Lindsaycaper Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I have this friend who's been dating this guy for close to 3 years now. I think that maybe once upon a time, like earlier in the relationship, he did care for her. I don't think that he cares about her now. It seems like he keeps her around just because or something idk. I want to convince her to leave him. He's very disrespectful to her. He doesn't treat her with ANY respect at all. Once I visited her and he was around. She asked him to carry her bag because it was too heavy and he said " carry your own damn bag" and his friend said "you're not going to get her bag for her?". He made a face, like an "are you kidding me" face. He's been cheating on her with the same girl for a year!! He got caught and stopped for a few months. When he got a chance he started again. A mutual friend told me that he tells the girl he's been seeing for one year that my friend is crazy so she doesn't know she's the OW. The other night I saw him and the ow of a year sitting at a nightclub lounge. Some friends and I made ourselves invisible but close enough to hear their conversation. Like literally the booth behind them. He received a text message on his phone and he said "what bitch? I don't want to talk to u" outloud in response to the text message and the OW laughed. I wasn't sure who it was but then he received another text message. This time he said, "omg _____ stop" as if he wanted the person to stop texting him. The blank space is my friends name. I want to tell her I witnessed this but she most likely won't believe me. I was shocked that he calls her a bitch so freely. I've told her before that he doesn't love her. She thinks because he's been with her for that amount of time that there's no way he couldn't. She says theyve been together for 3 years but shes also adding the time that he left her and was with someone else. Someone other than the current ow. This was before the OW even was in the picture. I really want to help her. I feel like a man who loves a woman doesn't cheat. Definitely not with the same woman for a year. I mean he got caught with this woman before and he wanted to resume things with her obviously because I mean he IS seeing her again. To me it's even more disrespectful to continue an affair with someone you got caught with before. It's very careless. Idk what to do. I almost want to tell theOW that's she's the OW! Because from what I know of her (OW) she's a sweet girl. Idk her personally but ppl that do have told me she isn't a bad person and would never intentionally hurt anyone. My friend says "oh he didn't love her, he just used her". She thinks they slept together and are over but he slept with her for almost a year!! He only stopped because he got caught and that's if he even did stop!! My friend thinks he stopped which is why I figured he resumed it but now that I think of it, he prob never stopped. That's a very long affair and the fact that he's now resuming it omg!! I honestly feel like eventually he's going to leave my friend for the OW. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Idk what to do Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 You can lead a horse to water . . . Your friend has her reasons for staying with him. Even if they are not the best reasons, they are hers. I wasn't sure if you told her the OW exists. If not do so immediately & offer to take her to the doctor to get tested for STDs. In this case I would condone you reaching out to the OW to inform her that she is the OW. Don't expect that it will go well. Tell your friend that you care about her & that you will support her if she leaves him but don't push. Avoid him / them when possible but still be there for her alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindsaycaper Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 You can lead a horse to water . . . Your friend has her reasons for staying with him. Even if they are not the best reasons, they are hers. I wasn't sure if you told her the OW exists. If not do so immediately & offer to take her to the doctor to get tested for STDs. In this case I would condone you reaching out to the OW to inform her that she is the OW. Don't expect that it will go well. Tell your friend that you care about her & that you will support her if she leaves him but don't push. Avoid him / them when possible but still be there for her alone. She was aware of her at one point. I don't think she knows he's STILL seeing her. Like I said she thinks he got caught and stopped seeing the other woman. She knows who she is but not that he's still seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 The only thing you can do is tell her what you think, and you already did. So if she is your friend, be there for her when she needs you, take a step back and don't interfere anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindsaycaper Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Should I not tell her what I heard him say? Or that he's been with someone else for a year? Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 If she's a close friend of yours, and you have solid suspicion that her BF is cheating on her, Why not telling her? But beware - sometimes the messenger he's the one who get the blame. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Should I not tell her what I heard him say? Or that he's been with someone else for a year? You should absolutely tell her. She's making decisions without knowing the truth. She still may not leave him but all you can do is be there for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindsaycaper Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 I mean it bugs me because even without the OW she should leave him because he doesn't respect her at all. If you love someone you don't treat them the way he treats her Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I have this friend who's been dating this guy for close to 3 years now. I think that maybe once upon a time, like earlier in the relationship, he did care for her. I don't think that he cares about her now. It seems like he keeps her around just because or something idk. I want to convince her to leave him. He's very disrespectful to her. He doesn't treat her with ANY respect at all. Once I visited her and he was around. She asked him to carry her bag because it was too heavy and he said " carry your own damn bag" and his friend said "you're not going to get her bag for her?". He made a face, like an "are you kidding me" face. He's been cheating on her with the same girl for a year!! He got caught and stopped for a few months. When he got a chance he started again. A mutual friend told me that he tells the girl he's been seeing for one year that my friend is crazy so she doesn't know she's the OW. The other night I saw him and the ow of a year sitting at a nightclub lounge. Some friends and I made ourselves invisible but close enough to hear their conversation. Like literally the booth behind them. He received a text message on his phone and he said "what bitch? I don't want to talk to u" outloud in response to the text message and the OW laughed. I wasn't sure who it was but then he received another text message. This time he said, "omg _____ stop" as if he wanted the person to stop texting him. The blank space is my friends name. I want to tell her I witnessed this but she most likely won't believe me. I was shocked that he calls her a bitch so freely. If you were close enough to hear all of that, you were close enough to whip out your cell phone and video record him doing that. If she didn't believe that, then she doesn't want to believe it. I'm not sure why you're so shocked at him esteeming her this way, considering all you wrote about how he treats her in the above paragraph. I've told her before that he doesn't love her. She thinks because he's been with her for that amount of time that there's no way he couldn't. She says theyve been together for 3 years but shes also adding the time that he left her and was with someone else. Someone other than the current ow. This was before the OW even was in the picture. I really want to help her. I feel like a man who loves a woman doesn't cheat. Definitely not with the same woman for a year. I mean he got caught with this woman before and he wanted to resume things with her obviously because I mean he IS seeing her again. To me it's even more disrespectful to continue an affair with someone you got caught with before. It's very careless. Idk what to do. You have to face the fact that your friend doesn't want you to save her. She wants to believe what she wants to believe because being in a 3 year relationship with this a$$ is more important to her than being alone and not be made a fool of. I almost want to tell theOW that's she's the OW! Because from what I know of her (OW) she's a sweet girl. Idk her personally but ppl that do have told me she isn't a bad person and would never intentionally hurt anyone. My friend says "oh he didn't love her, he just used her". She thinks they slept together and are over but he slept with her for almost a year!! He only stopped because he got caught and that's if he even did stop!! My friend thinks he stopped which is why I figured he resumed it but now that I think of it, he prob never stopped. That's a very long affair and the fact that he's now resuming it omg!! I honestly feel like eventually he's going to leave my friend for the OW. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Idk what to do If he leaves your friend for her, isn't that what you want? That's what I"m getting out of your whole post up to this point. He's not going to stop cheating on her, so what do you want here? You don't have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart---she has to do that. Stay out of your friend's relationship business unless you're willing to video record him and his OW out in the club, show it to your friend and then go tell the other girl that she's the OW. Seriously. And even if you do all of this, it is no guarantee that any of them are going to change tack--all that will happen is that you are going to be given the side eye and most likely lose your girl's friendship for interfering and forcing her to face something she may not want to face right now. No one here is going to open up a can of "act right", not while they are getting some need met by this arrangement. Your girl wants to remain in denial; he wants to chase split tail and split tail wants to be chased by him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I understand your frustration. I have had friends date guys I knew were no good for them & one who dated a guy who routinely physically abused her but it was never my place to break them up. All I could do was point out the flaws & be there to pick up the pieces. The decision has to be hers. You are her friend not her mom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Should I not tell her what I heard him say? Or that he's been with someone else for a year? It's a modern age you could have shot a video of it, the conversation and those two sitting together.......she won't listen but she will be able to SEE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I honestly feel like eventually he's going to leave my friend for the OW. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Idk what to do He probably won't leave her and that is the real danger. Leaving her would be doing her a favour. You will have to pick up those pieces no matter what, if you care for your friend do it sooner than later. Follow him next time, film him and then present your friend with it. Help her pack her stuff and move out the same day. If it's her place, help her put his **** in a box and leave it on the curb for homeless people to have. Get the locks changed, get her a new mobile number. Delete him off her facebook, email accounts and all the rest of it. Thats the best you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindsaycaper Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 They don't live together. I prob should've recorded it but I didn't wanna get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 They don't live together. I prob should've recorded it but I didn't wanna get caught. Who cares if he caught you.....what's he gonna do? take a gun to your head? You could have called her and told her to come on down to check it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindsaycaper Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Yeah true. I just didn't want to give him an edge. I figured he would've had a chance to reach her first to give some explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Yeah true. I just didn't want to give him an edge. I figured he would've had a chance to reach her first to give some explanation. I think it gets to a point that the evidence is damning enough..... Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I too have (or rather, had - I barely see or hear from her anymore) a friend who's clinging to an abusive relationship. Why I don't know and will never understand. But you can't make someone let go, they have to do it themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
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