RrrrR Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Hello. Ive looked a long time for someone like the person I have and I know how hard it is to find. In the past, physical attraction was a big factor for me, but with her, she was so great, I went with the more important qualities. At the beginning also she wasn't very flirtatious or sexual which added to the problem of our growing physical distance, but I thought it would get better. 2 years later of trying to figure this out alone and together, Ive hit a wall. Shes now really trying hard to sexualize our relationship, but I dont feel a strong desire for her anymore and I feel a lot of guilt about it. In fact I often feel very unattracted to her physically and I get anxious when she tries to be intimate. We just dont click, yet I feel the problem, at least part of it, is me. Maybe unrealistic expectations which I dont know how to change, or comparing past girlfriends who I was very attracted to and had great sex with (but not nearly the beautiful person this person is, and who loves me more than anything and finds me attractive). I know that beauty fades, and I know Im not perfect, that nobody is, yet somehow I cant get over it. But I want to so badly. I want to be attracted to her and be with her. I fear if I leave her because of this, that Ill not find someone as wonderful as her, even if I am more attracted to them. And anyway, as I mentioned beauty fades. How does one stay attracted when the things you desire physically are no longer? I feel very attracted to other women (but would never cheat btw) and I hate comparing. Am I just a horrible person (I feel like I am) or is this normal/common? In the meantime our relationship is deteriorating unless I can change, or we break up. Edited February 21, 2015 by RrrrR Link to post Share on other sites
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Hey there, I think it's unfair to call yourself a terrible person. A romantic relationship does in some way usually come from a mutual sexual attraction and compatibility. You are speaking highly of her other qualities and you're not trying to make her physical side representative of her whole value, so don't worry about being shallow because I don't think you are. Sexual attraction and compatibility is real and you can't ignore this issue without possibly leading to further and further hurt in the future. Have you been open with her about this problem? I know it could be extremely hurtful to her, and could crush her confidence in terms of being physical with you, which is almost certainly not what you want. I have been with someone who wasn't as attractive to me immediately as others have been in the past, and at first I felt guilty about it. Over time, as I grew more attached to her personality and got to know her sexually as well, I actually found her more physically attractive as well. Especially in certain situations I found her irresistible. Have you actually spent a good amount of time just giving into your sexual desire around her? Once you get to know her sexually, you might find her sexuality a kind of "hidden" attractiveness. Trust me, there are plenty of people that look stunning and couldn't be more boring in bed! Just some thoughts. This is a tough one, but you're doing the right thing by trying to ask yourself tough questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RrrrR Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Thanks for your thoughts. We have discussed many times the lack of physicality in our relationship, and have tried to work on it, and it has gotten better in some ways, but not the unattractiveness. It would hurt her too much. It has gotten to the point where she has to do all the initiating but it used to be the exact opposite. Her body is great and but I do not find her pretty, in fact, dare i admit it, often the opposite. But I do not want that to matter, yet it does, and its often a turn off. Im looking for that hidden thing, for something to click, or unclick. Seems like a sure sign to break up, yet something is telling me that I might always have this problem, unless I can stop caring about that. She is very attracted to me and tells me all the time which complicates it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonasera Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Attraction is important. But I guess what I don't get is why is took you 2 years to figure out that you were not attracted to her? Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Mate if youre not physically attractive to her and don't like the idea of sex with her then its pretty obvious you need to end this for both hers and your wellbeing. You might love her as a friend, and it wont be easy breaking it off, you might even be devastated. But this is going no where and your hurting her staying with her. I dated my ex for six months. She was attractive, smart, kind, and cool and shed done some modelling work! but I didnt feel a spark and could not for the life of me figure out why....so I stayed six months because I knew she was a good catch hoping things would change. When I started putting off sex I knew it was time to end it. Was hardest thing Ive ever done - the thought of her hurting was horrible. But I know I did the right thing by her and the right thing by me. Longer you stay the worse it will be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rapunzel5 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Leave her as soon as possible. I was once with a guy who I wasn't attracted to physically. But he treated me nicely, had a good job, and my parents loved him. So I tried to force myself to like him. I called it off 3 months in....I dunno why you waited 2 years! Lol, wtf? But you need to end it now, because it's not fair to HER. She deserves to be with someone who desires her. Don't get me wrong, looks are not everything. But if you feel anxious when she tries to get intimate with you (that's how I felt as well), then this is just a recipe for disaster. You don't want to get married and start cheating 2 years in. Nope nope nope nope. Leave her. Don't tell her that you don't find her attractive. It doesn't mean she's ugly. She's just not your type, and that's fine. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Attraction is important. But I guess what I don't get is why it took you 2 years to figure out that you were not attracted to her? This is a tough but meaningful lesson that you have learned about dating and relationships. Yes, a person's inner beauty is VERY important, because as we all know, outer beauty fades eventually. HOWEVER...physical and sexual attraction is also VERY important; because it ties in with sexual as well as emotional intimacy. In an ideal situation, dating a person (and then eventually entering into a relationship with this same person) who you are emotionally AND sexually/physically attracted to can mean a long lasting and amazing life journey with this person. But, when one of those two elements is missing, it can make sustaining a relationship difficult (if not impossible). You shouldn't remain in a relationship with a person with whom you have zero sexual or physical attraction to. By the same token, you shouldn't remain in a relationship with a person with whom you have zero emotional or spiritual attraction to - it works both ways...and is two sides of the same coin. You waited 2 YEARS to see if your physical/sexual attraction to her would develop - you found out (the hard way) that it DIDN'T - and sadly, it never will. THAT is the lesson you have learned. If sexual/physical attraction isn't there from the start, chances are it won't develop later; although there are members of this forum who have had experiences of their physical/sexual attraction to their mate developing over time because they were very emotionally attracted to them. That is a risk that I, personally, wouldn't be willing to take. Life is too short to wait on something to happen that may or may not ever happen. But then, some people believe that if they break up with someone with whom they are NOT sexually/physically attracted to but are emotionally attracted to, that they will never find anyone who has a better personality or will never find anyone else with whom they will be as emotionally attracted to as the person they are currently involved with. So, they remain with the person they're currently involved with - who they are NOT physically/sexually attracted to - and um, that can potentially cause serious temptation issues and sexual attraction to other people down the road; which is NOT fair to the unattractive person. You have stated that you have already experienced sexual/physical attraction to other women, although you say you'd "never cheat". And even if you do remain sexually faithful to her, your MIND would NOT. You've stated that she has to do (and has been doing) all of the sexual initiating in order for you to even think about having sex with her - that's just awful (for her and for you). If not for yourself, break up for HER sake. If she is really the beautiful person inside that you say she is, then she absolutely DESERVES to be with a man who IS sexually and physically attracted to her! And, since you are also a good person (I don't consider you to be shallow), you also deserve to be with a woman who you ARE sexually and physically attracted to. There is no pain-free way to break up with someone, especially for the reason that you have stated in your OP. But, break up with her you MUST - for BOTH of your sakes. Down the line, you both will be happier and better for it. Do it SOON...before you lose the courage to do so. Breaking up with this nice girl who is a beautiful person inside will mean that you are a man who has integrity, a man who is honest with himself (and with the person he is with)...and a man who is mature enough to make the right decision(s), even if it means it will be painful for him and/or for the other person. Good luck, OP. Follow your heart...and do what you KNOW is right, even if it hurts. Her heart will eventually heal (as will yours) and you will both end up finding another person who is more suitable and compatible to each of you - emotionally AND physically/sexually. . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RrrrR Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I guess the question that a few have asked is why its taken this long? Well its a good question. I guess I wanted it (still want it) to work, and at the beginning when things were more fresh, I was more attracted to her, and I thought it would get better. We would discuss/fight about sexual frustrations sometimes and she really was trying and it seemed maybe we could find our way. And there were moments when it seemed things were good again, I found that I was more attracted because we were connecting, but then it would fade again. I also hung in there because I feel that part/most of the problem is me - over time I started to disconnect and I started to look at porn to feel some sexual feeling like I had with others, which made it worse. so I thought if I could change, if I could let go, open up again, if I could stop caring about those superficial things, I could appreciate the wonderful person I had... and I also feared that I would have this problem with anyone - that is putting emphasis on looks - sometimes I feel I put too much emphasis on that and I want to be different. I cant bear the thought of ending it, maybe that too is another reason. We are financially dependent on each other too, we live together, and of course Im afraid of being alone (I was alone for a long time before her and scared of going back to that). So many emotions can paralize you. Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Yah, I've been in the same situation except I didn't feel attracted to him sexually, everything else was great. If you're young, I would just move on Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 One word. Balance. Yes, personally is like 80% of the equation but if you're not physically attracted it's not fair on either of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 There are actually people out there who think that as long as somebody checks the requisite boxes for how well you are treated and respected, not cheated on, etc. then you have no valid excuse to leave the relationship. Seriously. There are people who actually believe that. The truth is you don't need a reason to break up. If you do have a reason, it only has to be good enough for you. You're one of two people who has to live with your decision, but you're the only person that you must please. Do whatever you think you need to do; just be sure you can live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 1-10 scale for looks 1-10 scale for personality Bonus point for fellatio enthusiast Two bonus points for anal sex. Minimum score required to be datable is sixteen. How does she rate? Legitimate reasons to breakup are as arbitrary as my post... Link to post Share on other sites
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