Looking for answers...

[samsung25120]

OK guys and gals. First time posting here and I need some advice. This is about as messed up as it gets so takethe time to read this and tell me your thoughts.

 

I’m currently married (have been for little over 10 years),have two small children and madly in love with my wife’s close friend. In fact we have been having an affair now fortwo years. Our kids go to the sameschool, play sports together and until recently hung out pretty much all of thetime.

 

The friend is separated from her husband (currently going througha divorce)….he’s a piece of work and she had been wanting to leave now for sometime but finally pulled the trigger last fall. She filed a few weeks ago and they are separated…Makes our “date” mucheasier.

 

Anyway like I said we are in love and want to start a lifetogether. Now before you say “Yeah wellthe grass is greener on the other side until you get there.” It’s not likethat, we are truly meant for each other, she gets me, I get her we areperfect. I’ve never felt so alive.

 

No me and my current wife have been ehh so say the leastover the last few years. We’ve both hadour dibbles in extra marital affairs…no one ever cheated but we came close andboth caught each other before it got to out of hand. I caught her talking and she caught metalking. We went to counseling and soforth and it has been working ok. Neither of us are abusive, we are not mean to each other; we get alonglike friends more than lovers. Hard toexplain but we are not in love.

 

After our episode a few years back we both pretty much lostfaith in each other but decided to stick together and do the best we can forthe kids’ sake. I must mention that herfamily are devote Catholics, we are in a close knit group of catholic familiesand kids and so forth. Before thecounseling when I thought it was over we took the advice of her father and wentand worked through things.

 

So things are OK not bad but ok.

 

So just last week the women I’m having an affair withstarted talking to another guy and was exploring a world without me because shenever thought I’d leave my current wife for her. I kind of always knew this might happen but Iwas not ready for it. I was heartbroken,a mess for a couple of days. I didn’t knowhow I would react to that but I had no idea that it would be like that.

 

So that pretty much made up my mind where I want to be in 5years.

 

Problem is now how to leave my current marriage. I can’t just rip the band aid off and makeknow what’s been going on the last couple of years although that would be thesure fire way to end things. I’ve thoughtabout digging up some bones from the past, just saying I’m not happy or make upan affair that isn’t really happening just to get caught. I don’t mind being the bad guy here in theeyes of the family, friends and everyone else….that’s how much it means to meto be with this woman.

 

So what do you all think? I’m sure there are many questions and I’m prepared to answer….

Edited February 19, 2015 by samsung25120

[Mr. Lucky]

No me and my current wife have been ehh so say the leastover the last few years. We’ve both hadour dibbles in extra marital affairs…no one ever cheated but we came close andboth caught each other before it got to out of hand. I caught her talking and she caught metalking. We went to counseling and soforth and it has been working ok. Neither of us are abusive, we are not mean to each other; we get alonglike friends more than lovers. Hard toexplain but we are not in love.

 

If you were both so uninterested the two of you were looking at alternative hook-ups, why then drop two small children into the middle of this dysfunctional mess ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[tippydog90]

I second Mr. Lucky. Must be something in the water with all these people out there (my ex included) that thinks it is no big deal to just bail out when you have young children (mine was 2).

 

 

Sorry, but in my opinion, when you say for better or worse and THEN bring little ones into the picture, you better have a heck of a good reason for destroying a family. And I just don't see that anymore and I don't see your "reason" as enough to create upheaval in your children's lives. Mine left because he wanted "freedom".....

 

 

While I believe we all have a right to be happy, I am just sick of the way families seem to be so disposable now when one person or another gets a whim and decides they want out. I would suggest you put effort into your marriage since it appears as though you really do not have an overpowering reason to leave your marriage and create chaos for your kids.

[samsung25120]

If you were both so uninterested the two of you were looking at alternative hook-ups, why then drop two small children into the middle of this dysfunctional mess ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Kids were already estabolished before the alternative hook-ups.

[rpal12]

In a similar situation without the other person involved. Things are ok and have been that for a long time. I never felt like I had a good enough reason to move past our relationship. Right before my now six month old daughter was born I really started to feel very trapped in my life and wanting more. I understand where people come from with not wanting to break up a family but I do think children are much better off with two happy parents in a strong and happy relationship, be that with each other or another. I'm still not sure what I am going to do but regardless I want to at the very least be a unified team in raising our daughter.

 

I have been in counselling for several months which has really helped me get a handle on my feelings and figuring out where my current relationship falls short of fulfilling my needs and if my marriage doesn't work I feel I am much more well suited to cultivating a relationship that will. I would recommend looking into that and see if you can make sense of things. I know it's scary with the potential of losing your new person but I do think that these things need to be handled as well as possible and if its truly as special as you say it will work out.

 

Good luck.

[LoveMyCat]

Things have to pretty dire indeed to break up a family. I too agree adults deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of children. While they will adjust, you have to really think what will be best for them. Also, how your wife would react to your wanting a divorce.

 

I don't have kids, so easy for me to say, I know.

But as with the last poster, above, why do you have a new baby, when you say your marriage was already shaky? Was it as "accident"? Just curious if the child was planned.

[samsung25120]

Things have to pretty dire indeed to break up a family. I too agree adults deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of children. While they will adjust, you have to really think what will be best for them. Also, how your wife would react to your wanting a divorce.

 

I don't have kids, so easy for me to say, I know.

But as with the last poster, above, why do you have a new baby, when you say your marriage was already shaky? Was it as "accident"? Just curious if the child was planned.

 

Both children were here before the troubles started to arrise. I'll be honest here it was during the pregnancy of our second when I started to look elsewhere for attention. I ran into an old flame and we started talking. My wife asked me about the texts and of course I played it off. I eventually confessed some time later about the nature of our texts and that was that.

 

Shortly after the baby was born she was flirting and giving attention to a co-worker. At first I don't think it was anything but it turned into a bit more. Eventually I called her out on and it she said she would stop. But she never did. I caught her again talking to this guy a few months later.

 

This happened a 3rd and 4th time the latest eposiode being Sept 2013 aroudn her birthday. That is when we sought out counseling and about when my affair started with the current women I want to be with. We took a short seperation and from the pressure of her family we started counseling. I was ready at that point to call it quits. I mean common, really 4 times being caught talking to the same man and it's nothign? I'm not stupid but she didn;t have the balls to tell me how she really felt. I don't trust her and she's not in love with me. We are not a couple like we once were and we are not a couple like me and this other woman are.

 

At some point we both acknowledged that the only reason why we wanted to try and make it work is because of the kids. Which we have done. Now though I want more.

[KBarletta]

Problem is now how to leave my current marriage. I can’t just rip the band aid off and makeknow what’s been going on the last couple of years although that would be thesure fire way to end things. I’ve thoughtabout digging up some bones from the past, just saying I’m not happy or make upan affair that isn’t really happening just to get caught. I don’t mind being the bad guy here in theeyes of the family, friends and everyone else….that’s how much it means to meto be with this woman.

 

I don't really get the need to "make up" reasons when you already have one. You want to end the marriage because you are in love with someone else, right? Why not be honest about it? Is protecting the other woman or shielding your wife's feelings your motivation? That is moot at this point, because no matter what your reason/explanation, there is going to be serious pain. You need to be honest and forget about protecting people from hurt. You're ending a marriage, not pointing out a bad haircut.

[rpal12]

Things have to pretty dire indeed to break up a family. I too agree adults deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of children. While they will adjust, you have to really think what will be best for them. Also, how your wife would react to your wanting a divorce.

 

I don't have kids, so easy for me to say, I know.

But as with the last poster, above, why do you have a new baby, when you say your marriage was already shaky? Was it as "accident"? Just curious if the child was planned.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from with your questions. The best way I can describe my own situation is that I was on a bit of autopilot. All these changes really affected me and unfortunately led to these questions. I have always been the one to do what I thought was "right" and put the feelings of my wife over my own and Wendy I thought was the next step in my life I guess. It's hdd for me to directly articulate it. I definitely don't regret it since i love her so much but I also feel awful that I didn't take the time earlier to see to my own happiness. That being said I've only been able to describe my own feelings recently and wasn't having these thoughts before they were more buried. Sorry don't mean to hijack.

[samsung25120]

I don't really get the need to "make up" reasons when you already have one. You want to end the marriage because you are in love with someone else, right? Why not be honest about it? Is protecting the other woman or shielding your wife's feelings your motivation? That is moot at this point, because no matter what your reason/explanation, there is going to be serious pain. You need to be honest and forget about protecting people from hurt. You're ending a marriage, not pointing out a bad haircut.

 

The only reason for not doing this is that my wife and this other women are practically best friends now. They go out together, talk all of the time, discuss things....it has been like this for two years now.

 

Not to mention the community in which we are a part of. We would lose practially all of our friends. Again, I'd be willing to do that if that was the only way for us to have a new life together. But I'd rather not....that is a last resort sort of thing. IDK....just wondering if there is any other solution.

 

I understand there will be hurt and pain but it will be a pretty low blow to tell her I've been having an affair with her best friend...one she has confided in (about me), complained to (about me), hung out with almost every weekend (with me) and so on. I mean every weekend in the summer/fall it's been me, my wife, the other woman and her now soon to be X. Ugh.....

[KBarletta]

The only reason for not doing this is that my wife and this other women are practically best friends now. They go out together, talk all of the time, discuss things....it has been like this for two years now.

 

Not to mention the community in which we are a part of. We would lose practially all of our friends. Again, I'd be willing to do that if that was the only way for us to have a new life together. But I'd rather not....that is a last resort sort of thing. IDK....just wondering if there is any other solution.

 

I understand there will be hurt and pain but it will be a pretty low blow to tell her I've been having an affair with her best friend...one she has confided in (about me), complained to (about me), hung out with almost every weekend (with me) and so on. I mean every weekend in the summer/fall it's been me, my wife, the other woman and her now soon to be X. Ugh.....

 

Is your intention to leave and build a new life with the other woman? If that is your plan, then I don't see any way around this problem. Your wife and everyone else who matters is going to find out the truth eventually, unless you enter the witness protection program. It's an even lower blow, in my opinion, to continue being dishonest and letting people find out the truth through third parties, investigating, and/or by accident - which they eventually will.

 

My advice still stands - your best course of action is to be honest. People always find out the truth eventually.

[Mr. Lucky]

The only reason for not doing this is that my wife and this other women are practically best friends now. They go out together, talk all of the time, discuss things....it has been like this for two years now.

 

Don't you have concerns about a future with someone willing to (literally) screw over one of her best friends? This is who you're going to leave your family for ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[coryreply]

Imagine how much better your marriage would be today if you had of spent the last two years working on things with your wife instead of cheating on her. I'm not making that statement to make you feel bad. Really, think about it.

[No Limit]

Please leave your wife and expose her "close friend" to her. She deserves better.

[81West]

The only reason for not doing this is that my wife and this other women are practically best friends now. They go out together, talk all of the time, discuss things....it has been like this for two years now.

 

Not to mention the community in which we are a part of. We would lose practially all of our friends. Again, I'd be willing to do that if that was the only way for us to have a new life together. But I'd rather not....that is a last resort sort of thing. IDK....just wondering if there is any other solution.

 

I understand there will be hurt and pain but it will be a pretty low blow to tell her I've been having an affair with her best friend...one she has confided in (about me), complained to (about me), hung out with almost every weekend (with me) and so on. I mean every weekend in the summer/fall it's been me, my wife, the other woman and her now soon to be X. Ugh.....

 

It's a hell of a situation and it's going to be a hell (literally) of a solution. But if you really believe in what you propose doing - leaving your wife for her close friend - you will all truly be better off in the long run if the two of you own that from the beginning. It will hurt your wife deeply - but not as much and not as long as the psychological restlessness of knowing on some level that you haven't been told the truth. The inability to trust your own perceptions is far more corrosive and enduring than learning you shouldn't have trusted another person. If any part of her will want to fight for her marriage it's deeply unfair for her to be pouring her energies into preparing an offense or a defence against a set of lies and half truths.

 

Beyond that it will be far better for you and the other woman in the long run. Living with integrity will be so much better for you as individuals and for your relationship. Don't underestimate how much continuing to be less than stellar human beings past the point it is strictly necessary will chip away at your self and mutual respect. Yes, you would lose many things initially. You'd lose the high road, respect of others, many friends and other connections to the community. But you get to retain your integrity. Over time, your success as a couple who were willing to face the ramifications of their decisions with courage, fairness and above all continued conviction and dignity will rewrite the way you are seen by others.

 

I know it all seems counterintuitive, but it is about the long view rather than the short term. The path you are on is not for anybody who is not willing to be very courageous and very patient.

[minimariah]

So what do you all think? I’m sure there are many questions and I’m prepared to answer….

 

wait..................

 

.........................................what?

 

why would you want to make up an affair when you're already having one? i mean, this is a CLOSE friend of your wife. meaning, you cannot possibly hide this affair because i doubt your wife is THAT naive. when you & your partner come out together she'll know something was happening during your marriage. so why not just be honest with her? if you don't care about anyone's opinion... then why do you have this need to lie and sugarcoat everything? be honest, straightforward.

 

you say you don't want to rip the band aid off but you're actually thinking about making up an affair so she can catch you & kick you out? well... why don't you just let her catch you in this affair you're already having then?

[minimariah]

I understand there will be hurt and pain but it will be a pretty low blow to tell her I've been having an affair with her best friend...

 

you can't avoid that. when your wife finds out about your relationship - she will dump your OW as her friend for sure. it doesn't even matter if she finds out about the affair (although i'm sure she'll put 2 & 2 together), this is her BEST FRIEND dating her xH? yeah, you'll definitely get backlash. i doubt your soon to be xW will ever approve of your relationship with her best friend, so you can burn that bridge right away.

 

so it's best you get it out of your way sooner rather than later.

[Josmatjes]

Life is too short. Talk to your wife and be honest.

 

If you can be happier elsewhere she can too....

[samsung25120]

Don't you have concerns about a future with someone willing to (literally) screw over one of her best friends? This is who you're going to leave your family for ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

For what's is worth they were not freinds before the affiar started. They becamse friends so that we could all hang out (namely me and the other woman) on the weekends and what not. I know it's crazy but that is what it has become.

 

Imagine how much better your marriage would be today if you had of spent the last two years working on things with your wife instead of cheating on her. I'm not making that statement to make you feel bad. Really, think about it.

 

In understand what you are saying and belive we we have. I'm not going to defend what I'm doing but I have tried to make it work.

 

Look at the end of the day, affiar or no affair, I'm not happy with my wife, I'm just not. I have trugged along here for a few years trying to make it work for the betterment of my family and look where it's gotten me. We are not a real couple, we have nothing in common and we have no real common interests. We went on a "date" last week and during dinner we really struggled to find things to talk about outside kids and what they have going on. She has no real intrest in me as a person. Just the way it is.

 

This other woman has opened my eyes to what a relationship is supposed to be, what it needs to be to make two people happy. Kind of hard to explain but when is enough enough? Is it better to wait for the kids to be older or now when they are young and will grow up in a shared family with two people who acutally love each other?

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it better to wait for the kids to be older or now when they are young and will grow up in a shared family with two people who acutally love each other?

 

If the other option is putting them through the once and future drama of separation and divorce where you've been effing wife's BFF under her nose then yes, it would be better to wait.

 

Or how about this? You go NC with your AP and put the energy back in your marriage you've been draining off on the side. If, having exhausted all avenues over the course of time, reconnection isn't possible you separate in a planned transition that puts your kids first and your needs last. Once your divorce is final, you focus on your financial obligations and co-parenting responsibilities to help your children through the difficult adjustment.

 

Then, in what little time you have left, you worry about your love life...

 

Mr. Lucky