40 Years of Mental Agony

[mat23]

Today is 2/12 and the next few days will be a difficult time for me, 40 + years ago my wife (girlfriend at the time) had a sexual relationship with another man. There is a long history to all the events that occurred between us which aren’t relevant at this moment. This calendar date, Valentine weekend, is burned into my memory which I have never been able to get over.

I had been dating my wife for almost two years and finally decided to ask her to marry me and I wanted to do it on Valentin’s day. Unfortunately I was away on a business trip that weekend and couldn’t be with her to do it. Early Valentin’s morning I phoned her to wish her a happy Valentine’s Day and ask her to marry me. When I spoke with her she seemed distant and distracted and said she would talk to me later in the day. Later that day we did talk, I did ask her to marry me and she accepted. I was able to get a flight back to our home that night and we celebrated and I proposed again and gave her ring.

What I didn’t know at the time was that she had a date with some guy that weekend which lasted Friday night to Sunday afternoon. When I had called to propose she was in bed with him. When I eventually found out and confronted her, she told me they had just finished having sex and that’s why she couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to me. My gut was telling me they probably were still going at it when I called.

I found out all of this shortly after our first child had been born. I happened to over hear a conversation between her and her best friend. Her BF was asking if the baby was his. IT WASN’T. We were married one month after I proposed and the baby came 9 months later. If I had known before we decided to have a child, I would have walked from this relationship. I stayed, we had more children and our relationship was and has been a faithful marriage.

But that mental image of her and that guy I have never been able to let go of and it has haunted our marriage all these years. When we would have sex I would sometimes imagine him with her and I would get aggressive sexually. My wife knew something was bothering me, but when I would want to talk about my feelings, she would shut me off. My wife has never apologized and said it happened and we, I, need to get over it. We have been committed to each other and there has never been any reason for me to distrust her. But this event between her and that guy is as fresh today as it was when it happened 40 + years ago.

I have sought out professional help to try and bring closer to this madness of mine without success. I don’t expect anything that can be said here will change my anger or rage about what occurred. My advice to all is keep your secrets, they are yours. Revealing them for whatever reason can hurt and just create emotional stress which can last a life time.

I have endured all these years with the image of my wife with that guy. I knew him. He worked at the community pool in our town and having seen him naked in the locker room has only compounded my jealously. Whenever I tried to discuss it with her she has always said she doesn’t want to talk about it, it happened and nothing will change what occurred. Can I ever get rid of this madness or will I just take it to my grave?

[central]

Your kids are grown now, and since you can't let this go, divorce her and move on. That's the only way you will find peace at this point. Men are in increasing demand at your age, so if you want another relationship, you can probably find one.

[No Limit]

Something things just can't be forgotten. Sorry but you wasted 40 years with her, your kids are already grown up so that's done. Every day you stay with her you choose this torment yourself. You've done your part as a full-time dad, your children are more independent now. Go find a real partner, not a mother.

[lolablue17]

No, You weren't in agony, I don't believe it. You've stayed with your wife for so long. I remember you. You also have troubles with her sexual past + beside her one time cheating.

 

I don't believe that someone with full awareness live miserable life for so many years by his own choice. She must have given you many happy days and nights if you stayed for so long.

 

I also dare and have another guess... I believe that if you was marrying a virgin, and during your entire marriage she'd never cheated on you and even never met other guys in her life - You would have left her already.

 

I believe that you somehow need this event to remind you can't take her for granted. Without this event, You may haves divorced her long ago because you were bored.

 

Yes, sometimes it's eating you from inside, but most of the time it keeps your marriage stable. It is not obvious to stay marry for so long. Think about it.

[BetrayedH]

Amazing how just last April you were a virgin about to get married and now you've been married 40 years. You've been busy.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/470428-i-m-virgin-she-s-not-can-we-make-together

Edited February 20, 2015 by BetrayedH

[amaysngrace]

I want a ride in the delorean too

[road]

Problem is you do not know when this affair ended. You assume and hope it was Valentines day. It is always bad to assume things. And, you can not believe a WW that refuses to talk about what happens and wants to keep things secret to say the child is not your the OM's.

 

 

I have been going on a long time with a similar wife. Trickled truthed leaving me with very little knowledge of what went down.

 

 

As long as you are left the dark as to what happened all those years ago you will be left unsettled.

 

 

Time to get a DNA paternity test done. Schedule a polygraph test for your WW.

 

 

Can you fill in more background as were you and your WW in a exclusive relationship the weekend of her affair?

 

 

When did you find out and how?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I posted without reading the rest of the posts. What's going on?

Edited February 20, 2015 by road

[mat23]

Personal history could be a dangerous place to go looking for information about that someone you love here and now. I have read many posts in which individuals fishing for sexual information about their loved ones past have destroyed that relationship. Men saying that a women’s previous sexual experience won’t bother them may be in denial. We men could be wired emotionally to want that women to be theirs. I don’t mean as a possession, but as a person to love and respect. We all know the stereo type of the so called slut; we see it in porn and in our fantasies. Women also have their expectations for a spouse or lover. I’m not developing a psychological interpretation here, but just stating a generality. Are there exceptions, yes? I’m not looking for a debate.

I posted what I did as a way to vent my emotional frustrations; I don’t have anyone to share this with. I’ve been through counseling which resolved nothing but did lead me to understand why I feel the way I do. I came to this site to vent and let others know how difficult dealing with a loved one’s sexual past can be. If I had never learned of that sexual incident between my wife and that man, the last forty years would have been the greatest time of my life, with no regrets.

I do find it strange that a site which invites someone to post their innermost secrets finds individuals who want to attack. The previous postings are inaccurate with their facts and assumptions. I don’t want to start an argument about them or me. I just wanted to sate what has hurt me for all these years and let younger individuals draw their own conclusions.

[Zahara]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/470428-i-m-virgin-she-s-not-can-we-make-together

 

But you were dating a woman and living together for a year when you posted the above in April 2014. Which one of your threads is fact?

Edited February 21, 2015 by Zahara