Diezel Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Let me start out by saying that I 100% sympathize with you on this, but that being said, you need to remember what you are going for and WHOM you are going for. This time, you have a support system. This time, you know what to expect. If the stories you had been told are true (Which they probably are), bask in how your life has turned out versus hers. I will also 100% admit that I don't always take the high road, but in this scenario, I have to say, you absolutely must. Not only for yourself, DH, but for the people getting wed together. I do not blame you for trying to limit your amount of perceived time that you could spend in her proximity. But do NOT be angry at booking early to save money or for going at all. If anything breaks your focus, remember, you are taking the high road for not only your dear friend, but yourself. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 The wedding is this week. The bride has already been made aware that I am skipping the bachelorette party. The "cover story" is that DH & I are going to dinner at this amazing high end restaurant & we could only get a reservation on the night of the bachelorette party. The bride's wedding is all about country: mason jars & BBQ. I'm sure it will be lovely but everybody knows I'm high maintenance & prefer champagne & white table cloths so the bride is happy that DH & I are going to the dinner. Everybody who knows me knows that where we're going is more my style. I didn't like dive college bars when I was in college. They are all used to me skipping events like this when they do them. Plus, this way I don't have to be in dive bars with this other women in a small group. We will see her at the rehearsal dinner but there will be other people there & I have an official role to fill so I have a reason to ignore her. Day of, the Bride invited me to get my hair & make up done with her & her sister so she & I have a little extra time together. The awful woman will show up later for the formal parts of the event and DH will be there. For reasons unrelated to this, the groom recently informed me that the venue made them hire private security so I feel better. I am going to do my best to be there to celebrate with the happy couple. DH & I have already put together an "escape plan" just in case. DH has since been warned by 3 of his buddies (really my buddies but now they are his friends too) that this chick is a train wreck who should be given a wide berth because she has never grown up & is just trouble so he will be on alert too. I am hoping & praying that it will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 OP... You're a grown woman, act like it. >>runs away<< Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 OP... You're a grown woman, act like it. >>runs away<< Chicken. How exactly should I be acting in YOUR opinion? What am I doing that indicates to you that I am not acting like a grown woman? I said I would go to the wedding. I am avoiding something / someone that I don't care for. I am take reasonable precautions do de-escalate potential problems. So please enlighten me about what you think I should do instead? Stand there & let her abuse me me? Let her hit me? I have no ability to protect myself in a fist fight if she gets physical. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 The bride knows I hate this woman & has known this for 25+ years. Several years ago when the bride graduated from college she threw herself a party & invited us both but didn't tell me the other woman was attending. She lives in the Midwest so it wasn't like I expected to see her. I walked in, saw her & walked out. The invitations already went out. The bride can't uninvited everybody. I already paid for my tickets before I found out the other woman was coming & couldn't cancel them without losing all the money. DH didn't really want to do that so we're working around the woman I don't like. I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. From the day the other woman offended me I kept my mouth shut. Opening it now, isn't going to fix anything. It's my problem & I'm dealing with it. The amount of stress the bride is under is extreme. I'm not going to add to it. Really it's my problem. As I have let it settle, I'm calmer. Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people The downside to acting with class and not airing dirty laundry is that she will be free and clear to do smear campaigns against you behind your back. You will be hating her for unknown reasons and could end up looking like the "bad guy." I am unclear why other people are continuing friendships with such a loose cannon. Most people give those a wide berth. Why invite turmoil to an event thats supposed to be one of the happiest days in ones life? Makes me wonder what is attractive about her to the bride-to-be. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I have a really good feeling that this is going to be an awesome wedding and reception. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Chicken. How exactly should I be acting in YOUR opinion? What am I doing that indicates to you that I am not acting like a grown woman? I said I would go to the wedding. I am avoiding something / someone that I don't care for. I am take reasonable precautions do de-escalate potential problems. So please enlighten me about what you think I should do instead? Stand there & let her abuse me me? Let her hit me? I have no ability to protect myself in a fist fight if she gets physical. Really, is it going to be fist-to-cuffs? Over what, a 30-40 yr old bully?something that almost happened 20 years ago? but it didn't. You're still in your profession and you're still humming along with only whatever you have allowed to follow you. It sucks you're walking around with so much spite that you're going to allow it to ruin an otherwise nice vacation and time with f/f. It's a wedding, and not your wedding, that should sum it up for you. you're there for your friends/family, not some dumb B for yesteryear. That's one of differences between the men and boys, and the woman and the girls. How we act- not how someone else acts. It's just unbecoming of an emotionally stable adult to be mixed in with such ridiculousness. Yu can rise above it. And I'm sorry if that's coming off as ridicule, but it is what it is. Keep holding on to the "hate" ( for lack of a more hateful word). Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Auspecial -- If the smear campaigns haven't worked in the last quarter century I doubt they will work now. All the "players" are OK with my stance because it's the stance I always take -- MYOB. On top of that a few years ago, her son lost his legs when an IED exploded in a war zone while he was on active duty. All our mutual friends, including the bride & many of the wedding guests, knew of my volunteer work with an organization that supports military families after a tragedy: The B.P.O. Elks Army of Hope. Anyway, through that organization I was able to get her tickets to Walter Reed Hospital to be with her son, discounts on a place to stay in DC and daily free transportation to the hospital. Money was given to her son directly and when he got home volunteers helped retrofit his house with ramps etc. A number of people asked me why I made this possible since I hate his mom. I replied that my hatred of her doesn't make him any less of a hero or any less deserving of help. The mom reached out to me, said thank you & asked if this meant we were friends now. I replied that I wished her son the best but no this did not make us friends. I'm sort of hoping that my prior good deed toward her son will just cause her to give me a wide berth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Diezel -- I hope you are right but even I can here the sarcasm. Hawaii -- I don't hold on to the hate. Generally I don't think about this woman at all. I avoid her but in the last 5 or so years I have heard stories about her starting fights, still getting high & generally being somebody I don't want to associate with. I suppose I don't hate her any more. I moved to indifference years ago. But yeah, I am a little scared that she's going to try something physical with me. I may be irrational in my fear which is why I am trying to balance being there for the bride and not dealing with her. If we peacefully co-exist on opposite sides of the reception I will be thrilled. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 So is this woman the one caring for her son now, or is that on someone else? I hope it's not up to her, for his sake. I wonder if she has any outstanding warrants. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Diezel -- I hope you are right but even I can here the sarcasm. It actually wasn't sarcasm. Sometimes the future events we dread due to past events we've lived, don't turn out as bad as you expect them to be. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 dOnnivan, I didn't want to post earlier, but I'm really glad you went to your friend's wedding. When my husband and I got married, there was a disagreement in the family with very hurt feelings on both sides. We did not want to be forced to choose. Like it or not, both sides got invited. From our perspective, we weren't a party to their disagreement and we didn't want to be forced to make a value judgment of one person over another. I know it was hard for you, but you did the right, adult thing. You accepted for your friend's sake, the presence of someone who is abhorrent to you. But even more than that, you did not ask your friend to chose on one of the most special days of her life and a day that she only gets to live once. I hope you had a good time in spite of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) A dear friend is getting married in April. I didn't think & booked my flight & hotel room already. Today I find out that a friend of the Bride's who I HATE will be there. Everybody including the bride knows how much I despise that chick. Before you tell me how strong of a word hate is, let me assure you it's not strong enough. Now I don't want to go to the wedding at all. 25+ years ago that horrible woman did something that almost got me arrested for something she did (drugs) which would have cost me my professional license & possibly my freedom. I have never forgiven that person & never will because she never stopped with the drugs. At the time she actually said I was over reacting. Granted she was high but still . . . In the wedding city, how am I going to get out of the bachelorette party, the day of fun before the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, & the post wedding BBQ / brunch? At the wedding there will be 200 people so I can avoid the woman I hate. These other events will be smaller & it will be much harder to ignore her. On some level I feel like I'm cutting my nose off despite my face because if I don't go to these things I will end up sitting alone in a hotel room for 5 days. It will also ruin my husband's good time. He has never met the woman I hate BTW. I'm thinking about paying the money to change my tickets. I'll fly in the morning of the wedding & fly out the next day just to avoid that other woman. I'm so pissed at myself for booking early to "save money". If you are positive that you hate the woman this much and absolutely cannot be in her presence then change your tickets. Otherwise, this might be a good time to let it go. I'm not saying that you should be friends with her or forgive her or any such thing, but what is done is done 25 years ago. Fortunately you didn't get arrested, you don't ever have to see her after this event, and I think it might be worth it to be the bigger person and not let her ruin your time. No one has almost gotten me arrested, but I can't really picture still actively hating someone for an almost arrest 25 + years later. I may still very much dislike them and be angry when I remember it, but not actively hate them to the point of not being able to be in the same room for an event. I'm sort of confused though, and I'm gonna be real, you seem to have lots of drama in your friend circle particularly when it comes on to events it seems like wrangling folks together for a reality show lol , but aside from that: if you're that good friends with the bride, doesn't she know you hate the woman? How come you're just finding out the woman is going to be there? If you're at the rehearsal dinner you're in the bridal party then and you're close friends, so if this is a hate known in the group, how come her being invited just came up? Is this woman in the bridal party? If so, again how come you didn't know if you're in it too? If she isn't, she won't be at the rehearsal dinner (in my experience only the bridal party, i.e. the people who need to rehearse and the parents and stuff go to the dinner, all other guests don't). Is it possible she won't be attending ALL the events? Edited April 20, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 The wedding & other events were lovely. The woman I was worried about initially came up to me & said Hi. It was a bit in your face kind of she wanted to make sure I knew she was there. I said hello back & walked to the other side of the room. I skipped the bachelorttee party but DH I met up with them when the 2 groups merged back together. Although there was drama & stress mostly over the weather because it was an outdoor event, the woman I didn't want to deal with was actually pretty good. She gave me a very wide berth through the whole multi-day thing. The last day we all went out to dinner -- a group of about 30. She was somehow sitting by herself waiting for her husband. DH & I were at a table for 10 with an open seat far away from me; I had DH invite her to join us. Somebody else had waved her over but she said no. She knew it was OK when he asked. We were civil at the end of night & she even told me that her son was doing reasonably well, under the circumstances & I told her I was glad to hear that. I could tell she must not have been looking forward to seeing me either because every time I saw her husband . . if looks could kill I would have been dead but that's OK, he was just looking out for her. He never said a word to me which was exactly what I wanted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Proud of you, D! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Yay! SO glad you did an update. Glad it all worked out so well. Link to post Share on other sites
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