Am I right to be upset about cheating early in relationship?

[Disco Lemonade]

I am writing this because I found out recently that my fiance most likely cheated on me in the early stage of our relationship. I can't help but find myself feeling hurt, but am trying to convince myself that is "ok" since it doesn't happen any more and it was early on. Do you feel that I am right to be upset and should I just let it go?

 

The issue came up when I did something I never have done (and feel guilty about doing)--I checked her email. I did something months ago that unintentionally upset her, and I was curious about what she told her friends. I felt guilty and wanted to know how bad I really hurt her feelings. What I found when I searched was a big lead up to a sexual encunter she was to have with an old fling. Before we ever met, her job took her out of the country for a couple years. While she was there, she had a pretty hot,sexual "friends with benefitty" kind of relationship with a coworker. I only know this from the emails. Ever since she moved back, she and this guy had planned on her coming back for a visit and having another temporary hot fling. Saw a lot of emails that were disturbing (and none of my buisness). Talk about bringing her "sexy panties", etc. Plus, saw some weird emails from my fiance to her friend talking about it, as well as the fact that she was conflicted because she had just started seeing me. This was probably less than a month into our relationship, so the boundaries are questionable. I finally had an opportunity to ask questions, because she mentioned him and her visit one night. I asked if he put any moves on her, and she said "no". I also causally asked her if she and this guy had a physical relationship when she worked over there, and she said "no." What scares me is that she lied about that, clearly, because I know that she did. That second part is none of my business, but if she is going to lie about that, it makes me all the more sure that she did sleep with this guy on her trip. I have since never questioned her more, but I sometimes feel myself feeling kind of betrayed and hurt. It was a long time ago, but I never would have cheated on her or anyone else. I have been cheated on before by other women I dated, and maybe that makes it hurt all the more. I obviously want things with my fiance to be different.

 

Should I just let this go or am I right to want a real answer about it? Sorry about all the detail. Just wanted to explain the complexity, since her fling as just that-she did not intend on it going anywhere. Just a couple "fun days" as she called them This is my fault, I know, --never should have infringed on her privacy and never will again. But now I know.

[damien201]

Based on personal experience, I would just end the relationship now. You don't have to tell her why, make something else up.

 

If you marry this girl without actually finding out the truth and discussing it you'll drive yourself crazy wondering if what happened (it seems your emails are proof that something did happen?).

 

If you ask her about it and she's honest, you're going to feel disgusted by her and you won't want her anymore anyways. You bought the cow while someone else was getting the milk for free. That's what it will always come back to.

[Thicke2013]

What was the time frame? How long ago did this happen? You said this happened less than a month after the two of you started talking so the boundaries were a little sketchy, were the two of you exclusive?

 

 

Honestly sounds to me like she also thought that it crossed the line and therefore lied to you about it happening.

[d0nnivain]

By being upset about cheating in the beginning of a relationship you are only wasting your time & energy. They cheat -- you leave. No further angst required. Your time is best spent on somebody with better character & morals.

[No Limit]

No, it's good you snooped. She would have never told you. And who knows how much more she's hiding.

Don't marry her. By all means don't. Google for some divorce experiences - from the male perspective.

[Chi townD]

Okay, your timeline is a little shaky with me, so let me see if I got this right.

 

 

BEFORE she met you, her job took her to another country where she developed a FWB with some dude.

 

 

She came back, THEN met you and you two started dating.

 

 

BUT! She and this FWB kept in contact and spoke about having a fling if she would ever go back there. However, she wrote that she talked to one of her friends and she was conflicted because she just started to date you.

 

 

Is that correct?

 

 

Soooo, she didn't actually physically cheat on you, she just talked about it. Does she still talk to this dude or did that stop when you two became serious?

 

 

What I don't like is her telling you that she didn't have a physical relationship with this dude. I mean, if it was before the two of you met, then what's the big deal? Why lie about it?

 

 

Oh, and don't feel bad about looking at her email. If something felt off, then you had the right to know what's going on in your relationship. HOWEVER! DO NOT tell her HOW you found out. Because you'll lose that resource. You can say that someone contacted you over Facebook anonymously or something like that.

[beach]

You have every right to feel whatever you feel.

 

I would caution you - you may want to think twice about marrying your fiancé.

[Disco Lemonade]

The below time frame is right. This all happened about a year ago when we started dating. The thing with the other guy was a long standing arrangement from before she ever knew me. Still, I feel like she sjould have called it off and didn't. I know they hung out on her visitBut don't know for sure what exactly they did do. Wish I knew, but don't trust the answer I would get either way at this point

 

Okay, your timeline is a little shaky with me, so let me see if I got this right.

 

 

BEFORE she met you, her job took her to another country where she developed a FWB with some dude.

 

 

She came back, THEN met you and you two started dating.

 

 

BUT! She and this FWB kept in contact and spoke about having a fling if she would ever go back there. However, she wrote that she talked to one of her friends and she was conflicted because she just started to date you.

 

 

Is that correct?

 

 

Soooo, she didn't actually physically cheat on you, she just talked about it. Does she still talk to this dude or did that stop when you two became serious?

 

 

What I don't like is her telling you that she didn't have a physical relationship with this dude. I mean, if it was before the two of you met, then what's the big deal? Why lie about it?

 

 

Oh, and don't feel bad about looking at her email. If something felt off, then you had the right to know what's going on in your relationship. HOWEVER! DO NOT tell her HOW you found out. Because you'll lose that resource. You can say that someone contacted you over Facebook anonymously or something like that.

[BetrayedH]

I don't care how long ago any of this happened.

 

Your question now is about whether you want a partner in life that has no problem lying straight to your face today.

 

I expect that I've got acquaintances that would lie to me but knowingly marrying someone that goes into the marriage as a liar? No thanks.

 

You already know plenty of truth here...she's got no problem lying to you about her FWB.

 

Don't feel bad for snooping. You've dodged a bullet (unless you decide to jump in front of it).

[Chi townD]

The below time frame is right. This all happened about a year ago when we started dating. The thing with the other guy was a long standing arrangement from before she ever knew me. Still, I feel like she sjould have called it off and didn't. I know they hung out on her visitBut don't know for sure what exactly they did do. Wish I knew, but don't trust the answer I would get either way at this point

 

 

 

Oh, so she did go back for a visit while you were dating? Yeah, that doesn't bode well for you, dude.

 

 

You might just need to pull the plug on this. Keep us posted!

[road]

The below time frame is right. This all happened about a year ago when we started dating. The thing with the other guy was a long standing arrangement from before she ever knew me. Still, I feel like she sjould have called it off and didn't. I know they hung out on her visitBut don't know for sure what exactly they did do. Wish I knew, but don't trust the answer I would get either way at this point

 

Oh, so she did go back for a visit while you were dating? Yeah, that doesn't bode well for you, dude.

 

 

You might just need to pull the plug on this. Keep us posted!

 

 

 

Based on the info I have to say that those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

 

She is hiding the truth because it will make her look bad.

 

 

Dump her. She is lying and cheating now before you are married. Experience shows that this type of behavior continues when she gets married. Because she got away without having to face any consequences.

[Buddhist]

I'm going to say something here that may or may not be a very popular view. Yes I know its a breach of trust to check our partners emails etc. And no-one should intentionally set out to spy on their partner without reason, or maybe at all. But sometimes for whatever reason we end up doing it and then finding out that there is something there of concern. I tend to believe in these instances that it's our intuition leading us to look there because on some level we know that something is up.

 

I did this in one relationship and it revealed months of communication between my partner and some random girl on the internet. Some very nasty things were said about me. The end didn't justify the means but it was important for me to know how my supposed bf really felt and thought about me. Especially as he was living in my home, eating my food and enjoying sex with me. Was I proud of myself for what I did? No. Was I glad to be made aware of that information though? Yes.

 

So now it's up to you. You have the information, forget about the means. Focus on what that information means to you and your decision to marry this woman. If you are going to confront her with this information then you are going to have to confess to what you did as well. But it might be worth all of that if it puts things in a more honest light between you or saves you from making a big mistake.

[Winterina]

her lying is worse than her act in this case.

no need to feel bad for snooping... I did it once too and it made me stay away from a wrong person.

 

 

cheating should be a crime. it is not a crime just because we don't have that kind of police and court capacity, because everyone is doing it, including the lawmakers. I mean, if someone calls you a whore in public it is defamation, a crime in many countries, it is considered as hurtful to your reputation or honour. but when someone hurts you so badly by cheating or lying that you wish they punched you in the face and beat you up instead...no law against that.

so people, protect yourself and keep snooping :-D be your own police and judge and jury.

[KatZee]

I tend to believe in these instances that it's our intuition leading us to look there because on some level we know that something is up.

 

I agree with this too.

 

When I was with my ex, he had logged into his e-mail at my house and then he left. When I went on my computer I clicked my e-mail and was confused because nothing looked familiar and that's when I realized it was HIS account. I was a bit conflicted, but had a real niggling suspicion.

 

I found nothing.

 

My ex wasn't even angry that I went snooping, and I think this in and of itself should have been a flag-- he had cleaned his e-mail out real well, and he knew I had found nothing.

 

Turns out my niggling suspicion was correct, and he had cheated on me with his ex multiple times. It was early into our relationship as well, and I found out around the 3 year mark. That's why I decided to stay.

 

Turns out he went and cheated again.

 

Cheaters gon' cheat.

 

We broke up and I'd say that was a huge bullet dodged. Would never marry a cheater.

[Woggle]

If people can't stay faithful before marriage they damn sure won't stay faithful afterwards.

[elaine567]

If people can't stay faithful before marriage they damn sure won't stay faithful afterwards.

I think that is often true.

They have the courage to step out of a relationship and damn the consequences; once that skill is acquired, they know they can do it again and get away with it.

The urge to cheat is often never far from the surface and add in a tricky spell in a marriage, then bingo!

[barcode88]

Yeah I think now that you have the info you need to use it.

 

 

You could try working it out with her I suppose .. If it was in the first month of you two dating, its arguable both ways depending when you guys went official.

 

 

Of course if you bring it up with her, she's going to be mad at you for snooping on her so there will be some mutual trust issues to be worked through.

[damien201]

You could try working it out with her I suppose .. If it was in the first month of you two dating, its arguable both ways depending when you guys went official.

 

 

It bothers me when people say these things are "arguable." No, it's not. Everyone knows how screwed over they'd feel in this situation. The technicalities only exist for people to justify half-hearted, at best, attitudes towards relationships and morality.

[lolablue17]

I understand that she met this guy while dating you, when you weren't officially exclusive then.

 

1. It's not really cheating, but her values are disturbing. Because she should have raised the subject and let you know that while you're not exclusive, you both are allowed to be with others.

She could mention that without being specific with no details. Because when she just go f#@king aother guy while you are concentrated only with her - again - it's not cheating but it's certainly misleading.

 

2. She lied! she could tell you the truth, or she could tell you that it's none of your business, but she instinctively choose to lie. It's a huge red flag. Not only that her values are to lie in order to prevent darma, she doesn't consider your values, and maybe she doesn't know about your values.

 

if you leave it as it is, you will never trust her and she will never know that the truth is the most important thing for you. So she might easily lie again and again, because she doesn't think it's a big deal.

 

My advice - Don't literally ask for the truth. because then you are with the lower hand, begging for something. Don't do that. Instead - tell her that you decided to postpone the wedding. Why? because you're not sure. Why? Because you know she lied to you and for you lieing is a deal breaker.

 

And from now on you have to be very strong and stubborn. Don't give her any

detail, Don't give any information. Tell her to take time to think with herself when and what about she lied to you and you will speak to her only if she wants to come clean.

 

If you give up - It's for ever. you will never know the truth about anything with her.

Edited February 22, 2015 by lolablue17

[Friskyone4u]

First of all , stop feeling guilty. When she climbed into bed with him her right to privacy went out the window and if you are not snooping now that you know she is withholding this you are making s big mistake.

Now, how can you marry this woman without confronting her. You are going to march down the aisle , say vows , and not be sure her and this FWB are still not in contact. And what do you do when she wants to go back to that country to visit "friends"

You have someone here with at a minimum very poor judgement . Do you really want to suck this up??? I think you are crazy if you go ahead with any wedding without a major confrontation on this andnseeing if you get any more lies either outright or by ommission

[road]

I understand that she met this guy while dating you, when you weren't officially exclusive then.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no way for this view to be had for the OP never answered the question if they were exclusive.

 

 

If an assumption is to be made we have to assume there was such an agreement because most likely when a guy asks to get married after they are exclusive. For he has that much feelings for her he will not want others to date her.

 

 

Though without the OP answering we will never know. Most people do not concurrently date.

[lolablue17]

There is no way for this view to be had for the OP never answered the question if they were exclusive.

 

 

If an assumption is to be made we have to assume there was such an agreement because most likely when a guy asks to get married after they are exclusive. For he has that much feelings for her he will not want others to date her.

 

 

Though without the OP answering we will never know. Most people do not concurrently date.

 

Of course. But my assumption gave her the largest possible benefit of the doubt. Because if they were indeed exclusive, It's a clear case of a cheater and a liar. If it was just cheating i wouldn't analize it with so many words...

[Disco Lemonade]

There is no way for tor the OP never answered the question if they were exclusive.

 

 

If an assumption is to be made we have to assume there was such an agreement because most likely when a guy asks to get married after they are exclusive. For he has that much feelings for her he will not want others to date her.

 

 

Though without the OP answering we will never know. Most people do not concurrently date.

 

We had not talked about being exclusive at the time. I do remember her asking me not to find someone new while she was away, but that was the closest thing to that discussion. What makes it all difficult is I have every confidence that it was a one time thing. As I read through the responses, I think it is the lie that bothers me most at this stage. I was her new boyfriend at the time and she had this long term arrangement with this guy to do stuff for a couple days during her trip. The fact that she was in this kind of situation bothers me too, b/c it doesn't seem like the person I know. I think i need to take some time with it before rash judgements. Maybe a lot of you are right Iin that I should admit the snooping and let her know what I found. The result of that discussion might decide it

[lolablue17]

Maybe a lot of you are right Iin that I should admit the snooping and let her know what I found. The result of that discussion might decide it

 

The snooping is the most insignificant issue here. You don't talk about "an atomic bomb" in the same conversation with "throwing a stone". You snooped because you were suspicious, OK? And your suspicions were right. The snooping is a different subject and you can talk about it in other time.

[CrystalShine2011]

I would bring it up with her! Tell her that you know.