cagedbird Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 So I have been reading a bit here and I am trying to determine my next steps in my marriage. I have been with my husband almost half my life and I am only in my mid to late 30s, we have 2 teen age kids whom I live for. Over the years I have been at the receiving end of horrible emotional abuse, I have been called every name in the book often in front of my children. He has never been emotionally supportive and if I ever complain it is turned on me and I am made to feel bad for complaining. When the children were little he never changed a diaper and even made me take them to daycare until they reached school age while he was laid off. Through all of this I have continued to move forward in my professional life, I have earned 2 degrees and actually I am the sole income provider for my household and have been for over 5 years. When my career started taking off he was laid off and decided that it would be easier to stay home, I agreed as that was easier for me than to push back. . When I am home (remote weeks or weekends) he does nothing, I am responsible for all house chores and meals. This past summer I was hit hard with depression as I was facing the possibility of losing my job, all I got from my spouse was "you better find a job that allows us to continue our lifestyle", what I wanted was an offer to help since our kids are older and do not require the constant care as when they were little. The depression caused me to seek counseling and while I feel a bit stronger I am still hit with sadness at times. I have asked my souse to look for work as I travel 90% of the time and I am ready to get a job that allows me to be home more. He refuses or states he is too good to take a 10/hr job anywhere. I pay for all of his necessities as well as give him a weekly sum for pocket money. Recently he decided to try a business idea and pressured me to give him 10,000 as a show of support. I refused but with additional pressure added from his family I gave in. I want my kids to live in a good home with a loving family but I look at my husband and all I feel is hatred. I have years and years of built up resentment that I am struggling to work through. My therapist asked if I would like him to join our session and my first reaction was "NO!" as he would throw up anything I said against me later. Emotionally I feel dead inside. I am lost. I do want to do the right thing but I also want to be happy. When do you give up on a person? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 The first thing I'd like to mention is that you are free to relieve the relationship at any time. You don't need anybody's permission to do so. If you really want to leave, just go ahead and do it. If you can't decide, work on it in therapy. If you decide to go ahead, speak to a lawyer first about any claim your husband will have on shared property and your own income. From what you say he sounds very much like a 'passenger' rather than a crew member. What do you get out of this relationship, if anything? I would have given up long before now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Given his emotional abuse, name calling, lack of support, seeming lack of ambition, and demands on you financially for support, I think most people would wonder why you didn't leave a long time ago. My honest question would be, what, if any, reason do you have to stay? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedbird Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 From what you say he sounds very much like a 'passenger' rather than a crew member. THIS. He is 100% a passenger. I have read countless articles trying to find ways to get him in the drivers seat. I feel like over the last almost 20 years I have grown and he did not. He still wont make the kids Dr appointments, I have to as per him "what if they ask me questions. " What do I get out of the relationship, honestly nothing but I feel huge amounts of guilt. If I leave him he has nothing, is that fair to him? We own 2 homes so he would have a place to live once the renters leave so I guess he at least has that. I also feel guilt about breaking up my children's family. I struggle with the pull to keep the family status quo and leave once the kids leave and the pull to begin a new separate life now and show my kids that in life you have to make hard choices. I have set up an appointment with a lawyer as I have to know my rights, he will get spousal support I am sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Its sounds like you should have spread your wings along time ago cagedbird. Don't feel bad you are not giving up on a person, your tired of the relationship you are in (I think) which is a 50/50 effort from both of you. It sounds like your husband gave up a long time ago on this, for which I'm very sorry. There are some real legends in this forum that I'm sure will come along and offer advice shortly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 If I leave him he has nothing, is that fair to him? That would leave him with a sum comparable to his contribution. Add me to the chorus asking not "Should you leave", but "Why would you stay". What you're describing is more like supporting a foster child than participating in a marriage... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I'm not one to give up on vows very easily. That said, I no longer allow myself to be anyone's doormat either. If there are dealbreakers happening in this marriage, they need to either be rectified or the deal is broken. I'd suggest you demand marriage counseling and that he's committed to serious progress. If he refuses, his other option is that you make an appointment with your attorney. It's his choice about which call you make. This is your last ditch effort to salvage the marriage. If it doesn't work, you'll know that you did what you could. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I would be careful...With you as the breadwinner and him as the home maker, you will be responsible for his alimony and child support, AKA, you will probably live with your parents. I would consult with a lawyer to see how much of a financial burden it will be before you make any decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedbird Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Yes taking a huge hit financially is a worry. I have started to look for a local job so I can go after custody but I know I'll be required to pay spousal support. As far as MC, I'm afraid as I know I won't open up and if I do I'll be belittled about what I say after the session. Thank you everyone for the input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedbird Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I spoke to a lawyer and I would be required to pay a large monthly sum for several years unless my spouse agreed to a lower amount or nothing, which will never happen. I knew I would have to pay but seeing an actual figure was awful. So for now I have to decide my next steps.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 So for now I have to decide my next steps.......... Are you in the US? Given your travel schedule, would he have full custody? Tough situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedbird Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I am in the US and yes due to the travel he would get full custody, I am trying very hard to find a full time job near home so that shared parenting can occur. I have not been able to find one but I know I will in time. The thought of losing my children due to a work schedule kills me, I work the way I do to provide for my family as I am the only one that will. It is a catch 22. Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Just thinking about you cagedbird hope ur feeling a little better? Are you sure you need to change jobs? Have you discussed your situation with your present employer? I was amazed of the response from my employer, I was dreading what the outcome would be. Working from home, flexitime wasn't a problem with them. It was actually nice to feel wanted again Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I am in the US and yes due to the travel he would get full custody, I am trying very hard to find a full time job near home so that shared parenting can occur. I have not been able to find one but I know I will in time. Cagedbird, I try hard not to judge other people's choices. But how does a 90% travel schedule allow you to participate as a wife or mother in your family unit? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Your H is a very lazy inconsiderate man. I'm sorry you are in this situation. What kind of man just says you need to support our lifestyle instead of getting off his behind. Is the business he started doing any good? Consider getting a bank account in your name only or that of a very trusted family member and build up a getaway fund. So if you were both unemployed, and divorced, what would happen? I don't know how much savings you have, but I personally would consider taking a 'career break' then getting a divorce while you have zero income. Meaning no spousal support. Site your depression as the reason you aren't working, then once your assets have been split and the divorce is through, you start work again. I'm so sorry that you are with this incredibly selfish man. You can't even hope spousal support will stop when he gets remarried, because honestly, nobody would want to marry him. He's got nothing to offer from what you say. I pray and hope you get a better life without him, because he will erode your confidence and self esteem. You are still young enough to build a life without him. Link to post Share on other sites
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