My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her.

[buzzbomb96]

I'm looking for some help. My girlfriend and I have been living together for just over a year. Before we got together I got out of a three year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We too loved together. We had shared a credit card and has our names on a car insurance policy. My ex-girlfriend and I mutually broke up.

 

After my new girlfriend moved in, my ex and I had to communicate to get the bills taken care of. I actually was paying off all of the debt we incurred about $2500. My ex would all me every three weeks so the bills could be taken care of. There was no other communication than that.

 

My current girlfriend got out of a long relationship where her ex lied to her and cheated on her. He was actually married when they met and he got divorced when they were together. This has had a profound impact on the way she thinks.

 

My ex called me a few times late while I was with my currrent girlfriend at night because of some issues- a mutual friend was killed in a car accident and she called me 14 times that night to let me know the news. Because I didn't answer she kept calling. My new girlfriend took that as we were still together and I has feelings for the ex. She left me for a couple of days after that happened. My current girlfriend also saw the insurance policy that my ex and I had. We paid for the policy a year in advance, ao I couldn't cancel the policy. I did it anyway to make her happy. That cost me $300.00.

 

The final straw happened tonight when my ex called me again to tell me she was moving. My current girlfriend blew up and left me. My current girlfriend didn't know about the credit card because if she knew she would have given me the same reaction I got tonight. All of my friends know I have no feelings for my ex and the comminucations are at a minimum. My ex even has a new boyfriend. The onky communication we have is by the phone. I told my ex not to call me on my cell and to call me at work so I could avoid the conflict.

 

My current girlfreind has a trust issue obviously, and my stupidity for not telling her what was going on as far as bills was dumb. I was trying to avoid conflict, which I created instead. All of my friends know I am in love with my current girlfriend and I plan to marry her. They also know I have no feelings for my ex. The reason I am paying off the bills and talking to my ex is so I can move on with my life. We have been in a lot of other issurs where she didn't trust me. She always thought I was hitting her friends and sister when in face we were just talking about whatever when we all went out. Her sister knows about this whole ordeal and she has my side as do her friends. They have all expirenced her issues with trust.

 

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this.

[buzzbomb96]

I'm looking for some help. My girlfriend and I have been living together for just over a year. Before we got together I got out of a three year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We too loved together. <-- the last line should say lived together, not loved together.

[latesleeper]

hey buzzbomb96,

 

i have issues with trust too, and obviously your gf has been very hurt in the past. you sound like an understanding and supportive guy--you know that you should have told her about the bills and etc.

i don't have advice per se, but i can tell you what helps me with my trust issues.

 

- complete honesty, even without her asking for answers. offer answers. tell her things before she asks. tell her about conversations you've had, in a casual manner. hopefully she can see you have nothing to hide. be open to any questions.

 

- to be trusted, you have to be trustworthy. it may take time, but if you're serious about your gf and want to help her, show her through your actions, not just words, that you are trustworthy. don't take it too personally when she overreacts at times. she is healing.

 

- appreciate the thought of avoiding conflict, but it may look like hiding something from your gf's point of view. telling the truth won't harm her as much as you not telling the truth.

 

- protect your gf by telling her what she needs to know. she probably needs to know what you are all about before she can trust you. now she probably feels she doesn't know and she can only protect herself at this point.

 

- find out why she needs to know what she needs to know. find out what you can do (your actions) to help her conquer her trust issue with you. have her see a counsellor to see if she work it out, and be there to support her if she needs your help with some of it.

 

that's what i can think of now. hope it helps. good luck!

[Love2share]

You sound just like my XBF before I dumped him. [still communicating with the XGF too much] He claimed it was all innocent and that I was being insecure. But at least you admit that witholding information to avoid conflict was wrong. For this, there is hope!

 

First of all, your XGF is waaaay too much involved with your life. The only communication you have is for bills, so she should only be contacting you during business hours. Insurance policy's only last about six months. So that should be completely over. A $2500 credit card debt is not very much either. If the two of you have an arrangement of how to make payments, and you're both keeping your word, there shouldn't be any reason for her to call you every month.

 

Perhaps, your XGF may feel as though you are her only hope in life. The way she reacted last night to you not answering your phone, as though she has a right to demand your attention and she will go through any means to get it, that proves that she is not over you.

 

In my opinion, you are using these things as an excuse to keep ties with the XGF. Perhaps, you don't love your GF as much has you think. The fact that your annoying XGF would call you, continuously, when you don't answer your phone is a MAJOR problem. IT WAS LATE, YOU WERE WITH YOUR GF for God's sake! She should have been calling her own BF (if she really has one). She could have left a message and let you get back to her. It's okay for you to feel sorry for her and be there to listen. But she MUST respect you, your time, and your GF. Instead, she kept calling you as though you were the only person left on this earth.

 

I would have left you too if I were your GF. If you really love your GF, first, understand that she is angry and needs a little time to calm down. During this time, you need to make some final arrangements for the way you handle business with the XGF. Tell the XGF how WRONG she was for disrespecting you by calling 14 times last night. Remind her that you have a GF and that you, in no way possible, want to ruin that relationship.

 

*DON'T BASH YOUR GF IN FRONT OF YOUR XGF* "You know, by telling her how you want to communicate with her but your GF is too jealous, so you have to keep the communication on the down low." Dont' do that. Instead, you might want to give her your business phone number and advise her not to call your personal phone ever again.

 

Once you've properly handled things with the XGF, then you can apologize to your GF. Be completely honest with her about everything and why you chose to handle things the way you did. Understand that her XBF's actions, as well as your own actions, are the reasons that she has TRUST ISSUES. Respect that. Assure her that your XGF will no longer be a problem between the two of you. Be willing to walk on pins and needles for a while to regain her trust and respect.

[FolderWife]

you you you..... MAN YOU!

 

As soon as things started to get half way serious, you should've told your girlfriend that you had bills with your ex, and an insurance policy, and that your ex calls once a month to take care of the bills.

 

That way, when she MOVED IN, she's already KNOW ALL OF THIS STUFF, and wouldn't have to go through feeling DOUBTS!

 

UGH! All of this could've been avoided if you'd have been straight with her from the beginning, instead of trying to have some...pointless secret.

 

Dagone! I'd be insecure too, if I found out that my husband was paying for his ex girlfriend's insurance

 

TELL HER EVERYTHING NOW! The secrets are what scares the sh*t out of her!

[GirlDown]

if you had just told her about the stupid credit card in the beginning, this wouldn't have happened.

 

i would suspect you as well.

 

 

no offense, but this is how i see it.

 

the whole "i didn't tell you because you would get mad" thing doesn't work, especially when someone's already mad when they find out you didn't tell them something.

 

sorry.