My husband took nude photos of me without my consent

[autumnnight]

It's kind of curious to me that a lot of the women supporting web would never even do what she did in the first place, and that's the reason they have successful marriages. It's like a sisterhood going on that will stick together no matter what.

 

For the record, I am not against nude photography. I have sent photos of myself to an SO before and have allowed them to be taken. I also understand cyber safety and security out of necessity.

 

The issue to me has nothing to do with pictures between two spouses. The issue is she made her boundary clear and he not only crossed it, he SNUCK to cross it, and when she expressed her hurt, he basically blew her off and disregarded her feelings. A man who does that, no matter the issue, is an ass. Oh, and a woman who does that is an ass too.

[Realist3]

But her response warrants cheating. Ok.

 

There is no way forward for her to go if he does not admit any wrongdoing. She can only assume that he'll do it again, which puts her in a very difficult position if she chooses to stay married to him.

 

I never said it warranted anything. I simply asked a rhetorical question, which spoke to a bigger issue inside relationships. These petty instances taken to the inth degree are the ones that are damaging to the relationship down the road.

 

Anyone who has ever been married knows there are 1000's upon 1000's of issues that come up. And anyone that has been married knows that you pick and choose your battles. If she wants to make this issue her deal breaker, then she is going to be in for a long long road.

[Realist3]

It's not about risk.

 

It's about lies. It's about not honoring her wishes. It's about being violated by her husband. It's about loss of trust.

 

What else is he hiding from her?

 

Why were his need more important than hers?

 

Toothbrush in a bag yet?

 

So you too agree with me that this is not about photos or risk. Good.

 

I never defended his actions.

[truncated]

he married her knowing she would not go for this sort of thing. It's not like she was okay with it and suddenly changed her mind.

 

So many times I've seen people complain about "bait and switch" when someone gets married. She was explcitly clear about this boundary before they were married, he still married her, which sends the message " okay, i won;t do that and I will still love you and be happy'. Now that he's married he crosses that boundary he pretended to accept and she's supposed to be okay with that?

 

He could have chosen so many ways to adress he issue with her, yet he chose the one that involved going behind her back.

[violet1]

And people wonder why people have affairs? Being so obstinate on such a petty issue as this is where relationships are ruined long term.

Any trained therapist would disagree with you on that one. My therapist specifically told my H and I that we need to listen to each others needs. If we don't agree then we need to negotiate until we find a common ground. The OP specifically told him that she doesn't want nude pictures taken of her. The reasons are irrelevant. She feels strongly about it. Therefore, he shouldn't have taken the photo of her. Because of his choices, she will not feel comfortable sleeping nude in her own home. That's a problem. She might even question how many times has he done this. Also a problem. The H is not posting so we don't know his side or what his needs are. Who knows? The OP might have compromised by letting him take a pic of her in sexy attire. He violated her trust and now they have to start from square one if the marriage is going to be fixed.

[compulsivedancer]

Divorce him.

 

Holy crap, people on this forum always jump to divorce!

 

Sit down and have a rational conversation with him. If that doesn't work, sit down with a counselor/mediator and have a rational conversation with him. Take a few days and cool down. Have some hot angry sex.

 

Then reevaluate. See if you can come to an agreement.

 

Don't just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Then what happens when something truly awful comes along?

[Ralph79]

Reading the OP's post, aside from what has already been obviously pointed out about trust, and boundaries and privacy, the biggest issue I see here as well is:

 

Blackmail.

 

How can the OP ever trust this guy not to betray her using those photos? How many more could he have taken in the past without her consent? He could have other accounts. I wouldn't trust anything at this point anymore.

 

And the simple thought that if ANYTHING goes wrong in my marriage in the future, weather through fault of her own or not, knowing he has very damaging pictures which he acquired illegally against her consent, would seriously make me want to consider seeing a lawyer about my rights.

 

I wonder if the OP's husband would be willing to let her take a picture of him holding another man's wiener as if he were about to kiss it... just in case, as a precautionary safeguard against what he has.

 

I really doubt he would.

[elaine567]

Holy crap, people on this forum always jump to divorce!

 

Sit down and have a rational conversation with him. If that doesn't work, sit down with a counselor/mediator and have a rational conversation with him. Take a few days and cool down. Have some hot angry sex.

 

Then reevaluate. See if you can come to an agreement.

 

Don't just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Then what happens when something truly awful comes along?

 

He will never decide he's sorry. We just had a two+ hour conversation on this subject and again according to him, he "did nothing wrong." He has every right to photograph me whenever and however he wants.

 

Seems he is adamant and entitled.

[truncated]

Any trained therapist would disagree with you on that one. My therapist specifically told my H and I that we need to listen to each others needs. If we don't agree then we need to negotiate until we find a common ground. The OP specifically told him that she doesn't want nude pictures taken of her. The reasons are irrelevant. She feels strongly about it. Therefore, he shouldn't have taken the photo of her. Because of his choices, she will not feel comfortable sleeping nude in her own home. That's a problem. She might even question how many times has he done this. Also a problem. The H is not posting so we don't know his side or what his needs are. Who knows? The OP might have compromised by letting him take a pic of her in sexy attire. He violated her trust and now they have to start from square one if the marriage is going to be fixed.

 

 

For the sake of argument, say it wasn't nude pictures.

 

Let's say he was a strict vegan, and she knew that before they got married. She tried to get him to eat meat, but he made it clear he didn't want to. She agreed to marry him, and all seemed well. Thigs are going along seemingly well, and then one day he finds out that she's gone against his wishes and included meat in the meals she was making for the two of them without telling him. He found on on his own.

 

He talked to her about it, and she was dsmissive of his thoughts and feelings.

 

How would he feel? Likely he would find her very hard to trust her, and what sort of relationship can there be when there is no trust. He'll always wonder what she is doing behind his back.

[elaine567]

Hey, if this guy was willing to disrespect his own wife by taking the kind of pictures she always had refused him to take, on what grounds would you think this man would have the moral standards to not post them online just to spite her, in case she ever wants a divorce?

 

Seriously?

 

"Revenge porn" is an increasing issue.

Revenge porn - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[loveboid]

Don't just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Then what happens when something truly awful comes along?

 

This isn't the first sign of trouble, I can guarantee you that. The first in my mind is him asking over and over for nude pics of her when she kept saying no and had her profession as a good reason.

 

Yeah exactly, and when something truly awful comes along, who has her back? This guy? I don't think so.

 

Somewhere he learned disrespecting her for his sexual needs is okay. If he wants her happy he's gotta unlearn it. Unfortunately, this lesson won't be from her. Men mostly unlearn this behavior from other men, if they ever unlearn it at all.

[HereNorThere]

I work in the computer security industry. This is what I do for a living, what I've spent my whole life studying. Trust me, the security concerns with phones and cloud storage are no laughing matter. Look at this way, there are very few doors that a locksmith can't open.

 

I don't hack because it would be career suicide and I don't particularly like the idea of prison, but if I want your ****, I can have it. Password protected phone, no problem. Dropbox, that's child's play. I can think of 10 different ways off the top of my head to get access to it. Look at the fappening last year with 100s of celebrities with leaked photos, photos they had long deleted. Those guys figured out an exploit with find my phone that allowed them to get a copy of the password hash (called iBrute). Once you have that, you run a brute force attack or dictionary attack against it until you get the password. Once you have the password, you go through the previous backup versions until you find what you want. Apple was informed and knew about this exploit for a long time and didn't take it seriously until 100s of high profile people were violated. Yup, for a long time iCloud was wide open to any hacker with minimal hacking skills. Literally, anyone could pull this off. You didn't even have to backup your photo stream, because the regular phone backup pulls the camera roll. That's why the celebrities were unaware the photos even still existed. There's tons of programs that will extract them from this backup file.

 

And don't even get me started on Android. Hacking Android is much more simple than iOS because it allows app side loading. I don't have to jailbreak/root it to get access, because the programs don't have to be signed like an Apple device.

 

If you have something on an internet enabled device, it's on the internet. Even if you have it locked, I can pick the lock. And if I can't, I know who can. I know where to look to find what I need. Your stuff on the internet is not safe, I promise. There are huge government budgets devoted to finding these exploits. Whole communities who do nothing but spend all day thinking about how to beat the system. Have two factor authentication? That's okay, they'll just redirect the SMS message to another account to get the code. Think law enforcement can trace them back to an IP address? There's a million hackable wireless signals, throw in a no records VPN service bought anonymously with bitcoins, maybe the TOR network if you're super paranoid and they leave no trace. If you're device is encrypted, they'll just exploit the key. If you know what you're doing it's easy.

 

I'm not saying this to scare anyone, but I KNOW people don't take this seriously. Every company has been hacked. And if they haven't, they will be. Not everyone hacks for profit, a lot of people do it for the "lulz." A teacher would be a particularly high profile target because kids are dangerous with type of thing. They don't understand the magnitude of the federal crime of unauthorized use of a computer system and the hefty mandatory minimum prison sentence it carries. The information is out there and quite frankly, it's just not that hard.

 

In my field, we are constantly balancing the security vs. functionality question. Truthfully, we could make the internet extremely less vulnerable, but people don't take us seriously and would rather make things easier to use vs. safer and more secure. Until people decide that the extra hassle is worth it, we just have to set back and watch everyone get screwed. It's a rather helpless feeling sometimes, but I do know I will always be employable.

[SmartDude]

I spent the afternoon with my lawyer, who says otherwise. Taking the pictures is not illegal, but the uploading them to the internet (ie. dropbox, cloud, etc.) whether intentional or not is. He went from being an inappropriate creep to committing an illegal activity simply by having his phone linked to dropbox.

 

Am I intending to press charges? Probably not. However, I do want to know my legal rights, as I figure out my next steps.

 

And this is why men should not marry....

"Oh what! you take pictures of me while I was past out drunk, divorce!"

What actual harm was done? Perhaps it would be easier to get over this event rather than make it into a life changing event.

 

I did not read all the other posts, probably missed something meh whatever.

[HereNorThere]

For the sake of argument, say it wasn't nude pictures.

 

Let's say he was a strict vegan, and she knew that before they got married. She tried to get him to eat meat, but he made it clear he didn't want to. She agreed to marry him, and all seemed well. Thigs are going along seemingly well, and then one day he finds out that she's gone against his wishes and included meat in the meals she was making for the two of them without telling him. He found on on his own.

 

He talked to her about it, and she was dsmissive of his thoughts and feelings.

 

How would he feel? Likely he would find her very hard to trust her, and what sort of relationship can there be when there is no trust. He'll always wonder what she is doing behind his back.

 

 

Did you just compare sneaking a vegan meat to being violated sexually and finding the evidence in your partner's internet account? Srsly?

[truncated]

I work in the computer security industry. This is what I do for a living, what I've spent my whole life studying. Trust me, the security concerns with phones and cloud storage are no laughing matter. Look at this way, there are very few doors that a locksmith can't open.

 

I don't hack because it would be career suicide and I don't particularly like the idea of prison, but if I want your ****, I can have it. Password protected phone, no problem. Dropbox, that's child's play. I can think of 10 different ways off the top of my head to get access to it. Look at the fappening last year with 100s of celebrities with leaked photos, photos they had long deleted. Those guys figured out an exploit with find my phone that allowed them to get a copy of the password hash (called iBrute). Once you have that, you run a brute force attack or dictionary attack against it until you get the password. Once you have the password, you go through the previous backup versions until you find what you want. Apple was informed and knew about this exploit for a long time and didn't take it seriously until 100s of high profile people were violated. Yup, for a long time iCloud was wide open to any hacker with minimal hacking skills. Literally, anyone could pull this off. You didn't even have to backup your photo stream, because the regular phone backup pulls the camera roll. That's why the celebrities were unaware the photos even still existed. There's tons of programs that will extract them from this backup file.

 

And don't even get me started on Android. Hacking Android is much more simple than iOS because it allows app side loading. I don't have to jailbreak/root it to get access, because the programs don't have to be signed like an Apple device.

 

If you have something on an internet enabled device, it's on the internet. Even if you have it locked, I can pick the lock. And if I can't, I know who can. I know where to look to find what I need. Your stuff on the internet is not safe, I promise. There are huge government budgets devoted to finding these exploits. Whole communities who do nothing but spend all day thinking about how to beat the system. Have two factor authentication? That's okay, they'll just redirect the SMS message to another account to get the code. Think law enforcement can trace them back to an IP address? There's a million hackable wireless signals, throw in a no records VPN service bought anonymously with bitcoins, maybe the TOR network if you're super paranoid and they leave no trace. If you're device is encrypted, they'll just exploit the key. If you know what you're doing it's easy.

 

I'm not saying this to scare anyone, but I KNOW people don't take this seriously. Every company has been hacked. And if they haven't, they will be. Not everyone hacks for profit, a lot of people do it for the "lulz." A teacher would be a particularly high profile target because kids are dangerous with type of thing. They don't understand the magnitude of the federal crime of unauthorized use of a computer system and the hefty mandatory minimum prison sentence it carries. The information is out there and quite frankly, it's just not that hard.

 

In my field, we are constantly balancing the security vs. functionality question. Truthfully, we could make the internet extremely less vulnerable, but people don't take us seriously and would rather make things easier to use vs. safer and more secure. Until people decide that the extra hassle is worth it, we just have to set back and watch everyone get screwed. It's a rather helpless feeling sometimes, but I do know I will always be employable.

 

 

My husband is employed by the military as an IT expert, and I asked him about the security of cloud based systems and dropboxes. He got a hearty laugh out of it.

 

That's why they don't use iphones ( we're not american, so I don't know what that military uses) instead they use Blackberry, which is supposed to be a bit more secure.

 

I'm not any sort of tech expert at all, but from what i understand, if you can build it, it can be hacked. ( last time I got hack ed was by soemthing called the "syrian electronic army"...whatever that is. Boy did they hack the wrong person...I lead a very boring life:laugh:)

 

The thing is that whether or not his dropbox can be hacked, or his wife is being completely irrational is not the point. She made her view clear right from the get go, and he disrespected that. Would he be okay with her disrespecting his sense of personal privacy?

[truncated]

Did you just compare sneaking a vegan meat to being violated sexually and finding the evidence in your partner's internet account? Srsly?

 

I agree with you.

 

I'm trying to find a comparison taht would make the point about how it doesn;t matter how whether he agrees with her views or not. , and that was the best I could come up with. Sorry

 

Some people seem to feel her reasons not to be photographed as irrational or silly, but to her they are not. She has every right to feel violated and upset. In her place, I couldn't trust him again.

[elaine567]

She has every right to feel violated and upset. In her place, I couldn't trust him again..

 

I'm with you, I couldn't trust him again either.

[lgspot]

First I agree. Take some time and THEN talk further....

 

 

Main issue----She has plainly maintained "NO" from day 1...

Therefore he is WRONG. NO means no even in a marriage.

Wouldn't matter if she was a pole dancer and every man in town had seen her nude body. She said NO...

 

 

Secondary issue----she changed locks. She wanted private space. She saw lawyer. Wanted to know her rights. Overreaction or not, she has the right to know her rights...

 

 

As a guy who has nude pictures of several girlfriends over the years, I'm not saying the nudes are wrong. THE MANNER HE DID IT IS!!!!!

[HereNorThere]

My husband is employed by the military as an IT expert, and I asked him about the security of cloud based systems and dropboxes. He got a hearty laugh out of it.

 

That's why they don't use iphones ( we're not american, so I don't know what that military uses) instead they use Blackberry, which is supposed to be a bit more secure.

 

I'm not any sort of tech expert at all, but from what i understand, if you can build it, it can be hacked. ( last time I got hack ed was by soemthing called the "syrian electronic army"...whatever that is. Boy did they hack the wrong person...I lead a very boring life:laugh:)

 

The thing is that whether or not his dropbox can be hacked, or his wife is being completely irrational is not the point. She made her view clear right from the get go, and he disrespected that. Would he be okay with her disrespecting his sense of personal privacy?

 

 

Your husband is right on about the government's use of blackberry. In the U.S., Obama carries a blackberry named Blackberry One (a play on Air Force One, the presidential plane.). Although in recent years, Apple has finally started to catch up with them regarding encryption and is now acceptable to most of us experts. That's not to say they aren't all hackable, but BB and Apple are making it much harder, especially if you stay up to date on OS updates and away from the cloud. Admittedly, Android is doing better as well, but it's implementation is so fragmented and makes me substantially easier to hack.

 

I hack my phones for fun and really enjoy being able to have full access to it. Omg, I love my jailbroken iPhones, but it freaks me out the amount of time people devote to exploiting them. There's a lot people devoted to hacking and a lot of them are lonely single men who get off on the non-consensual nature of looking at private/personal things. It's like the perfect storm of messed up junk.

[xxoo]

In 20 years of marriage, we've never had a breach of trust anywhere close to this. Add in his refusal to admit any wrongdoing, and this is a very big deal.

 

Of course try to work it out, but he MUST acknowledge that what he did was wrong. If he won't, how can she move forward?

[webmiss88]

I haven't had a chance to read through the last four pages that have erupted since I last left the site (which I will shortly).

Edited February 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

hoping2heal, I work in public schools too, and she has NOTHING to worry about. Seriously, paranoia. Unless he's actively sharing his dropbox info with friends, the chance of her getting hacked AND anyone caring enough about these photos to do anything that would be destructive to her career is laughable.

 

A certain amount of paranoia when you work in schools is warranted, but saying that he is f*cking with her career is just silly.

 

She didn't want the photos taken. The Dropbox is just where she saw them and not the issue.

 

Since when does 'no' mean I'll do it anyway?. Because you're married, you are not the spouses property. This is a huge violation.

 

I'm sorry, but with the attitude he has I'd personally want out of the relationship.

 

A line has been crossed, trust destroyed and I really struggle with anyone who fails to understand how such a breach is no big deal.

 

Where I live, if these pics got out the OP could very likely loose her job. The only reason she would not, would be if she proved they were taken without her consent and we would want proof of her seeing her attorney about it.

 

It would still cause huge problems for us as the employer, because it has shown the school in a very negative light and no parents, would be pleased with that vision. They would not want their child's teachers to be seen this way. That's where we would have a dilemma as the employer.

 

I speak from a professional point of view in relation to the loss of job.

 

OP - I really feel for you.

[autumnnight]

She didn't want the photos taken. The Dropbox is just where she saw them and not the issue.

 

Since when does 'no' mean I'll do it anyway?. Because you're married, you are not the spouses property. This is a huge violation.

 

I'm sorry, but with the attitude he has I'd personally want out of the relationship.

 

A line has been crossed, trust destroyed and I really struggle with anyone who fails to understand how such a breach is no big deal.

 

Where I live, if these pics got out the OP could very likely loose her job. The only reason she would not, would be if she proved they were taken without her consent and we would want proof of her seeing her attorney about it.

 

It would still cause huge problems for us as the employer, because it has shown the school in a very negative light and no parents, would be pleased with that vision. They would not want their child's teachers to be seen this way. That's where we would have a dilemma as the employer.

 

I speak from a professional point of view in relation to the loss of job.

 

OP - I really feel for you.

 

Yep. If you teach in a small system, especially in certain regions, naked pictures WILL be a big deal. If you don't live in such an area you don't know what it is like. We can't all be Californication (thank God).

[Hope Shimmers]

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of her boundary decisions. They are hers to be respected.

 

I am not against nude photos in a close relationship and have participated in it myself. However, during my marriage I did not want my husband to take them (he did anyway) because of the nature of who he is and how the marriage was. I did not feel safe. In the end, I was not safe as he threatened to expose them after our divorce. I was lucky in that it blew over and he didn't do it.

 

So I had a very good reason not to want those in his possession, and for all we know, the OP may have similar reasons. It does NOT matter whether anyone here thinks her reasons are valid or whether they think she is 'overreacting'.

[HereNorThere]

I really do believe that if people knew half of what I know, had seen half of what I've seen, most would never take another naked photo again.

 

In my current relationship, we don't don't do it and would both feel extremely violated if we confronted with this issue. I won't say where I work, but umm.. You'd be impressed and she's a high paid professional as well. We know what each other look like naked, and the only sext I want from her is "on my way over."

 

If you accept the risk and wouldn't be bothered by the photos leaking, more power to you. I just know we would both feel EXTREMELY violated to the point where I doubt the relationship would survive after that.

 

People, it's not worth it. I promise you, lives have been ruined. If you knew how many frantic phone calls I get from friends and relatives, you'd never do it again.

Edited February 22, 2015 by HereNorThere