What is this feeling? And how can I make it go away?

[drearydream]

Recently my long-term serious boyfriend admitted to me that while he was abroad, he went to a brothel and had a threesome with two prostitutes.

 

I have been cheated on before, but this time feels different, much different. The other times (when it was regular hookups) I felt betrayed. This time, the betrayal is definitely there, but there is a new feeling in addition to that. I don't know what this new feeling is and can't make sense of it. I will try my best to explain what it feels like:

 

It feels like he fulfilled his fantasy with someone else. Like he had this amazing, transcendental, mind-blowing, surreal experience that is on a higher level (physically) than regular hookups. He went to the next level of pleasure, and he went there with another girl. He experienced something new, and something more intense and more of a big deal and more sensation, more pleasure, more wow, more disbelief, more 'omg this is actually happening', more stimulation, more more more, the entire experience was just on another level. He experienced that without me, he experienced that level of pleasure, that level of sexuality with another girl.

 

I wish more than anything that it was a one-on-one hookup. Then, the only thing I'd be dealing with is betrayal, and I wouldn't have this other horrible heart-breaking painful feeling. Betrayal is easier because I can turn that to anger and get over it over time. But this feeling is a much deeper feeling of loss that I cannot see how to survive.

 

I am not here to ask for advice on what to do with him. I am here in an attempt to process my own feelings and learn how to deal with them.

 

What is this feeling that I am going through right now (in addition to the betrayal)? And how can I deal with it, how can I get past it?

[smackie9]

What it is? Your ego is hurt, and now you are dealing with low self esteem and feel worthless. How to get over it? Dump him, because you won't be able to move on from this unless he is out of your life. Every time you look at him, have sex with him, you will think about what he did.

[No Limit]

You're starting to develope resentment. The end of your relationship is near, it all depends on how long you want to "forgive" him because you will never forget.

[Buddhist]

It feels like he fulfilled his fantasy with someone else. Like he had this amazing, transcendental, mind-blowing, surreal experience that is on a higher level (physically) than regular hookups. He went to the next level of pleasure, and he went there with another girl. He experienced something new, and something more intense and more of a big deal and more sensation, more pleasure, more wow, more disbelief, more 'omg this is actually happening', more stimulation, more more more, the entire experience was just on another level. He experienced that without me, he experienced that level of pleasure, that level of sexuality with another girl.

 

What is this feeling that I am going through right now (in addition to the betrayal)? And how can I deal with it, how can I get past it?

 

You are idolising his experience in a way that he probably isn't. A threesome isn't a transcendental experience to a guy. It's a sweaty, sticky, messy sex porn experience that got him off, probably not much more than that. You have no idea how he felt in that moment but it was probably closer to....**** this is great, and not quite how I thought it would be, than ZOMG! I'm enlightened and can never go back to regular sex.

 

I suspect you now fear that you will never be enough for him. And you've now got to come to some conclusion about yourself as a result. It won't be easy.

[Darren Steez]

I agree with the above poster..it was prostitutes, he paid for it, this was their job so to speak.

 

You've framed it as an almost outer body experience which is wasn't. If he had enough money he could have had a tensome for all you know.

 

What you are right about in a sense, he got to engage in reckless carefree behavior. Maybe it was a fulfill of a fantasy of his but he did it at your expense.

Do not let it degrade your self worth or let it reflect on you. This is all on him. If they want to cheat they will cheat.

 

If you truly value yourself then you will ditch him sharpish and never look back. He's not worthy of you.

 

End of!

[road]

I am not here to ask for advice on what to do with him. I am here in an attempt to process my own feelings and learn how to deal with them.

 

What is this feeling that I am going through right now (in addition to the betrayal)? And how can I deal with it, how can I get past it?

 

 

 

You do not want to hear this. How can you get past this?

 

 

Dump him.

 

 

Dating is the job interview for marriage. He failed.

[elaine567]

He shut you off from the experience, you were not part of it. When we are in a relationship we want to be important to the other person, we want to be there when they experience new things, we want to occupy a big part of their life.

If he organises a bungee jump or a visit to the Taj Mahal, then we want to be there and be part of it.

If he then went bungee jumping for the first time with some of his friends or visited the Taj Mahal by himself and didn't bother calling you, texting you or sending you some of his pictures, even if he knew you wanted to be there too, then you feel excluded, your ego gets hurt because he didn't see you as important enough to include you in his excitement.

This is the same, not only did he betray you, but he excluded you from something new and exciting he shared with others, and you cannot compete. A normal hook up can be explained away to protect your ego, I am prettier, I am sexier, she is thick, she is fat, she is a slag, the sex was awful.

 

But here it was a threesome (you can't compete) they get paid to have sex so they will be good at it (you can't compete), they get paid for sex, so their bodies will be great and foreign too (you can't compete).

You cannot downplay this event in the same way as the hook up, because you feel lacking and thus your ego is badly bruised.

As road says

"Dating is the job interview for marriage. He failed." - Spectacularly.

[kendahke]

I can see two things in play here:

 

1. you being excluded from something that he has attached high enough importance to that he paid for it and;

2. a move must now be made by you as a result of him doing this.

 

Has he ever asked you to engage in a threesome? Was your answer "no"? I can't think of a more damaging act for a couple that is not ready to undertake it than to have a threesome. Threesomes are for when you're not in a relationship and you have no emotional connection with anyone, either within the 3 people participating or with someone who is not included. I also have to wonder why he felt like he needed to tell you he did this? Did he say he was going to do it before he did it?

 

As far as what it is you should do, you need to ask yourself if you can continue on in this relationship and be happy, never bringing this up and never allowing what he did to ever gain traction in your mind. If you can say without a doubt that you can do this and be content with him, I'd say "steady on". However, from the sound of it, you can't let this go. This activity in which he engaged has poisoned your relationship and the field is ripe for bitterness to take root and grow into full blown resentment. All of the "I'm sorry"'s in the world are not going to spin the earth backwards to the moment before he laid down money, dropped his pants and went at it with them.

 

FWIW, I seriously doubt that it was all "other-worldly" like you're making it out to be. It was a paid transaction with some pros. There were no feelings involved--it was all money and function. Sad, to tell you the truth...

[CrystalShine2011]

Betrayal and wounded pride. The end is near.

 

Good luck, I would get out!

[drearydream]

After reading your replies, these are the words you came up with to describe the feeling:

 

ego

low self esteem

resentment

feel not good enough

excluded

betrayal

pride

 

I'm not sure if those are accurate and it's so difficult for me to try to explain it, maybe I'm not doing a good job, please bear with me..

Low self-esteem/feel not good enough/pride/ego:

I'm not sure that what I'm feeling has to do with my view on myself. I don't feel inferior to those girls or anything. In fact, even if I somehow knew with certainty that he doesn't think they're prettier than me or better than me, I would still have this feeling. Even if he actually wanted his first time to be with me, but someone put a gun to his head and made him do it with some girl that he thinks is not as good looking as me, I'd still feel bad. Because my feeling sad is not about who is better or worse, its more about what I missed out on, and that someone else got the special moment that I wanted so bad

 

Betrayal/resentment:

It's definitely not betrayal because I feel that aspect too. I feel that angry betrayed feeling but in addition to that I also feel this one. This one is distinct. It feels more like a loss, a grieving, rather than being offended/betrayed.

 

Excluded:

This seems like the one that is closest to what I'm feeling. It's more about missing out on being there for his first time. Feeling excluded seems to be in that area ... but could you expand on this more? Because I feel like there are different aspects to feeling excluded. If your best friend didn't invite you to her birthday party, you can feel excluded in a way that you feel angry at her for not including you, and it's more about the betrayal/wronging you aspect .... OR you can feel excluded in a way that has nothing to do with whose fault it was (let's say it wasn't her fault at all and the invitation got lost, you'd still feel bad, but you'd be more sad about missing the party and not being there for her moment, rather than angry about blaming her)

So hopefully I cleared it up more .... what do you think ? Do you have a better way to describe/define the feeling?

[No Limit]

Thing is that if he doesn't want you involved in intimate fantasies now, how will it play out in the future? When he picks up some fancy few tricks in a porn movie, will he go to different women to practice them with?

 

I don't write this to hurt you, but your BF doesn't consider you to be the "full package". You're his "main girl" but that won't stop him from having fun elsewhere. Kind of like married men having their wife for serious stuff like kids, status and house-care at home and then calling escorts for their hotel stays during business trips.

 

Some men claim this to be "instinct" and "manliness-drive" or stuff like that, I call it issues. He's no long-term material and by all means no marriage material.