Wife Having Affair?

[Chi townD]

Okay dude. You have to understand that you are coming to a site where there are people that are still hurting from their experiences. And there could be a possibility that what you write or have written may have triggered them. So, they unintentionally lash out at something you might have said.

 

 

Good rule of thumb to follow here. Take the advice that you can apply to your life and ignore the rest. But, on the same side of the coin, sometimes people are going to tell you what you NEED to hear and maybe not what you WANT to hear

[SunnyCanadian]

Okay dude. You have to understand that you are coming to a site where there are people that are still hurting from their experiences. And there could be a possibility that what you write or have written may have triggered them. So, they unintentionally lash out at something you might have said.

 

 

Good rule of thumb to follow here. Take the advice that you can apply to your life and ignore the rest. But, on the same side of the coin, sometimes people are going to tell you what you NEED to hear and maybe not what you WANT to hear

 

Yes, I agree with you something I said may have triggered responses. Anycase, I have simple rules in life. Married men and women should take care in their conversations. And yes looking for some other women while married is a major no no. I will warn them at first hopefully they will heed. If not, they can take a hike. No matter what the relationship.

 

Hopefully, my sentiments can be respected as well. You need a girlfriend, please talk to your wife first. If you don't do it then I will. In front of your entire family.

[Satu]

Goodbye thread

[Spectre]

Ok so I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. Let me say I do agree..the OP does need help, he overreacted very very badly, and owes his wife an apology. I also don't think the wife did anything wrong.

 

However, I can totally understand the OP having a problem with this friend. If his wife has to remind the guy he has a wife...well, that comes off sounding like the type of guy who might not let the fact he has a wife get in the way of him getting with other women. So while it says nothing about your wife, it does give at least a POSSIBLE hint that the friend is potential a scuzball.

 

But you went about confronting this all wrong. I would of immediately just began referring to the fact she had to remind him he was married. Attack HIS character, but not hers. So you make it clear it's him you do not trust. He wasn't making a pass at her this time, but he clearly showed he has it in him to do it. Like I said though, you handled it all wrong. If you'd approached this in the manner I just suggested you probably could of gotten her to just stop talking to him.

[Selfish]

If a couple has problems with communications via social media or elsewise that should be communicated and established long before this, not jumped on an over reacted to.

 

You apologzed to your wife. Now stop defending your behaviour. Nothinf you did was right. Get professional help for your insecurity.

 

Grow up and be man. Apologize to that other guy. Even if you fb message him and then block him as to not recieve a reply. What you did was wrong there too (if he had actually been cheating or trying to cheat with your wife totally different story). You do realize that infidelity isn't the only wrong things a person can do right? Own your actions.

 

Do you cheat on your wife?

 

I ask because you are in a job that has a high precentage of cheaters. It is the nature of it. That combined with your ocer reaction can often be because you habe cheated yourself or you are very tempted to cheat. Then you project your behaviour onto her.

 

Btw, in th example given, and a few messages over 2 years does not look flirty. You yourself admit to jealousy issues. I think we need a better example because there was no flirtation in that. Also, while your wife reminded him many many people look up out of curiousity alone past interests and not with the intention to cheat. That is just a poor excuse for your treatment of this man who did NOTHING to you.

[Spectre]

If a couple has problems with communications via social media or elsewise that should be communicated and established long before this, not jumped on an over reacted to.

 

You apologzed to your wife. Now stop defending your behaviour. Nothinf you did was right. Get professional help for your insecurity.

 

Grow up and be man. Apologize to that other guy. Even if you fb message him and then block him as to not recieve a reply. What you did was wrong there too (if he had actually been cheating or trying to cheat with your wife totally different story). You do realize that infidelity isn't the only wrong things a person can do right? Own your actions.

 

Do you cheat on your wife?

 

I ask because you are in a job that has a high precentage of cheaters. It is the nature of it. That combined with your ocer reaction can often be because you habe cheated yourself or you are very tempted to cheat. Then you project your behaviour onto her.

 

Btw, in th example given, and a few messages over 2 years does not look flirty. You yourself admit to jealousy issues. I think we need a better example because there was no flirtation in that. Also, while your wife reminded him many many people look up out of curiousity alone past interests and not with the intention to cheat. That is just a poor excuse for your treatment of this man who did NOTHING to you.

 

I agree with most of this, but about the wife reminding the guy..see I dunno..why remind the guy he has a wife if she didn't think he had it in him to cheat? I guess that would be my only issue with this, it's vague.

[SunnyCanadian]

I agree with most of this, but about the wife reminding the guy..see I dunno..why remind the guy he has a wife if she didn't think he had it in him to cheat? I guess that would be my only issue with this, it's vague.

 

 

Thank you guys for some solid advice. And no I never cheated on my wife. In fact, I'm a complete introvert that does not drink, go to parties or interact with members of the opposite sex outside of work, and especially on social media. I do this on purpose to avoid any issues.

 

Before I blew up I talked to my wife several times but she brushed it off as an innocent comment and said that I had a dirty mind. Then he asked for whatsup, pictures, texts etc..

 

My wife jokingly put her status on fAcbook as " I'm coming to India next week" to to the delight of her parents, relatives, brothers and sisters.

 

And his reply was "Joanne, when you get here please call. I'm waiting"

 

And then top it all off he called my house posing as her cousin.

 

Then I blew up.

[SunnyCanadian]

And to confuse me further they are calling each other brother and sister.

 

"Brother, I'm giving you this advice"

 

"You're right sis"

[Selfish]

I agree with most of this, but about the wife reminding the guy..see I dunno..why remind the guy he has a wife if she didn't think he had it in him to cheat? I guess that would be my only issue with this, it's vague.

 

More info being added that is far more questionable which raises a lot of flags about the whole thing. But as to the comment. If I had a friend who asked about a past crush I'd say the same thing. As a "just in case reminder"

[Selfish]

Thank you guys for some solid advice. And no I never cheated on my wife. In fact, I'm a complete introvert that does not drink, go to parties or interact with members of the opposite sex outside of work, and especially on social media. I do this on purpose to avoid any issues.

 

Before I blew up I talked to my wife several times but she brushed it off as an innocent comment and said that I had a dirty mind. Then he asked for whatsup, pictures, texts etc..

 

My wife jokingly put her status on fAcbook as " I'm coming to India next week" to to the delight of her parents, relatives, brothers and sisters.

 

And his reply was "Joanne, when you get here please call. I'm waiting"

 

And then top it all off he called my house posing as her cousin.

 

Then I blew up.

It actually isn't healthy to have no interactions with the opposite sex. It is about keeping those interactions on a friendly non intimate level.

 

So, clarify. What exact comment did she brush off about you having a dirty mind. You are being vague and all over the place.

 

Was that last comment about him waiting a translation thing?

 

Bro and sis. Better than honey, sweetheart, sexy. How long have they used this familiarized way of talking?

[truncated]

what you wrote, and your reatction does seem kind of extreme, but it can sometimes be hard to get the gist of a situation from posts on the internet.

 

Is there some reason why you may have jumped to the conclusion that she is cheating? Have you been cheated on in the past, was one of your parents involved in an affair? Is it a situation where you are very introverted and your wife is a real extrovert and what may be innocent banter to her may seem like something more to you?

 

Did I understand correctly that you didn't know her that well when you got married? It can take a long time to get to know someone and trust them, and some people, especialy quiet introverted people, can be slow to build that trust ( I'm like that myself).

 

My best advice to you would be to keep talking with her about why you feel the way you do, and really listen to what she has to say to you. You two have a long married life ahead of you, and if you handle this situation well, it can strengthen your relationship. Give her the chance to show you that you can trust her, and if you begin to get worried, talk to her, but don't accuse her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Control freak I'm not. I'm too busy working 6-7 days a week. But this issue has just cropped up recently in last couple of months and we have been married for 9 years.

 

A million things are said between husband and wife during the course of a relationship. So those that are suggesting to pack your bags don't truly understand marriage, and probably never will.

 

However, saying that our relationship seems to be much stronger now.Our communication has improved dramatically during the course of the day. And she seems to have gotten over the accusation. I have apologized and not brought it up again.

 

In my culture accusations of infedilty is the worst thing you can say to a women. I crossed that line

 

 

If your wife is at the point of taking pills and not waking up for hours.....you, my Canadian friend, having something that points to a much bigger problem.

 

 

I believe that you are a verbal abuser and are causing her a great deal of stress.

 

 

Having been verbally abused in the course of my life, I can assure that it's as much fun as physical abuse.

 

 

I STRONGLY SUGGEST reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship and seeing for yourself.

 

 

It has been a real eye-opener for my husband as well. It has made him happier too.

 

 

And he never would have forcefully accused me of something like that over such an inane conversation.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have apologized profusely again and again, re-opened the lines of communication and done some other things to make it up. At this point she said don't worry about and laughed at me for being suspicious.

 

Does a single over reaction constitute a control freak? Probably not.

 

Hope Shimmers,

 

Unfortunately, most of you are 6 time divorcees that change partners like candy. I bet most of you don't even know if your kids are actually yours or belong to the mail man. That truly speaks about the state of your knowledge about marriage.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

 

 

Wow, thank you for affirming the kinds of sharp, heated words a verbal abuser would use, right in the thread.

 

 

That makes this a little easier for it to be a thread to be referred to as an "example of verbal abuse" in the future.

 

 

I am willing to bet since you are willing to let loose on page 2 of a thread with epithets like this, that you are willing to let loose lots more to your wife behind closed doors. Because THAT'S WHAT VERBAL ABUSERS DO.

 

 

I've been married 9.5 years. I have not one clue, but two for you about marriage:

 

 

1. You fit the pattern of a verbal abuser, so you just may make the six divorces mark yourself if you don't at least check yourself and examine the pattern.

 

 

2. Put your garbage in the can. You may already do this, but if you don't, start doing it. It really pisses wives off when you don't. Total sidenote.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, I did ask for advice. Not a beat down. People make mistakes. I didn't cheat, beat people up or kill someone.

 

Don't know what's going on in my brain having weird and wonderful thoughts. After nearly 6 years of working straight finally need a vacation or some time off. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

 

Just own it already!

 

 

It is so freaking rare to get a consensus on this site, it is unreal.

 

 

And so far every poster has suggested you made the mistake/need help.

 

 

Go see someone to get help. Seriously.

 

 

Think about all of the times your "wife has made you angry" in the last year or so and how you reacted. If you find yourself using sharp words that tear into her character, suggest she is shady, accuse her of manipulation or purposely upsetting you, or in any way hold her accountable for your yelling or shouting, then you have a problem.

 

 

If you suggest to her in ANY WAY that she is not intelligent, hardworking, kind, virtuous or beautiful I am willing to bet it is A) Aggressive or B) passive-aggressive and destructive. I am also willing to bet that you let her know that she is spoiled because of her family.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can listen to advice. But do not care about the sledgehammer approach taken by some. Some of you are a step away from calling me a mass murdererer.

 

Did I tell you the gentlemen called my house? Unfortunately, a very talkative relative picked up and happily passed on the message to everyone

 

I can't believe just how many self-victimizing statements you make after victimizing someone else, insulting other posters on here, and minimizing both. You make yourself sound like the victim. You aren't.

 

 

Often people that cheat in the infidelity section do the same thing. Victimize, minimize, attack the character of the other posters and play victim. It shows a lack of responsibility.

 

 

On a hard day they'll go "oh yeah, I screwed up, but so does everyone."

It's isn't about "oh you screwed-up and now we'll clobber you."

 

 

It's about, clearly there's a much bigger issue at play because this guy knows he did real bad, got the red flag when his wife took the pills, he's defensive as all Hell, so clearly there's a heck of a lot more to this. Because your whole presentation screams it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warning Signs of an Abusive Husband

[SunnyCanadian]

It actually isn't healthy to have no interactions with the opposite sex. It is about keeping those interactions on a friendly non intimate level.

 

So, clarify. What exact comment did she brush off about you having a dirty mind. You are being vague and all over the place.

 

Was that last comment about him waiting a translation thing?

 

Bro and sis. Better than honey, sweetheart, sexy. How long have they used this familiarized way of talking?

 

 

The comment about him looking for some girl from the past I thought was dirty, especially to another person's wife. I thought it showed his state of mind my wife said I had a dirty mind.

 

The reason why I get uptight about this is because years ago a similar event with a distant relative (lady) ended up with the guys wife showing up at the doorstep. It caused a major issue.

 

If he is using my wife to get to this other girl I can forsee a similar situation.

 

There is a cultural difference as well. Cousins, family friends and aquaintences are considered brothers and sisters, literally!

 

My wife use to tie Rakhri on his hand.

 

Why I jumped to the conclusion of her having an affair is that I misread the chat (my fault) when I translated it.

[SunnyCanadian]

Just own it already!

 

 

It is so freaking rare to get a consensus on this site, it is unreal.

 

 

And so far every poster has suggested you made the mistake/need help.

 

 

Go see someone to get help. Seriously.

 

 

Think about all of the times your "wife has made you angry" in the last year or so and how you reacted. If you find yourself using sharp words that tear into her character, suggest she is shady, accuse her of manipulation or purposely upsetting you, or in any way hold her accountable for your yelling or shouting, then you have a problem.

 

 

If you suggest to her in ANY WAY that she is not intelligent, hardworking, kind, virtuous or beautiful I am willing to bet it is A) Aggressive or B) passive-aggressive and destructive. I am also willing to bet that you let her know that she is spoiled because of her family.

 

 

Well, we were having problems for a couple of years based on financial responsibilities. I'm an Owner Operator so I don't have health insurance. It ended up I had a hernia and sciatica. I was on so much medication (Oxycontin) and could not work for nearly 6 weeks.

 

The mortgage and car payments bounced and my wife instead of covering it knowing her husband was unwell instead went out and bought a brand new 500 dollar Coach bag.

 

That was not the first time either. We have had 3 major fights on this very issue.

[Selfish]

One comment about wondering if your wife had found an old flame is hardly skeevy in itself. Living life that judgemental would be hard. You want to hate this guy, i get it. But be a little rational and don't use cultural dofferences because guess what? I live among a lot of people who are from india and return there. And while some may be controlling and harsh men who view their wives as property (like any culture) most are great who can use their rational brain.

 

I'm sorry you don't have enough to judge this guy as skeevy. Nor your wife as a ho.

 

But if the relationship troubles you explain that to your wife. Just realize she is an adult who will make her own choices. And if you dont like them all you can is choose for yourself not for her. Its how things work in Canada.

 

I still think you need to send an apology for your unfounded attack of this guy.

[Spectre]

More info being added that is far more questionable which raises a lot of flags about the whole thing. But as to the comment. If I had a friend who asked about a past crush I'd say the same thing. As a "just in case reminder"

 

But if you felt said friend needed a 'just in case' reminder it would mean you felt said friend had it in them to cheat.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, we were having problems for a couple of years based on financial responsibilities. I'm an Owner Operator so I don't have health insurance. It ended up I had a hernia and sciatica. I was on so much medication (Oxycontin) and could not work for nearly 6 weeks.

 

The mortgage and car payments bounced and my wife instead of covering it knowing her husband was unwell instead went out and bought a brand new 500 dollar Coach bag.

 

That was not the first time either. We have had 3 major fights on this very issue.

 

Having a husband who has slipped a disc and has sciatica, I get the painkillers and all. Oxys, Percs etc. Awful stuff.

 

 

Let me tell you, having a husband not working and on painkillers is tough enough. Having an unpleasant one even worse.

 

 

Time to stop being so hostile and examine issues as they come up as issues, not having a character flaw that you personally identify and can judge her with as the root of it all.

 

 

I don't know where in Canada you are, but if you are near Calgary, I can recommend a Chiropractor that specializes in that and has done wonders for my husband who could barely walk.

 

 

My family has used her services for over 25 years.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sunny,

 

The vacation is good and probably a much needed relief for both of you, but you don't get to stay on vacation forever and all the issues that existed before your vacation will still be waiting for you when you return.

 

I understand the stress of being separated from your spouse for business and being stressed for financial issues. I also don't think that your spouse is an angel and never makes mistakes. This is why I recommend counseling to strengthen the relationship. There will be issues in the future and by looking at counseling now, you can strengthen your marriage to lessen the impact. Best of luck to you and your family.

[SunnyCanadian]

It actually isn't healthy to have no interactions with the opposite sex. It is about keeping those interactions on a friendly non intimate level.

 

So, clarify. What exact comment did she brush off about you having a dirty mind. You are being vague and all over the place.

 

Was that last comment about him waiting a translation thing?

 

Bro and sis. Better than honey, sweetheart, sexy. How long have they used this familiarized way of talking?

 

Translation issue as well. Initially, when I read the chat I thought he was making a pass at my wife, however, based on the entire thread he was actually asking my wife about the whereabouts of this third girl.

[Just a Guy]

Hi SC, having read your posts all I can say is that you need to introspect as to why you are in your current situation. Many of the posters who are responding to you have a very different cultural background as compared to you. I am guessing that both you and your wife were born and brought up in India and that you migrated to Canada after you had completed college and possibly worked a few years in India itself. It is a cultural shock for some one from India (or for that matter from other Asian countries) to land up in a Western environment and then work for a living there. I am also assuming that you got married after having worked in Canada for a while and that your wife's parents agreed to the union because you were settled in Canada. I say this because you have said that her family is "Filthy rich" implying thereby that your family is probably not in the same league. Of course I may be wrong in my assumptions and you can correct me on that. I am also assuming that your wife has qualified on an MBA in India probably from a good institution which is why she has been able to get a job as a bank manager. I do not know what your qualifications are but possibly you are not as qualified as her which is why you have worked your way up as an owner/operator of a trucking operation.

 

Please correct me on any of all this but if I have made correct guesses then I would say that possibly there is a status difference between your family and hers. She may have been spoiled as a child in a rich family and may not share the same values as you. This would amount to compatibility differences and therefore the two of you are probably pulling in different directions. Again I say this because you have stated that when you were off work and your mortgage and car payments were due, she did not think as a member of the team but went out and made a completely frivolous purchase with money which was sorely needed for important debts on your part.

 

With this background I would say that the two of you need to sit down and have a very serious heart to heart discussion about your goals as a family and also on how to increase your compatibility quotient. You need to spend some time together as a couple and also as a family doing things that happy families do. I would also suggest that if you have anger management issues, that you addresses these as soon as possible. Most of the posters who have advised you here have brought a very different value system into play while addressing your problems whereas your own value system is very different and so there is a mismatch to a large extent. However I would say that they have made some very pertinent points and you should pay heed to those. Cheers!

[SunnyCanadian]

Hi SC, having read your posts all I can say is that you need to introspect as to why you are in your current situation. Many of the posters who are responding to you have a very different cultural background as compared to you. I am guessing that both you and your wife were born and brought up in India and that you migrated to Canada after you had completed college and possibly worked a few years in India itself. It is a cultural shock for some one from India (or for that matter from other Asian countries) to land up in a Western environment and then work for a living there. I am also assuming that you got married after having worked in Canada for a while and that your wife's parents agreed to the union because you were settled in Canada. I say this because you have said that her family is "Filthy rich" implying thereby that your family is probably not in the same league. Of course I may be wrong in my assumptions and you can correct me on that. I am also assuming that your wife has qualified on an MBA in India probably from a good institution which is why she has been able to get a job as a bank manager. I do not know what your qualifications are but possibly you are not as qualified as her which is why you have worked your way up as an owner/operator of a trucking operation.

 

Please correct me on any of all this but if I have made correct guesses then I would say that possibly there is a status difference between your family and hers. She may have been spoiled as a child in a rich family and may not share the same values as you. This would amount to compatibility differences and therefore the two of you are probably pulling in different directions. Again I say this because you have stated that when you were off work and your mortgage and car payments were due, she did not think as a member of the team but went out and made a completely frivolous purchase with money which was sorely needed for important debts on your part.

 

With this background I would say that the two of you need to sit down and have a very serious heart to heart discussion about your goals as a family and also on how to increase your compatibility quotient. You need to spend some time together as a couple and also as a family doing things that happy families do. I would also suggest that if you have anger management issues, that you addresses these as soon as possible. Most of the posters who have advised you here have brought a very different value system into play while addressing your problems whereas your own value system is very different and so there is a mismatch to a large extent. However I would say that they have made some very pertinent points and you should pay heed to those. Cheers!

 

I really appreciate your response. No, I'm born and raised in Canada graduated from university but could not really find a job in my field. She has multiple degrees and had a solid government job back home. She left family, friends to start a new life here in Canada. Her first job was flipping burgers which initially made her depressed. However, I pushed her to make her way up and take upgrading and slowly she made her way to the bank. Overtime she was promoted and eventually landed her current gig.

 

She is very conservative in her thinking. When she first came here I told her that people here do have relationships before marriage and she was horrified, still cannot wrap her head around it.

 

We are doing well here. It's not like we are poor. Our house is almost paid off because I gave massive overpayments to end it quickly. But everything in her own home was paid for.

 

during our one week courtship I watched her sister and her kick a poor, pregnant servant girl because the tea was a little late. I was horrified and made it clear this type of attitude is not going to work in Canada.

 

We did not lay any ground rules for social media and I let her go on to chat with family and friends because I knew she missed them.

Edited February 26, 2015 by SunnyCanadian
X

[Just a Guy]

Alright I stand corrected in my assumption about you. However, with some of your remarks it seemed to me that you, too, were a first generation immigrant. That said with your background I guess you should have anticipated the kind of responses you got from people having been groomed in the Western way of thinking. It is good to know that you folk are out of the woods, financially. However, I would say that there are some issues that you need to address. For one, I do not understand why you suffer from insecurity. As an owner of your own business I would think that you have the confidence to hold your own with anyone especially with respect to your wife. In fact if anything, you were the one to encourage her to improve on her prospects so that she is now in an important position in a bank. I would think that she would respect you and hold you in esteem for standing by her when she needed it the most.

 

I also think your wife needs to adapt to the changed circumstances of her situation, having decided to forsake her life in India and make a new one with you in Canada. She would need to focus on her family and it's welfare in every way and if she is earning well she should be willing to chip in and shoulder her fair share of responsibilities in ensuring the well being and security of her family. Since the two of you have been married for a while both of you should have been able to develop an ability to read each other and anticipate the other's thinking and feelings.

 

You have stated that she is very conservative in her thinking which leads me to believe that she is probably from the south of India where people are more conservative than people from the north. India has changed a lot as you may know and in the metros you have a number of live in relationships, sexual experimentation and concepts like Valentine's Day cards and greetings being freely exchanged. As such so called Western values are fast taking over the younger generation of Indians. While there are still a lot of conservative people around the situation is changing very fast and once India progresses in terms of financial well being for the majority, one can expect even greater changes. So take heart and help your wife to become more relaxed in her outlook on things. Both of you need to become more liberal in your outlook and develop greater trust in each other. Cheers!