If I'm not sure I should marry him, should we even be together.

[lost.in.space]

we've been together for almost 10 years, since i was 18. we have been engaged for almost 5 years, neither of us care too much about throwing a wedding; we discussed just eloping to a local resort. we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. i am trying to be very careful and realistic, and not comparing us to all the couples back home that are all getting married and having babies, living in beautiful homes, but they all seem so blissful. i know people project their "highlight reel" and again being mindful of not comparing but. I am envious. We don't live in a beautiful home. We have some money put away for a mortgage but I'm not sure I want to make such an investment where we currently live, albeit is in Canadian paradise. It's too limiting and barely anyone who actually lives here can afford it.i don't feel blissful. we bicker a lot. we are both "eldest child" in our respective families so one could say we are both strong willed. I acknowledge i am sensitive, but he only semi acknowledges that he is insensitive a lot. i've suggested counselling, he rejects it. i wish he could make a better effort to understand and communicate with me better, but he is just more "harsh" one could say, and says he shouldn't need to "sugar coat" things... which i don't necessarily expect. but i guess i work in a professional field where we have to basically choose every word we use so I understand the power of communication. in my mind, he should know, after 10 years, how to communicate with me. i feel like he communicates "better" to his little online gamer buddies than me. he says he doesn't. he says he loves me blah blah but i don't really feel "respected" and really really loved, and i feel like there are other relationships out there so much more fruitful in that sense. i don't want to break up our family for my daughters sake, although I have told him i don't want to be with him. he just ignores it. if i am unsure i want to marry him because of these feelings, then i wonder what is the point of us being together then. we've always just been "together". he never had to "court" me, chase me, date me, work for me, and i see so many other relationships that did court each other, and they seems to love each other so much. has our relationship just gone stale? i don't even know if we real even had super "fireworks" to begin with ten years ago.. we just started hanging out and never stopped. I just don't know. but its really getting me down. i think i am going to go to counselling for myself anyway, once i get the courage. thanks for reading if anyone does. good to verbalize it anyway. i don't have any friends and am not that open of a person anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

Awful lot of information about your needs, your wants and your disappointment over neither being met.

 

I wonder what his post would look like?

 

While you're both watching out for yourselves, no one taking care of the relationship. Too bad he's opposed to MC, you two might be the poster children for it. I'd make an appointment and tell him, if you want to save our relationship, we're going. Not sure how much you have left to lose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norudder]

My stbxh and I started similarly except got M. The ultimate relationship stands on three pillars: passion, intimacy (physical emotional financial etc) and commitment. Lookup the theory and think about what you are happy with. Also I highly recommend reading passionate marriage and too good to leave too bad to stay. Unfortunately money issues magnified the cracks in my M and in counseling detrrmined my H was too passive aggressive to evolve emotional intimacy to make the M worth the struggle. Do everything you can. Divorce is not easy especially with a child. Good luck.

[norudder]

Also counseling is great idea. For yourself first then maybe the two of you. Men dont 'just know' how to communicate with us based on time spent. As Mr Lucky said, relationships should be nurtured with INTENTION. And checkout meetup or your gym or groupon classes or something for some hobbies/new friends. Liven up your own interests to put a little zest in life and see if it has a domino effect. Whatever you do, DO NOT seek those fireworks flirting with other guys, especially at this vulnerable time (just saying, lesson learned hard way for me).

[rpal12]

I think counseling is a great idea as well. I'm in a similar situation. Been together since freshman year of college and never really stopped. Looking back now I don't know if there ever was the passion that I crave and really miss now. Just never felt like I had enough of a reason to leave since we get along pretty well.

 

I would definitely put a hold on the marriage for now. With a little one there will be complexity either way if things don't work out but getting married will only amplify that. Having spent so long of my life focusing on someone else's needs I find myself having to be more selfish now and I recommend trying that. Look out for what you need to be happy. I firmly believe that two parents who are happy in their own life and committed to raising a child together whether I'm a relationship or not is better than a couple who doesn't project a strong relationship to their children.

 

Good luck.

[LoveMyCat]

If you are feeling so uncertain, don't get married now. Why not wait, figure out the relationship, see if you can live together in a committed way (the piece of paper does make a difference) and both be happy. Probably not, without counseling and agreeing on goals.

[Arieswoman]

lost.in.space,

I think going to IC would help you figure out what you really want out of this.

 

In the meantime please don't get married in the hope that it will "fix" things, or worse still bring another child into this.

 

Good luck.