Serial Cheating vs. One Time Affair

[Moose]

We have talked about divorce but we are working on more pressing issues like taxes.

Isn't this just the American Statement of the Century?????........"My taxes are more important over the one I committed to share the rest of my life with"..........

 

Look, I promise you.......the longer you fart and fool around with this issue without a plan of attack or withdrawl over this situation, the more and more miserable you'll become. You can bet that your tax problems are going to take the same amount of time to resolve itself whether or not you figure this thing out.

 

Furthermore:

Mine are pretty solvable but his need a tax attorney.

Sounds like a seperate issue anyway.

 

and

We both (him more than me) have HUGE tax problems.

Sounds like distancing yourself sooner than later from this isn't such a bad idea........

 

So I'm a little confused as to why you'd say this:

Unfortuantly, things are not that black and white huh?

Things couldn't be any clearer from where I'm sittin'...........

[LoveNoLoss]

Ahhh Moose!! I missed you??? Where has your harda$$ been?!? LOL...

 

Yes, well... he didn't pay taxes for 8 years which I think was also related to his serial cheating.. part of his lack of growing up? Yes, this is something I should run from.

 

Since he is paying for back taxes until his case gets pushed through the courts... AND I am paying off debts regarding a medical situation, we just don't have the money for divorce. Are there any one can do for SUPER CHEAP?? We have no kids or community property... advice appreciated.

[blindsided470]

So I take it that you haven't filed because of financial reasons? Ok fair enough but please do consider not having any contact with him that is not related strictly to tiding up things before the divorce. By your own admission you still have very strong feelings for him and the more contact you have with him, the harder it will be to make the final split when the financial issues get finally resolved.

[Moose]

Not that I promote divorce......but if there's no contestation between the two of you, no assets, no children......it's just a matter of filing the proper paperwork, (which you can do yourselves), and you can find most of what you need to do at your public library.

 

I'd say that it's possible, (in your case), to get things done for under $1,000.00. I guess it also depends on where you're at geographically.

 

It's really pretty sad how easy it is.

[dewt]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

 

Dewt, if you don't mind me asking... were you a serial cheater? Do you know why you cheated?

 

I just found this place again... I got lost... Sorry 'bout the delay in answering.

 

I don't have time right now to offer a proper answer to your questions, but for sure I will come back.

 

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions too. I know all to well that my wife is damaged. I am also aware that I've played a big role in that. I want so much to make amends (and not just for my own sake) and I think I could really benefit from some of your insight...

 

ttfn,

 

John

[LoveNoLoss]

Dewt,

 

No problem. Ask away and I shall provide you with my best answer. You can always PM if you don't want this particular thing published but i think it's a good idea to put it on record so that other's can relate to the different positions of infidelity.

[dewt]

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it means. I feel that in many ways, you and my wife are facing similar issues. This in particular:

 

The funny thing is... I believe you when you say you are trying to change. I really do...

 

Thank you for your faith in me. It's odd, but I think you are the first person to actually say that to me. It means a lot. Thanks.

 

...I believe you more than anything that comes out of my husbands mouth. But your wife is damaged. She is damaged from the past. I don't know what her thought processes are but if she is anything like me, she is with the other person because she can trust them and not you.

 

She is living with me for now. We are supposed to be focused on fixing ourselves (as individuals) and helping our child with his disability. After this is 'done' we are suppossed to readdress the marriage issue. I'm having a hard time just putting that on the back burner.

 

What you said about her being with the other person because she can trust them, well, that rings a bell of truth. And also, that person listens better than I do. Makes her feel special and valuable more than I do.

 

My history of infidelity came to an end in 1999 when I joined 'that other site' and it's membership and principles helped me to better understand the nature of infidelity and the true devastation of the consequences. It is an amazing fact, in retrospect, that it was HER who cheated, and not me. I just simply don't do that anymore. But there is damage there nonetheless.

 

When it comes to trust, while I can't blame her, the fact of the matter is this: I truly love her and want only the best for her and our son and our family. I would never ever knowingly hurt her or betray her, and the knowledge that defines that is growing and maturing constantly. She may feel she can trust the OP, but that person willingly participated in a course of action that has wreaked more havoc on my wife's life than anything I personally have ever done. Our son, the center of Dylan's universe, is a complete mess, and this affair has made everything that much worse.

 

I guess I kinda do blame her a little because I feel I'm currently suffering through the worst pain of my life and doing my best to keep it together instead of running for the hills because of my love and commitment for my Wife and family. OP acted selfishly with little to no regard for the consequences of involvement with a confused married woman and no regard for the consequences in an innocent child's life. I am far from perfect, that's for sure, but I gotta ask you? Who deserves the trust here?

 

One of the really important questions I wanted to ask you was how can I regain her trust? After wounding her with years of neglect and infidelity (not tons of infidelity, but enough) how can I prove to her that I not only Love her, but Cherish her as well? Understand that I've never ever been abusive or mean or ungentle in anyway, I'm genuinely a nice guy so it's not like we're talking about that kind of trust....

 

Were you a serial cheater like my husband? How many times did she catch you? I ask this because if she gave you chances(I gave my husband three chances) then she may feel it's a total loss.

 

Caught me? It was never like she 'caught' me. There was deception to be sure, but it's more of a confession situation than I got 'caught'. In ten years, I've had 1 serious affair, but enough close calls that it is a theme. Plus I have a bad overall history with infidelity. Any sane person would write me off as a lost cause except that for bout 6 years I've not cheated. While W and I were separated, I had two girlfriends and each time broke it off when I my Wife acted in ways that made me think she wanted to fix things. Also while we were apart I had 2 ONS. While I don't look back at those experiences as cheating, I do feel that I was being unfaithful to my wife. We are not legally married, and she has repeated assured me it was 'over', but the fact is I should have remained strong and true to what I really value.

 

As for what caused all this? What's behind it? I'm currently in therapy up to my neck. Self-esteem, pot smoking, childhood issues, everything is and has been looked at. All of it makes some sense but recently research is leading me to look VERY seriously at ADD. (which is a very bad acronym, because 's' is right next to 'd' on the keyboard and two seconds ago, I was telling you how seriously I was looking at ASS, which is NOT the impression I want to give). To sum it up, for years I've been falling short of the mark on so many levels, not because I'm a loser, but because I need treatment for a specific disorder. Not because I lack integrity or Love for my wife and family, but because without treatment I am incapable of functioning normally on many levels. We will see what my research turns up. My son is being looked at for ADD which is what led me down that line of research. There IS a hereditary factor.

 

Now, after everything, he has quit the band, changed his phone number and given up OW. He is also in therapy. He wants to do the right thing, but the problem is, I don't believe it. I feel he is just in crises mode and as soon as we got back together to work things out, WHAMMO, he would go back to his old ways...

 

This could be a direct quote from my wife. Except that being a conflict avoider like me, I doubt she'd ever come out and say it. This is exactly why I wanted to post with you. (oh yeah, I can't private message with other women, please no offence) Because I feel that you can be perfectly honest and blunt with me.

 

So let's say you see you husband in treatment and let's say you start to see some changes. What kind of effect would that have on you? Would you even allow yourself to see those changes? How long would he have to keep it up before you started to let your guard down a little bit? I understand that it would be a slow gradual process, but do you think it could be done? How do I prove to her that I really am sick of living the life I've lived? That my changes are permanent and profound? That I can fufill the potential that she knows I have?

 

You seem to have real remorse... I can tell... I haven't heard those same words out of my husband's mouth... the way you talk.. I CAN TELL.

 

Thank you. When I began to fully realize the pain my infidelity cause, I became physically sick. It was crushing, overwhelming. Most of all it was a process. And in many ways it still is. To be sure I haven't CHEATED on my wife, but when we were apart, I demonstrated that the tendency to selfishly fill my needs instead of persevering with integrity is still there. Had she said "This is just a separation. I want to work things out," and made it clear, I definitely would not have had sex with anyone else. But that's a just a loophole.

 

My husband is all about pointing the finger at me because I AM THE SICK one now and he is 8 months clean.

 

Part of me feels this way about my wife. I feel like I'm really trying to deal with my issues, and keep the good of the family in mind and really change things. I feel like she, on the other hand, insists on not being a part of the healing process even though she played a significant role in bringing US to this point too. I'm more than willing to admit that I'm not perfect, but the fact is neither is she. I'm frustrated because I'm trying so hard and feel like she is not. When I found out that her affair had been continuing behind my back, it was so discouraging because I realized that as long as that was going on, nothing I did would make a difference.

 

Well, when you are working on things... you don't count the months that you haven't been with another woman.. and you don't spend your time on message boards touting and claiming that you are on the right track and I am grand and I blah blah blah.. it's more about convincing others and himself I think. But I can tell you are for real...

 

I've over 1000 posts logged on that other site in the past year. This has been a real learning experience for me and more than that, it's been an excruciating, drawn out process. Like I posted to you before, for a complicated set of reasons, I largely ignored your husbands posts. I can tell you though that a lot of my early stuff was very emotionally reactive. My understanding of myself and this situation is something that has grown and continues to do so. I did a lot of posting when I was really hurting and struggling and less posting when I was keeping it together, so rereading all my posts doesn't neccesarily give me, or anyone else an accurate overall view of what was going on. I spent a lot of time stubbornly stuggling for perspective and lots of times that came out as argumentative and a lot of things I just refused to understand.

 

and I dream of day when I can tell my husband is TRULY remorseful.. and not some pissed of little boy that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

 

I think that is a fundemantal part of why I'm posting to you. Something in your posts tells me you really love this man and wish it could work out. I strongly suspect this is the case with my wife. I'm hoping you can advise me on how to deal with this.

 

Thanks. Sorry for the delay then flood. Tons of chaos over here and I'm flying by the seat of my pants most days.

 

dewt