Guys don't approach me (Updated)

[Woggle]

I disagree with those who say you should change your look. It is your thing and if you are happy with it you shouldn't be something you are not because if one day you do meet a guy you get serious with you will resent having to change who you are. The best way to get guys to approach you is sending signs that you are open to being approached. Let guys that catch your eye know you won't chew their head off for talking to you. Be obvious about it as well because guys don't really get subtle hints.

[Phoe]

Men don't approach me either.

 

I think it's more normal than this forum makes it seem.

 

This forum got me into a mindset that any normal woman who is at least average, will have options, will have men approaching her.

 

Some will say that there is no such thing as a single woman who wants a relationship. That if a girl wants a man all she has to do is pick one out of a line of men who are surely interested in her.

 

It is a toxic mindset, and it is untrue. Some people, both men and women, can be good people worthy of a good relationship, and for whatever reasons things don't line up and the opportunities don't arrive.

 

The more you believe that toxic mindset, the more you'll feel badly about yourself. There have been moments where I've felt so down about myself. Lonely, unwanted, badly flawed, a total reject.

 

Stepping back and working on a more positive perspective is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

You can work hard changing your hair, makeup, clothes. You can analyze everything you do, smile constantly, stand straight, make eye contact, talk softly, look feminine, etc etc.

 

But in the end, you can't control others. You have no control over what others think and do. You can do everything under the sun and there will still be others who aren't impressed. But you CAN control your own mindset, your own perspective about it and your positivity. So even if after all is said and done, not a darn thing worked to get a guy, you can still have your own positivity and happiness to fall back on.

 

That's what I'm doing right now. Changing my own perspective. Every man on this planet can be unimpressed with me, that's okay. I'm being 100% selfish and focusing on nothing but me myself and I. The only thing that matters is me being happy.

[ascendotum]

It has nothing to do with you. Men these days are just afraid to approach women in general. Don't take it personally.

 

 

Woggle, probably guys generally speaking are less open to striding up to women and chatting them up but I doubt its rampant. Lots of guys out there on the pull still and at parties where there is booze as a social lubricant. I do think women have higher expectations though these days. I think OPs avatar is her from a past thread., and she should have no problem even with the edgy/rocker look. That look (face/hair/clothing) had strong appeal in the social circles/parties/clubs/live music scene when I was young, and I'd imagine it still does. At parties I went to in my 20s she'd be hit on for sure for a succession of dudes. Guys haven't gone that soft or changed their tastes that much. I think she really needs to talk to her male friends and their gfs if she gets on well with them, and get their opinion on why its not working out for her. IDK, she may put on a bit of an attitude when she goes out, as a defense shield and as part of an image. She actually approaches guys and initiates conversation which is great and definitely should boost her prospects doing that, but she mentioned trying to chat up a guy in a band, so we don't know if she has a narrow band of edgey/cool/bad boy types that only appeal to her. I know IRL some women who bemoan about never getting attention from guys, but its not as extreme as that (more like the 'right' guys).

Edited February 22, 2015 by ascendotum

[Buddhist]

It is a toxic mindset, and it is untrue. Some people, both men and women, can be good people worthy of a good relationship, and for whatever reasons things don't line up and the opportunities don't arrive.

 

The more you believe that toxic mindset, the more you'll feel badly about yourself. There have been moments where I've felt so down about myself. Lonely, unwanted, badly flawed, a total reject.

 

This is very, very true. I know because of my own experience and that of the women I work with. I work in one of those sought after jobs with lots of beautiful young women. Not just talking average but very stunning young women, some of them do modelling work as well. And the number of times they complain to me that they are rarely approached is quite unbelievable. The number of them that do not have partners would I'm sure blow the mindset of many of the Bitter Dudes TM and their mantra that all women get a disproportionate amount of instant positive attention and relationships are thrown at them everyday.

 

I'm an average woman who just never looked very grown up in my 20's. I was all but invisible to the vast majority of men. When my hormones did the big reversal in my 30's I morphed. All that puppy fat which gave me a moon face disappeared and I suddenly got cheekbones and a less babyish look. That's when I started to get male attention and not in a nice way, it was a bit creepy.

 

The only guys who constantly give females positive attention are body shoppers. They aren't seeing you, they are seeing a pair of breasts, a vagina, and their next ego boost. You do not want these guys. Be happy if you have to pursue someone, because then you can be more discriminating. Women that passively receive the attentions of men are hoping that the right guy will show up and they can only choose from the guys they are attracting, which may not be the best guys for them.

[Adele0908]

Sometimes when a beautiful, peppy, friendly woman approaches a man, he automatically thinks she is loose or cheap. Unfortunately. I know it's not true, but some men think this way.

 

So you will have to find a balanced way to approach men. You have to appear cool and confident, not awkward and insecure. An example of a cool and confident woman is Victoria Beckham. Also, Angelina Jolie.

 

If you like, try this 30 day challenge: Every morning, look in the mirror and say "I Love You". You may not believe it at first, but with time you will. Also, it has the effect of making you a lot more attractive to people in general.

[smackie9]

Sometimes when a beautiful, peppy, friendly woman approaches a man, he automatically thinks she is loose or cheap. Unfortunately. I know it's not true, but some men think this way.

 

So you will have to find a balanced way to approach men. You have to appear cool and confident, not awkward and insecure. An example of a cool and confident woman is Victoria Beckham. Also, Angelina Jolie.

 

If you like, try this 30 day challenge: Every morning, look in the mirror and say "I Love You". You may not believe it at first, but with time you will. Also, it has the effect of making you a lot more attractive to people in general.

 

Then those are the men you don't want to be with....

[Ashley S]

Thank you all. I appreciate the advice, stories, and opinions. However, I know my look could be intimidating or "wild", but that is why I approach people, and I don't do it desperately because I ask my other friends who are with me if I sounded desperate, or weird etc. They all said "no", and I believe them because I make normal conversation with these people. Women seem to take a liking to me, not in a romantic way lol, but I noticed that women like to talk to me, and engage with me more. I will even make up stuff to talk to guys, like for an example there was Gin, Vodka, and all these types of liquor at the party, and this guy was making all sort of mixed drinks. I had a White Russian before, but I said to this guy next to me "Have you ever had a White Russian?" He said "Yeah I did!" I said "Is it good? Should I try it? What mixed drink do you recommend?" Hahaha. I would try to start conversation like that. It still makes me feel insecure though. I am nice to people, and I am normal with people, but yet nothing ever goes further and it just makes me question about myself. I suffer with Depression and Anxiety, so it contributes to my depression, and literally I don't feel like going out with friends anymore because I just feel like a weirdo. Again, sorry if it seems like I am looking for attention, I am just feeling low about myself, so I am looking for people to relate to about this. Thank you all! xoxoxo.

[smackie9]

"I suffer with Depression and Anxiety," This is the vibe you are giving off then......

[preraph]

You may suffer from anxiety and depression and maybe some people pick up on that, but in my opinion, you're making yourself "play through" it and doing the right things as far as finding ways to talk to people. I used to be like that where a lot of times I didn't feel like facing the public, but at least part of the time I made myself do it and do it good. It's way better than letting those things cripple you. You are functioning. Do you have close girlfriends you can hang with and talk to? Hope so.

[neowulf]

It has nothing to do with you. Men these days are just afraid to approach women in general. Don't take it personally.

 

I think it goes even deeper than that.

 

The path of least resistance has become online dating.

 

Guys can contact dozens of women from the comfort of their own home, knowing their single.

 

As an introvert, cold approaches are just insanely stressful. I can not iterate this fact enough. Once I get talking though, I'm a great conversationalist. People compliment me on it all the time. But that first ice breaker.. urgh.

[neowulf]

Again, sorry if it seems like I am looking for attention, I am just feeling low about myself, so I am looking for people to relate to about this. Thank you all! xoxoxo.

 

It's saddens to see such a pretty young woman feel so down about herself.

Try not to allow others to dictate how you feel about yourself.

 

They don't know you. If they don't approach you, it's no great loss. It doesn't lessen your value as a person.

 

It sounds as if you're seeking external validation to try and feel better about yourself. That road never leads anywhere good.

 

You are worth while. Just work on yourself until you believe it.

[SJC2008]

You're an attractive woman so it's probably your vibe. Looking at your pics you could be depressed or suffer from 'resting bitch face'. I don't mean to be harsh. With my anxiety and depression my vibe is horrible. Women steer clear of me!

[somedude81]

Looking at your picture you're definitely a pretty girl. Though one thing I noticed is that all your pictures are chest up, no full body shots.

 

I don't know if you are overweight or not, but being so would be a reason why men don't approach you.

[Moy]

OP - when you say that guys don't approach you, do you mean that HOT guys don't approach you? I mean, do those 'creepy' and 'average' guys still attempt to make conversation with you?

[Ashley S]

"I suffer with Depression and Anxiety," This is the vibe you are giving off then......

 

I mask it by appearing happy though. Maybe people can see through my façade, I am not sure. Thanks though for commenting!

[Ashley S]

You may suffer from anxiety and depression and maybe some people pick up on that, but in my opinion, you're making yourself "play through" it and doing the right things as far as finding ways to talk to people. I used to be like that where a lot of times I didn't feel like facing the public, but at least part of the time I made myself do it and do it good. It's way better than letting those things cripple you. You are functioning. Do you have close girlfriends you can hang with and talk to? Hope so.

 

I do have close girlfriends, I just don't like to tell people my problems. I internalize a lot. It's more comfortable to tell people my problems online lol. On here, because I'm behind a screen. But maybe people can pick up on that? I hide it so well though, a lot of people think that I am happy, and I don't tell people my problems, so form the outside I appear as a "happy, joking, bubbly girl" Because I joke around, and I am bubbly, and all of that. However, my one friend did go to my other friend, and asked if I was "depressed", I was kinda shocked because I didn't know how he would suspect that considering that I never let myself appear sad, or depressed. Maybe somehow people can pick up on it though in some way. Thank you for commenting! I understand. xoxoxo

[Ashley S]

You're an attractive woman so it's probably your vibe. Looking at your pics you could be depressed or suffer from 'resting bitch face'. I don't mean to be harsh. With my anxiety and depression my vibe is horrible. Women steer clear of me!

 

Lol, yeah I know what you mean! But I hide my depression form others. My friends don't know how deep my depression is. If you knew me in person you would describe me as a "bubbly,happy, joking" type of a girl. I am always joking around, smiling, happy, and bubbly. That is my façade, but really I am so unhappy, unsatisfied with life in general. I internalize a lot, so I don't know. Maybe people can somehow pick up on it still. It baffles me because I make myself appear very happy and bubbly. Thanks!

[Ashley S]

Looking at your picture you're definitely a pretty girl. Though one thing I noticed is that all your pictures are chest up, no full body shots.

 

I don't know if you are overweight or not, but being so would be a reason why men don't approach you.

 

There is a body shot in the one pic. I am not fat, but I wouldn't say I am skinny either. Average, I guess lol. I am very self conscious, so I don't like taking body pics of me because I just pick it apart. That is how I am. But that could be one of the reasons, I have thought about how the way my body looks, maybe that's why I am not approached lol. I am just a mess all around, but thanks for commenting!

 

OP - when you say that guys don't approach you, do you mean that HOT guys don't approach you? I mean, do those 'creepy' and 'average' guys still attempt to make conversation with you?

 

Guys don't approach me. Period. Sometimes guys will approach me, but like I said it's little conversations, that's it. Like, it's nothing more. Not trying to be mean, but I talked to some really unattractive guys, and I still got the same treatment. So, I approach any guy just to talk to them because I am not one that bases anything on looks. I was shocked when me and my girlfriend approached these two guys that appeared very awkward and like they didn't know what to do, so we went up to talk to them at a party. To make them feel more at ease, and comfortable, and they were both so rude to us! We were asking who they knew, and we were just having general conversation, and both of them literally walked away from us in the midst of my friend speaking. I was baffled because I am thinking "Really? What did we say or do? What happened?" It made me self deprecate really bad.

[elaine567]

Lol, yeah I know what you mean! But I hide my depression form others. My friends don't know how deep my depression is. If you knew me in person you would describe me as a "bubbly,happy, joking" type of a girl. I am always joking around, smiling, happy, and bubbly. That is my façade, but really I am so unhappy, unsatisfied with life in general. I internalize a lot, so I don't know. Maybe people can somehow pick up on it still. It baffles me because I make myself appear very happy and bubbly. Thanks!

 

Are you on medication? if not then i suggest you talk to your family doctor.

Depression can be alleviated by drugs and talking therapy.

Do not suffer in silence, go get help.

[elaine567]

I was shocked when me and my girlfriend approached these two guys that appeared very awkward and like they didn't know what to do, so we went up to talk to them at a party. To make them feel more at ease, and comfortable, and they were both so rude to us! We were asking who they knew, and we were just having general conversation, and both of them literally walked away from us in the midst of my friend speaking. I was baffled because I am thinking "Really? What did we say or do? What happened?" It made me self deprecate really bad.

 

If they both looked awkward anyway, there may be something wrong with them and not necessarily anything to do with you or your friend.

Maybe they were looking out for specific girls, or an ex one of them was hoping to get back with and so they didn't want to be seen chatting up other girls, maybe they were just waiting for their gfs to turn up, perhaps they had just had an argument and you got right in the middle of it, perhaps they were gay and not interested in chatting to girls...

[Ethan78]

If you are not sharing with your friends then what support do you have? I have a group of guys I meet with very so often, and a therapist. I can talk to these people about anything I want to share and get a positive perspective. You are very brave to share on here and share your photos. You are very pretty and I think it is just a matter of time until you find someone.

 

I am concerned that you are doing something again and again that is making you feel worse. I am a man and have done what you are doing. I approached a lot of women in bars and clubs while trying to overcome low self-esteem / depression and felt worse when they ignored me, or got annoyed etc. I am still dealing with the negative effects that had on my self-esteem two years later.

 

I think there is a case to say that if socialising in this way is not working then either socialise differently - either in a different place, or in the same bars but stick with your friends and wait until you are introduced to people. Remember that cold approaching and hoping for a positive result is the hardest way to do things. A lot of people without depression or anxiety would not even think of approaching a stranger unless they were drunk.

 

If you do go to these clubs they are superficial places. The guy with the square jaw or the woman with the J Lo body will probably get more attention. There are lots of guys you would be interested in who won't go to these places. Also you never know what is going on in the guys head. I have had good looking women come up and talk to me in clubs, and then my mind has gone blank just through my own nervousness.

 

Socialising in this way might well be the same for women as it is for men. I would never ask a woman for an autograph as there is a chance it would reduce her view of me to that of a groupie. Like I say, going up to people in this way is superficial. Also, repetitive questions can be like an interview and boring.

 

You could try other things like hobby groups, evening classes, dance classes, voluntary work etc. Make sure you are trying different things and try not to be outcome dependent in social situations. Look at socialising as practising and try to be interested in who you are talking to.

 

Lastly, go easy on yourself. For whatever reason you have depression and sometimes have negative thoughts. Try to counter these. Ask yourself what you can do to give yourself credit and support yourself when you think things haven't gone the way you would want them to.

[preraph]

Ashley, if you haven't seen a doctor for your anxiety and depression, you should do so. If it's been a long term thing that seems to happen no matter what else is going on, that's chronic. If it happens mostly due to situations and events, that's a different type but can be just as devastating. There are so many meds for that. I had a depression (situational) that lasted for years, and the doctors didn't put me on meds because I guess they didn't believe I was depressed (I'm very strong and stoic and was functioning but really miserable and angry for so many years). Then because of a torn nerve that I got bad leg pain from, one doctor gave me a then experimental psychotropic drug to try. At that time it was something that wasn't classified to help nerve pain (but now it is approved for that), and it was a medicine normally used for depression. It had to build up in my system and I only had it for 3 weeks. They said it would either work on the pain by then or it wouldn't. I noticed in the 3rd week that I was humming a song for the first time in years and feel a little joyful. Then shortly after, the medicine was out and I went back to depressed. I really blame the doctors and I even went to a psychologist for not putting me on antidepressants. It literally wasted several years of my life I wish I had back.

 

I know people for whom antidepressants have made a huge difference. I don't know anyone who took them exactly as prescribed and reported all issues back to their doctor for whom it didn't work. Unfortunately 80 percent of people on psychotropic meds take it upon themselves to either take less, take more, or quit, and then they say the meds didn't work, without giving it a chance to work because most of them you have to take for weeks or even a month or two for it to help, and you can't just go off them at a whim. People sometimes quit them because they think they're cured, and don't seem to understand they'll just get depressed again without them. Many side effects will go away once you take them for a little while. Not all drugs work for all people, but there are so many types out there now and combinations of things like anxiety med and antidepressants that you can try with a doctor's help.

 

I think you're doing well for someone depressed, but if taking a pill would make it that much easier for you, you should at least try it.

[anika99]

Men don't approach me either.

 

I think it's more normal than this forum makes it seem.

 

This forum got me into a mindset that any normal woman who is at least average, will have options, will have men approaching her.

 

Some will say that there is no such thing as a single woman who wants a relationship. That if a girl wants a man all she has to do is pick one out of a line of men who are surely interested in her.

 

It is a toxic mindset, and it is untrue. Some people, both men and women, can be good people worthy of a good relationship, and for whatever reasons things don't line up and the opportunities don't arrive.

 

The more you believe that toxic mindset, the more you'll feel badly about yourself. There have been moments where I've felt so down about myself. Lonely, unwanted, badly flawed, a total reject.

 

Stepping back and working on a more positive perspective is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

You can work hard changing your hair, makeup, clothes. You can analyze everything you do, smile constantly, stand straight, make eye contact, talk softly, look feminine, etc etc.

 

But in the end, you can't control others. You have no control over what others think and do. You can do everything under the sun and there will still be others who aren't impressed. But you CAN control your own mindset, your own perspective about it and your positivity. So even if after all is said and done, not a darn thing worked to get a guy, you can still have your own positivity and happiness to fall back on.

 

That's what I'm doing right now. Changing my own perspective. Every man on this planet can be unimpressed with me, that's okay. I'm being 100% selfish and focusing on nothing but me myself and I. The only thing that matters is me being happy.

 

 

OP lots of posters on this thread have done a great job of advising you and giving you advice in different areas but the above post is my favorite. Everyone will tell you that if you are good looking with a friendly personality guys will just fall all over themselves to talk to you and that just isn't true much of the time. You are not alone in this problem, right now there are tons of other people who feel just like you do. They try to do everything right, get rejected and then go home and wonder "what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't anyone like me? What is wrong with me?" There is nothing seriously wrong with most people but everyone immediately starts putting themselves down and becomes insecure the second they sense they have been rejected.

 

 

That's why I agree so much with the post I quoted. It is such a waste of emotional energy to get upset or insecure or hurt over the actions of others and what you imagine are the reasons for their behavior. There are a million reasons why someone might suddenly exit a conversation with you at a party that have nothing to do with you. When you go to a party do it with the mindset of "I'm going to see my friends and have fun" not "I'm going to meet a man".

 

 

It's great that you are friendly and you are willing to approach people but you still have to let things happen naturally. I myself can feel a little uncomfortable when someone I don't know just comes over to me and starts asking me questions about myself. Then again sometimes it's okay. It's one of those elusive things that's hard to put into words. It's just that in order for a conversation with a stranger to go well it has to feel spontaneous and natural. Picking someone out of crowd and then approaching them with some preplanned question like "is a white Russian a good drink" is sort of forced and unnatural.

 

 

Being willing to approach a stranger is great but it can't be forced and sometimes it's better to just be approachable, rather than approach. Like the awkward guys you said you and your friend decided to talk to at a party. Why did you and friend think they would be open to talking to you? Did anything in their body language or facial expression indicate that they would like to be approached? It's doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you and your friend just decided that they would be happy to have you two come into their personal space when they hadn't give you any indication of that at all. That is forcing a conversation and being unnatural and that can make people feel uncomfortable.

 

 

Go to parties, have fun, be yourself and talk to the people want to talk to you even if that's only your girlfriends. When a stranger gives you the green light to start a conversation by their body language, or eye contact or by starting the conversation themselves then go for it, but don't pick people out and then go into their space without first reading their non verbal cues. Don't make every social situation about meeting a guy, make it about having fun. Don't worry about what others are thinking about you because there is no way you can ever know and you will drive yourself nuts worrying about it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Men don't approach me either.

 

I think it's more normal than this forum makes it seem.

 

This forum got me into a mindset that any normal woman who is at least average, will have options, will have men approaching her.

 

Some will say that there is no such thing as a single woman who wants a relationship. That if a girl wants a man all she has to do is pick one out of a line of men who are surely interested in her.

 

It is a toxic mindset, and it is untrue. Some people, both men and women, can be good people worthy of a good relationship, and for whatever reasons things don't line up and the opportunities don't arrive.

 

 

 

You can work hard changing your hair, makeup, clothes. You can analyze everything you do, smile constantly, stand straight, make eye contact, talk softly, look feminine, etc etc.

 

 

 

I was just very glad to learn you are back here...

 

But... the above is just... way off-base.

 

 

The only reason any number of men wouldn't approach you would be the widely-held belief that a beauty like you must already have somebody.

 

The way to side-step the effects of that is still meeting lots more people than you do in the present.

 

 

And the part where you "work hard changing your hair... " and all of that other analysis, is what would backfire on you, for it exudes a vibe of unwillingness to stay/be who you are, while believing in yourself socially... and instead adopting the (largely feminine) trait that is to effectively play through 3 innings (or half a season) of softball only to find that the (social) ball is never hit your way, and for reasons of the evidence you think you gathered, you're going to join everybody else over there in shallow left field based on misleading data which showed that the largest chunk of the first half of the season was hit right to that spot. (and of course, the last half of the season finds just about the whole team clustered in shallow left field while they lose every game)

 

 

 

This next part doesn't even seem fair for you to write, Phoe

 

Some people, both men and women, can be good people worthy of a good relationship, and for whatever reasons things don't line up and the opportunities don't arrive.

 

 

... for it conveniently forgets that you're a sought-after beauty, and some people don't have anywhere near what you've got, nor do they have the much higher expectations that beauty allows you to have.

 

For you, it is all remedied by merely meeting more people.

 

(others don't have it so relatively easy - nor do they have time or the possibility of meeting enough people to overcome the could-be-staggering odds against their relative social success)

[fitnessfan365]

Ashley you're HOT and I'm a sucker for women with curves in all the right places. So I'd approach you without hesitation, be direct about what caught my eye, and chat with you.

 

In general though, when guys see an attractive woman it's usually one of these :

 

1) Guys assume she has a boyfriend. Worst mistake ever. That's why so many sexy women end up online.

 

2) Nice guys with no balls automatically assume she's out of their league and will be stuck up.