My husband took nude photos of me without my consent

[webmiss88]

Okay, I'm losing it. I'm so upset that I'm shaking like a mad woman. My husband (back when we were dating) had often asked about me posing for nude (or semi-nude) photographs. I declined, every time. I work in the public school system and for me there are just WAY too many horror stories of photos leaking and people's lives being ruined.

 

My stance has not changed since we got married. Last Friday, we celebrated Valentine's Day. I had too much wine and fell asleep after sex, mostly naked. This evening, I logged into my husband's dropxbox account (which he has given me his username and password, so I can download photographs of our kids for their scrapbooks) and there I am, passed out/mostly naked, on the internet.

 

I am MORTIFIED, hurt, betrayed, and feeling EXTREMELY violated. His response? He deleted them from his phone (but not the internet) and I quote: "You are making this so much bigger than it is... but whatever ok. Don't trust me again, that's fine, sorry you feel that way."

 

I just... I can't even. I don't know what to do. I haven't stopped crying. It's a good thing he's not here or I would probably do something that would make the situation 1000% times worse.

[StalwartMind]

I think the most important part of this situation is the fact that you multiple times declined him taking photos of you. Putting aside men often being very visual and having that need, you are in your every right to be very upset and hurt. I do understand where he is trying to go with this, but there isn't any valid excuse for actually betraying your trust like that. Could it be seen as innocent, sure perhaps under different circumstances, if you lived in some remote woods and it was done with an old-school camera where pictures needed development. Even then I'd be pretty upset as it is borderline, if not completely creepy.

 

It's not a matter of being a bit prudish either. You simply never know with the internet, and even if deleted stuff can still linger and who knows where it'll end up. I don't intend say that to make you worry more because in all likelihood that will probably never happen, but this is perhaps the single most important reason why some things should never really be put on the internet. It seems rather careless that those pictures would be in the same account along with other photos, almost like he wanted you to find them intentionally. I guess that's a possibility, it could be a kick for him too to see if you actually liked, I don't know.

 

I would definitely have a serious talk about him with this, he can't go and do such things again. We can all make mistakes, even very stupid ones like this which really feels like a betrayal because of it's potential significance, but also because of the fact he disregarded something you asked of him. We shouldn't do things that we know may hurt our loved ones and in no way do I defend your husband, but at the same time we all do **** up and sometimes even the ones most close to us can do things that are...rather clumsy at best.

 

Try and compose yourself and stop crying, it is true that no real damage has been done (if my assumption about dropbox is correct and only you two have access to those files) and the important part is to keep it that way. This doesn't change the fact of what he has done and you need to make it very clear it can't happen again, I'm sure he isn't feel very proud of himself right now seeing your reaction. Hopefully he is man enough to make up for it and admit to it being a big mistake.

[webmiss88]

I think that is what is making it so much worse. According to him, he hasn't done anything wrong and he has every right to take those pictures. He doesn't feel bad, at all.

[TigerCub]

OMG!

What an *******. That is so extremely violating and the fact that he's being so dismissive about it - what a f**in creep.

Can you actually press charges against him?

I totally would. You were sleeping and he did that, you couldn't give your consent and judging from the past, he knew you wouldn't.

 

Honestly, if you can press charges against him, you should.

 

I don't see how you can even begin to rebuild trust after that.

 

If it were me, I would press charges against him and divorce his worthless ass.

 

I know that some people out there might think that's an over reaction, but it really isn't. What he did was very violating. Some partner screw ups can be forgiven, I don't think is one of them.

 

Once something is out there on the internet, there really isn't a way to get it all back.

 

So sorry this happened to you OP.

[Winterina]

Thing is that every person has different boundaries. You have made yours clear and your reasons are very valid. He has disrespected those boundaries and your trust. Now he has no idea what he had done and thinks it is not a big deal. Maybe not to him. Maybe not to someone else. I don't know if it would be a big deal for me. But it is a big deal to you and he knew that.

So I would be pissed too if someone took me out of my comfort zone in what seems like such a violation of privacy.

However, it is not the end of marriage or anything like that. He needs to stop being such an emotionally dumb person and realise that what you felt about it is not something he should have made a judgment on. That is disrespect and a breach of trust.

Not everyone is like him and feels about it what he feels. Some people are like you and he needs to make sure he does not intrude into your zone of comfort in such irresponsible way. What is he, 19?

 

 

So stop crying and talk to him (calmly, if possible) when he gets back.

[Realist3]

I'm going to go the other direction, you are overreacting. He's your husband and admires your form. Just because it is on Dropbox doesn't mean it is all over the internet. Did he cross a boundary you set, I guess he did, but ask yourself were you harmed? Do you think he is trying to harm you?

 

Think about mountains and mole hills, and I don't even think this rates a mole hill. Just innocent fun. Chill out.

[BikerAccnt]

I agree he violated your trust and shouldn't have done it. If you said no to picture's when you were awake, I'm sure he knew that also applied to when you were sleeping!

 

 

That said, a word about dropbox photo uploads, though you may already know this. If you have your phone set up with dropbox, it will automatically sync any pictures you take to dropbox. Most likely, that's how your picture got posted there.

 

 

Not that it takes anything away from what you are feeling. What he did is clearly wrong. However, He may not have thought thru completely when taking the pic, realizing that it would end up on dropbox also.

[TigerCub]

I don't know what dropbox is.

I though he took her picture and then posted it on some website.

 

I dunno, either way, super wrong.

He can admire her form as some other poster said, but to do something that she feels would humiliate her is completely wrong.

 

He's still a major ass!

[Realist3]

I don't know what dropbox is.

I though he took her picture and then posted it on some website.

 

I dunno, either way, super wrong.

He can admire her form as some other poster said, but to do something that she feels would humiliate her is completely wrong.

 

He's still a major ass!

 

Dropbox is a cloud backup for all of your pictures. It is your own personal account. You pay a fee and your photos are automatically uploaded/synced every few hours.

[elaine567]

In Dropbox it is possible to share pics/files/folders with friends and colleagues in fact anyone you choose, and that is where it may become more complicated and more worrying for the OP really, depending on what the husband is truly capable of here.

https://www.dropbox.com/en/help/274

 

I, like the OP would be devastated, as it is a complete breach of trust and leaves her feeling violated and vulnerable.

It also opens up the questions.

Has he done this before?

Where are the pics if he has done it before?

Has he shared the pics with anyone?

Will he photograph her again? Asleep and naked?

[bubbaganoosh]

Just a total lack of respect and broken trust. To make matters worse, this guy thinks that it's no big deal and truth be told, how in Gods name can you repair a marriage when the trust and respect is gone.

 

What I don't understand is if he wants to see his wife naked, he pretty much can when he wants so he doesn't need to have a review during the course of the day.

 

I hope that she was able to delete the pictures.

[Rainbowlove]

Personally, I'd pack his stuff and let him go stay somewhere else for a while. Until he realizes how serious this is and then begs to be forgiven and to come home.

 

He's not getting it.

 

This is blatant disrespect for you, your profession, your boundaries, your trust, your dignity...

 

I'm outraged for you.

 

And his response, ever worse if you ask me. He should be as disgusted by his behavior.

 

How long was he going to keep this from you?

 

Put some clothes in a bag for him, a tooth brush and let him take some days to himself to think about how wrong he was.

[redtail]

This is blatant disrespect for you, your profession, your boundaries, your trust, your dignity...

Yeah, I completely agree, wow, who does that!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to go the other direction, you are overreacting. He's your husband and admires your form. Just because it is on Dropbox doesn't mean it is all over the internet. Did he cross a boundary you set, I guess he did, but ask yourself were you harmed? Do you think he is trying to harm you?

 

Think about mountains and mole hills, and I don't even think this rates a mole hill. Just innocent fun. Chill out.

 

You don't think an individual should be able to control whether nude pictures are taken of themselves and how those pictures are used ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Here's an incident last year where 7 million Dropbox passwords were hacked:

 

Dropbox Hacked - Business Insider

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I'm going to go the other direction, you are overreacting. He's your husband and admires your form. Just because it is on Dropbox doesn't mean it is all over the internet. Did he cross a boundary you set, I guess he did, but ask yourself were you harmed? Do you think he is trying to harm you?

 

Think about mountains and mole hills, and I don't even think this rates a mole hill. Just innocent fun. Chill out.

 

She said no on many occasions. He went on to take the pictures when she was drunk and unable to give her consent. There is nothing right about this and IMO the OP is not overreacting. I'd be furious as well if I were her.

 

It's basically saying I don't give a damn if you say no. I'll do it anyway. That's not acceptable and I would be very very cautious if my H did this as my trust would be gone.

[TigerCub]

Dropbox is a cloud backup for all of your pictures. It is your own personal account. You pay a fee and your photos are automatically uploaded/synced every few hours.

 

Thanks for explaining it.

[tim374]

She said no on many occasions. He went on to take the pictures when she was drunk and unable to give her consent. There is nothing right about this and IMO the OP is not overreacting. I'd be furious as well if I were her.

 

It's basically saying I don't give a damn if you say no. I'll do it anyway. That's not acceptable and I would be very very cautious if my H did this as my trust would be gone.

 

Couldn't have said it better! Don't let Hubby rug sweep. This is a serious betrayal of trust on his part. He needs to know that you are serious. It seems like he does not really care about how you feel. You should DEMAND that he delete the files with you watching over his shoulder.

 

*IF* you decide to forgive him chalk it up as a lesson learned and never get drunk around him again.

 

T

[TigerCub]

She said no on many occasions. He went on to take the pictures when she was drunk and unable to give her consent. There is nothing right about this and IMO the OP is not overreacting. I'd be furious as well if I were her.

 

It's basically saying I don't give a damn if you say no. I'll do it anyway. That's not acceptable and I would be very very cautious if my H did this as my trust would be gone.

 

And that would have been bad enough if he took those pictures and kept them to himself - but oh no! he can't stop there, he took those pictures and posted them for other people to see.

 

like WTF?! What an ass!

[sandylee1]

I'm wondering what part of 'No' your husband didn't understand. Does he behave like this in other aspects of life? Ignoring what you say?

 

If things ever went sour between you, what's to say he wouldn't use these pictures to ruin your life. It wouldn't be the first time this kind of thing has happened.

 

If you can't trust your husband, there is serious cause for concern.

[Arieswoman]

webmiss88,

I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

I also find it hard to believe that this hasn't happened before, without your knowledge as it seems your husband has voyeuristic leanings.

 

He has disrespected you and made been dismissive of your boundaries. I wonder if this isn't the first time he has been sneaky to get his own way?

 

I'm sorry but I really think you need to re-evaluate this marriage, because if trust and respect aren't there, you don't have a lot else.

 

Good luck.

[Honeybunnies]

How humiliating and invasive! I would feel so violated, OP! I am so sorry this happened to you! What shocks me the most is that it is your husband!!

 

This man is supposed to protect, respect, and love you! This makes me sick, ugh.

[catapult88]

And that would have been bad enough if he took those pictures and kept them to himself - but oh no! he can't stop there, he took those pictures and posted them for other people to see.

 

like WTF?! What an ass!

 

Again, just because they're in Dropbox doesn't mean at all that's what he did. The are miles of differences between your phone syncing to your Dropbox account and sharing those photos on other websites.

 

I agree that what he did is a breach of trust and is disrespectful, but for the moment, fears of these being all over the internet are probably over-blown based on what we currently know.

[Realist3]

She said no on many occasions. He went on to take the pictures when she was drunk and unable to give her consent. There is nothing right about this and IMO the OP is not overreacting. I'd be furious as well if I were her.

 

It's basically saying I don't give a damn if you say no. I'll do it anyway. That's not acceptable and I would be very very cautious if my H did this as my trust would be gone.

 

I'm not going to get into the legal definitions of consent, and I'm not going to get into the definitions of 'right' in one persons mind. My statement is about perspective, context, and overall level of importance.

 

I'm just saying you might want to take life a little less serious than a husband taking nude pics of his wife against her wishes.

[anna121]

I'm not going to get into the legal definitions of consent, and I'm not going to get into the definitions of 'right' in one persons mind. My statement is about perspective, context, and overall level of importance.

 

I'm just saying you might want to take life a little less serious than a husband taking nude pics of his wife against her wishes.

 

Of course you're not going to get into legal definitions. Because she has him dead to rights.

 

I can't even. It's like the wife's perspective doesn't matter.

 

The fact that she was passed out is an incredibly creepy aspect to it, too, IMO.