d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 It's very simple. You just don't want to hear it. Do NOT Marry her. While my views on the subject contrast yours, since yours are deeply ingrained, you are never going to get over this. You wanted to marry a virgin. She's not a virgin. You are not a good enough Christian to forgive & forget her past. You can't marry her & punish her forever. You apparently have spoken to your pastor who filled your head with more hate: her virginity belongs to you. Ugh. But since you believe so deeply that you have been wronged do not try to fix this by marrying her. You will NEVER be happy & you will spend your lifetime making each other miserable. Love is not enough. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 There are ideals and then there is real life. Please think critically about what your pastor has told you. Don't sacrifice your own mind and love and good judgment for the ideas of a conservative pastor. Educate yourself about the marriages of Christians who have less conservative beliefs. You may be surprised to find that their marriages are happier and more successful. Harsh judgment of normal, healthy human behavior does not make marriages stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) So, I'm about to get married next month to the girl that I love. Only thing is that she is not pure. Also, she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity. I have started two threads here describing our situation in detail, so I'll not go into that again. I just wanted to ask for advice on how to best cope with this pain. Also, if there are similar couples among you that have worked, please share. I answered your other thread, and I want to say it's extremely hard for me, as an agnostic, to understand your lifestyle but I may say I respect your choices for life and for what you want and need for yourself. I guess I said it before in there too. Without any judgement (because I have my own personal opinions about all this and I don't want to put them in here at all), I wanted to ask, WHY are you marrying her in the first place. Why do you want this special woman, what are her qualities, why is she "wife material" to you? I'm not asking this by curiosity and you don't need to answer that in here, you must ask all this to yourself. As a woman I must say something to you, the "first time" is rarely good for us (physical aspect; it hurts, it's scary as hell, we are nervous, messy, ashamed, a lot of stuff); I don't know if any woman here can relate, but by what I know from females around me was more or less the same way for them too Another thing I must say is the moment (or the person) is not always remembered as it's said in the movies or fairy tales. My first time was with my first boyfriend, who i later on married (he's my exH now). I need to say the first time I had sex with my current boyfriend was MUCH more memorable and special than when I lost my virginity, and that night alone (1st time with my now boyfriend) was better than any sex i've ever had before. I was so in love and feeling so great I felt that was the best day of my life. I don't know if you can understand me, but i'm trying to say that is not because she had sex before she isn't going to find sex with you special and the best thing that ever happened to her if she loves you and wants you as her husband. Let me ask you... why do you think she still has feelings for her ex lover? Did she say it? You got it clear by the way she talks about him? Or you're just ASSUMING this because now, as an "impure" woman as you say, you don't trust her at all? I think that even if the answer clarifies the situation, the simple fact you don't accept her as she is makes her not right for you, nor you for her. Period. By the way you write this is being very stressful to you and this will make both of your lives a true hell. The "first time" and the physical aspect of it will last one night only. A few minutes perhaps? After this there will be a person who will share a LIFE with you, night and day, a woman who will have your children, who will be your partner and friend, will take care of you (and you'll take care of her), and will share the same bed for decades. It's because of THIS you must ask yourself, not your pastor, if she's the right person for you, not because of some piece of skin (that many women are naturally born without) or some bloody bed sheets. If you think you can only be happy with someone as "pure" as you, set her free. Let her go and find yourself someone who is still a virgin. Edited February 22, 2015 by MissLilly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I don't share your views but you shouldn't marry someone who disgusts you, period, the end. It's not fair to her. The above quote is really the bottom line. OP I was raised by parents who were at first drug addicts and then became holy roller fundamentalist Christians when I was a teenager, so my house was nuts, but I'm very familiar with the Christian belief that we are to remain virgins until marriage and the reasons behind it. I myself did not save my virginity for marriage but I certainly don't ridicule and belittle people who do. If that is your belief then you have a right to it without being made fun of for it by other posters. Don't let these posts get to you. However Christianity also believes in repentance and forgiveness. As this was a mistake in your fiancés past and she has expressed remorse for it then she deserves absolute forgiveness. If you cannot do that (and by reading your threads, I don't think you can) then the only right thing for you to do is call off the engagement and let your gf find a man who values her for who she is and who doesn't see her as impure or tainted. Christ does not see her as impure and if she's good enough for Christ then she doesn't have to settle for your attitude. Finally if she still has feelings for her past lover then that is a different matter altogether. This is actually more worrisome than her not being a virgin because the sex was in the past but now we're talking about the present and she shouldn't still be harboring these feelings. I really think you both need to either postpone the wedding or call it off altogether. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I don't know, don't throw a future marriage to a woman you love down the drain because she isn't a virgin like you expected. Neither was I. Neither was my wife. In a perfect world, sure, it's nice. But do you throw it all away for something that happened when you weren't even around? No, you shouldn't. It is true, that sex before/outside marriage has created a lot of problems in our world as you can see from this site along, but be thankful she doesn't have a child from the sex she had. Or an STD. You should both move on with each other. After all, it is her you chose right? And she must have agreed with you. Focus on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 A woman's value is not determined by the state of her hymen. You are focusing on the wrong thing here. Her virginity belongs to HER not a man, not ANY man. Not you and not her past partners. Your beliefs are wrapped up in patriarchal ideas which subjugate women as possessions of men with no autonomy over their own body. Time to drag yourself into the 21st century. She is a leaving breathing woman with free thought living freely. And above all others, she has chosen YOU to spend her life with ... Wouldn't be my choice given how horribly judgmental you are, but you need to realise it's a gift she gives you.... To choose you for life. Honor it and cherish it..... Or lose it. If you can't ackowledge that for he gift that it is, quite honestly, you don't deserve her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I don't know, don't throw a future marriage to a woman you love down the drain because she isn't a virgin like you expected. Neither was I. Neither was my wife. In a perfect world, sure, it's nice. But do you throw it all away for something that happened when you weren't even around? No, you shouldn't. It is true, that sex before/outside marriage has created a lot of problems in our world as you can see from this site along, but be thankful she doesn't have a child from the sex she had. Or an STD. You should both move on with each other. After all, it is her you chose right? And she must have agreed with you. Focus on that. In a perfect world? I disagree with this. There are a lot of posts about this topic where people marry and, 10 yrs down the road, are sorry they didn't have more experience, that they were too hasty, etc. This is very similar to the childhood sweetheart stories. They rarely work because they didn't spend time learning about what's out there. Not that a person needs to sleep with a ton of people but they need to have some experience. No experience does not equal a perfect world. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Our pastor says that virginity DOES belong to our future spouse. Regardless of we are male or female. Any sexual relations outside of marriage equivalate to bringing a stranger to the conjugal bed every night . I guess I just have to deal with it. My mistake for waiting until 26 to get married I'm sorry I still don't understand if you are a pure virgin yourself? Are you a virgin? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) Our pastor says that virginity DOES belong to our future spouse. Regardless of we are male or female. Any sexual relations outside of marriage equivalate to bringing a stranger to the conjugal bed every night . I guess I just have to deal with it. My mistake for waiting until 26 to get married Interesting. What does your pastor say about that if you're both widowed and remarried to each other? Does unmarried sex follow you, but previously married sex does not? What if one of the widowed remarried persons was a fornicator, but the other was a virgin when she first married? Now that she's shared the conjugal bed with those women strangers, do they follow her, or do only a person's own partners follow them around? Marriage makes two people one, after all. What about if one is a widow, but the other is a virgin? What if your brother dies and you take his wife as your own at Moses' behest, like they did in OT days? Does the dead brother join them in bed? What if you don't believe that? Is there a mystical component where these people follow you around anyway, maybe in some kind of spiritual sense? Or is belief in this concept necessary for it to apply? Even if it does, if you're not aware of it, what's the harm? And what about the concept of forgiveness and that if you repent, then all your sins are washed away? If your prior fornication was a sin, and you repent it, and it is washed away, then why does it visit you and your wife every night in your conjugal bed for the rest of your lives? That doesn't sound washed away to me. Seriously, I'm curious about this concept and where it came from and why it applies or maybe doesn't apply given different circumstances as the ones offered above. Is it a personal opinion or a generally accepted scriptural interpretation or is it biblically authoritative (like the first commandment)? Are you permitted to subject these concepts to rigorous examination? I've just never heard of this and it doesn't pass the smell test for me. You can believe anything you want, of course, but sometimes I think you have to ask where these teachings come from. A lot of these ideas sound good to the guy who made up the concept, or passed it along, but all too frequently, people don't consider the problems and inconsistencies these ideas contain, or the list of exceptions somebody has to dream up to justify the rule under unanticipated circumstances. To me, this seems like one of those ideas. Maybe you could talk to your pastor about the nuances of this using the examples I've given or even some of your own. Maybe a talk like that can help put your mind at ease about your own situation. Edited February 23, 2015 by mightycpa Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 If you have grown up with Josh Harris, Purity Balls, Bill Gothard, and the like, your views are so skewed by extra-Biblical legalism you probably need therapy. And that is not a personal attack. I say that to anyone who grew up with that stuff. Most of it is NOT in the Bible; it's some legalistic human's spin and enhancement of the Bible. Link to post Share on other sites
Keith1970 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 In a perfect world? I disagree with this. There are a lot of posts about this topic where people marry and, 10 yrs down the road, are sorry they didn't have more experience, that they were too hasty, etc. This is very similar to the childhood sweetheart stories. They rarely work because they didn't spend time learning about what's out there. Not that a person needs to sleep with a ton of people but they need to have some experience. No experience does not equal a perfect world. it can though. I know many couples, married over 25 years and both were virgins. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 The fact that you believe her virginity is yours (like a piece of property) and was somehow stolen from you (like a car stereo) speaks volumes about no one but you. I also find it odd that you didn't discuss practical matters (in this case SEX) prior to getting engaged, this tells me that you two don't really know each other. I'm truly wondering what else you haven't discussed that may become deal breakers down the road. Since she can't magically grow her hymen back, I'd suggest ditching the engagement and finding someone else. Just know, you may be losing a wonderful woman all because of a small piece of tissue. Ain't religion grand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I have visions of the men taking the sheet from the tent on the morning after the wedding to verify blood.....it makes me shudder. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I took a look at your other threads and found this from just a few weeks ago: She told me... that the only reason she wanted to marry me anyway was to get her green card, and that I should stop talking about her ex because I can't even compare to him in any way. So she has sex with a man she knows is married, then says she's only marrying you for her green card and you're inferior to him? Doesn't sound like she has similar values or much love or respect for you. I wouldn't marry her. I think you'll be much happier with a woman who shares your view on no sex before marriage, and who genuinely cares about you and respects you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sounds like you haven't had sex yet. I find that some virgin men worry themselves to death until they have sex. You will be fine once you do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I would be seriously reluctant to marry a woman who WAS a virgin. You can never tell ahead of time if they will make a good sex partner. So you are lucky, you know she DOES have a normal woman's libido. Let all the rest of the crap pass from your mind...you should not care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kart180 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) would marry as Virgin as she would be like me but I do feel it's the blind leading the blind but my mother would prefer that but always can never tell Edited February 26, 2015 by kart180 Link to post Share on other sites
kart180 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I find that some virgin men worry themselves to death until they have sex. You will be fine once you do it. yes as as a Virgin guy it's true but I feel like I'm more knowledgeable than regular Virgin and it's true that it's a concept and know that most women are not Virgin for long, as a hindu I just want a nice girl that's it Edited February 26, 2015 by kart180 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 yes as as a Virgin guy it's true but I feel like I'm more knowledgeable than regular Virgin and it's true that it's a concept and know that most women are not Virgin for long, as a hindu I just want a nice girl that's it Well, then, get a nice hindu girl who is a virgin. If she is not a virgin, then dump her and find another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I'm sorry I still don't understand if you are a pure virgin yourself? Are you a virgin? I noticed he hasn't answered this question either. I wonder why? Double standards maybe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kart180 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Well, then, get a nice hindu girl who is a virgin. If she is not a virgin, then dump her and find another. yeah right a virign girl sure, that's impossible in this day and age Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I noticed he hasn't answered this question either. I wonder why? Double standards maybe? So what if it is? Good God how many women at 5'1 won't take a man under 7'2"? Or don't have a job but want some successful career man? Double standards are part of life and we ALL have them, so get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 would marry as Virgin as she would be like me but I do feel it's the blind leading the blind but my mother would prefer that but always can never tell who the heck cares what your mother wants???? we are talking about a wife here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 yeah right a virign girl sure, that's impossible in this day and age This is completely offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 This is completely offensive. Just assume he is excluding all girls who have yet to reach puberty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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