goldengirl11 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) Hi, would be grateful for your advice. Have previously been involved intimately with a MM/friend, on and off for the past 3 years or so and he understands he has messed me about a bit e.g he bottled out leaving his wife last time, but now he says he is definitely leaving, because his marriage isn't working. He said to me last night that he thinks there are some truths I haven't told him, but my response was that I feel I have been quite honest with him. Deep down though I would like to still meet a man more of a similar age to me who would like a family, whereas he is 20 years older and has told me before he doesn't want any more children, yet he could see me as a mother. He asked me last night if I'd found someone else and if I'd written him off, to which I said no. I feel very nervous re meeting him next Sat (he asked me to meet then last night), when he will most likely invite me to see his new flat and ask me to stay. He blamed me for always being reticent last night, which I apologised for. I'm afraid to get involved with him again, yet at the same I dread still being alone and would probably be jealous if he started dating someone else! I hate this situation, but feel quite stuck. Thanks Edited February 22, 2015 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 I would also like to add that I recall meeting him one evening last year when we went for a meal, but he got funny when I turned down him staying that night, when he said I so cruelly rejected him. It was soon after he decided to stay with his wife/family though and also had to be up early (ok my flat was a mess). Now I feel that I should probably stay over at his next Saturday, or otherwise it will look strange, especially as he would've then moved out. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 You want children, he doesn't as he's 20 years older than you and doesn't want to go there again. He can't offer what you want and deserve, so why bother meeting him? If he's unhappy in his marriage, he decides to leave, but don't let his reason for leaving be because of you. You know what you want in life and it's best all round that you try and find that in a single man, who can truly commit to you. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 "Deep down though I would like to still meet a man more of a similar age to me who would like a family, whereas he is 20 years older and has told me before he doesn't want any more children, yet he could see me as a mother: Please don't give up on the life you want. This cheater is just going to hurt you. He has been stringing you along for 3 yrs. You will not be happy. Sounds like you are giving up and settling? He was angry because you did not spend the night once? Not sure if I read that right. Now that he is "single" he may decide to be with other OW too (maybe behind your back). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) Get out there and date. You are way too young to be with this old man. I suspect that, despite not wanting them, he would go ahead and give in and have children with you if you want them, but that would be a mistake on your part. You need to be with a young man who wants kids at the same stage of life with you, and also SINGLE. End this. He will likely stay married if you end it. He wants you to tell him before he leaves his W and life. Edited February 22, 2015 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 So you refused to see him one night and that's reason he decided to go back to his wife? Sounds like he just needs "somebody" "anybody". He feels you were untruthful with him? I'm sorry you still have feelings for this man. Part of me wants to advise you to get back with him, let him leave his wife and then dump him. Sounds like you'd be doing you and her both a favor. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Fear of being alone is never a good reason for sticking to a relationship that you know isn't healthy and that you know you don't even want. The guy says he's definitely leaving his wife this time but he hasn't left his wife yet so essentially nothing has changed. At the very least wait until he follows through on ending his marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 but now he says he is definitely leaving, because his marriage isn't working. Then wait till he is divorced. Then date him in a proper way. If you meet up with him right now, you'll still be the OW and still be in an affair. Saying and doing are two different things. You're setting yourself up for a big hurt if you meet him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I am betting he isn't moved out and into his own place by Saturday. Why do you keep letting him dictate your life? You won't have kids with him and I doubt you will be able to really communicate with him since you can't even tell him no to sleeping with him. Get yourself together and find a guy who isn't married. How many more years are you going to wait around for a guy to "pick you"? He is 20 years older than you - you are at two different places in life. Why would you throw away having your own family for a guy who has shown you by his actions that he isn't that into you? He if really wanted to be with you, it wouldn't take him 3 years to move out. And having him 'go back to his wife' after not spending a night with him...that's very creepy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Thanks for the responses. Just wanted to say that he didn't go back to his wife because I didn't sleep with him one night. I was just talking about his reaction when there was a chance for him to stay the night one occasion before. He also felt he'd let me down (understandably) when he told me there was no going back last year when he convinced me it was over between them, but then bottled out as he couldn't do it to his family, but this time he says he's had no second thoughts and has got the keys to a new place. I know I could meet someone more suitable - it's just a case of finding them and feel he's going to push me for answers on Sat. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 You are being controlled by a woman whom has already told you that you are Plan B. A good faithful husband cannot replace the high she got and excitement from her boyfriend. You are going to be "looking over your shoulder " for a long long time. And if you are not you will get blindsided again. She came back not because she wanted to and this "taking it slow" bull **** she is giving you is just her buying time to explore her options I hope you read the books people have recommended and get out of the fog she has put you in. She is NOT a safe partner for you and will not be as long as she knows she is in total control of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 You are being controlled by a woman whom has already told you that you are Plan B. A good faithful husband cannot replace the high she got and excitement from her boyfriend. You are going to be "looking over your shoulder " for a long long time. And if you are not you will get blindsided again. She came back not because she wanted to and this "taking it slow" bull **** she is giving you is just her buying time to explore her options I hope you read the books people have recommended and get out of the fog she has put you in. She is NOT a safe partner for you and will not be as long as she knows she is in total control of things. Thanks for reply, but was it for me? It seemed like it was written for someone else? Although similar situation. Thanks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 If you want to breakup sat, tell him that you want to have kids and with someone our own age. Trust me, he'll understand, even though he won't like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 You want to settle down & have children. He's made it clear he doesn't want that so stop blocking your blessings by dealing with this man. Open yourself up to a single available man who you can share you're life with, who will honor and wants the same things as you. The longer you continue with this man, you'll just be wasting precious years. Think of your future.....Do you honestly see him in it, with children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 You want to settle down & have children. He's made it clear he doesn't want that so stop blocking your blessings by dealing with this man. Open yourself up to a single available man who you can share you're life with, who will honor and wants the same things as you. The longer you continue with this man, you'll just be wasting precious years. Think of your future.....Do you honestly see him in it, with children? Thanks for the replies. We didn't meet on Sat and neither of us confirmed it. I had felt a bit guilty when he said he hadn't heard from me for days, so assumed I wasn't interested, but when I asked how things were going, he didn't answer straight away but when he did he said he didn't understand my reason for asking! Said he was great ! but no mention re the move. So you could say that I'm being given the cold shoulder now! In answer to your question though, whether I could see him in the future, with children... I could (sort of), but feel that I could be matched better with someone more similar to myself, but am finding it quite hard to do that, so in a way, I don't want to be too choosy and end up alone, but trying not to give up hope though... in finding that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 In answer to your question though, whether I could see him in the future, with children... I could (sort of), but feel that I could be matched better with someone more similar to myself, but am finding it quite hard to do that, so in a way, I don't want to be too choosy and end up alone, but trying not to give up hope though... in finding that person. Statements like this always make me feel a bit sad. When you refer to yourself as ending up alone, I take it you mean ending up single. There are far worse things in life than not finding a compatible partner. How exactly would you end up alone. Don't you have family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances etc etc? Even as a single woman you could still decide to have children if that is what you want. Don't let fear force you to settle, especially for this guy. Wouldn't you rather live your life knowing you were open for if and when that perfect person comes along, rather than settling for someone that was just 'meh'? You can seek out your own contentment, happiness and fulfilment until that right guy appears. Then if he never does (highly doubtful) you will still be content, happy and fulfilled. It's a win win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) I was hesitant bringing this thread up again, but right now am feeling very confused, since after he sent me a friendly message on FB earlier, he then followed it up with a is there any point question and to fill in the rest. We met up for a coffee Sunday afternoon, when he suggested he came back to mine, when plucked up the courage to say not right now, but we could meet up again soon. He seemed to be ok with that (although disappointed), but then said that he'd better get back anyway, when we soon afterwards walked back to the train station, before we kissed/saw each other off. He has now moved into his new place, but at the back of my mind, I wouldn't put it past him to go back at some point. Unless he met someone else I guess. I am starting to feel pressured and can see myself getting hurt, but reading back my replies. Thanks He just messaged me again saying nothing is going right, right now. Edited March 11, 2015 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Following my last message, I admit am feeling really uncomfortable re current situation now. Is really unsettling, but know I have to move forward somehow. I have also just signed up to a dating site to give me a new perspective, but at the same time, I just don't know how to continue now with him. Not meaning to ignore any previous advice, but feel scared? Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) "Deep down though I would like to still meet a man more of a similar age to me who would like a family, whereas he is 20 years older and has told me before he doesn't want any more children, yet he could see me as a mother: Please don't give up on the life you want. This cheater is just going to hurt you. He has been stringing you along for 3 yrs. You will not be happy. Sounds like you are giving up and settling? He was angry because you did not spend the night once? Not sure if I read that right. Now that he is "single" he may decide to be with other OW too (maybe behind your back). Hi, just to say some words are ringing true. I have found myself feeling quite sick some evenings (now he's moved out) wondering what he's doing i.e who with etc, which is starting to feel quite unhealthy. He said he went out to eat with a work friend earlier. I admit am nervous to get sexually involved with him again (which nearly happened last time we met recently), but realise that if I don't, there would probably be more chance he would be looking for female company. Therefore, I feel quite stuck. I'm trying to break out of this rut, by deciding to give on-line dating a proper go, but need to get some decent pics first. In the meantime though, I feel that I've got him hanging and maybe he feels I've been a bit unfair to him now i.e am not making my feelings clear to him. I am hoping to express them though if I see him this weekend. The whole thing's scary ! though. Edited March 18, 2015 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Do not start sleeping with this man again because you are scare you might lose him. He is twenty years older then you, you aren't losing anything. You are too young for this guy. He is rebuilding his life after his divorce and you need to be building yours. He doesn't want anymore children and at your age you shouldn't be wasting your time if you do. Stay away from him. Move on a find somebody closer to you age who can give you what you need. This guy won't. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I say with this kindness - You need to cut him out of your life. This guy is using you and since he's moved out (but as you say, could go back home) he is free to do as he pleases with whomever. And he won't let you in on what he is doing either. If you choose to stay with him, he's gonna hurt you so badly. End it and get counseling to help you get strong so you can totally stay away from him. Going on dating sites is a band aid, it won't help especially since you still want this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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