My husband took nude photos of me without my consent

[Arieswoman]

Webmiss88,

He will never decide he's sorry. We just had a two+ hour conversation on this subject and again according to him, he "did nothing wrong." He has every right to photograph me whenever and however he wants.

 

So now you know where you stand.

 

He has every right to photograph me whenever and however he wants.

 

^^^

 

This tells me that he has some kind of "entitlement issues", he seems to view you as his property, to use for amusement/gratification when he wants.

 

I can see a red flag waving that's so big it would cause a stampede a in herd of Charolais.

 

As for my gut? It's telling me run. As fast as I can.

 

Please listen to your gut.

 

I'm sorry.

[sandylee1]

Add to that the fact that he believes he did nothing wrong and he has nothing to apologize for... I can't even put it into words.

 

OP This would really bug me as well. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. So your previous talks that you didn't want it mean nothing to him? It's so wrong.

 

The damage is done. The trust is gone. I've moved his stuff from our bedroom into the guest bedroom, I installed a new lock on the master bedroom, and I'm getting my legal stuff in order. Whether I will press charges or file for divorce remains to be seen, but for the time being I can't even look him I'm so disgusted.

 

Excellent move. You are a smart woman. How can you ever trust him after this. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, so really he could do it again with his warped logic.

[Winterina]

Part 3. Obligations Imposed by Law - California Civil Code Section 1708.8 - California Attorney Resources - California Laws

 

Wrong law to cite. Read it again. It is about when someone trespasses and takes your photos.

Not about guy taking photos in his own home.

That said, he still sucks for doing it.

[gaius]

I'm kind of surprised by all the responses in this thread, especially by a few women who are in pretty successful marriages and who I get the vibe are very good with their husbands. =/

 

Web, I think you're making a big mistake. Granted, you have more experience with your profession than I do but I've never heard of a teacher getting fired for taking naked pictures with her husband before. And even if I'm wrong there's a whole bunch of different ways you could accomodate his desire without putting yourself at risk. Having a photoshoot with your face covered or something, editing the pictures afterward, etc etc. Your husband wanting naked pictures of you is a GOOD thing, and a pretty normal behavior for a male who's into a woman. And it's pretty humiliating for a guy if you're not willing to go there even after you're married. I mean this isn't a guy you just met in a bar or anything.

 

The story I'm getting is that in the heat of the moment the guy took pictures of you and then deleted them from his phone before you even found out. Which was not the greatest way to handle it but when put in the context of you not being interested whatsoever in meeting his pretty basic need it's more of a two way street than him just wronging you completely. And if you ever did something like run off to a lawyer to try and bully me over something like that I would lose my affection for you and not give a rats ass whether you divorced me or not either. =/

 

You may think now that a guy who's not really sexually interested in you would be preferable but if you do continue along this path of trying to humiliate your husband into submission I think you're gonna miss actually having a guy who's strong and wants you like that. Having a non-sexual toad for a partner is no fun for a woman.

Edited February 21, 2015 by gaius

[Arieswoman]

No Gaius, he didn't delete them, the OP found them on his computer.

 

The issue here is about respect not so much about the pictures.

 

The OP was very clear since they had been dating that she didn't want pictures taken, (her reasons don't matter) so he knew her boundaries and then violated them. That's the problem.

 

Now I have claustrophobia. I don't like flying and if I go to the cinema I like to sit in an aisle seat quite far back, near the exits. I told all my dates this. One guy I dated said he would get tickets for a show in London and we booked a hotel to stay over afterwards. I reminded him that I wanted an aisle seat and he said he'd done that.

When we got into the theatre the seats were not only in the middle of a row they were pretty near the front. I refused to sit there. He said I was an ungrateful b**** and that they were expensive seats with a good view which is what he wanted "so he could see what was going on, onstage".

I walked out, (as I was starting a panic attack by now) went back to the hotel got my case and got a train home.

 

 

This is the same principle.

I reckoned if he couldn't respect my wishes in this area, then in what other ways would he ride roughshop over my boundaries?

Sadly the OP is in the same position.

[Els]

 

The damage is done. The trust is gone. I've moved his stuff from our bedroom into the guest bedroom, I installed a new lock on the master bedroom, and I'm getting my legal stuff in order.

 

 

Sounds like a good decision.

 

I agree completely that the issue here is trust, and a violation of trust. It must be a stressful and miserable life to live with someone whom you cannot trust to respect your boundaries and your decisions about your own body. And his responses to you enforces that point - he doesn't even think he did anything wrong. Which means he will likely continue to do so.

 

Also, to all those posters talking out your behinds about pictures being 'safe' in Dropbox, you clearly are ignorant about computer/network security. No security professional worth their salt would ever recommend storing sensitive material on a shared cloud infrastructure. If you're so naive as to think that that's okay, go right ahead and store all your bank passwords and PIN numbers on Dropbox, why don't you?

[elaine567]

It is paranoa to think someone will get those photos off your private dropbox.

 

NO it isn't, all the husband needs to do is give someone else the link to those pics in his "private" dropbox and then that person can view them and even copy and share them.

By taking and having the pics stored, he has his wife over a barrel, due to her job and the damage nude pics could do to her.

[WomenWubber]

I have. I get the same answer. Every time. He won't look at me. He tells me he did no wrong and he has nothing to apologize for. As for my gut? It's telling me run. As fast as I can.

 

He will never decide he's sorry. We just had a two+ hour conversation on this subject and again according to him, he "did nothing wrong." He has every right to photograph me whenever and however he wants.

 

That way of thinking will get him in deep trouble someday. Maybe that day will come soon.

 

You'll get through this. I think you're doing what needs to be done.

[Selfish]

NO it isn't, all the husband needs to do is give someone else the link to those pics in his "private" dropbox and then that person can view them and even copy and share them.

By taking and having the pics stored, he has his wife over a barrel, due to her job and the damage nude pics could do to her.

 

This is a whole other story. The OP never said he had an intent to broadcast them. And this is entirely different than fearing leaked photos or hacking (which the op changed her story on. She said it was her twitter. As someone who wants to keep her private life private I am positive she uses different passwords).

 

I believe in being mad for what was done. Not for creating scenerios and what ifs that didnt happen or there is no evidence happen. He took a photo while she was sleeping. He is not sorry he did it. No one logged into their dropbox (which I know a lot about IT and I know thag though there has been breaches in the past drop box and the cloud are actually designed for safe online storage.) as far as she knows he did not distribute those photos. (I also know while one lawyer may claim dropbox an equally qualified lawyed on his side would argue the other side.

 

I then let the OP know what it means to enable self entitled people and how easy it can happen. Because she said she bends over backwards to accomadate him in every area about the photos. And yet he did the photos too. Someone who takes the one thing he wants regardless of her feelings is seriously self entitled. Up until now by letting him always have his way she has enabled him. And yet she feels she cannot evn accept that and has said she added more bt saying she sexually gave him what she wanted. She fails to see that enabling is not a bad thing. It is something almost everyone has done for someone they love. But if you can see you did it you can often have a clearer picture. For isntance "oh my gosh, he has always had his waybecause I let him. But his self entitlement couldnt handle there was something he couldnt have so he took it anyways and isnt sorry"

 

Something like this doesn't just happen. It would be like a spouse having a one night stand after no behaviour in that direction and then claiming the did no wrong while watching their spouse cry.

 

This behaviour has been there a while. And for those who feel she has no reason to be upset. What he did was on the spectrum of spousel rape. He violated her and her trust in him. And he isn't even sorry. And that last part is the worst.

[Selfish]

No Gaius, he didn't delete them, the OP found them on his computer.

 

The issue here is about respect not so much about the pictures.

 

The OP was very clear since they had been dating that she didn't want pictures taken, (her reasons don't matter) so he knew her boundaries and then violated them. That's the problem.

 

Now I have claustrophobia. I don't like flying and if I go to the cinema I like to sit in an aisle seat quite far back, near the exits. I told all my dates this. One guy I dated said he would get tickets for a show in London and we booked a hotel to stay over afterwards. I reminded him that I wanted an aisle seat and he said he'd done that.

When we got into the theatre the seats were not only in the middle of a row they were pretty near the front. I refused to sit there. He said I was an ungrateful b**** and that they were expensive seats with a good view which is what he wanted "so he could see what was going on, onstage".

I walked out, (as I was starting a panic attack by now) went back to the hotel got my case and got a train home.

 

 

This is the same principle.

I reckoned if he couldn't respect my wishes in this area, then in what other ways would he ride roughshop over my boundaries?

Sadly the OP is in the same position.

 

 

He actually did delete them off his phone. I am not sure if he did it before or after. The OP never said wether he pruposefully synced to drop box or not.

[webmiss88]

No Gaius, he didn't delete them, the OP found them on his computer.

 

The issue here is about respect not so much about the pictures.

 

The OP was very clear since they had been dating that she didn't want pictures taken, (her reasons don't matter) so he knew her boundaries and then violated them. That's the problem.

 

Now I have claustrophobia. I don't like flying and if I go to the cinema I like to sit in an aisle seat quite far back, near the exits. I told all my dates this. One guy I dated said he would get tickets for a show in London and we booked a hotel to stay over afterwards. I reminded him that I wanted an aisle seat and he said he'd done that.

When we got into the theatre the seats were not only in the middle of a row they were pretty near the front. I refused to sit there. He said I was an ungrateful b**** and that they were expensive seats with a good view which is what he wanted "so he could see what was going on, onstage".

I walked out, (as I was starting a panic attack by now) went back to the hotel got my case and got a train home.

 

 

This is the same principle.

I reckoned if he couldn't respect my wishes in this area, then in what other ways would he ride roughshop over my boundaries?

Sadly the OP is in the same position.

 

I didn't find them on his computer. Because he uploaded them to dropbox (an account he was fully aware I had access to), I ended up pulling them on MY computer. I went in search of pictures of my kids and there I was on my internet browser.

[webmiss88]

This is a whole other story. The OP never said he had an intent to broadcast them. And this is entirely different than fearing leaked photos or hacking (which the op changed her story on. She said it was her twitter. As someone who wants to keep her private life private I am positive she uses different passwords).

 

I believe in being mad for what was done. Not for creating scenerios and what ifs that didnt happen or there is no evidence happen. He took a photo while she was sleeping. He is not sorry he did it. No one logged into their dropbox (which I know a lot about IT and I know thag though there has been breaches in the past drop box and the cloud are actually designed for safe online storage.) as far as she knows he did not distribute those photos. (I also know while one lawyer may claim dropbox an equally qualified lawyed on his side would argue the other side.

 

I then let the OP know what it means to enable self entitled people and how easy it can happen. Because she said she bends over backwards to accomadate him in every area about the photos. And yet he did the photos too. Someone who takes the one thing he wants regardless of her feelings is seriously self entitled. Up until now by letting him always have his way she has enabled him. And yet she feels she cannot evn accept that and has said she added more bt saying she sexually gave him what she wanted. She fails to see that enabling is not a bad thing. It is something almost everyone has done for someone they love. But if you can see you did it you can often have a clearer picture. For isntance "oh my gosh, he has always had his waybecause I let him. But his self entitlement couldnt handle there was something he couldnt have so he took it anyways and isnt sorry"

 

Something like this doesn't just happen. It would be like a spouse having a one night stand after no behaviour in that direction and then claiming the did no wrong while watching their spouse cry.

 

This behaviour has been there a while. And for those who feel she has no reason to be upset. What he did was on the spectrum of spousel rape. He violated her and her trust in him. And he isn't even sorry. And that last part is the worst.

 

I NEVER changed my story on anything. I talked about how my husband had these photos uploaded to dropbox and how last YEAR our dropbox account had been comprised. I also mentioned how my twitter account had been hacked by a student of mine. There was nothing comprising on the twitter account, but it was enough for me to leave social media. Now dropbox, isn't social media, but it certainly isn't secure.

[Selfish]

Typically I am the one bending over backwards in our marriage and being pulled out of my comfortable zone. I have done a LOT for him, both in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. I do it because I love him, because that's marriage. The one thing (the ONLY THING) I have ever drawn a firm, hard line on is photographs.

 

Here is your post (that you changed and made seem like you mean only sexually).

 

It is great to do things for other people. Now stop getting so defensive and think.

 

These lots of things. Has he done lots of things for you? Does he compromise? Does he let you have your way sometimes?

 

Loving someone and doing great things for them is awesome. But if it doesn't go both ways it almost always ends in disaster. That is what I mean anout enabling. We all do it. Its not a crime. But when we identify it it can help us so much in the current situation and future.

 

But if he has done lots for you, compromised, and equally given back, then I don't know what to say except that he is really thick headed and maybe because he feels intent was flattering and non sinister (not to share) he fails to have empathy for how much it violates you. But I just have a hard time seeing that.

[Selfish]

I NEVER changed my story on anything. I talked about how my husband had these photos uploaded to dropbox and how last YEAR our dropbox account had been comprised. I also mentioned how my twitter account had been hacked by a student of mine. There was nothing comprising on the twitter account, but it was enough for me to leave social media. Now dropbox, isn't social media, but it certainly isn't secure.

 

Okay, but why is that the bone of contention? And your focus?

 

If the photos hadn't possibly synced with your dropbox would you be upset? Or is this just noise and distraction?

[Selfish]

Seeing where the problem started (not last friday). Is what will hell you threw this when/if your anger wears off and if he does have a change of heart (you don't know he won't because peopl often wuickly do when they realize their spouse is serious and taking action. Knowing if he has disregarded your feelings regularly will help. And seeing hos a marriage can be imbalanced will help only you.

 

I'm not going to comment on the dropbox. I think it is distracting from the point. Like that is what you want to be angry about. Pictures leaking. Not the fact he took a picture at all and wasnt sorry.

Edited February 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Otter2569]

Your husband was wrong to do this without your permission or you being aware of it but like others have said - the pics were backed up. They were NOT broadcast all over the internet.

 

This will make me sound like a dick to some but I honestly feel his pain. I have a super hot GF. One of my fantasies is to take nude, erotic (not hard core) pics of her. Call it a Hugh Hefner thing...what ever. My GF is not into it...sort of. She has taken nude selfies of us on HER phone. She has let me take pics of her ass on several occasions (her idea) and I have an occasional boob pic BUT she almost always makes me delete them from my phone. Its only ok if she is in control so I roll with it, hoping one day I will have my chance.

 

Long story short: he still loves and admires you and your body after all these years. If he is at all a decent man (you should know this by now - he is your husband) he would safeguard these pics and never do anything to compromise you. He might show a hot pic to his buddies - which would make them think you are an amazing wife and that he is one lucky SOB.

 

I have dozens of nude pics from ex GFs (they would send selfies to me). I have rarely shown anyone and have NEVER or would NEVER put them on the internet.

[Otter2569]

Bottom line: don't arrest your husband, talk to him openly and honestly. Make it a safe open conversation so that you can BOTH share your points of view.

 

Otherwise, he might try and have you arrested for cruel and unusual punishment (joking)

[xxoo]

 

Long story short: he still loves and admires you and your body after all these years. If he is at all a decent man (you should know this by now - he is your husband) he would safeguard these pics and never do anything to compromise you. He might show a hot pic to his buddies - which would make them think you are an amazing wife and that he is one lucky SOB.

 

I have dozens of nude pics from ex GFs (they would send selfies to me). I have rarely shown anyone and have NEVER or would NEVER put them on the internet.

 

 

Do you think this is reassuring?

 

Ego and lust over respect and trust

[Popsicle]

If he were my husband (Keyword: husband, not just boyfriend) then I would let him take pics of me, no problem. I See it as an extension of our sex life. But I would ask that he never show anyone without my permission, no matter what our status is.

[webmiss88]

Okay, but why is that the bone of contention? And your focus?

 

If the photos hadn't possibly synced with your dropbox would you be upset? Or is this just noise and distraction?

 

The only people talking about dropbox are on this website. It isn't even a focus for me and my husband at this point. However, dropbox is the means by which I discovered these photos. At the time I confronted him, he had deleted them off his phone and he said (and I quote) "You were never supposed to know about them." Doesn't make me feel a whole lot better about our marriage or about trusting him.

[webmiss88]

I have dozens of nude pics from ex GFs (they would send selfies to me). I have rarely shown anyone and have NEVER or would NEVER put them on the internet.

 

You have RARELY shown anyone? How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better about what he did or more comfortable taking such photographs? My naked body is for my husband's eyes only. Nobody else's.

[webmiss88]

Bottom line: don't arrest your husband, talk to him openly and honestly. Make it a safe open conversation so that you can BOTH share your points of view.

 

Otherwise, he might try and have you arrested for cruel and unusual punishment (joking)

 

I'm not arresting him. I don't want any legal record of this anywhere. We have talked about our points of view. His point of view is that I'm his wife and he has the right to photograph me however and whenever he wants. He feels that since I was never supposed to know about them in the first place, that I have no reason to get mad. His reason for taking them and not telling me about them is because he knew I'd get upset. We've both shared our points of view and to be honest, his makes me disgusted.

[autumnnight]

The OP said a couple of pages back that their Dropbox was hacked last year. That puts a different spin on it.

 

And if I were her, the reason I would be defensive is because people are telling her she is obsessed and warped and glossing completely over the fact that her husband, who is supposed to love and respect her, basically gave the finger to her wishes WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP and did something she has made very clear she didn't want him to do. It doesn't matter WHAT it was. ANY man who would completely ignore something that was important to his wife, SNEAK and do it anyway, and then basically blow off her feelings about it....is not a man.

 

And a person who doesn't get that doesn't really have any business calling the OP warped or paranoid.

 

This is not about pictures. This is a character problem. And boy has the discussion about it been enlightening.

[gaius]

Do you think this is reassuring?

 

Ego and lust over respect and trust

I've always gotten the vibe that you're the type of woman that if your husband had a desire that was twice as out there as nudie pictures you would probably try and meet it in some way. Which means you wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place. And that attitude would be a big part of the reason your marriage has been so successful. That's what a loving relationship between two people is. =/

 

Naked pictures between spouses hasn't even been risque for about 50 years now.

[Selfish]

The only people talking about dropbox are on this website. It isn't even a focus for me and my husband at this point. However, dropbox is the means by which I discovered these photos. At the time I confronted him, he had deleted them off his phone and he said (and I quote) "You were never supposed to know about them." Doesn't make me feel a whole lot better about our marriage or about trusting him.

 

So then the drop box was accidental. The problem is he took a photo of you unknown.

 

That is entirely different then him taking the photos, refusing to delete and distributing them.

 

So if he has had no history of constant self entitlement issues. I would ask yourself and your husband if being right is worth your daughter's family being torn apart.