Overcoming traumatic bonding

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi there, I was shocked to realise that I had traumatic bonding with somebody I was involved with who may be narcissistic I suspect. Really he was never very nice to me, never treated me as if I was special and just threw me breadcrumbs. However he became more important and special to me than my friends and family and I idolised him and became totally emotionally dependent upon him. He was a lot like my dad whom I had a traumatic relationship with growing up

 

I decided to cut off contact and now I've been NC for three weeks. I knew him for one year. He would sometimes be nice and then he would be cruel afterwards. We were only friends but there was an emotional attachment. He would ask me out and humiliate me afterwards and also talk about other women whom he liked and to whom he was attracted

 

I'm doing well with the NC and proud of it but because he hasn't contacted me I'm starting to doubt myself. He would in the past, he would reel me back in but the last two times we met I said to him he was being cruel and I distanced myself, I think he knows I'm angry with him now so he hasn't contacted me

 

I'm guessing it's either because he thinks I'll reject him or because he wants me to think I'm wrong and this is all my fault. But anyway the fact I haven't heard from him is making me start to doubt myself and feel as if all this must be my fault, I am unworthy of contacting, I was never worth it to him, I feel as though my self esteem has gone down the drain and this is bringing up all my low self esteem

 

Can anyone tell me if this is natural and the feelings will pass. I thought that no contact got easier but it seems to just be getting harder, I guess it's like breaking any addiction, the cravings get worse the longer that you are abstinent for a while?

 

My friend told me that when he first met us, too, he said to her that he thought I was weird with a weird voice and that doesn't help, I feel as though he hated and targeted me right from the beginning.

 

I was feeling okay but now suddenly feeling terrible. I don't want him to contact me in a way as I felt uncomfortable when he did and it would unsettle me, but I do want him to contact me in a way to make me feel okay as if I am worth something....ugh, I guess I've gotta just keep on moving forward and it'll get better

 

Is this how traumatic bonding is? Any advice much appreciated thanks X X

[loveboid]

Yes, this is how traumatic bonding works. You're wanting him to come back and make it all better, to tell you that you are worthy of love, etc.

 

Let me tell you: You are worthy of love. You are great. I think you are fabulous and priceless. There is no comparison between you and another.

 

Yes, he did target you right from the start.

 

I would distract, distract, distract. With something healthy like exercise or hobbies. And tell yourself nice things. Leave notes for yourself from your past self if you have to. So when you find them you will feel loved.

 

He cannot make you feel loved ever.

 

You are doing great.

[GemmaUK]

Dear Lady, I read some of your back story.

 

 

 

Please don't doubt yourself one bit!

Stick with your NC. The longer you do the easier it will get.

You're only a few short weeks in and anything that became somewhat addictive has that tougher stage to get though which comes a few weeks later.

 

This guy has been manipulating you, he doesn't care about you. You have bonded but he is unable to bond..with anyone.

 

The best thing you can do is learn about this type of man and understand why he did all that he did (and didn't do).

I've done lots of reading up in the past year and my most recent read which finally explained my last RS to me was a book by Alexandra Nouri titled Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them.

 

Your 'friend' is in there. It's a great book and also light hearted too.

It could be the hug and understanding you need right now and you will not go back to him thinking all this was your fault and you can somehow fix it once you read the book.

 

 

For me every little and big thing my ex did has been explained. We were only together 7 months but he packed a whole lot of weird into that time!

Also the sooner you learn the sooner you will start to feel better. ((hugs)) x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

My goodness, thanks so much for your replies, I'm touched by your kindness and your sweet words of encouragement

They have really helped me

 

I guess what I'm really grappling with right now is it appears he doesn't care as I haven't heard from him in the three weeks three days since I began no contact. If he didn't care though why would he invite me out and call me up and text me often

I think he may have just been sadistic as every time after he did the above he would do something mean and cruel

 

Thanks loveboid, no he cannot make me feel loved really though when I was in denial I thought one hug or one smile from him meant he really cared for me, your post has made me feel more loved. I have been phoning three people a day so I won't isolate myself and to build up my loveability again, to feel better, thanks

 

And thank you GemmaUK, I am touched that you actually read my story, your words are very helpful. Yes I guess I was manipulated and yeah, it's getting tougher the longer I'm in no contact but your confirmation that it is natural was good to hear, it's true too, I know that he is unable to bond

Thanks for the hugs too!

 

I guess I'm lucky he hasn't contacted me really as that'd open a whole new can of worms, I'm working on healing myself and I think I'm doing well, this'll get easier I'm sure

 

You have helped me very much with your posts - and I think I'll try to buy that book! Have a great evening, DLD X X