Questioning my decision to stop seeing her...

[High_hopes]

Hello

 

I was dating a girl for several weeks and things were great. All of a sudden she seemed to lose interest. She just wasn't as excited and appeared less enthusiastic, less contact. She didn't disappear, just gave me a little less attention. Seemed less curious about me and less interested.

Meanwhile, I was really into her but this whole things got in my head. I couldn't be the same guy. Do the same things, say the same things...I didn't want to step back....

 

A week went by, I spoke to her about it. We seemed to resolve things. I waited another few days but a few things she said and did lead me to think things weren't going to change and that she wasn't as interested. Anxiety overcame me. I called her and told her I didn't think it would work out, that I didn't see that things would change.

I told her that she deserves someone she is crazy about.

 

Two weeks later now and I feel like I miss her and that I would like to revisit this. I contacted once a few days after I broke it off. It wasn't to ask her back. Just that we remain friendly. Not sure how I should handle this or even if I should. There were some things she said and did that I didn't like but I can't help this urge to want to revisit it....

 

A lot of people say, just move on...give me the plenty of fish in the sea thing. I guess I'm just disappointed and woud like to see her again.

Edited February 21, 2015 by High_hopes

[devilish innocent]

It doesn't sound like it was working out. I think you ended because you already knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. It's not going to be any different if you go back now. Try to accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on to the next thing.

[High_hopes]

It doesn't sound like it was working out. I think you ended because you already knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. It's not going to be any different if you go back now. Try to accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on to the next thing.

 

 

Definitely...been on the fence about that though. Just can't help thinking it should have been explored more. I actually think it can work if just a few things change.

I think we want the same things. I just think I'm more ready and she's more reluctant. Not about me, I think it's too soon for either one of us to tell. I really don't think

it would matter if it was me or not. She still would have turned. I think she looked for something to go wrong.

 

I am trying to lead with half head half heart but my head in split down the middle. It's a threesome...... ; ) I also don't want to be rejected...of course, who does

Edited February 21, 2015 by High_hopes

[Ruby65]

It sounds like she lost interest at some point and you sensed that her feelings for you changed. It was wise to end things there.

 

The first months of a relationship are the honeymoon stage and if she's already losing feelings for you this soon, that doesn't bode well for the a lasting relationship between you.

 

I wouldn't contact her, wait and see what she does.

[High_hopes]

It sounds like she lost interest at some point and you sensed that her feelings for you changed. It was wise to end things there.

 

The first months of a relationship are the honeymoon stage and if she's already losing feelings for you this soon, that doesn't bode well for the a lasting relationship between you.

 

I wouldn't contact her, wait and see what she does.

 

 

When I called her to break it off she yelled at me. Don't think she was happy about it. She sent me a text later that day saying that if only I had more patience I would have been pleasantly surprised. I think that statement only showed that something was wrong. Why would she say I should have had patience if everything was ok? We weren't married or even with each other long. Just a few weeks. Why would I want to be patient?

If we were married then yes. Have patience. Dating a few weeks? huh? Why would I want to be with someone who is showing less interest while I am trying to have fun and get to know her?

 

Anyway, I don't think she will come around. Unless I made the move nothing is happening. I don't think she is the type to make any moves.

[Ruby65]

I don't think there's a "type" that makes moves.... it has to do with her level of interest. Someone who really wants to be with you does whatever it takes to make it happen.

[High_hopes]

Someone who really wants to be with you does whatever it takes to make it happen.

 

You told me not to do anything and wait to what she does.

 

Does this contradict that statement?

[Ruby65]

My belief is that she's not interested enough to do what it takes to fix this.

 

You're questioning whether or not to contact her at this point. I'd advise anyone in your position not to make contact.

[High_hopes]

My belief is that she's not interested enough to do what it takes to fix this.

 

You're questioning whether or not to contact her at this point. I'd advise anyone in your position not to make contact.

 

Ok. I broke it off with her. Regardless of her current level of interest I really don't think she will do anything.

 

Let's pretend for a moment that she did have interest and she came to this forum seeking advise. In telling her story she states that this guy broke it off with her. etc, etc... She is here asking what to do and if she should contact the guy.. I am willing to bet that 95% of the people responding would tell her NOT to contact the guy because he broke it off with her and he should come back if he wants her back. No matter how long the dating or relationship lasted.

[Ruby65]

It's unlikely someone with a low interest level would be posting for advice on a forum like this.

 

But I'm guessing, if she did, that people would ask why the relationship ended. If she said the guy broke up with her because he picked up on her loss of interest after just a few weeks of dating.... they'd probably tell her it wasn't meant to be and to move on.

[High_hopes]

It's unlikely someone with a low interest level would be posting for advice on a forum like this.

 

But I'm guessing, if she did, that people would ask why the relationship ended. If she said the guy broke up with her because he picked up on her loss of interest after just a few weeks of dating.... they'd probably tell her it wasn't meant to be and to move on.

 

And then if she said but I am interested I was going through a funk or I or over reacted to something or was having a bad week, what ever.

 

Then the answer would be... then go let him know it?

[Ruby65]

IF she was interested enough to post here (which she hasn't)....

 

... and IF she said she was just in a funk and wanted to get back together (which she hasn't)....

 

... then, in that unlikely circumstance, the advice would be to reach out and do whatever it takes to let him know she wants to make things work (which she hasn't done.)

 

Basically at this point you're projecting your own feelings and motivations onto her. Stop with the mental gymnastics.... let yourself chill for a while and see what she REALLY does next, not what you imagine she might do next.

[High_hopes]

Basically at this point you're projecting your own feelings and motivations onto her. Stop with the mental gymnastics.... let yourself chill for a while and see what she REALLY does next, not what you imagine she might do next.

 

Well, that really wasn't the point of my response. I don't imagine she'll do anything. In fact, that is exactly what I said. I know exactly what she will do next. Nothing. No matter what her feelings are. I broke it off with her period. That's all she needs. I know her and would be shocked if I heard from her.

 

No matter what she feels she has friends and family saying. He broke it off with you, move on. I feel confident about that.

 

I was just curious what the advise given to her would be if she were here.

 

And I am sure she has no clue that this site even exists.

 

I'm second guessing my decision to completely close the door with this girl. I guess it's move on or nothing then....

Edited February 21, 2015 by High_hopes

[alphamale]

dude, don't give in to the dark side

[High_hopes]

dude, don't give in to the dark side

 

Nice ...

 

Trying not too. Once you go there you can't take it back. That's why I'm here. Hoping to get give advise.

 

I guess the "second chance' should be left up to her.

 

Nice response, Nice user name and nice scarface quote. Seems to all blend well... lol..

[Ralph79]

Haven't read your other 70+ posts, but based solely on this thread I will make the following observations:

 

1. You took a gamble. It didn't pay off. You showed your hand and she called your bluff. You broke things off with her and you kept calling her with the excuse of "remaining friends". I would have screamed at you too. And for good measure I would have also told you what she told you, just to screw with your mind in retaliation. Nobody likes being dumped. Even if she didn't take it so hard at first or wasn't all that interested in you. I repeat, nobody likes to be dumped.

 

2. You are in no position to go back to her. You could try but you'd be sacrificing your dignity. You'd be at her mercy and you know this. In reality this is what is keeping from attempting. Your dignity and self respect are worth much more than whatever you could from her in your current situation.

 

3. Don't confuse Pride with Dignity. Being guilty of too much pride would be if you were at fault here. If you had wronged her in some way, then yes, by all means apologize and start over. But she wasn't interested in you. And you made the right choice. Don't go back to that relationship and regress, keep your dignity.

 

Lastly, I would advise you as others have, stop placing yourself in her frame of mind. Stop living her life. Live your own. Start asking the right questions. Not hers. Yours.

[High_hopes]

Haven't read your other 70+ posts, but based solely on this thread I will make the following observations:

 

1. You took a gamble. It didn't pay off. You showed your hand and she called your bluff. You broke things off with her and you kept calling her with the excuse of "remaining friends". I would have screamed at you too. And for good measure I would have also told you what she told you, just to screw with your mind in retaliation. Nobody likes being dumped. Even if she didn't take it so hard at first or wasn't all that interested in you. I repeat, nobody likes to be dumped.

 

2. You are in no position to go back to her. You could try but you'd be sacrificing your dignity. You'd be at her mercy and you know this. In reality this is what is keeping from attempting. Your dignity and self respect are worth much more than whatever you could from her in your current situation.

 

3. Don't confuse Pride with Dignity. Being guilty of too much pride would be if you were at fault here. If you had wronged her in some way, then yes, by all means apologize and start over. But she wasn't interested in you. And you made the right choice. Don't go back to that relationship and regress, keep your dignity.

 

Lastly, I would advise you as others have, stop placing yourself in her frame of mind. Stop living her life. Live your own. Start asking the right questions. Not hers. Yours.

 

I hear you on all points but I didn't keep calling her. You have that wrong. It was one message I sent. One...repeat... one. We live up the block from one another and have mutual friends. It was one message saying I wanted to leave things civil. I did that because of the circumstances and because when I spoke to her I was calm and mature about it yet she flew off the handle so I wanted to keep the peace. I never said I want to be friends and I have not contacted her.

 

I also don't understand the last part. Stop living her life? Placing myself in her frame of mind? I really don't understand that. Living in her head would be

trying to figure out why she lost interest or trying to figure out her next move. That's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out my move if any.

 

No need to explain. Just don't see it that way. I live my life, I'm in my head having a little regret for not keeping this door open.

 

And I don't think it's right for anyone to do something just to screw with someones mind in retaliation... that's just mean.

 

Lastly, Not to get too technical here but we weren't in a 'relationship' at all. We dated a few weeks. I'm not even sure we were exclusive. I didn't 'dump' her

as you put it. We had tentative plans for that coming weekend. I told her I didn't think she was very interested anymore so maybe we shouldn't see each other.

This was two weeks after first noticing a little change.

Edited February 21, 2015 by High_hopes

[Ralph79]

I hear you on all points but I didn't keep calling her. You have that wrong. It was one message I sent. One...repeat... one. We live up the block from one another and have mutual friends. It was one message saying I wanted to leave things civil. I did that because of the circumstances and because when I spoke to her I was calm and mature about it yet she flew off the handle so I wanted to keep the peace. I never said I want to be friends and I have not contacted her.

 

I also don't understand the last part. Stop living her life? Placing myself in her frame of mind? I really don't understand that.

 

No need to explain. Just don't see it that way. I live my life, I'm in my head having a little regret for not keeping this door open.

 

And I don't think it's right for anyone to do something just to screw with someones mind in retaliation... that's just mean.

 

Lastly, Not to get too technical here but we weren't in a 'relationship' at all. We dated a few weeks. I'm not even sure we were exclusive. I didn't 'dump' her

as you put it. We had tentative plans for that coming weekend. I told her I didn't think she was very interested anymore so maybe we shouldn't see each other.

This was two weeks after first noticing a little change.

 

You only sent her 1 text. I see.

 

I misread the subsequent posts. You mentioned she got angry when you called her. But you clearly stated that said call took place during your breakup. Not after. That's why I had the idea that it was multiple times. My mistake.

 

And just to clarify, even if there's no need, (I don't like typing things people don't understand), you started venturing into scenarios in your head in regards to what would people tell her, if she was the one asking for advice, on these forums. That's information that's really only relevant and useful to her. I can't blame you for wondering that. I did too. Just telling you from experience, it's a waste of your time.

 

On the retaliation part. I agree it is mean. And I didn't say it was right. I was merely trying to add another possibility as to why she could have said something like that, if you are certain she showed little interest in the relationship in the past.

 

I've done many things in my past I regret. But I'm not going to pretend to be righteous and infallible and say I could never make those same mistakes again. If someone manages to push my buttons (much more difficult to do now, though not impossible). If they hurt me, and I was convinced I didn't want to go back, I could also see myself telling them : "Yeah, you broke up with me, your loss, because it actually could have worked" (or a similar sentiment), out of anger.

 

In any case, why not just call her then? You are in a way trying to convince everyone here that there might be a positive outcome from it. Don't let the opinion of others keep you from doing things you feel you must do. Some lessons can only be learned through personal experience.

 

We'll be here to listen and give you feedback on whatever you chose to do.

[High_hopes]

you started venturing into scenarios in your head in regards to what would people tell her, if she was the one asking for advice, on these forums. That's information that's really only relevant and useful to her. I can't blame you for wondering that. I did too. Just telling you from experience, it's a waste of your time.

That was only because someone said see what she does next and I said she wouldn't do anything. I was creating the scenario because I didn't think anyone would even recommend her contacting me based on the fact that I broke it off with her. However, someone did make sense of it for me.

 

On the retaliation part. I agree it is mean. And I didn't say it was right. I was merely trying to add another possibility as to why she could have said something like that, if you are certain she showed little interest in the relationship in the past.

 

"Yeah, you broke up with me, your loss, because it actually could have worked" (or a similar sentiment), out of anger.

I definitely think she did say that out of anger.

 

In any case, why not just call her then?

 

Don't let the opinion of others keep you from doing things you feel you must do. Some lessons can only be learned through personal experience.

I agree but like everyone else we've all made those decisions and have regretted them. I for one have and don't want to do it again. I can't wonder what she's thinking but I know she wouldn't make the move. I can wonder if I made the right decision or not because I liked her.

 

Believe me. I liked her a lot but I am the last person who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. The struggle is do I take the risk of finding out and most everyone say's no.

[Ralph79]

The struggle is do I take the risk of finding out and most everyone say's no.

 

When my then wife wanted another chance, after leaving me to be with her ex-BF for 3 months, 99 people (probably more, just speaking figuratively), told me it was a bad idea. It only took 1 person to tell me:

 

"Are you ready to live with the uncertainty of that HUGE 'What If', if you don't take her back? She wants to be with you, all you have to do is say yes. Everyone who is telling you otherwise won't have to live with the uncertainty you will face for the rest of your life".

 

I was like....damn

 

I said yes, and a few months later I was humiliated and ridiculed and abandoned a week after my father died. She never came back.

 

Does a similar fate await you? Who knows, but my point is, only you can balance the weight of uncertainty vs the certainty you know of that relationship. It's up to you to decide what you want to live with.

[High_hopes]

only you can balance the weight of uncertainty vs the certainty

 

Dude....that's brilliant.

 

I think you made the right move with your ex. You would have never known otherwise. Plus, you had family and friends, I am assuming all very close to you telling you that you must venture down that path.

 

If they were telling you not to and you did. Well, still the same outcome. Only with the I told you so....

[Ralph79]

Dude....that's brilliant.

 

I think you made the right move with your exbf. You would have never known otherwise. Plus, you had family and friends, I am assuming all very close to you telling you that you must venture down that path.

 

If they were telling you not to and you did. Well, still the same outcome. Only with the I told you so....

 

My ex-wife aborted our kid, for the sake of not ruining her chances of being with her ex. She didn't want to risk getting pregnant again because she didn't want to risk having an "ugly" baby. She asked if I was willing to let her exBF impregnate her because she wanted her kid to have his features.

 

My ex-wife confessed to me that she cried before our wedding ceremony because she wanted to go back to her ex-BF whom she had been on and off with 3 times (juggling another guy) before she met me.

 

And she confessed she only went through with the wedding because she figured she'd get some alimony and properties through a divorce settlement in a year at most.

 

At the same time she cried several times begging me for forgiveness for being so horrible to me. Begged me not to let her ruin our marriage. Pleaded sobbing to not let her crazy attitude destroy the only things that had ever brought stability and happiness to her life: Me & our marriage.

 

My family & friends knew she had issues and that her feelings for me weren't genuine. I couldn't see that. As rational as you may think I am today, I was her pawn. And she was several years younger.

 

So to clarify... EVERYONE told me to stay away from her. Except 1 guy I barely knew, who said what I told you.

 

I paid a heavy price for that choice. For that benefit of not having uncertainty. And I'm on these forums to share my experiences and what little wisdom I got, hoping it's of help to others, so that the price I paid for my choice seems like a bargain.

[SycamoreCircle]

Don't wait to see what she does. Just let it go. It's over. This early there shouldn't be these kind of problems. I don't think there's anything you could have done differently. Sometimes it's just who you essentially are next to who she essentially is. I'm sorry. Focus on moving on.

[High_hopes]

 

So to clarify... EVERYONE told me to stay away from her. Except 1 guy I barely knew, who said what I told you.

 

I paid a heavy price for that choice. For that benefit of not having uncertainty. And I'm on these forums to share my experiences and what little wisdom I got, hoping it's of help to others, so that the price I paid for my choice seems like a bargain.

 

Wow, did I have it wrong. Thought you said they wanted you to go to her and try.

[High_hopes]

ya,,I'm pretty damn attracted o this girl and we were having fun.

 

No sex either. Well, just once.

 

The hanging out was great. Fun times, good conversation, some laughs.....

It was alright....