Wife Having Affair?

[SunnyCanadian]

Alright I stand corrected in my assumption about you. However, with some of your remarks it seemed to me that you, too, were a first generation immigrant. That said with your background I guess you should have anticipated the kind of responses you got from people having been groomed in the Western way of thinking. It is good to know that you folk are out of the woods, financially. However, I would say that there are some issues that you need to address. For one, I do not understand why you suffer from insecurity. As an owner of your own business I would think that you have the confidence to hold your own with anyone especially with respect to your wife. In fact if anything, you were the one to encourage her to improve on her prospects so that she is now in an important position in a bank. I would think that she would respect you and hold you in esteem for standing by her when she needed it the most.

 

I also think your wife needs to adapt to the changed circumstances of her situation, having decided to forsake her life in India and make a new one with you in Canada. She would need to focus on her family and it's welfare in every way and if she is earning well she should be willing to chip in and shoulder her fair share of responsibilities in ensuring the well being and security of her family. Since the two of you have been married for a while both of you should have been able to develop an ability to read each other and anticipate the other's thinking and feelings.

 

You have stated that she is very conservative in her thinking which leads me to believe that she is probably from the south of India where people are more conservative than people from the north. India has changed a lot as you may know and in the metros you have a number of live in relationships, sexual experimentation and concepts like Valentine's Day cards and greetings being freely exchanged. As such so called Western values are fast taking over the younger generation of Indians. While there are still a lot of conservative people around the situation is changing very fast and once India progresses in terms of financial well being for the majority, one can expect even greater changes. So take heart and help your wife to become more relaxed in her outlook on things. Both of you need to become more liberal in your outlook and develop greater trust in each other. Cheers!

 

 

Thanks!

 

 

I want my wife to be independent and self sufficient because I'm away for a week at a time. She is finally coming around though. Unfortunately, it took 8-9 years of sometimes bitter fights. It cost me some health - anxiety, skipped heart beats and several trips to the hospital.

 

We have come to a financial compromise. I will come pay everything from top to bottom all she needs to do is save. With her experience, background and career she seems to enjoy working with numbers and money.

 

That said I will be changing my career in the next couple of years as I become mortgage free at the ripe old age of 35. I need to spend more time at home because my two boys (10 and 7) are unmanageable when I'm not home. I plan to buy a second home to rent out and a fleet of trucks as I take more of a management role.

 

She can have friends (male and female) it is no problem with me but it has to be a close circle of friends. More friends more problems is my motto. It should not be this way but unfortunately this is the times we live in.

 

Our origins are in North India (Punjab) near the Pakistan Afghanistan border. Over there frontier justice is common for guys and girls who step out of line especially if they are in pre-marital relationships.

 

The endeverous guys and girls literally risk their lives. My cousin was dating a girl in India about 12 years back. Her parents and brothers found out and they warned her. But being in love she disregarded the warning. The family lured her into the corn fields and chopped her up. Nice girl, met her once.

 

He was cornered coming home, and large sewing needles were stuck in his thigh, and a gun to to his head.

 

That is the risk taken, I suppose.

[beach]

What was discovered in the skype chats your wife had with this other guy?

 

Did she say why she chatted face to face by video with him?

[SunnyCanadian]

What was discovered in the skype chats your wife had with this other guy?

 

Did she say why she chatted face to face by video with him?

 

 

The guy proposed exchange of text messages, phone numbers, whatsup and skype but my wife seems to have completely ignored it. I see no evidence of any contact outside of these facebook messages with gaps of 2-3 months at a time.

 

The messages themselves are one liners or two liners max and usually consist of the following.

 

It could be for benign purposes as well. My wife knows his wife and mother pretty well. Or there could be an ulterior motive (trying to get to his other girl)

 

 

But either case. The unwritten rule is not to ask married women for phone numbers, text, whatsup, photos.

[atreides]

Well, for what it's worth what I'm saying is all true.

 

 

However, it goes deeper than that. For about 3 years my wife and I were having problems mostly based on financial issues which escalated into other areas. Bottom line, I felt that I needed sometype of help in paying the mortgage, car, insurance, and all bills. She, coming from a filthy rich family, where she had everything paid for, servants etc..felt like she did not need to contribute anything.

 

During the course of these arguments it escalated with both of us saying nasty things to one another. Stuff that should not be said.

 

It does not help that we had an arranged marriage with practically no time in understanding each other (1 week)

 

Anycase, any help would be appreciated.

 

I stopped reading at your post above, so forgive me if i am now out of context, but i can relate.

 

I take it you are Indian and are exactly as my best friend who is also and WAS in an arranged marriage as well. If not, i apologize, that is the only culture in parts I am aware of that openly has arrangements.

 

He lived a life of hell until 2 year ago after the divorce. He for years suspected she was cheating, but stayed with her for his daughter (against my advise - as in staying for children should not be a reason) He could not prove it and you sound just like him with these one liner communications with other guys that seem harmless, almost verbatim.

Honestly if you were not in the same situation as my BF, i would join the others and say WTF is wrong with you.

Although, on a separate note, my wife and I have social media rules as in family only. So i agree in part with your "married and asking for numbers"

So back to my BF, only after about a few years of going crazy, they also had a very sexless marriage, by that i mean maybe twice a year, if that... i digress...he found one email from an anonymous account still up on the laptop and that was his proof, after denial, denial, denial and no evidence for years, he finally was relieved to know that he was not crazy. His gut was right, and sadly we all too often jump on others for accusing without proof, sometimes the gut is right, well most times. There is always a back-story as to explain why we have suspicions.

He stayed with her until his daughter went to college and is the only person in the world i have agreed with stepping out of the marriage via the arrangement with marriage and how his life was, a forced situation.

His wife, knew she was caught, but played the tears and good girl and denied until the end. Still does. Funny thing is that the daughter backed her dad up and understood why he had to divorce. Irony of ironies.

You may never know for sure, my BF's wife slipped once out of so many years. Your gut is driving you crazy because there is likely something not right. I am sorry you are in a stuck situation of madness, i can relate to that witnessing my BF having gone through the same.

If you must, get a VAR in her car most private conversations take place there... do something to get your proof or end it or try to fix what went wrong and heal the marriage.

[autumnnight]

I am flabbergasted but not surprised that the last two posts or so are following the "she must be cheating" line. She isn't. A coupld of messages with an old friend in which SHE reminded him he was married when he asked about a girl is not cheating.

 

This. Woman, Is. Not. Cheating.

 

I get that in some internet lands if I can squint enough to make it look like a duck it is, but this woman is not cheating.

[SunnyCanadian]

I think at this point the problem is with me. I had a couple of relationships pre-marriage and ended up always accusing the girl of cheating as the only thing left in my bag of arguments. Looking back now it almost feels like I was looking for an argument or fight. Sounds weird but true.

 

I have checked all media and email and absolutely nothing. And she has everything saved from the time she came to the country partly because she is not super good with technology. This is a lady that forgets her own cell phone number and email password routinely.

 

She refuses to go to parties or business trips without me even if I say it's fine. She will still ask 5 million times.

[MJJean]

I want my wife to be independent and self sufficient because I'm away for a week at a time. She is finally coming around though. Unfortunately, it took 8-9 years of sometimes bitter fights. It cost me some health - anxiety, skipped heart beats and several trips to the hospital.

 

I need to spend more time at home because my two boys (10 and 7) are unmanageable when I'm not home. I plan to buy a second home to rent out and a fleet of trucks as I take more of a management role.

 

I am a SAHM. My husband is a truck driver and worked away from home for days at a time when our children were young. It's a lot of stress and work to be home alone with children while your husband is away working. It's almost like being a single mother. The normal difficulties of being the only adult at home and responsible for everything are greatly magnified when the children are not behaving as well as they should be.

 

Does your wife assert her authority as a parent with your children? Do you back her up? Do you have clear rules for the children and consequences for breaking those rules? Do you both enforce the rules consistently?

[atreides]

I think at this point the problem is with me. I had a couple of relationships pre-marriage and ended up always accusing the girl of cheating as the only thing left in my bag of arguments. Looking back now it almost feels like I was looking for an argument or fight. Sounds weird but true.

 

I have checked all media and email and absolutely nothing. And she has everything saved from the time she came to the country partly because she is not super good with technology. This is a lady that forgets her own cell phone number and email password routinely.

 

She refuses to go to parties or business trips without me even if I say it's fine. She will still ask 5 million times.

 

As I said before, i did not read the whole of your thread, your first posts resonated with my best friend's experiences and culture. I see where the thread has gone and where you are now mentally, so sending strength, i hope you find your way out of your own vices.

[TexasMan68]

Thanks!

 

 

I want my wife to be independent and self sufficient because I'm away for a week at a time. She is finally coming around though. Unfortunately, it took 8-9 years of sometimes bitter fights. It cost me some health - anxiety, skipped heart beats and several trips to the hospital.

 

We have come to a financial compromise. I will come pay everything from top to bottom all she needs to do is save. With her experience, background and career she seems to enjoy working with numbers and money.

 

That said I will be changing my career in the next couple of years as I become mortgage free at the ripe old age of 35. I need to spend more time at home because my two boys (10 and 7) are unmanageable when I'm not home. I plan to buy a second home to rent out and a fleet of trucks as I take more of a management role.

 

She can have friends (male and female) it is no problem with me but it has to be a close circle of friends. More friends more problems is my motto. It should not be this way but unfortunately this is the times we live in.

 

Our origins are in North India (Punjab) near the Pakistan Afghanistan border. Over there frontier justice is common for guys and girls who step out of line especially if they are in pre-marital relationships.

 

The endeverous guys and girls literally risk their lives. My cousin was dating a girl in India about 12 years back. Her parents and brothers found out and they warned her. But being in love she disregarded the warning. The family lured her into the corn fields and chopped her up. Nice girl, met her once.

 

He was cornered coming home, and large sewing needles were stuck in his thigh, and a gun to to his head.

 

That is the risk taken, I suppose.

 

Sounds like you need to start disciplining those boys and let them know that they need to show mom the same respect they show you. There should be no reason they act up when you are gone. Time to light some butts on fire!!

[SunnyCanadian]

Sounds like you need to start disciplining those boys and let them know that they need to show mom the same respect they show you. There should be no reason they act up when you are gone. Time to light some butts on fire!!

 

 

You are right. Even their behavior is my fault I bought them things on demand. Perhaps to keep them occupied and make up for my absence.

 

But it's small things- not eating, doing homework, running around like mad men.

 

Just yesterday my 7 year old ran out of shower, streaked everybody sitting in the living room and ran back. It's kind of funny but still wrong.

[oldshirt]

 

The guy on his part said " I'm sorry if I said anything you found offensive. I will not contact you or anybody else in your family ever again" and he called my "psycho"

 

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think John is very wise.

[SunnyCanadian]

Hello everyone,

 

 

Just a quick update. So I searched all media, email again. It's surprising what you can miss.

 

It seems my wife tried to contact the brother of this other girl (Rita) to find out her exact whereabouts. And was told by her brother " Rita, is now married and just had a baby girl and is not on facebook"

 

And some other stuff.