MARTHA Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 WHY DO MEN LOOK AT PORN?????????????? I've been dating this guy for about 3 1/2 years and from the beginning he has known how i feel about porn. He has a 16 year old son who lives with us and when he first moved in he brought this book with him and i told his father how i felt about it and that i would not tolerate it....well about a year went by and i found out that his son was looking at porn on the Internet so i put a password and never gave it to him will about 6 months after that incident i gave him the password and about 2 months ago i found out he was looking at it again so i put a password now yesterday i get back from work and notice that my boyfriend was looking at porn i was very PISSED and he denied it and i showed him what i found and he didn't reply. i told him that i've tried everything u can possibly do with a man to keep him satisfied so why would he go looking for porn and just stayed quiet. well i told him he knew from the beginning how i felt and that i couldn't see myself having sex with him anymore so for him to leave...later that night he hugged me and kissed my forehead and said that he was sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me...i love him.....what should i do
thornshurt Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 how is porn hurting you. let the kid have some fun it's only natural
Moose Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 First off, this thread probably belongs in the general relationship forum. But here's my take on this.I've been dating this guy for about 3 1/2 years and from the beginning he has known how i feel about porn.If he knew how you felt from day one, what does this tell you about the level of respect he has for you?He has a 16 year old son who lives with us and when he first moved in he brought this book with him and i told his father how i felt about it and that i would not tolerate it....I take it the book had porn? Hopefully this boy won't be there much longer, but what stood out to me about this comment was the part about you not tolerating it. I for one would not be too happy if my wife told me she wouldn't, "tolerate", something. Sometimes setting down and explaining the reasons why you don't want this in your house would be more widely accepted than you demanding compliance with your, "rules".well i told him he knew from the beginning how i felt and that i couldn't see myself having sex with him anymore so for him to leave...Personally, I would've just left. Using sex as blackmail is wrong, no matter how you look at it. If Mrs. Moose ever said something like that to me, I'd show her the door. If he promised you he'd never look at porn, that's one thing. But if he never made such a promise, and he's not looking at porn with you present, you have no grounds. Men look at porn. I wish women would get over it. later that night he hugged me and kissed my forehead and said that he was sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me...i love him.....what should i doOnly you can answer that. If you hold true to your word and expect him to do the same, then maybe you two should sit down a spell it out to each other what you expect. Otherwise, find a robot to have a relationship with.....
Author MARTHA Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 I THANK YOU for your reply he has never promised not to look at it and i will take u up on sitting down with him and talk about it. but i would like other men to give me there thoughts...but u didn't answer my question...WHY DO MEN LOOK AT PORN???
alphamale Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by MARTHA WHY DO MEN LOOK AT PORN?????????????? - boredom - our woman has been withholding sex for last 3 months - to see good looking skinny naked women that we'll never get in real life - to assist in masturbation - to piss of the wife or girlfriend or any other females in the vicinity - need to keep the economy of san fernando valley booming - can't find the Matrix DVD - wife gained 80 lbs and there are 3 kids running around the house - an old girlfriend posed for the porn - stress reducer - etc.....
Moose Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 God made women extremly attractive for a reason. Men looking at porn is the equivalent to an animal's instinct to stalk it's prey. - to see good looking skinny naked women that we'll never get in real lifeHA, speak for yourself buddy..........
alphamale Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by Moose HA, speak for yourself buddy.......... oh, I've been with enuf of them MOOSE, but a lot of men don't get the pleasure that we do so they rely on porn to experience vicariously.
Moose Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I apologize, it just seemed to me that your list was so extensive and explicit that I assumed you were speaking from personal experience.........my bad. By the way, the, "them" you've had, "enuf", of are also known as, "women". One of God's most beautiful creations.
hyjacked Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Martha can I ask you some questions? OK... thank you! Did you know bf "had an interest" in that kind of material early in the relationship and you continued on? Do you as a person have the privledge of determining your personal life convictions and actions whether they are totally agreeable with someone elses choices? Does bf as an adult individual have those same privledges? Is a peace loving bond best found in a relationship that has roots of control and enforced compliance? Do you want bf to except and love you as the person you are with all the good and the quirks? Can you do that and share a life with him? Do You want to be right or do you want to be happy??
faux Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Teenage boys will look at porn, no matter what you do to try to stop them. Your efforts will not be effective for long. Men just look at porn. There's nothing wrong with it. Different men have different reasonings.
moimeme Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Try buying a cattle prod and sticking him with it every time you find porn. Or maybe a taser. I think you can maybe get a home EEG machine that you can hook him up to and see his brainwaves so you can attack him whenever he thinks things you don't allow him to think. Be sure to give him a list of all your commands and the punishment he can expect for not obeying.
Grinning Maniac Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I suppose I have a question... First, your man...Why does the idea of him looking at porn bother you so much? The reasons are always a little different for each person, so I'm curious what yours are. On another note, leave the guy's son alone. He's 16. Let him experiment already. He's going to do that sort of thing whether you approve or not. Frankly, it's not even your business to begin with is it? You're his *father's* live-in girlfriend. That's all. You're not HIS girlfriend . You're not even really the kid's mom. You really have no right to tell him what he can do with his own body. His father has that right even though it'd be a foolish cause to rally against, and I suspect he knows that... but you are out of your jurisdiction. If porn isn't your thing, if it makes you feel icky, that's just peachy. But does that have to do with the kid? It goes without saying that you aren't in a relationship with the little bugger, so why are you so eager to dictate that part of his life? I know I'd be a little creeped out, if at the age of 16, someone my dad was banging felt it appropriate to share their opinions on sexuality with me... "Get away from me, old lady. It's my johnson and I'll jerk if I want to..."
DeaconFrost Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Try buying a cattle prod and sticking him with it every time you find porn. Or maybe a taser. I think you can maybe get a home EEG machine that you can hook him up to and see his brainwaves so you can attack him whenever he thinks things you don't allow him to think. Be sure to give him a list of all your commands and the punishment he can expect for not obeying. In case you didn't notice, moimeme was being very sarcastic . In any event, why is it such a big deal? Does his viewing of porn have to do with some kind of religious conflict? Does it have to do with a self-esteem blow? Maybe you should ask yourself why it is such a big deal to YOU first before you jump all over him. Men watch porn for all kinds of reasons. And the great part is is that 98% of the time it is purely harmless. Let me put it to you in this way...as humans men are programmed to impregnant many women. It's part of our genetic material and evolutionary requirement to ensure survival of the species. Having said that, the sight of other women will ALWAYS attract our attention (much in the same way an attractive man can garner the attention of particular female). There is nothing we can do about it except keep it at bay (especially in front of the women we love). We all express ourselves in different matters and if porn is the safest route for him to deal with this evolutionary predisposition than so be it. Just because he watches "a cheap flick" doesn't mean he loves you any less. Porn is essentially a safe means of fulfilling a fantasy. We all have them. It's better to accept and to accomodate than it is to repress and chastise. If you are so hung up on porn, putting this spin on it may make you feel a bit better. Your bf loves you so much...and you are't even aware of it. He is so aware of his innate, evolutionary desires that he is going to great lengths to control them for the sake of your mutual relationship. Instead of cheating or pursuing other women, he is safely approaching this programmed perdicament in a healthy manner by viewing porn to quell his inborn desires through manifesting them in the form of fantasies. He can confront these issues safely and privately, which leaves him with a greater amount of energy to enrich and enhance your relationship. Now doens't that sound better than making him and his son out to be the bad guys? Porn is harmelss. Its true (like anything) if it is taken to an extreme it can be a hint of addiction or psychological issues. But for the most part, men WILL ALWAYS have an interest in porn and the female species no matter how miniscule the drive is. The quicker that you accept this, the easier it will be for you to stop harping and continue progressing within your relationship.
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale - boredom - our woman has been withholding sex for last 3 months - to see good looking skinny naked women that we'll never get in real life - to assist in masturbation - to piss of the wife or girlfriend or any other females in the vicinity - need to keep the economy of san fernando valley booming - can't find the Matrix DVD - wife gained 80 lbs and there are 3 kids running around the house - an old girlfriend posed for the porn - stress reducer - etc..... ok... why would guys wana watch porn to "Piss of the wife or gf" ?? Mayb thats wot my bf is doin to me... (read "my bf constantly lies to me!!!" on topic of dating so u can understand)
7on Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 On a personal note I look at porn because I lack a relationship. Never being in one, I don't know how I could help with your B/F situation. However, just ignore your 16yr old looking at porn. Do mention that it's bad and whatnot, but don't go out of your way to catch him. In fact if you accidentally do find some material I'd say just leave it where it was and never let him know you found it. Think about it this way, it's either him masturbating or him going out and having sex with multiple partners. That's just my take on this thread.
Lucky Dog Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by MARTHA i would not tolerate it.... Telling a 16 year old boy that you will not tolerate something is like challenging him to do it at all costs. Maybe you should try a less extreme approach
Moose Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Telling a 16 year old boy that you will not tolerate something is like challenging him to do it at all costs. Maybe you should try a less extreme approach I think she was talking to the boy's father, and she did the right thing by telling the father how she felt about it beforehand. Your comment about telling a 16 year old that she wouldn't tolerate porn viewing in her house would force the kid to do it at all costs is probably true.......but afterwards, going to a less extreme approach? Come ON?!!! If the little punk doesn't conform to her intolerance of porn viewing, I'd wait until his friends and family are over, turn him over on my knee and embarrass him in front of his siblings, relatives and friends all at once.......then when asked why I'm attacking the young man, I'd throw the porn in the middle of the room and ask all those present who would tolerate this in their house. Whoever answers, "I would", would be invited to leave, and not to come back. I'm 37 years old. I have a great deal of automatic respect for those even a year older than me, and I expect the same from anyone younger than me. Especially if they're in my house.
Grinning Maniac Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by Moose If the little punk doesn't conform to her intolerance of porn viewing, I'd wait until his friends and family are over, turn him over on my knee and embarrass him in front of his siblings, relatives and friends all at once.......then when asked why I'm attacking the young man, I'd throw the porn in the middle of the room and ask all those present who would tolerate this in their house. Whoever answers, "I would", would be invited to leave, and not to come back. But tell me something, Moose. How is this kid a "little punk" for exhibiting normal teenage behavior and expressing his sexuality? You make it sound as if he stole a police car and spray painted his high school, then topped off the day by raping the school nurse. He beat off to pornagraphy. Oh God...say it aint so! For some reason you would find it perfectly acceptable to beat and publically humiliate a 16-year old as punishment for something as commonplace as masturbation. My word, this is inexcusable...you say this kid has different views on sex than his wanna-be mom? WE SHALL STONE HIM. *hellfire and judgement*
analyzetheworld Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Martha, to answer your question, from my point of view, men look at porn for a varieity of reasons...some are *more* healthy than others. For example, some men have been sexually abused, and were drawn into porn because of this. Some get turned onto it when they are young, some see their father doing it, and do it to follow in his footsteps, some are curious, etc, etc. Really, the question you should be asking, in my point of view, is why men continue to look at it; either it is because of a natural sexual urge, or because they have become addicted to it. It has been scientifically proven that looking at porn actually creates a change in the brain, which causes a person to crave it again (thus, it is addicting, just like smoking or alcoholism), Unlike most men on here, I do not think it is perfectly ok - I think it is like cheating on whoever you are with (it's like having a stranger over to the house and having her strip/have sex with someone in front of you). Also, another thing that is not even being considered in this whole post is that most of the women in the porn industry are not healthy; most women would not sell their bodies in this way unless they had a low self-esteem or were very desperate for money or something. Another thing that is not being considered is, in the case of the 16 yr. old, if he starts at 16, it will *most likely* develop into an addiction (porn, at it's core, isolates whoever gets into it), and that is certainly not healthy. (see my comment on scientific data that proves porn is addicting - I can give resources on this if someone wants some) So, all in all, my take on this whole issue is that porn is not a healthy expression of a man's sexuality - it is damaging to him and to those who provide it (certainly, women don't want to be lusted after because of physical beauty only - women want a deeper connection [healthy ones anway]; so, women do this because there is a demand from men to see it); so, when men look at porn, they are actually reinforcing this demand, thereby screwing up another woman's life, because people take advantage of women who don't have enough self-esteem to not pose (either they didn't have a good relationship with their father and thus are dying for acceptance - and thus cannot say no for fear of being rejected - or some other reason). I'm sure most people out there will disagree with at least one of the things I've said. If you do, please post what you disagree with; I'm really shocked how people could see the issue of pornography as healthy.
DeaconFrost Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 analyzetheworld - why does it have to be such a psychoanalytical explanation? Your trying to base an argument against porn that really only relates to a small percentage of men. Not every one develops an addiction. Porn is entertainment, plain and simple. Are you an addict or will you develop an addiction just because you enjoy watching a particular genre of film? Do most women develop an addiction to romance films simply because they enjoy viewing it? Is it unhealthy for them to get all emotional to Brdiget Jone's Diary? Hell no. It is a form of expression of emotion and thought. The same goes with porn. Some guys just wanna get off and a lot need visual stimulation to assist. Its by no means (for most men) a replacement for real, nurturing sex. It's simply a means to an end. I think a lot of guys are driven to porn because of outside influences rather than the pure thrill and psychological need factors. Think about it. There is a slew of reasons: a guy missing his SO on an extended business trip, SO is not in the mood, SO is pregnant and unwilling, SO is sick, a guy is single and still searching, a guy has a higher sex drive than his partner, or maybe he just wants a little "me" time where he can express sexual satisfaction and not worry about performing for his partner. There are a ton of reasons and I beg to differ that a lot of them are unhealthy...and having fantasies (even by video) are anything but unhealthy. We all have fantasies and ideas that pop into our heads. They're a time for creative expression. It's acting on them that can get us into trouble. We all have sexual desire. Porn is just one way to achieve that. Besides I'd say that for 99% of men, real sex is soooo much more desireable than wanking to a tv screen. Where porn is bad is in giving a man the wrong idea about how sex is, how it is initiated, how a woman should be respected, how female orgasm and pleasure works, what "normal" penis size is, what "normal" women should "aspire" to, and how long sex should last. It also has an effect on causing premature ejaculation. By in large, porn in moderation is perfectly acceptable. It all depends on how you use it and your mindset towards it. If you are aware of the messages and view it purely for entertainment purposes...Then by all means go right ahead.
analyzetheworld Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 analyzetheworld - why does it have to be such a psychoanalytical explanation? Your trying to base an argument against porn that really only relates to a small percentage of men. Not every one develops an addiction. Porn is entertainment, plain and simple. Are you an addict or will you develop an addiction just because you enjoy watching a particular genre of film? Do most women develop an addiction to romance films simply because they enjoy viewing it? Is it unhealthy for them to get all emotional to Brdiget Jone's Diary? Hell no. It is a form of expression of emotion and thought. DeaconFrost, if porn were as harmless as watching tv, I would have nothing against it. It has been proven though, that just like drugs, porn is addictive. I'm sure it is true that not everyone develops an addiction; I was not stating everyone did - my statement was a generalization, as I thought this whole post has been thus far. As for women getting addicted to romance novels and such, I don't know; if they use the novels as a form of escape, it could be as damaging for them as porn *can be* (not always is) for men. The same goes with porn. Some guys just wanna get off and a lot need visual stimulation to assist. Its by no means (for most men) a replacement for real, nurturing sex. It's simply a means to an end. I think a lot of guys are driven to porn because of outside influences rather than the pure thrill and psychological need factors. Think about it. There is a slew of reasons: a guy missing his SO on an extended business trip, SO is not in the mood, SO is pregnant and unwilling, SO is sick, a guy is single and still searching, a guy has a higher sex drive than his partner, or maybe he just wants a little "me" time where he can express sexual satisfaction and not worry about performing for his partner. There are a ton of reasons and I beg to differ that a lot of them are unhealthy...and having fantasies (even by video) are anything but unhealthy. We all have fantasies and ideas that pop into our heads. They're a time for creative expression. It's acting on them that can get us into trouble. Ok, granted, porn is a means to an end - and it could be considered a "healthy" way to relieve one's self of sexual energy I suppose...but, if women are hurt in the production of porn, then what you are arguing is that it is ok for men to "get off" to a product that hurts women. Granted, it is a woman's choice whether she makes it or not, but as I'm sure you know, there are some girls out there that have a pretty low self-esteem, or have been molested, and only see love from a sexual point of view, or whatever...point is, even if the guy who is using it, uses it in a "healthy" way, and does not get addicted to it, if the girl(s) who were used to produce it were not in control of themselves mentally/emotionally (and people who have been through "hell" in the home are not), when a guy views it, he is actually causing more girls to go through this, because of the principles of supply and demand. In my viewpoint, this is not right, and thus, I see porn as wrong, not from a religious or even psychoanalytic point of view, but from a humanitarian point of view. I think a lot of guys (maybe girls too) look at porn, and don't even consider the implications of doing so. Many people in the western society have the mindset that if it doesn't affect them, it's not an issue. This is bull****, because society as a whole is affected, and if people are so inconsiderate that they don't care that a girl is being taken advantage of, just so they can get off, then there is something wrong in my book. Let me ask you a question; if you had a daughter (maybe you do, I don't know), and she had been molested (God forbid), and she had this kind of attitude towards sexuality - that love is basically sex, nothing more - would you be ok with her choosing this kind of a lifestyle? I mean, I know you could not really change it, because it is ultimately her decision, but I'm sure that is the kind of thinking that most fathers go through (if they are good fathers anyway). I mean what parent wants their kid to grow up to be a porn star? I'm just stating all this, to hopefully get people to think of this issue from a 3rd person point of view - that of the person posing and their family, instead of just thinking that it is harmless, because they use it responsibly. If you want info on where I get my claims, check out these links: # " PORN & CENSORSHIP." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.bettydodson.com/victims2.htm> # "AboutFilm.Com - The Girl Next Door (1999)." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.aboutfilm.com/movies/g/girlnextdoor.htm> # "Does Porn Degrade Women?." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.cinemaxs.co.uk/page3.html> # "ethos/SUNDAY TRIBUNE COLUMN 5 DECEMBER 2004." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.ethos.org/erototoxins.html> # "Internet Porn Is a Drug and Pornographers Are Drug Dealers." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.contentwatch.com/learn_center/article.php?id=100> # "Porn Myth 5." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.oneangrygirl.net/stories.html> # "Sexual Alchemy." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.resanigo.most.org.pl/hardline/sex.html> # She-Net Feminist Community. "She-Net: Women of Independent Minds - The Forums." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.she-net.com/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=832&forum=3> # "The Great Internet Porn-Off." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/pornoff.html> # "The Misanthropic Bitch." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/coatlique3.html> # "U.S. Porn Crackdown." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.fradical.com/Porn_crackdown.htm> # "US Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, & Transportation." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/testimony.cfm?id=1343&wit_id=3910> # "US Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, & Transportation." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witnesslist.cfm?id=1343> # "Webfroot » Pr0n worse an addiction than cocaine." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://www.webfroot.co.nz/archives/2004/11/22/pr0n-worse-an-addiction-than-cocaine/> # "Welcome to Wise Women's Web - Gloria Steinem Speaks Out on Violent Porn." 18 Apr. 2005 <http://users.tellurian.com/wisewomensweb/steinem.html> And, if you believe that my information is skewed, please post it; from what I can see, I have posted facts that I've found, and opinions of people who have done research. If you find/have info that disagrees with these things, I would like to see it.
moimeme Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 It has been proven though, that just like drugs, porn is addictive There are people susceptible to addictions. If they don't get addicted to porn, it will be to gaming or gambling or drugs or booze or food or something. It is not the porn that is addicting, it is addicts who get hooked. It's amazing that you have such worries about women who work in porn. Do you refuse to buy shoes and clothes from kiddy labour factories? Do you boycott other goods that are created by exploitation?
analyzetheworld Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 It's amazing that you have such worries about women who work in porn. Do you refuse to buy shoes and clothes from kiddy labour factories? Do you boycott other goods that are created by exploitation? Actually, yes, if I'm aware that there is child labor occurring, I don't buy the products (ie: Nike shoes); this also goes for other forms of exploitation that you refer to as well. Why should we support something that is torturous to another person? Makes no sense to me personally. I think enough people don't ask themselves why they are blessed to be part of a free country; just as we did not ask to be born in the states or wherever you are (generally speaking), neither did the person who is exploited ask to be put in that country and in that situation. How would you feel if the tables were turned?
snuggles Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 DeaconFrost you stated : "We all have sexual desire. Porn is just one way to achieve that. Besides I'd say that for 99% of men, real sex is soooo much more desireable than wanking to a tv screen." ok.. then my Q is.. Y do guys that are in a happy loving relationship still watch porn especially when they know their gf is against it and then claim "i dont need it cos i got u". Seriously... who are they kidding?
Moose Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Y do guys that are in a happy loving relationship still watch porn especially when they know their gf is against it and then claim "i dont need it cos i got u". Seriously... who are they kidding?You're speaking of a few men, not all. The OP is generalizing men as a whole. Some men are completly satisfied with their mate and are sincere when they say they don't need the porn. But men as a whole get the stereotype affect happening. So much so that what this generation considers an ordinary every day commercial could've been considered porn to an earlier generation. So who's to say that everyone doesn't look at porn? It's all around us......everywhere. What's the difference in what our children see everyday compared to if you remove 1 or 2 more articals of clothing? Billboards don't leave much to the imagination anymore.....Radio commercials are even hot and steamy.....walk in the mall sometimes and look at what the younger girls are wearing. And it's not their fault.....really, they wear what society tells them is in style and is acceptable......what's popular....... It's a lost cause. It's a terminal cancer.
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