Serial Cheating vs. One Time Affair

[LoveNoLoss]

I wanted to start a new thread and get everyone's opinion on the subject of serial cheating. My husband had 7 affairs throughout our 8 year marriage. He was caught twice in an emotional affair but ended up having six more physical affairs that I didn't know about till now.

 

There are MANY reasons as to why people have affairs.. sexual addiction, unmet needs, "exit" affairs, Narcissism... etc...

 

I am learning from my research on this subject that "serial adulterers" are on a whole other level. They tend to have deep rooted personality issues... character flaws...

 

Do you believe that some people are just "hard wired" to cheat? Do you believe serial cheaters can change? Do you think these people feel guilt or realize the kind of damage they do to their partner?

 

Thoughts please...??

[Moose]

I think that if your husband had 7 affairs in the 8 years he's been married to you that perhaps you need someone to examine you. I realize you just found out about it, but what's the sense in you doing research on the subject? He's a cheat, he doesn't respect you and what your marriage stands for. He wants his cake and eat it too, we all wish we could have that. The only difference is is that your husband has no understanding of what a commitment entails. I say dump him and find someone who understands what a marriage is.

[I Survived]

I asked my husband why he cheated on me (emotional affair) after we had been together for 12 years and married two of them. We both cheated on our previous spouses. He said that he didn't think he liked himself very much and transferred that feeling on to me. We had lost touch with each other and frankly still felt guilty for what we had done to our ex's and children. We were never just "US". So he didn't think I loved him, liked him or even cared if he was around. Add to that the fact that he was unemployed for 10 months. That did horrible damage to his ego. He felt worthless. She contacted him, (they dated in high school), they started communicating by email and phone and it was off to the races. They carried on for 6 months before I found out about her. My gut instinct told me there was something going on. When I found out, I fought like the devil to keep him and finally broke through. He admitted that what he had done was wrong, hurtful and damaging to our relationship. But it was a wake up call for both of us. We are better than ever. It's too bad that we couldn't see what was wrong with us without HER! But that is over and done. Everyday the trust builds and he says that he will spend the rest of his life telling me and showing me how much he loves me. Praise you Lord for bringing us through this horrible experience!

[LoveNoLoss]

Moose,

 

I have been examining myself...of course! However, I need to learn from this horrible experience so that I don't hook up with another loser. I also chose not to see the red flags at the beginning of the relationship which ultimatly hurt me later.

 

Yes, you are right.. he doesn't have respect for me however, for the first time in his life he is in therapy and trying to get to the root of his issues... at least he KNOWS he has a problem. He has never blamed me for his affairs and claims he was doing it because he has very low self esteem.. they were there for his ego stroking.. yeah nice... I guess I was the wife waiting at home while he slutted around with his band.

 

He quit the band right away and seems to be living like a recluse.. I BELIEVE he is trying to become a better person.. and it will take years.. we are talking about someone who needs to change his values and beliefs and that doesn't change overnight.

[Mz. Pixie]

He is a serial cheater- no, I don't think they reform. It's something deep in their personality. I don't know whether I believe that certain people are hardwired to cheat though.

 

I had a quick fling during my marriage. I had been married for a long time and my husband wasn't meeting my needs- despite the fact that I constantly asked for counseling and came out and told him I was going to either leave him or have a affair if he didn't start taking our marriage seriously. I regret it deeply- even though we are divorced now- I hate that I caused him pain. I can tell you one thing, I will NEVER do anything like that ever again, it causes too many problems and too much pain- even if you don't get caught.

 

What your husband is doing is different IMO. It wasn't right when I did it, don't get me wrong, but he is doing it without care to how you feel about it when you find out. He doesn't seem repentant because he continues to do it again. It isn't like he has told you he's unhappy and you're unwilling to change. This is about him, not you, really.

 

Could he have a sexual addiction?

[LoveNoLoss]

Mz Pixie,

 

He isn't doing it anymore. He quit the band that he played in and threw himself into therapy. He admits that it was nothing to do with me and it was all about attention from other women.

 

As for sexual addiction, that has been ruled out by his therapist because he doesn't fit any other criteria for sexual addiction. He also isn't going through withdrawl symptoms now. He had sex with these women but he also talked to them alot. Always on the phone with them because many of them were located in other places far away. I think he has a bottomless pit when it comes to attention from women.. now what fuels that is not known. I had an affair and it lasted only a couple of weeks before I told him.. of course I found out about his double life before I actually sat him down. I had to do it because the guilt was horrible.. I was physically sick and couldn't function. He lived this way for years... He said he was able to shove the guilt aside... who does that??

[LoveNoLoss]

Here is a posting from my husband on another site and it explains how it was HIS problem and not mine.

 

As a "serial" WS, now a reformed FWS, I can promise you there was nothing my W could have said that would have changed my decisions.

 

Because it was never about her.

 

I will echo what's been said above - I wasn't thinking of how badly I was hurting my wife, betraying my marriage, putting her health at risk, or violating her trust.

 

I was only thinking about what was going to make me feel good right then and there.

 

The problem doesn't lie in the ACTION so much as it lies in the DECISION.

Why does someone who knows better go ahead and do something stupid anyway?

 

True, some people simply lack the moral code to make a correct decision - but they are rare, psychopathic individuals.

The rest of us KNOW right from wrong but sometimes, maybe often, choose the wrong path anyway.

 

My W had her first major breakthrough in healing when 6 months ago she realized...

 

"THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE - HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT TO ANYBODY, IT WASN'T JUST ME."

 

And that is true of 98% of all affairs, I think - maybe there are rare occasions where the WS truly has "good" reason to cheat, where the BS isn't worthy of their love (i.e., abusive), but in most cases the BS doesn't deserve to be cheated on, didn't make it happen, and is and was powerless to stop it.

 

Talk to your H about why HE chose to do the wrong thing even though he knows right from wrong...not about what you could have done to prevent it. That's a hopeless dead-end path to take.

[Moose]

Look, maybe there is such a thing as a hard wired cheater, I don't know for certain. But my opinion is that he's found an excuse as to why he cheated and he's milkin' it for all it's worth. He's convinced you and himself that somehow this is an illness. I for one wouldn't accept it. If it were Mrs. Moose feeding me these lines, I'd tell her to get lost, I ain't buyin' it. There's no way I'd waste my time building a relationship with a history like this one. Sorry.

[LoveNoLoss]

Moose,

 

I like your brassiness and honesty.. Let me ask you this.. why can't it be a sickness? Isn't someone sick in the first place that does this??? There is SOMETHING wrong because it ain't normal.

 

And what about love?

[Moose]

Let me ask you this.. why can't it be a sickness?

It very well may be. But really, I would think there would be other abnormalties if this was a true sickness. Stalking for instance, or even urges to rape.....your husband doesn't seem interested in either.

Isn't someone sick in the first place that does this???

No, not neccessarily. Let's face it, haven't you ever wished that it was ok to sleep with other people whether or not you were married? If it were socially acceptable, wouldn't just about anyone join in on it? If it wasn't considered immoral, wouldn't you have sex with someone other than your husband? I know that I would. But it's not acceptable, it is immoral, and I'm married which means I made a comittment, so I choose to honor that. My physical urges are under my control and I'm responsible for my actions.

And what about love?

I know a couple that argue day in and day out. I was brave enough to ask the husband if he loves his wife, his answer was more than life itself. Then why do they argue? Turns out their parents spent a lifetime screaming at each other and that seemed the norm. Some people are brought up learning that sex and love are to be kept seperate. Just because you have sex with someone, it doesn't mean you love them. I know that's wrong, and maybe other do too. But if you're raised that way, logic goes out the window. Does that make sense?

[Owl]

At the end of the day, what does it matter if it's a sickness, or a personality disorder, or whatever??? Call it carrots if you like, he's not truly committed to his marriage. He won't keep his vows to you, and you're still left to decide what you are willing to accept from him...

 

Regardless, good luck!

[LoveNoLoss]

Yes it does make sense. My husband's father is on his 4th marriage. He doesn't have a good track record himself. In fact, during the time he was a minister in a church in the midwest, the family had to leave the state because he was boinking some other woman in the church.. nice huh? My husband was 13 at the time. He was also the victim of bullies his entire life. The family never lived in the same place very long and everytime he entered a new place, the bullies beat the life out of him. I am not saying this is why he is like this. There are plenty of people that went through this but didn't end up cheating on their wives.

 

My husband is a very intelligent man. His favorite line that he uses (which he got from his therapist) is "why do otherwise intelligent people do stupid things" Ok.. well.. his philandering has nothing to do with intelligence. Duh. I do wonder where his brain was when he slept with 4 of these girls without a condom... I am lucky I didn't catch anything. Bastard! That alone is grounds for hooking him up to an Iraqi electrical torture machine.

 

My idea of REAL love is not sharing one's marriage with the groupie population of his band. He says he never planned on leaving me and that these women for simply for his ego stroking. Ok... but didn't you love me enough to NOT cheat on me? When this question is asked, the answer is always the same. "I was able to shove away right from wrong and my sickness was stronger; it took me over". Now he posts on other boards telling people about the horrors of cheating. He considers himself a former wayward spouse.... I like to think current philanderer in crises. I have scraped him up off the floor in a crying mess more than I care to admit. Maybe I am a sucker... and it just figures he wants to make this marriage work. Maybe he REALLY does.. but to find out what be too much of a risk. He will always be the love of my life... Hopefully I won't be haunted by that fact and I can love someone again, the way I loved him.

[Moose]

I think that if you stick with him, and keep an eye on him, you could build that trust up again. It'll be very, VERY hard work to trust him again. We all make mistakes, it only takes one time for most of us to realize when we do make a mistake, and for others, even though we know it's wrong, continue to make them. The line about his sickness taking him over is nonsense. He's convinced himself that he's, "cured", but I'm willing to bet that if he's faced with the opportunity, he'll strike again. If you two do decide to fix this, you'll either fail miserably, or you'll have a much stronger marriage because of it. It's a gamble that only you can take. I wish you luck.......

[Mz. Pixie]

I think I've seen some of your H's posts on another board- back when I frequented there hoping I could get my husband to go to counseling or such.

 

If he was having sex with them for ego strokes don't you think he would have gotten that just from the attention that being in a band can get you?

 

Lots of those guys get the big head- women slipping you their hotel key, etc. That doesn't mean you have to act on it. I will have to admit though that it has to take a pretty strong man to turn that kind of stuff down all the time. My cousin is married to a famous guy who has women throwing themselves at him all the time- he stays out of temptation. When the other guys in his band go to parties, he stays in his room and watches ESPN. It's in where your priorities lie.

[LoveNoLoss]

Ms Pixie

 

Ugh.. you actually can remember my husband's postings?? nice.

 

Yeah... you would think that just having the attention would be enough. Back when he was deceiving me to the nth degree he would say "yeah, I don't need to sleep with anyone because just knowing that they WOULD sleep with me was good enough" Little did I know... The thing that is scary is there was alot of concious deceiving going on... like the line above... he didn't have to say those things to me but he chose to say them to keep the wool over my eyes.. He was very much in his own world. A world I knew nothing about.

 

I do think it takes a strong individual to say "no" to such advances.. but it isn't unheard of. I am not sure what came first... the chicken or the egg.. did he get in a band so that he could get his ego stroked or did the life style just get to him? I do know he cheated on his wife before me and his fiance before that....

 

I wonder if therapy will help him at all..

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, if he posts on MB site I remember him.

 

Sadly, I'm not sure counseling will help him.

[Guest4Today]

Don't hate me but as the OW therapy will not help. My MM has had numerous affairs and we have been together over a year. He tells his W about our time together, about our vacation plans, leaves receipts for her to find, etc. It's a game to him. He knows she will never leave him, I just don't understand why she would put up with that.

[Moose]

He tells his W about our time together, about our vacation plans, leaves receipts for her to find, etc. It's a game to him.

I think this is a fake post. If not, How can you be so sure about all of this? Did you hear them talking to each other? Did you see with your own eyes him leaving receipts, and/or her finding them?

He knows she will never leave him,

Surely, noone is that gullable. Even so, if there were, why don't you introduce yourself to his wife? Might as well if he's really giving her all the proof she needs......

I just don't understand why she would put up with that.

Why don't you ask her? I think you're full of it.

[LoveNoLoss]

Moose,

 

It could be real... you never know.. I guess nothing shocks me anymore..

 

Ms Pixie,

 

Yep.. thats him on the MB Board.. good call... damn! You are good! WHat specifically makes you think he is not able to recover??? (SInce you read his postings there)

[Mz. Pixie]

I haven't read his postings lately- I only did during the time I was trying to work on my marriage..... it's been a while.

 

He could be a serial cheater, and I'm just not sure they change. I guess that it COULD happen, I'm just not sure it's likely.

 

Some of his postings also sounded like perhaps maybe you didn't want him anyway?

[LoveNoLoss]

Maybe I didn't want him? Please... no.. he was the love of my life.. I just wasn't the love of his.. He enjoyed traveling with the band and screwing groupies more...

 

I don't know if they can reform... even with therapy? Hard to say

We are not divorced but we have been separated since July... I just bought some divorce papers from Office Max.. Cheap marriage... CHeap divorce...

 

I suspect he doesn't think I would ever file... guess what? YEAH I WOULD... and I am going to ...I just want it to cost as little as possible... After all... he took me for a ride for 8 years... and since I can't get those 8 years back... at least I can get out with as little damage as possible...

 

I feel very sorry for the next woman in his life... and I hope he doesn't give her a disease since his fortay is NOT using a condom... God.. what a sick puppy.

[TMCM]

so, now he has been "clean" for oh a whoppin 8 months.. and I am the bad one because I am still with OM... ok.. I don't think my affair was ok.. but umm.. I can't help but to believe it saved me from more harm from my husband.

 

What a hoot of a statement. Your holier-than-thou attitude is incredible [not to mention hypocritical].

[Resilient]

LnL,

 

I'm an MB Member since '2000. I was married to a prof musician for 16 years, together 21.

 

I won't make any blanket sweeping statements regarding musicians, but my ex-husband's numero uno emotional need was "Admiration", with SF a very close second. Being a musician fed that need. And that, coupled with his weak character resulted in serial cheating -- and all the ugly baggage that comes with it.

 

We seperated in '1991 where he left me for one of his groupies and then proceeded to cheat on her with a ONS. He fathered children, unbeknownst to me, with both women because his MO was no condom and then came back to me and the marriage. Only to do it again 7 years later. And oh, BTW ... I was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer during his second run of cheating which turns out was a result of his sharing STDs with me that were symptomless and left untreated [HPV].

 

I have to say this man had no conscience, but moreover because he was a "musician", felt entitlement. He "acted" somewhat remorseful when we reconciled after seperation, he begged and pleaded and promised, but only because he was running scared and "he" was feeling some pain for a change. Not because he empathized with my devistation. Not because he understood the gravity of what his actions had done. It was always all about HIM.

 

Harley states there are indicators for measuring a WS's true desire for recovery:

 

1. His actions consistently match his words

2. He hides nothing

3. He feels true empathy for the BS and remorse for what he did because he understands the gravity of the destruction his actions caused.

 

Prayers to you, and God Bless,

Jo

[Resilient]

LnL,

 

I would also like to add that if you and your husband do end up divorced, proceeding in a relationship with the OM is, as one poster pointed out, mirroring your husband's actions.

 

If you are sincere about wanting to heal, then end your illicit relationship with the OM. Be on your own so you can sort out all that you have gone thru. Find happiness as a single person of integrity and honor. Someone again worthy of a lasting loving relationship.

 

Unfortuntely, I do suspect its highly unlikely you'll follow my advice because your affair is an addiction. And it IS an affair.

 

God Bless,

Jo

[dewt]

There are indicators for measuring a WS's true desire for recovery:

 

1. His actions consistently match his words

2. He hides nothing

3. He feels true empathy for the BS and remorse for what he did because he understands the gravity of the destruction his actions caused.

 

Hey, I really like this, Jo. Thanks.

 

I'm going to print it out and tape it to the wall so I can look at it. If you look beyond the infidelity issue, this is a good reminder for all of us who have failed our spouses in any way...

 

dewt