Susannah Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I just wondered if you could help me out with this without being too judgmental. I am married with two children and recently began an affair with a colleague who is also married with two children. We have been working together for two years. There was always an obvious attraction between us but for the first eighteen months we just enjoyed each others company and flirted a little bit. He was suggestive a few times but I always told him that as much as I found him attractive, I would never have sex with him because we were both married. However all of this changed a few weeks ago when we were alone in the office working on a project and he kissed me. I'm not sure how it happened but I do remember that it was the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced in my life and that I couldn't get him out of my head afterwards. Since then we have been intimate several times (which has been amazing as far as I am concerned!) but we have not been able to have full sex because he seems to have trouble maintaining an erection. I tried not to make an issue out of it but last week I felt I had to ask him what the problem was and he told me that it wasn't me and that he tried to have an affair once before and couldn't get it up with her either. He had tears in his eyes when he told me and seemed really embarrassed and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He says he thinks the problem is probably down to guilt but from what he's told me about his relationship with his wife, I'm not so sure he has sex with her either! He also said that he wants the affair to end between us (short lived I know!) because he feels guilty and can't handle it, but I can't help but think the real reason he wants it to end is because he can't maintain an erection. I know you will say that we both deserve this as we are both married and that we shouldn't be having an affair on the first place, and I am not about to argue with you, but I can't help but feel sad that our short-lived affair has ended this way and that it has left him feeling quite obviously distressed. I am in the process of getting divorced by the way (because my husband has been unfaithful to me) and although I don't know much about my colleagues circumstances, I do know that he is only with his wife for the sake of their young children because he told me. Why is life so bloody complicated eh? My other concern is that he couldn't get it up because of me - I know he says he can't get a full erection because of guilt but do you think it could be because he doesn't fancy me? He told me that he really, really fancies me but I can't help but worry that it might have been me. Sorry to ramble on but I really needed to get this off my chest. Your comments would be much appreciated as I don't want the relationship to be over and I can't decide what to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 It is guilt. A single male friend of mine who hangs out with a lot of married men told me that he hears countless stories about guys wanting to cheat, and thinking the AP is so hot and things are so steamy between them and then once they have sex, he, surprisingly, can't get it up because of the guilt and fear. I would also say that he's probably not having sex or a satisfactory enough intimate relationship with his wife, or else he wouldn't have came to you, and had tears in his eyes. He probably doesn't know what to do. He will have to resolve those things, and not with the use of Viagra. There is nothing for you to do. Just let him work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susannah Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Hi Popsicle, thanks for saying you think it's the guilt that has caused the problem and not me. The thing I can't understand is that he said he was very aroused each time we got intimate but just couldn't maintain an erection. How does that happen? I just assumed he was nervous or not that turned on by me, I didn't know a guy could be really turned on but not be able to get hard - naive I know, but that's what I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Sounds like guilt to me and if you have any respect or care for your friend at all you won't ask him to continue to do something that is causing him guilt and emotional distress. I know that when I'm intimate with someone I want it to be a great positive experience for both of us. An experience that makes us both feel good about ourselves and each other. The second a guy told me that being with me made him feel guilty or ashamed would be the second I end the relationship. Yuck! Why would I want anyone to associate me with feelings of guilt and shame? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Hi Popsicle, thanks for saying you think it's the guilt that has caused the problem and not me. The thing I can't understand is that he said he was very aroused each time we got intimate but just couldn't maintain an erection. How does that happen? I just assumed he was nervous or not that turned on by me, I didn't know a guy could be really turned on but not be able to get hard - naive I know, but that's what I thought. Yes it is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I believe it is the guilt. Unless his marriage ends from some cause other than him cheating, he's probably not going to be able to deploy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susannah Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 I agree with the points you have made Anika - that said, I don't think he's feeling guilty about his wife for a minute. I think the reason he feels bad is because he couldn't get an erection because he was suffering from performance anxiety. He also mentioned that he was concerned that our bosses might find out, and that he felt uncomfortable with the fact that I am (technically) still married (although shortly to get divorced). In fact the more I think about it the more the relationship was a recipe for disaster from the start. So why am I having problems letting it go? Because I really like him that's why. We have worked together for two years and we have grown emotionally close during that time so I will miss him now that the relationship is over. I just can't help feeling a bit sad. I know we should never have had the affair in the first place but as I have already said, I don't want it to end and I want him back! How can I get him back? Any ideas anybody?: Someone talk some sense into me please! Popsicle, thanks for that - you learn something new every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susannah Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 One thing I forgot to mention is that he said he felt like kissing me immediately after he told me the relationship was over. And when I said 'kiss me then' he said he couldn't because the relationship was wrong and had to end. The relationship might be over but I still want him and I know he still wants me. However will I cope when I see him in the office tomorrow? I'm dreading it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susannah Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 I believe it is the guilt. Unless his marriage ends from some cause other than him cheating, he's probably not going to be able to deploy. That's interesting - I don't think there is any doubt that guilt can do terrible things to a man. He said his problem was guilt so maybe it is. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 without being too judgemental?? hmmmm-ok maybe he doesnt want you that way YOUR NOT HIS WIFE understand??? aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I hope you are not falling for the "I can't leave because of the kids" line. That's what they all say. It's a bs excuse that most women fall for. I guarantee his marriage isn't that bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 No judging, just facts. Your husband was unfaithful and now you want to continue with an affair? Causing another woman the same pain you probably went through. I think his inability to perform is a sign that you shouldn't go there. Just because your marriage has broken down, doesn't mean you should insert yourself in someone else's marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I would think it's more of a health problem than an anxiety issue.If he s not guilty about his wife then what does he feel guilty about ? Makes no sense. Link to post Share on other sites
kimba Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 i had this happen once with a guy , and i thought it was an actual health issue and even went so far as tell him id help him seek help etc. He went along with that pretending it was ED. Ofcourse the real reason was he had another woman and his emotion was tied up in her, not me Link to post Share on other sites
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