Trying To Reconcile Update

[agoodperson]

Here is a link to my story before I get started. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/513239-confronted-wife-about-cheating-10.html

 

We are now 3 weeks into trying to reconcile and I am just as confused now as I was when I started. A quick background story so you see where I came from. She had an affair online that turned real life on 3 separate occasions over the last 12 months. I finally found out and we separated because that is what she wanted. (I am going to be brutally honest with this in the hopes that someone will be able to help me)

 

At that time, I now know that she though she had a real future with him. They had planned out how they were going to be together. At that point, the other man had not had to deal with anything real like a pissed off husband or 3 crying children. When I confronted him after finding out, he no longer wanted anything to do with her. He broke off all contact and told her that he no longer loved her and didn't want to talk to her ever again .

 

Now...that was about 3 weeks ago. My wife and I have been getting counseling and have been trying to start a real reconciliation. The OM has stayed true to his word and my wife wrote a closing letter to him 3 weeks ago as well. Fast forward to last night. We have a very long discussion about the Reconciliation and she has some concerns she wants to voice. She tells me that she misses that feeling she had for him and not for me. She ask me what will happen if she doesn't get that feeling for me back. She basically says she is afraid that she is going to fall into the same routine with me as she did before. I understand that most people would tell me to just move on, but I truly believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment and that is something I am not willing to give up on. But I am starting to have doubts that she wants to actually work 100% on repairing it.

 

She is at her apartment and I at home with the 3 kids. We have been spending a ton of great time together the last 3 weeks, so this kind of hit me hard. She said that she needs to take it slow, which I believe means that she doesn't want to have sex even though we have on 2 separate occasions over the last 2 weeks. She wrote me after I left last night that our talk was very good for her and she felt like she took a major step forward in healing. She told me that everything she thought was going to happen stopped 3 weeks ago when the OM dumped her and she at that time was ready to leave me and now 3 weeks later, she was back with me and it is alot to process. She did say one thing that bothered me pretty bad. She Said a short comment that the OM probably left because he was afraid of you. I told her that was not the truth, but if that is what she is thinking, I need to know how to work through this with her so the marriage can survive and hopefully thrive again.

 

We have almost all good days, but last night was different. I do love her and she loves me, but it is definitely different meanings of love. I the wholehearted and sexual love and her the more protecting and providing love. She hugs me and holds my hand all the time but does not like the intimacy I want. This is very VERY painful for me and why I feel so lost. It is starting to rattle me a bit and I need some general advice about what to do going forward to hopefully make things better between us. As much as it pains me to say this, she lived him on a deep emotional level that she is obviously having trouble letting go of and I think she is comparing her feelings to me with those feelings and I am coming up short on which one she wants in her life. She also said that our children's happiness was another part of why she is willing to try to make it work. My kids were an absolute wreck when she left. Now they are happy and doing well again.

 

I don't want them to go through another breakup if you will. She does want to work on our marriage and has stated this as well last night...she just wants to go slow as she puts it. What does that mean for me?

 

Any and all advice appreciated especially those who have gone through a similar experience.

 

Thank you in advance.

Edited February 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for readability

[Ralph79]

Given that you want to save your marriage, my first advice would be for you to post this on the Second Chances sub-forum, where you are most likely to get more opinions from people going through Reconciliations.

 

Secondly I'll share this part of my story with you, in hopes of giving you added perspective since that's what you are asking for.

 

When my then wife left me for 3 months to go back to her home town, she at first said she did so in order to find herself. By this point she had thrown several fits about how unhappy she was with me, and the mistake she made marrying me. She said she saw herself in the arms of her ex-BF and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

 

When we were apart, she would call me to reassure me that she was alone. That she just needed time with her parents. But after 3 months, we were talking about a subject in which she let it slip that she had gone out to a place several times, with the exBF. I hung up. I got extremely upset. I wrote a letter insulting her, explaining that our marriage was over. That I felt so stupid and naive to think I could ever trust her, since all she has done all her life is lie to everyone. I told her to keep the guy. And I told her some really mean-spirited things about her life, house and family, that I said she deserved. [in hindsight, I regret reacting that way. There comes a time where you need to hold your ground and fight. But never sink to insulting]

 

The following day she came crying pleading for a chance to be the wife I deserved. She claimed nothing had happened between her and the ex-BF in those 3 months.

 

I didn't even want to think about it. I just gave her a chance because I wanted to stop the pain I was feeling due to her absence. So going against the advice of EVERYONE who helped me withstand what she did, I welcomed her back with open arms. Never questioning her EVER about what happened. She was sorry, that was enough for me.

 

But once the euphoria of being forgiven and being given a second chance died down, her tantrums came back. Little by little things got worse than they ever were. And my wife ultimately left me for good a week after my father died.

 

Basically she gathered the strength to make a new plan for herself at my expense. She knew going back to her ex-BF wasn't the solution to escape her family problems (alcoholic dad and abusive siblings), but she also knew staying with me wasn't a price she was willing to pay anymore to escape those issues.

 

That was my experience. Your wife is not my ex-wife. But I think they both benefited greatly from having husband who were desperately in love with them at the time of the 2nd chance. And that usually makes the WS's not fully appreciate the opportunity they have been given in the long run.

[Hope Shimmers]

When I read your first thread I found myself hoping that you would take the advice of Ralph79 - he's lived it and clearly knows exactly what he is talking about. I can't claim to know anything firsthand about reconciliation, but it seems to me that you are her "backup plan" and that if her OM had not dumped her, that's where she would be right now. Why do you want a woman who feels that way?

 

I also would not be surprised if she does not "blame" you in some way for the fact that her OM ran the other direction - thus her comment about you being the reason for his actions.

 

To be honest I'm also having a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around the selfish act of just leaving her kids for another man. It's bad enough what she did to you, but what kind of mother does that to her kids?

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think you deserve much better. She probably would have been a lot more enthusiastic about reconciliation with you if you had thrown her out instead of offered to forgive her and give her a second chance, but in the long run, she doesn't sound like a good candidate for reconciliation and it would just happen all over again. It's bad enough that you and your kids had to go through it the the first time.

[agoodperson]

Given that you want to save your marriage, my first advice would be for you to post this on the Second Chances sub-forum, where you are most likely to get more opinions from people going through Reconciliations.

 

Secondly I'll share this part of my story with you, in hopes of giving you added perspective since that's what you are asking for.

 

When my then wife left me for 3 months to go back to her home town, she at first said she did so in order to find herself. By this point she had thrown several fits about how unhappy she was with me, and the mistake she made marrying me. She said she saw herself in the arms of her ex-BF and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

 

When we were apart, she would call me to reassure me that she was alone. That she just needed time with her parents. But after 3 months, we were talking about a subject in which she let it slip that she had gone out to a place several times, with the exBF. I hung up. I got extremely upset. I wrote a letter insulting her, explaining that our marriage was over. That I felt so stupid and naive to think I could ever trust her, since all she has done all her life is lie to everyone. I told her to keep the guy. And I told her some really mean-spirited things about her life, house and family, that I said she deserved. [in hindsight, I regret reacting that way. There comes a time where you need to hold your ground and fight. But never sink to insulting]

 

The following day she came crying pleading for a chance to be the wife I deserved. She claimed nothing had happened between her and the ex-BF in those 3 months.

 

I didn't even want to think about it. I just gave her a chance because I wanted to stop the pain I was feeling due to her absence. So going against the advice of EVERYONE who helped me withstand what she did, I welcomed her back with open arms. Never questioning her EVER about what happened. She was sorry, that was enough for me.

 

But once the euphoria of being forgiven and being given a second chance died down, her tantrums came back. Little by little things got worse than they ever were. And my wife ultimately left me for good a week after my father died.

 

Basically she gathered the strength to make a new plan for herself at my expense. She knew going back to her ex-BF wasn't the solution to escape her family problems (alcoholic dad and abusive siblings), but she also knew staying with me wasn't a price she was willing to pay anymore to escape those issues.

 

That was my experience. Your wife is not my ex-wife. But I think they both benefited greatly from having husband who were desperately in love with them at the time of the 2nd chance. And that usually makes the WS's not fully appreciate the opportunity they have been given in the long run.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I really want this to work, but I believe that she may not have that 100% feeling for herself. Let me ask you if you regret trying? I do believe that my marriage can be saved, but I am sure it is a Longshot if she doesn't fully commit to reconciliation. She is all over the place. One day it is planning summer vacations together and then it is the big "what if I don't feel that spark for you again" line. I am getting mixed signals like it is my job. It is taking a real toll on me and thus everyone around me.

[agoodperson]

When I read your first thread I found myself hoping that you would take the advice of Ralph79 - he's lived it and clearly knows exactly what he is talking about. I can't claim to know anything firsthand about reconciliation, but it seems to me that you are her "backup plan" and that if her OM had not dumped her, that's where she would be right now. Why do you want a woman who feels that way?

 

I also would not be surprised if she does not "blame" you in some way for the fact that her OM ran the other direction - thus her comment about you being the reason for his actions.

 

To be honest I'm also having a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around the selfish act of just leaving her kids for another man. It's bad enough what she did to you, but what kind of mother does that to her kids?

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think you deserve much better. She probably would have been a lot more enthusiastic about reconciliation with you if you had thrown her out instead of offered to forgive her and give her a second chance, but in the long run, she doesn't sound like a good candidate for reconciliation and it would just happen all over again. It's bad enough that you and your kids had to go through it the the first time.

 

Wow. You nailed it. I ask myself the same thing about the OM leaving. If he stays, I am out cold. But he didn't and I am at this place. It is not a good place to be sure. I and my 3 kids were in a worse place 4 weeks ago. At least now they are happy again. But what kind of person does this to her husband and kids? It was a side I have never seen before in 17 years. She has been nice as pie the last 3 weeks, but I see glimmers of doubt or maybe it is remorse for the other man. I would say the high of me rescuing her from being dumped is wearing off and now she is questioning her life again. So what do I do to try to make it work? Because ultimately, that is what I want. Sighhhhh

[JS84]

Sounds like you took her back a bit too quickly and too easily. I bet if you had made her sweat a little and she had to face the prospect of losing her Plan A AND her Plan B, she wouldn't be nearly as confused and wishy washy as she seems to be.

 

When male BS take back their WS with the quickness the way you did, the only message they're sending their WS is "You can keep taking me for granted, I'll be here for you as your faithful Plan B". Women do not respect men who let them treat them the way your wife treated you. Women do not respect men who let them disrespect them as badly as she disrespected you and welcome them back with open arms.

 

And if the OM changes his mind and reaches out to her or she finds another man who she fancies (and it could be years down the line), she's not going to want her Plan B.

 

Also if she thinks the OM DID leave because he was afraid of you, don't try to convince her otherwise. That's probably the only thing about you regarding this situation she actually does respect.

 

If you want some advice, I'd say you make her start doing some of the heavy lifting in terms of repairing your marriage. I'd also start getting angry (not necessarily directing it at her) and stop giving your wife the vibe that she's out of the woods which I'm assuming your doing just based on your previous posts.

 

Again, women do not respect men who let themselves be disrespected by their women, and face little to no consequences for it. I've seen that kill far more reconciliation attempts than men who laid down the law and didn't have the door wide open and make returning a cake walk for their cheating wives as you seem more than willing to do.

Edited February 22, 2015 by JS84

[Ralph79]

Let me ask you if you regret trying?

 

I'll copy/paste something I said to someone on another thread regarding this part of my life:

 

Even though all my closest friends and family members who knew her, and who knew what was happening told me to move on, all it took was 1 person I wasn't all that close with, to say what I wanted to hear:

 

"Are you ready to live with the uncertainty of that HUGE 'What If', if you don't take her back?... She wants to be with you, all you have to do is say yes. Everyone who is telling you otherwise won't have to live with the uncertainty you will face for the rest of your life".

 

And just like I told that poster, I'll say this to you:

 

Only you have the capacity to balance the weight of the certainty vs uncertainty of what will happen in your relationship. You have to decide if the price is worth the gamble or not in each case.

 

For me, I decided that I couldn't live with the uncertainty of wondering "what if"... So I gave her a chance. It didn't work out. It actually got worse than it ever did, and I saw sides of her I wished I had never had given myself a chance to see.

 

Do I regret it? No

 

Because had I not done that, I would've wondered what if... and I think that would have been an insurmountable obstacle to overcome in future relationships.

 

Was I the price I paid worth it? Yes ... but only once.

 

Like I say : That's the reason I like to share my store and what little wisdom I got from my experiences. The more people that can benefit from what I learned, the more that the heavy price I paid for that knowledge, seems like a bargain.

 

 

Now as a last tip, I will tell you what my brother told me:

 

"Kick her out of your house. Let her be. Give yourself some value. Make something so simple as your mere acknowledgement something she needs to work really hard to regain. Have some dignity and self respect. Without it, you are worthless to her, despite what she might tell you."

 

I regret not following his advice every day. Not because I think that might have helped us still be together, but because I still regret surrendering my dignity to her.

[Try]

As much as it pains me to say this, she lived him on a deep emotional level that she is obviously having trouble letting go of and I think she is comparing her feelings to me with those feelings and I am coming up short on which one she wants in her life.

If you search on the web you will see that there are highly addictive brain drugs that are only released at the beginning of new romantic relationships. These newness brain drugs are similar to cocaine in what they do, and are what cause the fog that you often hear about during an affair. For a variety of reasons the body will stop producing these newness brain drugs after you are a few years into a romantic relationship; this correlates to what was once called the 7 year itch. Other things of a mature romantic relationship are suppose to bond you when the newness brain drugs stop coming, but cheaters keep looking for these newness brain drugs without appreciating the benefits of a mature romantic relationship. As long as she is selfishly looking at only the way that these newness brain drugs made her feel when comparing you to this or any other affair partner, you will lose.

 

She does want to work on our marriage and has stated this as well last night...she just wants to go slow as she puts it.

Sorry but from what you have said, there is no indication that she really does want to work on your relationship. Right now you are only her plan B until she can come up with another plan A. As long as you let her take you for granted by continuing to allow her to dictate the terms of your relationship, you will never be a plan A again. You cannot have true reconciliation without both respect and remorse, and she is not offering you either one of these things.

 

Your current path is a short term solution that will long term lead to the failure of your marriage. You must be willing to truly end your marriage to have a chance at saving it long term. Stop offering her cheap and easy false reconciliation as an option. Until she changes her tune and proves to you that she wants to do the heavy lifting needed by a cheater to save your marriage, you need to move forward with divorce and mean it. You need to be angry with her about her cheating. Change the dynamics by cutting her off from contact and intimacy instead of letting her control you with these things. Let her know that you will not be her plan B. That there are women out there that would thank God that they had you in their lives, and if that person is not her, you need move on so that you can find such a person.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Try

[Majormisstep]

Sorry AGP, intimacy with you is not high on her priority list. She is still reeling from the loss of her MM. And is probably hoping he will leave his M (or get kicked out, either scenario would work), or at very least is waiting for him to reach out to her in some capacity.

 

In the meantime, she is going through the motions of moving forward with you. You both will be all over the map with your emotions. Your marriage is extremely vulnerable right now and counselling is in order if it is to stand a chance. If the/her issues are not addressed through IC or MC, then she may be primed for another A down the road.

 

Likely once the A fog dissipates she will fully commit to working on the M. Until then it is going to be a rocky road for both of you.

[DKT3]

What your wife is going through is the same thing that several WW are going through on this site right now. She misses the AP, she sees you and the marriage as getting in the way and she wants to run. Running away is easy and allows her to not face what she has done to you and her kids. She even may start trying to get you to end it.

 

At some point she will wake up from her fantasy of him, and be ready to move forward. Sadly, you will likely have had more then you can take. The good thing is she is being somewhat honest with you. That doesn't make it hurt less, and you will have your limits.

[Furious]

Sorry for what you're going through. You're only 3weeks from d-day and it's just too soon to pressure yourself into making decisions clearly.

 

You're in shock and are trying to fix things in order to get what you thought you had. Also, it's not just about you, it's also about your kids and trying to do what you think is best for them. This is a huge thing.

 

Gently....you're showing your wife that you are weak, even though what you are trying to do shows you are strong. It takes strength to put your family first and try to make your marriage work. Unfortunately, your wife is too wrapped up in her affair and her "feelings" to put you or your kids first. You have shown her that you're a doormat in her eyes and she blames you for scaring away her other man. Do you see how insensical this is.

 

You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want true remorse and true reconciliation. You're offering cheap forgiveness, your actions say to her you will accept being plan b.

 

Your wife betrayed you, but you in a sense you are betraying yourself if you allow yourself to be disrespected.

 

If you don't show her you respect yourself and will let her go, she will never respect you.

 

Gather your courage, get legal advice on what your rights are as a father.

 

OM is sexy to her, grovelling insecure husband is not sexy.

[Hope Shimmers]

The replies on this thread are great and right on the money. Furious (and others) hit the nail on the head.

 

I would like to reiterate something someone else said in a reply. There are women out there who would love to have someone like you as their plan A forever. Do not settle for less!

 

From where I sit, I wonder why these women deserve men who love them so much. How can these women take so much for granted? Never in my life has any man loved me to that extent, and probably never will. These women have the best thing in the world and they are throwing it away. But that is her prerogative - to throw away a great man and her children. Find someone who is deserving of what you have to offer.

[DKT3]

Sorry for what you're going through. You're only 3weeks from d-day and it's just too soon to pressure yourself into making decisions clearly.

 

You're in shock and are trying to fix things in order to get what you thought you had. Also, it's not just about you, it's also about your kids and trying to do what you think is best for them. This is a huge thing.

 

Gently....you're showing your wife that you are weak, even though what you are trying to do shows you are strong. It takes strength to put your family first and try to make your marriage work. Unfortunately, your wife is too wrapped up in her affair and her "feelings" to put you or your kids first. You have shown her that you're a doormat in her eyes and she blames you for scaring away her other man. Do you see how insensical this is.

 

You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want true remorse and true reconciliation. You're offering cheap forgiveness, your actions say to her you will accept being plan b.

 

Your wife betrayed you, but you in a sense you are betraying yourself if you allow yourself to be disrespected.

 

If you don't show her you respect yourself and will let her go, she will never respect you.

 

Gather your courage, get legal advice on what your rights are as a father.

 

OM is sexy to her, grovelling insecure husband is not sexy.

 

I agree. I wrote in my last reply about just saying F it and start planning his life like she isn't a part of it, but I took it out because I don't think he has it in him YET. That is really the only way. She sees him as weak, and someone she can deal with on her terms, like so many of the WW's that post here she feels she is in control of the direction of the marriage. Power lies with the partner who cares less about it ending. Her focus is MM so ending the marriage isn't really that important to her.

 

So OP its important for you to be in control of your future. Right now what's going on is she is trying to figure a way to be with him. If he leaves today you as well as dumped. Don't allow her to dictate to you.

[lolablue17]

When you took her back so easily, You lost any chance of controlling your future. there are 2 other people who has control. 1 - your wife. 2 - OM.

I read what she said and she was very honest and clear. I will spell her words for you - She said:

 

1. "If OM calls me at any time, i will leave you in a second".

 

2. "If he doesn't and i stay, I'm giving you a notice in advance - be prepared for another cheating. I will cheat if i don't feel in love with you like you're an exciting new fresh man. And what are the chances for you to rock my world like a new fresh guy? zero chances. So = I will definitely cheat 100%".

 

She told you that almost literally.

 

I can tell you for sure - every one of us "misses the feeling of a new love". Who doesn't? Every one of us doesn't like the "routine". Every one of us dreams sometimes to feel like a single.

 

But not every one of us takes the decision to cheat. Many of us are people with compassion to our spouses and family. Your wife has compassion to only one person - Herself.

 

If you stay - declare an open marriage and go get thrills for youself too.

Edited February 22, 2015 by lolablue17

[agoodperson]

 

Do I regret it? No

 

Because had I not done that, I would've wondered what if... and I think that would have been an insurmountable obstacle to overcome in future relationships.

 

Was I the price I paid worth it? Yes ... but only once.

 

Like I say : That's the reason I like to share my store and what little wisdom I got from my experiences. The more people that can benefit from what I learned, the more that the heavy price I paid for that knowledge, seems like a bargain.

 

Thank you for writing. I also have decided that living with the what if is not something I wanted to do. I am not naive to think that we will be all roses going forward. Will I be on guard or be shocked if she starts doubting the relationship again? No. But I do know that it is salvageable. If anything, that our communication will be much stronger and we won't take each other for granted anymore. But if she ultimately does it again, I will know exactly what I will be doing to handle the situation thanks to this site. (And yes, it would be over on all levels of the relationship) I am just praying that we can avoid that and we become a stronger family. Today was a great day for all of us. Laughed...hugged...kissed...it was perfect and more importantly we talked in depth. I am sure I will have bad days like last night, but I don't and won't live with the what if. If it fails, I will not be the reason why and I do not believe in divorce so it would be a 2 year wait for the family to get closure and no one wants that. I really believe she is willing to try, just hopefully to the level as it needs to be. So what do you make of today's get together? Also, she invited me to breakfast at her place tomorrow just to hang out. Like I said, I really do see her changing for the better. That chemical from an affair is powerful and will take time to get out of her system.

[HereNorThere]

The person who cares the least, ultimately controls the most. She's obviously playing puppetmaster right now and will continue to do so until you show a little back bone.

 

Truthfully, you should love yourself enough to know you deserve better than a monster like this one. It takes a special kind of evil to hurt the parent of your 3 children. If she's capable of that, there's not much she wouldn't do. If she decides to stay with you, you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. I think your time would be better spent protecting your kids from her.

 

However, if you want this wounded bird, you're going to have to man up. Obviously things aren't over with OM. If she can successfully convince him that you're out of the picture, they'll be back together in no time. In fact, you really have guarantee that they aren't together now. You can't believe a word either one of them tell you and you never will.

[Ralph79]

Will I be on guard or be shocked if she starts doubting the relationship again? No

 

I will know exactly what I will be doing to handle the situation thanks to this site.

 

Fair warning. I once believed I could handle her leaving again when I welcomed her back. I believed myself strong enough to deal with anything and not cry for her anymore.

 

Not only did I cry the 2nd time she left. I nearly killed myself. It doesn't get easier the 2nd time around. Don't make such important decisions lightly. At least you have children to look after. I had nothing, and I had lost a parent. So maybe that had something to do with it. But I'm ashamed to say that her absence hurt me more than my father's. That's how powerful a feeling it was to see her leave me again.

 

I don't regret anything. But I really meant it when I said I paid a heavy price for what I learned. We really don't want you to get hurt. What you felt when she left, feels 10x worse if she does it again. You never get used to betrayal.

 

So what do you make of today's get together? Also, she invited me to breakfast at her place tomorrow just to hang out.

 

I'll do my best to echo what others have been trying to tell you:

 

You deserve a normal marriage. Your kids deserve a normal household with their mother. She is the one that needs to do ALL of the work to return to normalcy. If you start compromising, you've lost the battle. Even if you think you are helping your marriage in the long run, you are not.

 

The moment you start cleaning up her messes, she will keep doing them, because she will have lost the opportunity to atone for them and learn a lesson.

[toolforgrowth]

Literally 24 hours after my xWW's affair ended, she started initiating contact with me. She said she was ashamed of her actions, and that her kids have suffered enough as a result. And that our daughter said that she wanted to spend time with both her mother and I.

 

I called bull$hit. Our daughter hadn't said a single word to me about that. I also told her that while I appreciated her apology, it was far too late for it to have any meaning for me. And that we were no longer a family, and that we all needed to accept that, even our 5 year old daughter.

 

A few months went by and she had Christmas at her apartment with some dude and his kids. And she made it no secret that he was there. When I was dropping off our daughter, she opened the door wide and stepped aside to allow me to see him. And she just stared at me and blinked, as if to say, "What are you going to do about it?"

 

I literally smiled at her, looked at the other guy, waved at him, and cheerfully said "Have a good night!" And the look he gave me was priceless. He smiled back at me, and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. An hour later I was home chatting with my ex girlfriend on Facebook, and lo and behold, she gets a message from an alias FB account that said this:

 

"had a nice time with your boyfriend tonight. its hard being alone for the holidays. i guess we'll always have a connection. i can only imagine how hard it must be to hear this right now but i thought you should know."

 

Crazy, right?? But it sure explained her actions.

 

The whole point of this story is that she faced real life consequences as a result of her actions. She lost me. There was a very tiny chance that she could have gotten me back, had she stopped with the game playing, gotten into therapy, and really worked on herself. But she did none of those things, and continued to play games long after she and her now husband shacked up together. And I totally avoided all the heartbreak of another affair because all of her actions post divorce have shown me that she hasn't changed one bit.

 

I get that you want your wife back. But you gotta play hardball here. You can't just let her waltz back in. You need to be tough and make her work for you, not the other way around. That's the only way for you to truly flesh out her reasons for wanting you back. I was totally my xWW's Plan B. I took that away from her. She hated it, but you know what? She also respects me for it.

[agoodperson]

Just so everyone knows that I am not just bending over as many have said...she has to get counselling which she is doing, she is not allowed to the family home anymore, she has to have zero contact with OM which she told me is the case and he has about cried is the case. Just because I don't scream and holler doesn't mean we aren't doing it the right way. I take all the comments very seriously. I will continue to update and listen to more advice. Thank you in advance.

[lolablue17]

Just so everyone knows that I am not just bending over as many have said...she has to get counselling which she is doing, she is not allowed to the family home anymore, she has to have zero contact with OM which she told me is the case and he has about cried is the case. Just because I don't scream and holler doesn't mean we aren't doing it the right way. I take all the comments very seriously. I will continue to update and listen to more advice. Thank you in advance.

 

We are all see only the sharp lines of the picture, not the nuances. We all are right - STATISTICALLY. But it's only statistics. Anything can happen, even surprisingly happy future.

 

Good luck, man...

[HereNorThere]

Just so everyone knows that I am not just bending over as many have said...she has to get counselling which she is doing, she is not allowed to the family home anymore, she has to have zero contact with OM which she told me is the case and he has about cried is the case. Just because I don't scream and holler doesn't mean we aren't doing it the right way. I take all the comments very seriously. I will continue to update and listen to more advice. Thank you in advance.

 

 

Earth to agoodperson, do you copy? Over

 

Dude, your wife has a boyfriend that she admittedly has stronger feelings for than you and you're still pining for her. If that isn't bent over, I don't know what is.

 

You're in no position to make ultimatums or make her get counseling. You have zero control over the situation at all. Your fate will be decided by her. It's not your choice to reconcile, it's hers and until you respect yourself, it always will be. Come back to reality with us and look at things objectively. This woman is poison and you are begging her for another dose.

[badkarma2013]

lolablue17

Established Member

 

 

 

Join Date: Apr 2013

Posts: 800

Quote:

Originally Posted by agoodperson View Post

Just so everyone knows that I am not just bending over as many have said...she has to get counselling which she is doing, she is not allowed to the family home anymore, she has to have zero contact with OM which she told me is the case and he has about cried is the case. Just because I don't scream and holler doesn't mean we aren't doing it the right way. I take all the comments very seriously. I will continue to update and listen to more advice. Thank you in advance.

 

 

We are all see only the sharp lines of the picture, not the nuances. We all are right - STATISTICALLY. But it's only statistics. Anything can happen, even surprisingly happy future.

 

Good luck, man...

 

 

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STATISTICALLY Speaking he is done ...Brother HOW Do YOU KNOW she is has not contacted the OM...Because she said so...REALLY....She has Lied,Deceived and worse than all of that, she Betrayed you....

 

I Truly understand...but you are at the very least Plan B...At the very least..

 

(she wants to take it slow).. Really ..One question..who is calling the shots??...If It Is Not YOU...you sir are done...

 

She should be kissing you A%% if she is not ...you more that likely are in false R and it you will never recover...

 

IMHO this is about respect...and she clearly has none for you....

 

Again...I am so sorry for the break up on anyones family...I understand the soul crushing pain of t he Affair and the Horrendous sense of loss..However in my case what she did..she showed me she had No respect for me after 22years...and Ill be da*ned if im anyones Plan B.....She never got a second chance...And I am the better for it..Badkarma

 

PS If a Wife has lost respect for her husband (which she clearly has)..It Rarely Returns...

[HereNorThere]

Every single thing you are currently doing makes her resent you more.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=22900090

 

I suggest you read some of Owl's old threads. His wife was in a fog, like your wife, was willing to give up her whole life for some guy she didn't know.

 

One thing, what your wife felt for this guy she can't capture with you. She misses that intense crush like feeling that the affair brought out in her. She needs to really grieve the loss of him and let him go completely before she can reconnect with you.

[badkarma2013]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=22900090

 

I suggest you read some of Owl's old threads. His wife was in a fog, like your wife, was willing to give up her whole life for some guy she didn't know.

 

One thing, what your wife felt for this guy she can't capture with you. She misses that intense crush like feeling that the affair brought out in her. She needs to really grieve the loss of him and let him go completely before she can reconnect with you.

 

******************************************************************

 

I agree with everything in your above post..However I have one question....Why would anyone want a WW back who is pining over the OM and who has pretty much destroyed life as the BH knew it...?? Why