My husband took nude photos of me without my consent

[xxoo]

And people wonder why people have affairs? Being so obstinate on such a petty issue as this is where relationships are ruined long term.

 

What is petty about sneakily betraying your partner's trust?

 

Can a loving relationship that meets needs not include personal boundaries regarding images of ones own body?

 

What is need and what is neediness?

[Realist3]

What's petty to you does not mean it's petty to all others.

 

To her, it real and hurtful and disrespectful on so many levels.

 

He didn't care about her feelings. He didn't respect her wishes.

 

To him, snagging some nudies was more important than protecting his wife's trust in her husband and her ability to feel valued and their union.

 

He screwed up. Got caught. Refuses to accept how she feels.

 

Pack his bag yet?

 

I will say it again, proportionality. if she is upset about it, that is within her right. Going to see an attorney about something so minor is overboard. Changing locks is overboard. Her whole reaction to this is overboard.

 

Some day in the near future when she discovers her husband has been sleeping with someone else she can point back to instances just like this(because I'm sure it is not the only one) and congratulate herself.

[hoping2heal]

I would suggest you go back and re-read. That is not what has happened AT ALL!

 

I have read. I am aware that is not what happened YET. The problem is that it COULD happen. She said her job is in education this just amplifies the risk. Hackings are common and regular. Taking a risk like that with someone else's hard work and life is thoughtless and stupid and the consequences to OP should there be a worse case scenario are not pretty.

[elaine567]

And people wonder why people have affairs? Being so obstinate on such a petty issue as this is where relationships are ruined long term.

 

The relationship may or may not be ruined, but how is that any justification for him having an affair?

So just because she is calling him out for his unreasonable behaviour, then he is entitled to an affair??? Is that really what you are saying?

 

And his obstinacy? His breach of her trust? That's OK is it?

 

Just grin and bear it ladies, otherwise your husband will go off and cheat on you...

[hoping2heal]

I will say it again, proportionality. if she is upset about it, that is within her right. Going to see an attorney about something so minor is overboard. Changing locks is overboard. Her whole reaction to this is overboard.

 

Some day in the near future when she discovers her husband has been sleeping with someone else she can point back to instances just like this(because I'm sure it is not the only one) and congratulate herself.

 

If her husband is the type of man who has to have an affair because his wife has a rational, reasonable and SMART reason for not wanting him to take nude photos then she could only stand to benefit from losing that type of a person as a husband.

[Realist3]

If her husband is the type of man who has to have an affair because his wife has a rational, reasonable and SMART reason for not wanting him to take nude photos then she could only stand to benefit from losing that type of a person as a husband.

 

 

I wish he could read this thread, so he would divorce her before it came to that.

[gaius]

If her husband is the type of man who has to have an affair because his wife has a rational, reasonable and SMART reason for not wanting him to take nude photos then she could only stand to benefit from losing that type of a person as a husband.

But she doesn't have a reason that meets any of those standards, that's the main issue I think. As I said before there are plenty of ways to do something along those lines that doesn't put her at risk career wise. And people are saying that she shouldn't if it causes trauma or something like that but she never claimed anything along those lines. It's all about the career apparently.

 

The only way you can really defend it is to twist what she said, or take an argument that just isn't true at it's face. I don't think there are too many people out there that would be all that happy if their partner declined to meet one of their needs and then gave them an excuse that didn't make any sense as to why.

[Realist3]

This whole thread has nothing to do with photos, it has to do with power and control issues that are unresolved.

[xxoo]

He intentionally broke her trust for the benefit of his own pleasure and whim.

 

In doing so, he may have broken the marriage irreparably. He could fix this if he showed some understanding and remorse about his actions. But as long as he insists he's done nothing wrong, the marriage may be toast whether they stay married or not.

 

And if he would cheat over her hurt response, he is simply a lousy husband.

[loveboid]

Divorce him.

[xxoo]

This whole thread has nothing to do with photos, it has to do with power and control issues that are unresolved.

 

Control over images of her own nude body.

 

How is this an issue where he has ANY basis to claim power and control?

[truncated]

This is the first paragraph of the thread

 

"Okay, I'm losing it. I'm so upset that I'm shaking like a mad woman. My husband (back when we were dating) had often asked about me posing for nude (or semi-nude) photographs. I declined, every time. I work in the public school system and for me there are just WAY too many horror stories of photos leaking and people's lives being ruined."

 

This means that her atitude is not new and she has always felt this way, and he married her knowing that.

 

He sounds like a petulant child, not a man. A real man would approach the subject head on and try and find a comprimise that would suit both. For example, perhaps he could use a digital camera, take the photos, print a copy for himslef and then they delete the orginals together. That way, she'd feel more secure, he'd have what he wanted, and both would have been happy.

 

Instead, he chose to sneak and go behind her back, doing something she explicitly told her not to do. How can she trust him anymore? How can she trust what he will do with the photos now that he has them? He's shown that he will go behind he back, why would she trust him now?

[ThaWholigan]

But she doesn't have a reason that meets any of those standards, that's the main issue I think. As I said before there are plenty of ways to do something along those lines that doesn't put her at risk career wise. And people are saying that she shouldn't if it causes trauma or something like that but she never claimed anything along those lines. It's all about the career apparently.

 

The only way you can really defend it is to twist what she said, or take an argument that just isn't true at it's face. I don't think there are too many people out there that would be all that happy if their partner declined to meet one of their needs and then gave them an excuse that didn't make any sense as to why.

Well he shouldn't have married her then, because it seems like this was a "need" she was not going to fulfill before they ever tied the knot.

 

I'm not sure how you can defend this dude to be honest - no matter how "irrational" you think OP is being, a boundary was crossed that she basically laid down from very early on. Crossing it and it ending up in a dropbox online - and I'm aware it's not the same as uploading it onto a random website on the internet but it's still not the best place to store something if you work as a teacher and I should know because sh*t like this happened to teachers in my school - is grounds for this type of reaction.

 

I think had the husband not been so dismissive of her concerns and expressed some kind of regret, there wouldn't be any attorney visits or locks on the door. Whether you're a man or a woman, you gotta pick your battles. This is the wrong time to not yield IMO.

[Realist3]

Control over images of her own nude body.

 

How is this an issue where he has ANY basis to claim power and control?

 

What did I just say? I said it has nothing to do with photos/images.

[truncated]

I COULD die in a car wreck today. Guess what, I'm going to get into a car. I would argue that the chance of my dying in an auto accident are about 1000 times higher than the chance of her photos being hacked and spread all over the internet. Hackings are not common and regular at all.

 

Her job???? She's a teacher, not a world leader. Nobody gives two hoots about her naked photos.

 

You don't get it at all.

 

In the car example. You might get into the car, because you would be making the decision to put yourslef at risk. What he did amounts to taking her and putting her in the car even though she made it clear she didn't wnat to go . She didn't want to take that risk.

 

He has no right to force her to assume a risk she clearly told him she didn't want to take. Whetehr her fear is rational or not is irreleveant.

[Realist3]

I don't see anyone defending his actions. What I do see are people questioning her rationality in response to the incident.

[Realist3]

You don't get it at all.

 

In the car example. You might get into the car, because you would be making the decision to put yourslef at risk. What he did amounts to taking her and putting her in the car even though she made it clear she didn't wnat to go . She didn't want to take that risk.

 

He has no right to force her to assume a risk she clearly told him she didn't want to take. Whetehr her fear is rational or not is irreleveant.

 

There is no risk. The risk is all made up in her head.

 

https://www.dropbox.com/en/help/27

[xxoo]

I don't see anyone defending his actions. What I do see are people questioning her rationality in response to the incident.

 

But her response warrants cheating. Ok.

 

There is no way forward for her to go if he does not admit any wrongdoing. She can only assume that he'll do it again, which puts her in a very difficult position if she chooses to stay married to him.

[autumnnight]

And people wonder why people have affairs? Being so obstinate on such a petty issue as this is where relationships are ruined long term.

 

So if someone you claimed to love and respect repeated asked you NOT to do something, you'd say it was fine to just disregard it and do it anyway? That speaks volumes.

[gaius]

Well he shouldn't have married her then, because it seems like this was a "need" she was not going to fulfill before they ever tied the knot.

 

I'm not sure how you can defend this dude to be honest - no matter how "irrational" you think OP is being, a boundary was crossed that she basically laid down from very early on. Crossing it and it ending up in a dropbox online - and I'm aware it's not the same as uploading it onto a random website on the internet but it's still not the best place to store something if you work as a teacher and I should know because sh*t like this happened to teachers in my school - is grounds for this type of reaction.

 

I think had the husband not been so dismissive of her concerns and expressed some kind of regret, there wouldn't be any attorney visits or locks on the door. Whether you're a man or a woman, you gotta pick your battles. This is the wrong time to not yield IMO.

I don't think it was part of his master plan to upload it there, as he obviously knew she had access and went on there. So I think you have to take it in the context that he basically snapped a picture of her and then deleted it. Without her even finding out about it.

 

And you're right, he shouldn't have married her but she also knew that was something he was very interested in and she married him too. I doubt he really cares much anymore about keeping her at this point, the damage is probably done already. Maybe all this is just serving the purpose he wanted from the beginning.

[autumnnight]

I hope to God I never have the misfortune to meet and marry a man who thinks I am an idiot and any wish I have can be dismissed at will....and that I am the problem if a get upset.

 

In other words, I hope I do not ever meet, fall in love with, and marry a selfish boy.

[Rainbowlove]

There is no risk. The risk is all made up in her head.

 

https://www.dropbox.com/en/help/27

 

It's not about risk.

 

It's about lies. It's about not honoring her wishes. It's about being violated by her husband. It's about loss of trust.

 

What else is he hiding from her?

 

Why were his need more important than hers?

 

Toothbrush in a bag yet?

[autumnnight]

It is, however, interesting that most of the people berating the OP are either cheaters or men (and I am not really going off on men because there are some men who understand the idea of respect). So maybe it all boils down to how people view boundaries.

[gaius]

It's not about risk.

 

It's about lies. It's about not honoring her wishes. It's about being violated by her husband. It's about loss of trust.

 

What else is he hiding from her?

 

Why were his need more important than hers?

 

Toothbrush in a bag yet?

You know, I was reading your very eloquent breakdown of what happened in your personal life the other day. With your wife and the affair. And you gave a very well spoken account of how both of you kind of wronged the other and it led to the situation it led to. And I see the same thing here really, I don't know how not attending to his sexual desires is all that different from her not attending to your needs when it came to sharing responsibility in the home.

 

I don't get it, should your wife have just clubbed you over the head with a lawyer and never spoken to you again?

[gaius]

It is, however, interesting that most of the people berating the OP are either cheaters or men (and I am not really going off on men because there are some men who understand the idea of respect). So maybe it all boils down to how people view boundaries.

It's kind of curious to me that a lot of the women supporting web would never even do what she did in the first place, and that's the reason they have successful marriages. It's like a sisterhood going on that will stick together no matter what.