A Natural Death

[msoptimistic]

Lots of people told me that an affair would run its course and eventually die a natural death. In a way they were right. As the OW, you do get to a point where you know you deserve better and with that epiphany, you also realize that you know something about another woman that could change her life. In my case, my MM is married to a woman 28 years younger who wants kids and lots of experiences that he has already experienced. I feel sure he is telling her what she wants to hear and i feel bad for her because she seems to worship the ground he walks on. So is it ever the right thing to do to inform the wife? If you are not coming from a place of vengeance but a place of female support, does it make a difference?

The pain is unimaginable for me but I am resolved. Is it fair to ever put another person through this pain or are you giving them information to level the playing field with pertinent information. I am not in any hurry but would love some advice from OW who informed as well as wives who were told.

Thanks!

[MyselfToBlame92]

I honestly thought about letting his W know. It was out of anger though. I thought at one point, he was moving on with his life without me and without consequences. He just skipped off into the sunset with his W and child. Here I was: hurt,upset and pushed aside.

If she ever comes asking, I will tell the truth. However , I dont think Im gonna seek her out and tell her.

I know this is totally cliche, but I do feel sorry for her. And in that, Ive reminded myself that Im making the right decision to end things. I dont want to end up in her shoes. Ever.

[nikki76]

How would you, someone who is sleeping with this women's husband, be offering female support? If you were so concerned of her well being, you wouldnt be in this affair with her husband.

 

I dont think its your place to tell her. let her find out for herself through him, if hes ever willing to tell her.

 

Ive been in your shoes, the other women. I'm only 2 months out of it. So I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just being truthful. its not up to you. But thats just my opinion.

[Sassy Girl]

Haha tell her.

 

But don't give her that female support line... That's just bollocks. You were having sex with her husband... Where was your female solidarity then?

 

Sheesh! Now I've heard everything.

[anika99]

You didn't call him your EXmm. Are you still in the affair?

[msoptimistic]

You know I thought about that after I posted and reread it. Where were my morals when this A started and how could I disrespect her as well as myself? So this is what I have to say...in the beginning the attraction was unreal, more of an attraction than I had ever felt before and that amazingly overwhelming A fog that overtakes so many otherwise rational people moved into my head and set up residence. I promise you I could justify anything in my head but time became my best friend because I realized I was a side chick and side chicks rarely get promoted to main chick. And when when they do, they are dealing with another side chick before long.

So,yes, I heard all the stories of how horrible she was but have come to realize that she was living day to day with him. Discussing finances and home repairs and what to do if the toilet stopped up. Of course he could make her look like a bitch and make me feel like I was rescuing him from a life of hard labor because that was exactly what I wanted to hear.

My reason for entertaining this thought about telling her is because of her age. Yes, she is definitely old enough to make her own decisions. She is 25. He is 54 and has a totally different agenda than she does. She wants kids but he gives her just enough hope to think it might happen but is adamant he does not want to start over.

Little things that I can see that will be huge regrets later for her. Yep, I did her terribly, terribly wrong. I do still talk to him some. After 2 1/2 years we actually have alot to unsort. Oh and fyi, our A started on their 1 month anniversary and no, I didnt know that till much later.

I am not seeking vengeance and I dont want her to hurt like this, truly I dont. Hell on earth doesnt even touch the tip of the iceberg of how painful this is...would not wish it upon anyone...just weighing my options with as level a head as I can manage and trying to look from all sides!

[gettingstronger]

I'd tell her but not until you are able to go 100% NC and allow them to sort it out.

[GoldieLox]

I personally don't think you should tell her, but that's just me. I'm going from what I would do in my situation, so obviously my view is a bit skewed. I feel I inserted myself in their marriage enough already and don't feel it's my place to blow it up anymore; plus he'd lose his kids and I wouldn't do that to someone I care deeply about.

 

In your situation, it's obvious this guy is stringing her along with the kid situation, but I still don't feel it's your place to tell her. It's technically still their marriage... let them figure it out for themselves.

[Ruffian1]

"So is it ever the right thing to do to inform the wife?'

 

 

Why wouldn't it, wouldn't you want to know if you were the W?

 

 

 

 

She wants kids, but he does not? she is 25? He could be ruining her life.

Give her the chance to have a family with a man who wants the same before she is too old.

[Tayla]

I'd tell her but not until you are able to go 100% NC and allow them to sort it out.

 

True. May I add a good life insurance policy wouldn't hurt either, because your life (OP's) may not be the same after her marriage topples. Seen relations where the guys role was sugah daddy, so maybe they are both okay with his shannigans.

 

I doubt that altruism has any place where infidelity is concerned.

[Mal78]

Lots of people told me that an affair would run its course and eventually die a natural death. In a way they were right. As the OW, you do get to a point where you know you deserve better and with that epiphany, you also realize that you know something about another woman that could change her life. In my case, my MM is married to a woman 28 years younger who wants kids and lots of experiences that he has already experienced. I feel sure he is telling her what she wants to hear and i feel bad for her because she seems to worship the ground he walks on. So is it ever the right thing to do to inform the wife? If you are not coming from a place of vengeance but a place of female support, does it make a difference?

The pain is unimaginable for me but I am resolved. Is it fair to ever put another person through this pain or are you giving them information to level the playing field with pertinent information. I am not in any hurry but would love some advice from OW who informed as well as wives who were told.

Thanks!

 

I think for me it would depend - are you *just* finding out he is married?

 

If Yes, I would buy the "female support".

 

If No, then your motives for telling her could be seen as very questionable.

 

You would NOT be supporting her in the least if you are to say, "Yes I knew MM was married and I continued to sleep with him for X amount of month/years, I want to help you through this"

 

I bet it won't fly.

[Mal78]

"So is it ever the right thing to do to inform the wife?'

 

 

Why wouldn't it, wouldn't you want to know if you were the W?

 

 

 

 

She wants kids, but he does not? she is 25? He could be ruining her life.

Give her the chance to have a family with a man who wants the same before she is too old.

 

Sure, does it have to be the OW to be the one to expose an A ?

[msoptimistic]

All very good arguments for both sides. Of course he wont come clean because he has a very public job that requires a good reputation and since he is so good at being sneaky, his reputation is pretty squeaky clean at the moment. What bothers me most is her age. My daughter is almost the same age and I see her as just starting out in life and I would hate to think she was building a life on sinking sand. Again, I am in no hurry and the longer I wait, I hope I will see the whole situation much more clearly. Yes, I would want someone to tell me if it were my daughter but that might not be everyones sentiments. Plus, as someone stated, I have to go through NC myself so I dont feel any move right now would be healthy. But I really feel sad to know some of the comments she has made that she is basing on a lie.

[the_artist_1970]

All very good arguments for both sides. Of course he wont come clean because he has a very public job that requires a good reputation and since he is so good at being sneaky, his reputation is pretty squeaky clean at the moment. What bothers me most is her age. My daughter is almost the same age and I see her as just starting out in life and I would hate to think she was building a life on sinking sand. Again, I am in no hurry and the longer I wait, I hope I will see the whole situation much more clearly. Yes, I would want someone to tell me if it were my daughter but that might not be everyones sentiments. Plus, as someone stated, I have to go through NC myself so I dont feel any move right now would be healthy. But I really feel sad to know some of the comments she has made that she is basing on a lie.

 

How do you know that he is telling you the truth? It amazes me that so many OW believe everything a cheating MM says. They are liars when they cheat and they lie to everyone including you. He could be at home trying to make a baby with his W and telling you an entirely different story.

 

As for telling. I am so grateful the the XOW told me. It is the only reason I have a little respect for her regardless of her sleeping with my DH knowing that he is M.

[carhill]

Lots of people told me that an affair would run its course and eventually die a natural death. In a way they were right. As the OW, you do get to a point where you know you deserve better and with that epiphany, you also realize that you know something about another woman that could change her life.

Some participants come to that conclusion (natural end), some are eternally hopeful, some are realistic and see the interaction as transitory and its end different than 'death'. Many possibilities, as we're all individuals.

In my case, my MM is married to a woman 28 years younger who wants kids and lots of experiences that he has already experienced. I feel sure he is telling her what she wants to hear and i feel bad for her because she seems to worship the ground he walks on.

Great line from a past MW: 'Only the two people inside the marriage known what goes on in the marriage' Many years later, when we'd meet again while I was married, I complimented her on being so right about that.

So is it ever the right thing to do to inform the wife?

Present any verifiable evidence and leave it at that. Opinion and statements which are not verifiable are just that, unverified. A wise person will take them as part of the human milieu which can have many impetuses and motivations, not all of which are altruistic or even honest.

If you are not coming from a place of vengeance but a place of female support, does it make a difference?

 

It might make a difference to the discloser but it's just information to the recipient, subject to verification.

The pain is unimaginable for me but I am resolved. Is it fair to ever put another person through this pain or are you giving them information to level the playing field with pertinent information.

I don't know if it was worthwhile but I simply provided the MW's husband with a portfolio on our years of interaction, much of it in his wife's own handwriting, and have no idea what he felt about that. They remained married about seven or so years after that point.

I am not in any hurry but would love some advice from OW who informed as well as wives who were told.

Thanks!

 

Not an OW but fOM and fMM and my best advice is to do what you authentically feel is healthy for you and accept the consequences. I can share that my providing the BH with the record of his wife's interactions ended our association. What happened after, at least from the perspective of the MW, I'd only find out many years later when our paths joined again as older adults and we put some 'finish' to old business. Best 'surprise'. Her mean old exH (at that time) wasn't the bad guy she had painted him out to be during her years of having multiple affairs. Of course, in the meantime I had learned a lot about MW's and women in general so such revelations weren't much of a surprise. Trust, but verify. Good luck!

[msoptimistic]

Thanks for all of the advice and I have decided that, for now, I am going to concentrate on NC and rebuilding my own common sense that flew out the window the day I met MM. While on this road to recovery, I am going to document that verifiable information before I delete or destroy it. That way, when I am in a healthier place, if I choose to inform BW, it wont be with emotions but with facts. Of course I believe he lied to me. Sadly, I knew that all the time it was happening but love is blind and the female mind can be easily swayed by the right story from the right man. The whole issue of children probably bothers me the worst because I had a very difficult time getting pregnant and it was so important to me to become a mom. (And betraying my kids by stooping to this A has boggled my mind too). So I know how obsessive that desire can be. Yes, he may be lying but of all the things I believe that he said, not wanting to start over with a new baby was the most believable. I wish I had felt this guilt a long long time ago, but we all move at the pace our minds can accept?

[Confused48]

As for telling. I am so grateful the the XOW told me. It is the only reason I have a little respect for her regardless of her sleeping with my DH knowing that he is M.

 

I see you made your decision but this^^^^ and the fact the BS is young, to me say you should tell. Not young like she can still have kids, but that too. I mean primarily, she is young and can start over with someone new and better. Don't let her waste her prime years with a cheating old man. Maybe contact her anonymously. I do understand that she may not be greatful at first.