MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Hi. I am just another newbie with the same old story. I am hoping today is the day I can make NC stick after so many attempts at trying. I have been in a EA with my best guy friend for 5 years now. Our friendship has spanned a time over 18 years. Xmm and I have had many periods of NC, with one lasting over a year, in which I was the one who stopped the communication. We have been back and forth. We would talk every day and were super close. At the time, my marriage was a mess. I was basically living as a room mate with my husband. We were sexless and with no emotional connections. I stayed for my children. xMM was a bright light shining in my dark world. I loved him very much and still do. As time went on, I couldnt control my feelings anymore. Hence, the need for periods of NC. I would always come back after months ( some a few weeks) and we would resume our friendship. This time, was different. He finally told me he loved me. He said things and acted like he was in love with me. I believed every word. I was in the process of leaving my M ( not for him) and I wanted to know where I finally stood in his heart and life. When I pressed him for details about his home life, he grew cold and withdrew. He told me that it was none of my business and nothing more would be said. He was cruel and calculating. It was like he went back on everything he had been telling me the past few weeks. He also told me he understood that if I couldn't handle being friends with him, that he was "ok" with it. He added on with the I care about you and your welfare speech. It felt like a slap in the face. I feel like a pathetic loser. Wasting all this time on someone who was either playing games with me or getting a ego boast. I kept coming back for more and I cannot believe I was that stupid! I think that because of this, he thinks I will be back. I don't know what to think or believe. How easily he discarded me- after telling me I'm one of the best things that has ever happen to him. How do I keep NC? How do I move on from this? How do I put this behind me for good? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 You keep NC by being committed to it. Forever. Stop worrying about what he thinks and take back control of your own life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 He sounds like he is playing games. When he feels you pulling away he pulls you back in. My xmm did same to me....I'm no contact 7 weeks and counting. It's hard but it actually gets easier every day. I still go through a range of different emotions, sadness, being lonely, anger, but I just feel them and move on! Go no contact....it's the only way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Thanks for replying. I know all about NC. I made it a whole year with him contacting me every now and again. I ignored every one of them. Some things happen in my life and I just gave into one of them. A year of hard work down the drain for nothing. I cannot seem to get my heart under control with this one. And now, Im back at square one. I feel used and dumber than a rock for falling for it all. Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Just because your story may be "the same old" doesn't mean that it is any less important than all the others. Life can be a rather cruel experience when you put your faith and hope in another human, who then easily discard you or play games forever. While it naturally doesn't make you feel good, I believe that we can often be too harsh on ourselves by going to the extent such as thinking we are pathetic losers or anything equivalent. You are no loser and you need to tell yourself that every day and stick firmly to your commitment of holding NC. We don't really get to experience anything amazing in life if we don't put our trust and hope in others, unfortunately there's just no way of knowing if someone is the right choice. You owe it to yourself to make the most of life and people that in any way hold you back or prevent you from doing that, I would strongly consider not spending much time on. Life is to be savored, so on and so forth. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Just because your story may be "the same old" doesn't mean that it is any less important than all the others. Life can be a rather cruel experience when you put your faith and hope in another human, who then easily discard you or play games forever. While it naturally doesn't make you feel good, I believe that we can often be too harsh on ourselves by going to the extent such as thinking we are pathetic losers or anything equivalent. You are no loser and you need to tell yourself that every day and stick firmly to your commitment of holding NC. We don't really get to experience anything amazing in life if we don't put our trust and hope in others, unfortunately there's just no way of knowing if someone is the right choice. You owe it to yourself to make the most of life and people that in any way hold you back or prevent you from doing that, I would strongly consider not spending much time on. Life is to be savored, so on and so forth. I agree with this 100%. We are all human and sometimes we put our faith in the wrong people. You are not a loser. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I feel your pain. I'm also in a sexless marriage and that's why I was an easy prey to my ex bf married man. You can move on from this. Don't feel like a loser. You and I can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I feel your pain. I'm also in a sexless marriage and that's why I was an easy prey to my ex bf married man. You can move on from this. Don't feel like a loser. You and I can do it! So what do you do in a sexless marriage? Do we leave? Stay and deal with it? I know that sex dies off a bit as people get older. I was easy prey for my xmm also, but he was in a sexless marriage too.... Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 "When I pressed him for details about his home life, he grew cold and withdrew. He told me that it was none of my business and nothing more would be said." Why did you want to know what the details of his home life were? Looks like he wants that subject to be off limits to you. He is protecting his BS and family. I hope you did not leave you H for this guy, thinking he would some how leave his BS for you in the end. If that was in the back of your mind, I can see why you feel the way you do. Otherwise, since this relationships with him seems to "hurt" you and make you feel stupid, you know what to do, stay NC and try to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 How do I keep NC? How do I move on from this? How do I put this behind me for good? I deleted my facebook for 3 years solid. That totally helped. I did not make one until recently, and even then I use totally bogus information. Also, it helped to change my phone number, move, and move even farther than I thought I would ever move. I changed 10 time zones. But even then, it seems the MW is either on my trail or something. I wish I could help. First and foremost, do not escape by keeping yourself busy. Accept it is painful and delete all mediums that remind you of it. Facebook, etc. If you have a journal you should keep it. Don't destroy your thoughts just because you don't like them. File them away for when you're ready to look back on them and figure out who you were now. Deleting emails, etc. it's all so hard. Sometimes breaking it off means we have to be cruel. I don't like this method, but it's efficient, even though it shows the darker side of the human condition 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 So what do you do in a sexless marriage? Do we leave? Stay and deal with it? I know that sex dies off a bit as people get older. I was easy prey for my xmm also, but he was in a sexless marriage too.... Any ideas? Divorce is not an option for me. I can't give details because I realize that this is a public forum. I just pleasure myself and use toys sometimes. My exbfMM is not in a sexless marriage and he's unfortunately very good in bed. You and I are in the same situation. Sexless, room mates, no emotional connection. In my case we have no shared interests. I married him for convenience and even that is no longer the case. I suggest you leave. I found out too late that sex is very important. If you have no intimacy you just fall farther and farther apart. Do you have kids? We don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Divorce is not an option for me. I can't give details because I realize that this is a public forum. I just pleasure myself and use toys sometimes. My exbfMM is not in a sexless marriage and he's unfortunately very good in bed. You and I are in the same situation. Sexless, room mates, no emotional connection. In my case we have no shared interests. I married him for convenience and even that is no longer the case. I suggest you leave. I found out too late that sex is very important. If you have no intimacy you just fall farther and farther apart. Do you have kids? We don't. 3 kids.... And he still wants to work things out but still no sex but at this point I don't want it anyway. It's too late. I've already checked out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I feel your pain. I'm also in a sexless marriage and that's why I was an easy prey to my ex bf married man. You can move on from this. Don't feel like a loser. You and I can do it! Its what I keep telling myself. Ive done this before and I can do this again! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 3 kids.... And he still wants to work things out but still no sex but at this point I don't want it anyway. It's too late. I've already checked out... I have stayed all these years for my children as well. Why imploded their worlds when I could keep it together and just deal with it? Anyways, xMM thinks that we are on LC. He acted like that was "perfect" and could have cared less. Little does he know, I blocked his number tonight. I have set a goal for myself. 30 days. 30 days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I deleted my facebook for 3 years solid. That totally helped. I did not make one until recently, and even then I use totally bogus information. Also, it helped to change my phone number, move, and move even farther than I thought I would ever move. I changed 10 time zones. But even then, it seems the MW is either on my trail or something. I wish I could help. First and foremost, do not escape by keeping yourself busy. Accept it is painful and delete all mediums that remind you of it. Facebook, etc. If you have a journal you should keep it. Don't destroy your thoughts just because you don't like them. File them away for when you're ready to look back on them and figure out who you were now. Deleting emails, etc. it's all so hard. Sometimes breaking it off means we have to be cruel. I don't like this method, but it's efficient, even though it shows the darker side of the human condition Thank you for your kind words. He thinks that we are going to talk every now and again. Little does he know I blocked his number and every way he could contact me. I actually blocked him yesterday, but it killed me to know whether or not he reached out. Its not healthy for me to do this I know. So,after crying again tonight, I re-blocked. Ive come to the conclusion it does not matter whether he meant anything he said. He has made his choice pretty clear. Its not me. I need to move on. It hurts and Im tired of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyselfToBlame92 Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 "When I pressed him for details about his home life, he grew cold and withdrew. He told me that it was none of my business and nothing more would be said." Why did you want to know what the details of his home life were? Looks like he wants that subject to be off limits to you. He is protecting his BS and family. I hope you did not leave you H for this guy, thinking he would some how leave his BS for you in the end. If that was in the back of your mind, I can see why you feel the way you do. Otherwise, since this relationships with him seems to "hurt" you and make you feel stupid, you know what to do, stay NC and try to move on. No, I did not leave my H for this guy. It has been in the works for a long time now. I am leaving for me. And I asked about his home life because he seemed very unhappy. He was never home with them. And normally, when I ask him about something, he just tells me. This time, was very different. I should not be surprised. He is easily letting me go. It does not matter now. Its over. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 3 kids.... And he still wants to work things out but still no sex but at this point I don't want it anyway. It's too late. I've already checked out... and divorce is not an option? Can I ask why no sex? For my H it was due to medical condition. Is it possible that you may have compared your H with your MM? For me that was the case. I kind of accepted my situation until my ex college bf MM came and I experienced how wonderful sex can be. It's hard to go back to reality after that even though I have ended my affair. Maybe there's still hope for you if H is trying. Link to post Share on other sites
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