All business. Here was no "luring". I simply told him what I wanted, asked if he was interested. He was. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Seriously? Research? Laying out terms and conditions? It sounds like you were buying a car or a piece of real estate. If that were the case, why not research someone who wasn't married? (honest question) Yes, research. I'm fussy about who I get into bed with. And yes - terms and conditions are important when beginning a relationship. All too often men assume that if you're sleeping with them, they "own" you. I wasn't interested in anything that would cramp my style in any way, and nor was I interested in being someone's afterthought or "side piece". I needed to establish that he was cool with what the proposition was, and that he understood clearly where I stood on certain matters. And it worked. Too often you read stories on here of OW who land up accepting crumbs, or finding out too late that what they wanted was not the same as what the MM wanted. I needed to be sure at the outset that we were both on the same page before pursuing anything. And, just like a "car or a piece of real estate", why settle for something you don't want? I was interested in *him*, I wasn't shopping for "a man" and anything with certain criteria would be considered. That might work for some people, but I'm not one of those. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 That is funny (thanks for sharing) this was VERY similar to what happened to me a few years ago. An old flame (from hs) friend requested and messaged me. We has the usual like you mentioned in your post chitchat. Admittedly I was intrigued, we had been intimate a few times in hs so feelings had been there. After several days of idle chitchat he tells me we have to get together for a beer. My heart halted. I decided then and there to block and delete him from my FB. At this point I had invested over 15 years in my H, this guy a few days so I didn't care what he would think/feel if I deleted/ blocked him. Honestly, it could have VERY easily gone the way it did for you. I would 100% guarantee he would have gone for it if I let it happen. It's also strange that you posting this reminded me this even happened. I totally forgot about it This is such a simple example of a boundary, yet it's powerful because so many of us (here on LS anyway) fail this test. OP, sorry you cannot blame your MM because he made the first move. Sounds like you rolled over pretty easily. Not being judgmental because I was "lured" (haha) into an A myself. How Mal78 and theartist handled nearly identical situations didn't require courage or great heroics. It's what a normal moral compass would direct you (general) to do. You just say conversation over to your FB "friend." Theartist said something I've often said myself. You shouldn't be flattered when a MM hits on you (regardless of whether he's been a friend forever). It just means he thinks you're the type to cheat. Be insulted and end that friendship fast. An aside to goodyblue and the other armchair linguists: i think the connotation of the term "lure" depends on where you live. We had some high profile luring incidents a couple of suburbs away in the past few years. It was the windowless white van driver trying to pickup young girls as they walked home from school. The "luring incident" was a police term. It was one I never heard until that happened so there may be others who haven't come across "lure" in this context. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Here was no "luring". I simply told him what I wanted, asked if he was interested. He was. I guess it's the terminology being used. "Research", "terms and conditions", likening it to a contract offer....I understand what you're getting at. The way it's presented makes it seem somewhat cold, and very calculated. Which to me are elements of luring a person away from their current situation, be it professional or personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 MM and didn't just jump into an A, it took time. It was t live at first sight, actually I wasn't even attracted to him. It's not like we immediately jumped in to the romantic talk, our beginning conversations were generic, kids, family, movie reviews, other people on FB, the weather, animals , travel and so on and so forth. I think the lines began to blur when a attachment was formed. Things began to take a turn when were unable to chat for one reason or another. That's when the " wow, I really missed you " set in. You missed me? I missed you too. Not saying it was right but that's the way it happened. should I have shut it down? Obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
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