Is my separated husband string me along or is it more?

[Playstheblues]

My husband and I are in our early 30s, I have a daughter (his stepdaughter) and no children between us. We dated for 4 years before marrying and have been married 2 years (separated 6 months of the two years)

 

We separated 6 months ago because of financial stress with me losing my job. I became really insecure and maybe even too much time on my hands but I became extremely needy after being laid off. I would start arguments all the time and constantly seek reassurance that he still loved me because he seemed so withdrawn and stressed after having to pay all of the bills. We started to argue a lot and the arguments became more nasty. Eventually the arguments became so bad and me verbally attacking him in the worst ways that my husband avoided me as much as he could. This caused even more insecurities and accusing him of cheating, checking phones, etc. husband said he could not take it anymore.

 

I eventually moved out. There is still some uncertainty about who initiated the separation. I felt that he had withdrawn from me so much that he didn't want me around so it was best that I leave. He felt that I up and left him almost without notice which he has told someone else that it hurt him so badly that he resented me for it. So I blame him and he blames me.

 

We didn't talk for much of 4 months that we were separated besides bills and technical stuff. I reached out once or twice not pertaining to bills but he ignored those emails from me. I stopped trying. No divorce filed from either of us.

 

Then something happened. He emailed me and wished me a happy new year and said he thought of me all the time and that he still loves me. I emailed him back and thanked him and told him I would always love him to.

 

From that email things have been weird. At first I was initiating all contact with him ( I was reading articles that said keep it casual and do not reveal feelings towards him so I did that).... He was receptive but took a long time to reply and was very careful with his words.

 

One day I said I was going to take a chance/risk and completely tell him how I feel. I called him one day and told him that I missed him and loved him so much. He surprisingly told me he felt the same and that he thought of me everyday. He said he had to resist calling me. The next morning he texted me and said "I love you" I said I love you too. His response was that he knows he shouldn't be telling me that but he can't help it. I was confused by this. It is almost like (only my assumption) that he knows the marriage is not working out or that I am not emotionally stable and he is afraid to enter something with me again but he does love me. It is like he is fighting between his heart telling him he wants me and his brain saying let it go.

 

The next couple of weeks we kept in contact through texts, some of the texts he sent me said:

"I will never love anyone else as much" "I miss you more than you know" "wish you were here with me" "thinking of you all day" " I love you" "I married you for a reason" and then those texts became "I really want to see you"

 

So we met up twice. Both times to have lunch. He seemed really happy to see me and asked when we would meet up again. He hugged me a really long time and called me by my pet name he gave me. He was being really polite and making sure I was comfortable offering me his jacket. He even walked me to my car and stood there after I had gotten in a started my car. I can tell he was trying to prolong the time together. He even went in for a kiss.

 

After the first meeting, the next day he followed up with a phone call asking if I had made it to work safely. That night he sent a text that said "dreaming of you" a couple days went by and I didn't hear from him so I called him One day. Then I broke the silence by texting him asking if he was ok and he responded by asking when we could meet again, which led to the second meeting.

 

Now after the second meeting, it has been two days and I have not heard from him. I read many online articles that say play hard to get and let him come to you but it seems that I got more of a positive response when I opened up to him about my feelings. Me opening up gave him the okay to open up too.

 

No divorce mentioned during either meeting. Since he is resisting his urges to call or text me because his "mind" is telling him it may not work and it is not completely clear who the dumpee or dumpee is in this situation, how should I proceed. Should I reach out to him casually and playing hard to get, reach out to him and profess my love and tell him I want him back, or do nothing and let him come to me?

[whichwayisup]

He is your husband, no games. Just pure honesty and let him know that you love him and are willing to do anything and everything to get your marriage back on track. Suggest you both seek marriage counseling together, that you two need to do 'date' nights and spend time together (that is, if he isn't ready to move back in together) and keep in touch more often.

 

Expect the same back from him, honesty and no games. you two are adults and have a family (step child or not, you all are a family) together, so that is worth fighting for. Don't give up!

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I are in our early 30s,

 

Surprised to hear this because the games you're playing ended in high school for most people. This passive/aggressive type of pushing him away and then blaming him for not running after you doesn't help you or your marriage. Trust, honesty, consideration, empathy, communication, putting the other person first - all hallmarks of a thriving relationship. Contrast that approach with losing your job and then attacking your husband for your having done so.

 

I don't see any mention of marriage counseling in your post. Trust me, you're a candidate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Playstheblues]

Thank you for replying.

 

It's funny you mentioned passive aggressiveness because that's the reason I can not be upfront with my husband. Not to point fingers but he is the typical textbook passive aggressive. I've tried for many years to be open and ask questions for clarity. I've tried calmly talking to him about his feelings but it's like pulling teeth. Either he gives a vague answer or changes the subject. I'm always left feeling more confused about things after trying to discuss our problems with him.

 

My game playing only came as a result of that. Not being able to get a straightforward answer from him left me to either dangerously make an assumption about what he wants/meant or do something and see how he reacts. It's really silly but that is the only way that I am able to cope with his passive aggressiveness since I am not ready to give up on the marriage yet.

 

We tried marriage counseling and after one session he refused to go back because he felt that he was being attacked by the therapist. I offered to change counselors but he declined. I continued going on my own. After several sessions alone the conclusion that I got out of it was that I was the only one actively trying to save the marriage. I went to him once again and asked for any sign, and suggestion, solution, or anything he thought that would get us back on track.... But he simply said he had no ideas. Nonchalantly he didn't have any input on our marriage. I was backed in a corner and once again I had to assume that he didn't care. And that's when I moved out. I didn't do it to play games to see if he would chase me.

 

I was okay with the decision until he started showing signs that suggested he wanted things to work.

 

I said all this to say that I am not into playing games and would rather have an adult conversation with my husband but that has not been effective in the past. I cannot ask how he feels because he would give a passive aggressive response. I'm simply trying different techniques to figure out what works best before I get tired and give up.

 

With that said, how should I proceed here?

[Playstheblues]

Thank you for replying as well.

 

I agree with you that being honest and straight forward is the best option here but that hasn't worked well with my husband in the past.

 

Just a quick example, he once said he wanted a divorce in the heat of the moment. I didn't beg or plead with him and calmly walked away. The next day he continued not speaking to me so later that night I asked if he had truly wanted a divorce or if he had said it out of anger. He said that he was unsure what he wanted. It confused me even more and he continued walking around the house not speaking to me. After a few days of silence I told him that I would not try to stop him if he was unhappy and i would comply. He didn't respond so I took that as an "okay". The next day I printed out unsigned divorce papers from our home computer and told him that he could fill them out but I was not going to because I didn't want the divorce and I left to stay at my sisters house for the night. He took the papers as if he was saying he agreed and would fill them out. Next thing I know I get an ANGRY call from him three days later with him being upset with me printing out divorce papers and planning to leave our marriage. He was so "hurt" and upset but my quickness to give up he said. I spent the next week kissing his butt and trying to get him to stop being mad at ME for getting the divorce papers when it was original he who brought it up. But since I would rather keep the peace, I wanted to find a resolution quickly.

 

It is almost like his nonchalantness is a power move or to get a "one up" on me. Which is detrimental to a marriage. I don't want to continue to play into this games which mostly ends in me being blamed for everything. He sulks until I give in and I do not want to reward that behavior so that it continues.

 

I and not sure how I should handle this situation because being straightforward puts me in a position of being the person to always back down (even when he is wrong) and not have my needs met. A marriage should not be a power struggle but I am unsure how else to cope with this. Any advice would be helpful.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband has been really passive-aggressive as well.

 

 

It wasn't until he took a course that had communication styles as a component of it that he clued into it as being a family problem etc etc.

 

 

It is so tough to deal with and so easy to get "wrong."

 

 

I think most passive aggressive people don't even know what they want. They just know that they feel bad and they think everyone else is responsible for the cause and effect of that. As well as being responsible for making the passive-aggressive person feel better. It's a HUGE responsibility, and an IMPOSSIBLE one.

 

 

You never know what words are actually the truth either. So frustrating. It is crazy-making.

 

 

I don't know what to say if you pursue this.

 

 

He doesn't sound stable himself.

 

 

And it sounds like you are blaming yourself for the whole thing.

 

 

You needed emotional support from a vague and unsupportive partner who wouldn't give you a straight answer. So you ended up leaving and it took him months to clue in. I'll bet that you were "needy" in his eyes. Because he won't acknowledge his own feelings consciously, how could he acknowledge yours?

 

 

It really seems like you would have to throw yourself under the bus to keep this marriage.

 

 

I get that, been there done that.