What does her behavior mean or indicate?Truly bizarre

[BlueIris]

I've been dating this woman for many years and we each live in our own place. Our relationship is mainly romantic and based on friendship, but we don't share any material or financial matters. She travels a bit here and there for work and I see her about three/four times a week. Sex and romance is our strong point when work schedules don't take a toll, which can happen in any relationship.

 

So here's the deal: Everything was all peaches and cream leading up to valentine's day, we did a couple of things together and exchanged some gifts, but the next day she went completely "cold" and has since been giving me the silent treatment. She doesn't return calls or texts, and I even think that she has blocked my number. She has done this in the past, deploying hurtful silent treatment tactics for days or weeks without giving me a good explanation. She'll air her grievances afterwards, but most of what she shares does not warrant using such hurtful means. What is going on? She has said in the past that "I don't get her" while on other occasions she elevates me to Mr. Perfect status.

 

I think that she was a bit disappointed that I didn't make any grandiose plans; however, she should just come out and say something as opposed to relegating me to non-existent status? This is a pattern and it's getting worse. She seem poise, affable, and extremely charming from the outside; it's rather obvious that there's something dark brewing on the inside

 

Any thoughts?

 

One can only guess why she’s cut you off. Maybe after many years, she expected a proposal or at least a statement of romantic intentions, and when it didn't happen, she realized it was never going to be more than FWB. Many people do very romantic things and talk about the future on Valentine's Day. Maybe she just realizes you two don't have long-term potential, so she’s moving on. But it’s all speculation.

 

I’d just leave her alone and if she contacts you, tell her it’s over. A relationship built on love, respect and open communication will be much more fulfilling. Maybe both of you can find that with other people. It doesn’t sound as though you are in love with her and want a lifetime relationship anyway.

[Standard-Fare]

I think the big question for YOU, mintcondition, is, would you want to continue with this girl and get more serious if she were able to cut out her bullsh*t?

 

Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that her games are a defense mechanism, a way of putting a wall up to prevent herself from getting hurt.

 

Would you feel comfortable in giving her the assurance that you DO love her, and do see a future with her, so she can finally feel comfortable stopping this nonsense?

 

And yes, I said "love." Do you love her? If your answer to that question isn't an immediate "yes," I say it's time for both of you to shut this down and stop wasting each other's time.

[mintcondition]

I don't get the silent treatment from my MW, but a lot of this sounds familiar. I have spent numerous hours researching trying to figure this woman out.

 

but given the length of time I would suggest you look at something deeper.

 

That's what I've been doing all along, looking for the root cause. I'm a big picture thinker and always remove myself from the equation in order to get an objective view regarding this behavior pattern.

[BlueIris]

That's what I've been doing all along, looking for the root cause. I'm a big picture thinker and always remove myself from the equation in order to get an objective view regarding this behavior pattern.

 

Long ago you decided that she had traits that made YOU decide that you didn’t want a lifetime relationship with her. You’ve also said that they’ve gotten worse and increasingly intolerable. You’ve seen the cracks and don’t like it.

 

I bet she needs a long period of No Contact to heal, reflect, and find her center again, just like after a divorce.

 

I certainly wouldn’t ever have sex again with her. If she contacts you, as her friend, explain your concerns about her personality and mental health issues, the dysphoria, the immaturity of withdrawing, the possible mental health problems you think she has. Maybe she’ll go get counseling. But be honest about what you’ve objectively seen in her, what you’ve perceived and intuited. As friends, you can help each other by being honest.

 

@Standard Fare......I have asked that of her in the past, and she will initially comply; however, after six months or so she will revert back to the her old self.

To top it off, her excuses always revert back to her "busy schedule", which is something I don't buy for a second because I wasn't born yesterday.

 

There probably is a reason why we've remained in the dating realm for so long, or really good friends with benefits, because my perceptive and intuitive nature told me early on that she is high maintenance. I was able to deal with the episodes but I'm getting tired of it now and am moving on. It isn't even worth the "hit it and quit it" anymore since it's beginning to affect our friendship.

 

I’ve never known anyone, man or woman, who wanted to maintain a FWB – just sex, companionship and friendship – for years and years. Most people want to find their match, their “One,” someone to build a loving, caring lifetime relationship with.

 

To be quite honest, this time around, the experience is not as unsettling as I thought it would be. The peace and quiet actually is rather refreshing. I guess that I'm just sick and tired from all the past silent treatments, I'm pretty much indifferent now.

 

Good. You know that you don’t want to deal with her behavior. Be grateful that it’s done and don’t let it start up again.

 

As I said above, as her friend, and IF she asks or tries to start this up again, stay strong, don’t start having sex or do anything that might lead her to believe that you have a lifetime intention.

 

Then be very honest yourself. Compassionately tell her about the mental health and immaturity problems you’ve observed over the years so she can decide whether to get help and maybe have a healthier relationship in the future.

[stillafool]

You should definately start dating other women. If this woman contacts you down the road tell her because of her silence you had no other choice but to assume you two were through. Therefore, you are dating others. Who wants to be with anyone who is this childish. You can find sex, companionship and intimacy elsewhere.

[BlueIris]

You should definately start dating other women. If this woman contacts you down the road tell her because of her silence you had no other choice but to assume you two were through. Therefore, you are dating others. Who wants to be with anyone who is this childish. You can find sex, companionship and intimacy elsewhere.

 

I agree. I think he should tell her that they ARE through, though- not that he assumed they were, because that's too passive, isn't honest about his thoughts and feelings, and it could open up a debate or discussion about what it meant, why she did it, and all of that.

 

OP is fed up with it and should decide it is done and not start up again- no matter what she says or does. She’s gone silent before and he’s started up the relationship afterwards. Don’t do that again!!!

[mintcondition]

You should definately start dating other women. If this woman contacts you down the road tell her because of her silence you had no other choice but to assume you two were through. Therefore, you are dating others. Who wants to be with anyone who is this childish. You can find sex, companionship and intimacy elsewhere.

 

 

Oh, I totally agree and I'm already working that angle. I'm very outgoing and talkative, and meeting women is very easy; I just don't believe in sleeping around with different women just because I can. I just want one partner.

 

From my perception, the predominant theme with here is that it's all about her schedule and what's convenient for her. I've shown ample understanding and consideration when she was too busy, or had other things going on, but God forbid if I need some down time and don't want to go along with her plans she'll say that "you're ruining my day" in some snide remark sort of way. I feel like I'm a small part of her life, like a piece of a puzzle in a mosaic, and she treats other people like that too. The compassion and empathy that she shows seems a bit on the intellectual side as opposed to genuine. In other words, she'll show empathy as a tool to maintain an image, but there's something lacking.

[spanz1]

How do I know? Because she has boasted in the past how she creates "test" to see if someone will pass or fail. She's proud of the fact that if she thinks she has been wronged she then has no qualms about dropping them like a bad habit, as if they never existed. Normal people with empathy do not behave this way, because they rely on transparency and conflict resolution skills. She prides herself on her pseudo cryptic nature and ability to always get what she wants.

 

 

 

Its called "a sh*t test". like she asks, do you think my sister is prettier than me???? and you say....NO. OMG, your sister is ugly compared to you (even though sis is a smoke show).

 

 

You were supposed to do something for valentines. who knows what, book a private jet to take her to a restaurant in NYC or something. If she will not tell you, just be extravagant with taking her out for a while, if she does not come around, maybe dump her. Who need that sort of aggravation for the rest of their life.

[CrystalShine2011]

If this is something that has happened before, do you think it's truly because she wants to elevate the relationship to something more?

[mintcondition]

Spanz1....that's exactly what it was! But her reaction did not make any sense considering how aloof and dismissive she has been in recent months. It was a total setup, or a test if you will.

[sandylee1]

Spanz1....that's exactly what it was! But her reaction did not make any sense considering how aloof and dismissive she has been in recent months. It was a total setup, or a test if you will.

 

Just call her and end it. At this point she's not bringing you any joy and you are capable of finding a better partner. Let her know it's just not working out and you can move forward and date exclusively.

[TexasMan68]

Sounds great if you enjoy a relationship with a shallow and aloof woman. Sometimes a shock to their controlling nature gets them back on track. Dump her hard..tell her you no longer desire to be in the relationship with her and your moving on. No long talks just be to the point and unemotional. You have nothing to lose since you said meeting women is easy for you. See how she responds. If things turn around then great, if not you've taken care of what would be the inevitable long term outcome of the FWB relationship.