My husband took nude photos of me without my consent

[Selfish]

The OP said a couple of pages back that their Dropbox was hacked last year. That puts a different spin on it.

 

And if I were her, the reason I would be defensive is because people are telling her she is obsessed and warped and glossing completely over the fact that her husband, who is supposed to love and respect her, basically gave the finger to her wishes WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP and did something she has made very clear she didn't want him to do. It doesn't matter WHAT it was. ANY man who would completely ignore something that was important to his wife, SNEAK and do it anyway, and then basically blow off her feelings about it....is not a man.

 

And a person who doesn't get that doesn't really have any business calling the OP warped or paranoid.

 

This is not about pictures. This is a character problem. And boy has the discussion about it been enlightening.

 

And where have I glossed over it? No I've told her it isn't about her paranoa. A very valid paranoa. Since when is that a bad word? I'm paranoid of certain things because of stuff that has happened to me. Are you? But it isnt what it is about. Some people jumped to some pretty bug conclusions about the whole thing. I dont think the situations needs drama added to it.

 

The upload was accidental. It was how he was caught. They were "hacked" and therefore have hopefully updates their passwords and security questions. Even she said her and him have been talking about the picture taking not the dropbox. That is unimportant.

[xxoo]

I've always gotten the vibe that you're the type of woman that if your husband had a desire that was twice as out there as nudie pictures you would probably try and meet it in some way. Which means you wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place. And that attitude would be a big part of the reason your marriage has been so successful. That's what a loving relationship between two people is. =/

 

Naked pictures between spouses hasn't even been risque for about 50 years now.

 

My outrage was over showing the pics to buddies.

 

I personally don't have any problem with photos kept between my partner and me. Photos I consent to first, of course!

[gaius]

And if I were her, the reason I would be defensive is because people are telling her she is obsessed and warped and glossing completely over the fact that her husband, who is supposed to love and respect her, basically gave the finger to her wishes WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP and did something she has made very clear she didn't want him to do. It doesn't matter WHAT it was. ANY man who would completely ignore something that was important to his wife, SNEAK and do it anyway, and then basically blow off her feelings about it....is not a man.

I think the point that's being missed is she basically did that to him first. She heard a bunch of horror stories about naked pictures so decided that if she gave him any he'd basically screw her over somehow and they'd end up out there somehow in some way. She ignored his wishes and gave him no trust in that area. So they're both guilty in this situation, but she's busy clubbing him over the head with a lawyer and demanding he submit and apologize instead of being empathetic. And he's rightfully not bending to it.

 

I hate to say this, but guys as a whole are such garbage mostly. To find one that's loyal to the point he won't just go out and get naked pictures from another woman when you snub him like that is a rare find. Not to mention one that's also still way into you sexually, even after being married for a while. That has a job and is responsible and everything. That's not easily replaceable. =/

[catapult88]

her husband, who is supposed to love and respect her, basically gave the finger to her wishes WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP and did something she has made very clear she didn't want him to do. It doesn't matter WHAT it was. ANY man who would completely ignore something that was important to his wife, SNEAK and do it anyway, and then basically blow off her feelings about it....is not a man.

 

This is the actual heart of the issue, all of this other stuff people are bickering over is beside the point right now. And I think the overwhelming majority of the posters in this thread understands and agrees with this point.

[gaius]

No Gaius, he didn't delete them, the OP found them on his computer.

 

The issue here is about respect not so much about the pictures.

 

The OP was very clear since they had been dating that she didn't want pictures taken, (her reasons don't matter) so he knew her boundaries and then violated them. That's the problem.

 

Now I have claustrophobia. I don't like flying and if I go to the cinema I like to sit in an aisle seat quite far back, near the exits. I told all my dates this. One guy I dated said he would get tickets for a show in London and we booked a hotel to stay over afterwards. I reminded him that I wanted an aisle seat and he said he'd done that.

When we got into the theatre the seats were not only in the middle of a row they were pretty near the front. I refused to sit there. He said I was an ungrateful b**** and that they were expensive seats with a good view which is what he wanted "so he could see what was going on, onstage".

I walked out, (as I was starting a panic attack by now) went back to the hotel got my case and got a train home.

 

This is the same principle.

I reckoned if he couldn't respect my wishes in this area, then in what other ways would he ride roughshop over my boundaries?

Sadly the OP is in the same position.

That's not the same principle at all. You're not talking about something that's a pretty natural biological behavior between spouses. I don't see him having a sexual need to sit in the middle of a row. He just threw a tantrum when he paid a lot of money for something and you rejected it. Which is a further example of what garbage a lot of guys are, and why she might regret it in the long run if she kills off this relationship.

 

I mean, if you're sick of this guy and looking to get rid of him and using this as a pretense that's one thing, as long as you know that what you're doing is probably going to lead to that.

[elaine567]

Naked pictures between spouses hasn't even been risque for about 50 years now.

 

My outrage was over showing the pics to buddies.

 

I personally don't have any problem with photos kept between my partner and me. Photos I consent to first, of course!

 

I agree, this isn't about naked pictures per se, the OP is not some necessarily some prude, this is about consent, trust and a disregard of clear, previously discussed boundaries.

Even when this has obviously caused his spouse some distress, he rides roughshod over the OPs feelings and refuses to take any responsibility for his sneaky actions.

We all speak about boundaries and how important they are, the OPs boundaries are obviously only firm here, when HE decides to respect them.

That is why this is goes far deeper than some nude pictures.

[bubbaganoosh]

Since he refuses to apologize maybe what you should do is tell him to go live someplace else and not to turn until he can comply with your wishes

[anika99]

I think the point that's being missed is she basically did that to him first. She heard a bunch of horror stories about naked pictures so decided that if she gave him any he'd basically screw her over somehow and they'd end up out there somehow in some way. She ignored his wishes and gave him no trust in that area. So they're both guilty in this situation, but she's busy clubbing him over the head with a lawyer and demanding he submit and apologize instead of being empathetic. And he's rightfully not bending to it.

 

I hate to say this, but guys as a whole are such garbage mostly. To find one that's loyal to the point he won't just go out and get naked pictures from another woman when you snub him like that is a rare find. Not to mention one that's also still way into you sexually, even after being married for a while. That has a job and is responsible and everything. That's not easily replaceable. =/

 

Oh my god. Some of you are making it sound like the OP is a cold heartless b*tch who gives her husband nothing and withholds love and affection from him.

 

 

She has said that she normally bends over backwards to please him both in and out of the bedroom and this is the only request that she would not concede to because it crossed her boundaries and made her feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Are you all seriously saying that when you are married you can no longer have any boundaries and you have to do whatever your spouse requests of you no matter how you feel about that request?

 

 

He took those pictures of her while she was passed out, not in the heat of the moment like someone else suggested, and then told her she was never supposed to find out about it!! And people are ragging on the OP for not trusting this guy?! He did the one thing she had asked him not to do and then kept it a secret from her and she's being told that she is in the wrong. Unbelievable.

[ThaWholigan]

Simple fact is this - OP had a hardline boundary. No nudes. He crossed that boundary after she expressly laid out that boundary numerous times. No wonder OP is pissed. No matter how "trivial" any of us might think it is, it's important to her and that the husband not only crossed the boundary and is completely unrepentant and dismissive of his wife's concerns and boundaries is key.

 

I wouldn't advise making any decisions right now OP, but I think you're handling this OK so far. I'm a man, but if my wife crossed a hard boundary of mine that I repeatedly asserted, I'd be pissed too. Give him a chance to repent, and whatever happens is up to you. I would say the same to a guy in the same situation - if she took nudes of him when he expressly forbade, he'd be right to be pissed.

[Selfish]

Oh my god. Some of you are making it sound like the OP is a cold heartless b*tch who gives her husband nothing and withholds love and affection from him.

 

 

She has said that she normally bends over backwards to please him both in and out of the bedroom and this is the only request that she would not concede to because it crossed her boundaries and made her feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Are you all seriously saying that when you are married you can no longer have any boundaries and you have to do whatever your spouse requests of you no matter how you feel about that request?

 

 

He took those pictures of her while she was passed out, not in the heat of the moment like someone else suggested, and then told her she was never supposed to find out about it!! And people are ragging on the OP for not trusting this guy?! He did the one thing she had asked him not to do and then kept it a secret from her and she's being told that she is in the wrong. Unbelievable.

I agree that it was wrong with what he did. But as she has not clarified what sort of husband he has been and then changed her story to say she bends over backwards for him sexually and dropped the other part I am unsure if she sees his behaviour as a pattern. or him simply snapping a picture because he thought she was hot (and rereading the ops post hadnt discussed this since dating), realized she would be mad as hell and deleted it and then forgot about pesky dropbox syncing. Once caught he got defensive (who doesn?).

 

Basically, i think he was wrong. But without knowing exactly how the confrontation went I'm not sure why he reacted as he did. Like ive said. He either has self entitlement issues and this has been building or... He is being stubborn. Or who knows what.

[Selfish]

Simple fact is this - OP had a hardline boundary. No nudes. He crossed that boundary after she expressly laid out that boundary numerous times. No wonder OP is pissed. No matter how "trivial" any of us might think it is, it's important to her and that the husband not only crossed the boundary and is completely unrepentant and dismissive of his wife's concerns and boundaries is key.

 

I wouldn't advise making any decisions right now OP, but I think you're handling this OK so far. I'm a man, but if my wife crossed a hard boundary of mine that I repeatedly asserted, I'd be pissed too. Give him a chance to repent, and whatever happens is up to you. I would say the same to a guy in the same situation - if she took nudes of him when he expressly forbade, he'd be right to be pissed.

After rereading the OP it seems it was during dating she turned him down. So I think he handled this poorly? Yes. Do I think he was probably being impetious, possibly. My concern is over his lack of empathy. I understand the photo.

[gaius]

Oh my god. Some of you are making it sound like the OP is a cold heartless b*tch who gives her husband nothing and withholds love and affection from him.

 

She has said that she normally bends over backwards to please him both in and out of the bedroom and this is the only request that she would not concede to because it crossed her boundaries and made her feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Are you all seriously saying that when you are married you can no longer have any boundaries and you have to do whatever your spouse requests of you no matter how you feel about that request?

 

He took those pictures of her while she was passed out, not in the heat of the moment like someone else suggested, and then told her she was never supposed to find out about it!! And people are ragging on the OP for not trusting this guy?! He did the one thing she had asked him not to do and then kept it a secret from her and she's being told that she is in the wrong. Unbelievable.

You really think someone who's running off to a lawyer because her husband took a picture of her, and then deleted it before she even found out, is one that's really bending over backwards to please? I mean, come on now. =/ I've never heard of anything like that. We're only hearing one side of the story so you have to kind of read between the lines.

 

One of my ex's HATED even regular pictures being taken of her, but she was the kind of girl who was warm and loving so she'd let me take one on rare occasion. And that's the kind of stuff that wins the heart of a guy, and makes him want to please you as well. Basically telling him to go f himself and not even giving an inch when he brings up something that probably at least 75% of couples do and is pretty tame only invites your partner to return that kind of disrespect.

 

Not really looking to spend all day in this thread so I'll just say again, you're probably going to destroy the relationship you have with this guy if you keep up that attitude web. =/ Even if you finally win and beat him into apologizing any warmth he has for you is probably going to dim quite a bit, which I'm sure will have consequences in the long run. Just make sure that's what you want before you do.

[compulsivedancer]

I want to weigh in, but without actually being there for the ins and outs of the couple's relationships, it is really tough. The problem is, I can put myself in both spouse's shoes. I think they both acted unreasonably and made it hard on the other spouse.

 

But to me the trouble is the stupid way both spouses are handling this issue. He's refusing to apologize; she's going nuclear. Idiotic, unless there are other problems in the relationship that warrant a divorce.

 

Where is the compromise, the compassion, the empathy - the love? All the things that are supposed to define a marriage. Neither side is showing either. They are breaking up....over nude photos? Really!?!

 

Most couples would handle this with a couple days of shouting, intermixed with tearful embraces, promises to be more reasonable and understanding, and new boundary lines that give them both a little leeway (e.g. I'll send you nudie pics on snapchat, but you aren't allowed to keep them).

 

Clearly there are other issues here. If this is the line in the sand for both spouses, and they are going to go to court over this, both of them need to enroll in counseling ASAP.

[compulsivedancer]

Btw, my parents broke up supposedly over porn use. Supposedly.

 

The reality of the situation was that I can't remember a time they were happy. Porn was a huge no-no for my very conservative mother, so she went nuclear when she discovered it. She thought she'd force him into counseling and he'd change his ways. She'd finally get what she needed out of him in order to turn him into the kind of husband she wanted (the kind of husband he was not capable of being).

 

Instead, he went and found an apartment and moved out. He took her at her word. To this day, she can't figure out what went wrong and is very hurt that he up and left. So what if she told him she wanted a divorce!

Edited February 21, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[elaine567]

Btw, my parents broke up supposedly over porn use. Supposedly.

 

The reality of the situation was that I can't remember a time they were happy. Porn was a huge no-no for my very conservative mother, so she went nuclear when she discovered it. She thought she'd force him into counseling and he'd change his ways. She'd finally get what she needed out of him in order to turn him into the kind of husband she wanted (the kind of husband he was not capable of being).

 

Instead, he went and found an apartment and moved out. He took her at her word. To this day, she can't figure out what went wrong and is very hurt that he up and left. So what if she told him she wanted a divorce?

 

Yes but she I guess saw porn use as cheating and a betrayal of her.

She mentioned divorce as an indication of how hurt she was and how seriously she viewed his porn use.

She really wanted him to apologise and tell her he loved and adored her and she was the sexiest woman alive, but he up and left...

That is why she was even more hurt.

[newmoon]

it's lack of respect. he doesn't respect you, he doesn't admire your body. he's just doing what he wants for his own satisfaction, and he'd do it to any other woman he was with as well. so, people saying it's out of love and admiration are whack. he can see you naked any time he wants, i assume, so it's beyond admiration and into something else. why even forgive this? just divorce and move on. all these calls for forgiveness and working it out? that never works, because this type of stuff ruins trust, and it doesn't come back. i'm all about forgiving someone when they forget to pick up milk at the store or put gas in the car, but when someone steps all over personal boundaries, no way. is that a quality man? a quality father? why even stay.

[hoping2heal]

Anyone fked with my career like that and it would be an extremely difficult bridge to cross.

 

It's bad enough that he did it without consent but what really adds insult to injury is that he put it in dropbox/cloud - which has been in the headlines oh I don't know HOW many umpteen times this year for hacking issues. He very STUPIDLY - sorry for the strong language but it is just sheer thoughtless STUPIDITY that he would put them in online storage. It is not just a risk of humiliation and embarassment (which is bad enough) but this could cost you a career if it ever got out and that's what the big, fat, flippen deal is. Your husband is being an utter idiot to be so blase when he risked you that way.

 

I'll admit this post is high with emotion but my blood just boiled.

[compulsivedancer]

Yes but she I guess saw porn use as cheating and a betrayal of her.

She mentioned divorce as an indication of how hurt she was and how seriously she viewed his porn use.

She really wanted him to apologise and tell her he loved and adored her and she was the sexiest woman alive, but he up and left...

That is why she was even more hurt.

 

Of course she wanted all of those things. Of course that was how she felt.

 

But the porn wasn't the cause of their problems. It was a last straw. If it had been the only problem (and it wasn't an addition-level issue, which I don't think it was), this would have been absolutely ridiculous.

 

And going nuclear didn't get her needs met, unless her need was to get rid of her husband.

 

And in the long run, they are both happier being divorced. But if the OP is getting divorced over the photos, she shouldn't kid herself and say this was the reason. And if it really is the main or only reason, I feel really sad for her and think she could use some help.

[catapult88]

he doesn't admire your body. he's just doing what he wants for his own satisfaction, and he'd do it to any other woman he was with as well. so, people saying it's out of love and admiration are whack. he can see you naked any time he wants, i assume, so it's beyond admiration and into something else.

 

The only part of this that is true is "he's just doing what he wants for his own satisfaction". The rest is complete conjecture that you have no idea about.

[elaine567]

You really think someone who's running off to a lawyer because her husband took a picture of her, and then deleted it before she even found out, is one that's really bending over backwards to please? I mean, come on now. =/ I've never heard of anything like that. We're only hearing one side of the story so you have to kind of read between the lines.

 

One of my ex's HATED even regular pictures being taken of her, but she was the kind of girl who was warm and loving so she'd let me take one on rare occasion. And that's the kind of stuff that wins the heart of a guy, and makes him want to please you as well. Basically telling him to go f himself and not even giving an inch when he brings up something that probably at least 75% of couples do and is pretty tame only invites your partner to return that kind of disrespect.

 

Not really looking to spend all day in this thread so I'll just say again, you're probably going to destroy the relationship you have with this guy if you keep up that attitude web. =/ Even if you finally win and beat him into apologizing any warmth he has for you is probably going to dim quite a bit, which I'm sure will have consequences in the long run. Just make sure that's what you want before you do.

 

Yes but in another thread you said you took sneaky pics of your gf too - non-naked, but sneaky pics all the same.Old thread topic - Girlfriend took photos of me naked without consent. I'm weirded out. - post 38

Perhaps you are just trying to justify your own actions in the past, rather than looking at this topic dispassionately.

[compulsivedancer]

hoping2heal, I work in public schools too, and she has NOTHING to worry about. Seriously, paranoia. Unless he's actively sharing his dropbox info with friends, the chance of her getting hacked AND anyone caring enough about these photos to do anything that would be destructive to her career is laughable.

 

A certain amount of paranoia when you work in schools is warranted, but saying that he is f*cking with her career is just silly.

[anika99]

That's not the same principle at all. You're not talking about something that's a pretty natural biological behavior between spouses. I don't see him having a sexual need to sit in the middle of a row. He just threw a tantrum when he paid a lot of money for something and you rejected it. Which is a further example of what garbage a lot of guys are, and why she might regret it in the long run if she kills off this relationship.

 

I mean, if you're sick of this guy and looking to get rid of him and using this as a pretense that's one thing, as long as you know that what you're doing is probably going to lead to that.

 

 

The OP's husband doesn't have a need for naked photo's of his wife, he had a desire for them and yes I do think spouses should do their best to fulfill their SO's sexual desires UNLESS that request causes mental and/or emotional distress to the one being asked to fulfill those desires. Do you really think it's okay that this husband not only ignored his wifes feelings on this matter but the forced her to meet his desire for these naked photos by taking them while she was asleep and unable to consent? And that she is wrong to be angry and protest?

[elaine567]

hoping2heal, I work in public schools too, and she has NOTHING to worry about. Seriously, paranoia. Unless he's actively sharing his dropbox info with friends, the chance of her getting hacked AND anyone caring enough about these photos to do anything that would be destructive to her career is laughable.

 

A certain amount of paranoia when you work in schools is warranted, but saying that he is f*cking with her career is just silly.

 

Yes, but here we do not know whether he has already shared the Dropbox pics with friends or if his intention was to later share the pics with friends.

Dropbox being hacked and viral pics being sent around the world is a red herring here and yes, highly unlikely, but the pics being passed around in the husband's friend group my not be so unlikely, nor would he be incapable of making trouble or causing embarrassment at her work, if he chose to go down that route.

[newmoon]

The only part of this that is true is "he's just doing what he wants for his own satisfaction". The rest is complete conjecture that you have no idea about.

 

not really. people usually have a history when it comes to stuff like this. it's likely he's done it before with someone else and that is why he's always bugging on her to pose for him as well. they have only been together 3 years if i read it right. but the OP would know if it's conjecture and not you, unless you know him?

[Selfish]

Yes, but here we do not know whether he has already shared the Dropbox pics with friends or if his intention was to later share the pics with friends.

Dropbox being hacked and viral pics being sent around the world is a red herring here and yes, highly unlikely, but the pics being passed around in the husband's friend group my not be so unlikely, nor would he be incapable of making trouble or causing embarrassment at her work, if he chose to go down that route.

 

Actually we "know" what the OP told us. He wasn't aware it uploaded to dropbox and deleted the one off his phone. If he planned to share it logically (if your into that sort of thing) he would have kept and hid the one on his phone and deleted the deopbox one (where he knows she has a login). You are making this far more dramatic and malisous than even the OP. I would suggest you reread her posts before adding unsupported info.