Trying To Reconcile Update

[whichwayisup]

******************************************************************

 

I agree with everything in your above post..However I have one question....Why would anyone want a WW back who is pining over the OM and who has pretty much destroyed life as the BH knew it...?? Why

 

Because Owl's wife did a 180 and realized what she was going to lose by him telling her "if you walk out that door, don't come back. We are divorced..." She got scared. Owl and his wife are fine now with a lot of hard work during their recovery. The thing is though, they BOTH worked hard to fix things, a marriage cannot be saved unless BOTH spouses put in 100%. IF one isn't sure or isn't willing to do everything possible, then it won't work.

 

In the OP's situation, it really depends on if his wife truly is ready to focus on fixing herself and reconnecting with her husband, doing everything required to get things back.

[JS84]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=22900090

 

I suggest you read some of Owl's old threads. His wife was in a fog, like your wife, was willing to give up her whole life for some guy she didn't know.

 

One thing, what your wife felt for this guy she can't capture with you. She misses that intense crush like feeling that the affair brought out in her. She needs to really grieve the loss of him and let him go completely before she can reconnect with you.

 

That link doesn't work. What is user's name?

[Jkidding]

My advice is not put your kids in this equation. It's between you and your wife. It might be too hard for them to feel that one of their parents is living unhappy life because of them. They might feel angry or guilty because of that.

[Spark1111]

Don't call, don't write. Speak only of the children and when she can see them.

 

get real busy, with you.

 

Do not be a sure bet; don't be her Plan B fall back guy. Act neutral in front of her.

 

people in or exiting affairs thrive on drama....It makes them feel more alive and that's the feeling that addicted them to the affair in the first place.

 

She needs to defog and if she is serious about reconciling, she needs to pursue YOU and the marriage.

 

At that point, you can demand any conditions you need to reconcile. Forget intimacy, that's a ways off.

 

People who miss that in love feeling tend to be emotionally immature. they have no clue what mature love feels like. the fantasy of an affair IS nothing like real life.

 

One phone call and the OM went running? Love, schmove.

 

three kids? jeez.....Take this REAL slow.

[Fearful]

OP, how sure are you that your WW having resume contact with her AP. She cheated on you and So far, she having shown any serious remorse so nothing will stop her from cheating on you again. Respect your self and divorce this woman.

[fellini]

BH 20 months into R with WS who feel in love with her AP, but on DDAY wanted to stay.

 

So here are some random observations/experiences I have based on some of the above responses and or issues you raise.

 

1st. I do not see how you can RECONCILE the day after DDAY. I really think it's important to separate RECOVERY from RECONCILIATION. One can never recover from the entire impact of a A, but there is a period in time in which one, unless divorce is already on the table, needs to move through before any reconciliation can begin. I gave my WS 3 months moratorium on any decisions based on existing evidence. This meant, as long as SHE was doing what needed to be done, I would agree to try. (But if she called or went back to see him, then we were done) But to try to reconcile a marriage at this early stage seems forceful to me, and a lot of essential work and repair is getting pushed aside in the hopes to save something that is as yet not fully grasped. I say this because things hit me like a ton of bricks weeks, a month, two months after DDAY and one has to move past this first.

 

Reconcile when you feel better about trying to save the marriage. Trying to save the marriage before you feel good is trying to stop the hurt. Not a good strategy, and pretty much doomed to failure down the road.

 

2. You are both going to make mistakes. My WW made huge mistakes along the first months, and I made several myself. I didn't find MC very useful because she was still not clean with me about the details of her A, so we were paying hard earned money to a stranger to listen to more lies, with me in the room. There are some essential behaviours you need to see. NC is the big one. Getting it out in the open, honestly, and in a caring way, is another, but is surprisingly harder to get than the "I own it" admission. Phrases like gaslighting and trickle-truth exist because they are universals. So when they happen, don't go into shock and toss everything out the window:

 

Trickle truth is sometimes a necessary process to go through. It does not always mean that she isn't in it for the long haul.

 

If she had stronger feelings for her AP than for you, that makes sense.

The opposite would have scared the sh-t out of me: that my WW spent 18 months in an EA and more than a month in a PA and didn't even like the guy? No thanks, Im not going to like that scenario any more than the one where I mattered less to her then, than he did, and now I matter PERIOD, and he is under the bus. Again. These stories are not unique. They are getting golden globe awards for a TV series because they are in fact CLICHES.

 

So. Yes. She was more emotionally ("in love" cocaine addiction love) with her AP. And supposedly she is coming down. If she is still with you after what Shirley Glass called the 3 months moratorium, and fighting to save her marriage, then you have a fighting chance.

 

Yes, people here will say there are no guarantees. I can only say this. If I walk away from this R at any point in the future, I can pretty much assure you it will not be from what SHE is DOING or NOT doing, it will fall entire upon me: my ability to live with myself knowing what I know, and who I have become because of this A. I will not be blaming her at that point. I will simply be saying, I cannot do this.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 23, 2015 by fellini

[Biere123]

So fighting to save her marriage means she would not respond to his emails and text messages correct?

[sandylee1]

I think it's clear she is still in love with the OM. She's having feelings she may wish she didn't, but she can't help. I know you're both in counselling and I hope you are getting the truth from your W.

 

It looks like your wife came back because :

 

- he dumped her

- she felt guilty when you found out she cheated

- she felt ashamed

- was scared your children would find out

 

What she wanted was a separation, then after a few months she'd say she met someone and then file for D.

 

Are you really seeing true remorse from her?

Are you okay for her to stay in the marriage for the kids while her heart is elsewhere? Some people are okay with this for the kids sake. Some couples have an open marriage till the kids leave home.

 

She doesn't want intimacy with you, but from what you say she'd have no problem with the OM.

 

You can't make her feel differently for you. You can only be you.

 

You probably won't want to hear this, but I've always believed if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be.

 

If you said to your wife you ultimately wanted her to be happy, and if that was with the OM she should go and be with him, what do you honestly think her response would be?

[badkarma2013]

Posted by fellini:

 

"Yes, people here will say there are no guarantees. I can only say this. If I walk away from this R at any point in the future, I can pretty much assure you it will not be from what SHE is DOING or NOT doing, it will fall entire upon me: my ability to live with myself knowing what I know, and who I have become because of this A. I will not be blaming her at that point. I will simply be saying, I cannot do this."

 

*******************************************************************

 

I agree there are No Guarantees..not even for happy marriages...

 

The rest of your post hit home hard...I knew it fell entirely on me..What I saw..knew and the Person that I had become....I truly believe when D-Day arrives and after if R is in the cards...There comes to all BSs a moment of clarity that hits us and You Know..whether you can continue and or as you simply put it.."I cannot do this any longer"

 

Not speaking for you..(I applaud your honesty and your telling of your own journey and how it is Not all rainbows and unicorns..) ,..but Many enter into R ..when THEY KNOW they cannot get over the A..the lies and deceit...and they know it when they start..

 

IMHO that is why many of the attempts at R, Fail... ... After D-Day, A pretty high percent of BHs (65-70 %) try to R and stay with their WWs...However of that 65%? 70% +- percent file for D within 3 years...Again they knew at the Start they could not get over what happened and what they had become...

 

At that point...it does become exactly what you said...it is no longer what she is doing or not doing...It is ,I simply cannot live like this any longer...

 

Badkarma

 

PS I systematically destroyed everything and everyone associated with my WWs affair...I HATED what I had become...and who I was...I had to file for D to save myself...the rest was gone...It mattered not at that point..

Edited February 23, 2015 by badkarma2013

[fellini]

The problem with this is it is mostly conjecture. What things look like are not always what they seem. And in the turmoil of post DDAY trauma, there is a lot of sh-t muddying the waters. It's not much of a place to base a decision on.

 

What I remember is asking my WW if she finished with the AP was more about that, than about whether I wanted to end the marriage. Her agreement to do so was said to be to "stay in the marriage". But it was much clearer, later, after the dust had settled, that the reasons were actually more about what you say: her fear of the unknown, of it coming out, of the family, of the fallout, of permanently losing her daughter's innocent love, of all kinds of narcisitic issues, losing her primary supply. Maybe, just maybe, losing 18 years of marriage.

 

Later, as I say, once the dust settled, it became clear she actually knew what she was fighting for and WHY. And to get there she needed time to get the AP out of her mind.

 

Hence my point that people need a period of recovery and detox.

 

I think it's clear she is still in love with the OM. She's having feelings she may wish she didn't, but she can't help. I know you're both in counselling and I hope you are getting the truth from your W.

 

It looks like your wife came back because :

 

- he dumped her

- she felt guilty when you found out she cheated

- she felt ashamed

- was scared your children would find out

 

What she wanted was a separation, then after a few months she'd say she met someone and then file for D.

 

Are you really seeing true remorse from her?

Are you okay for her to stay in the marriage for the kids while her heart is elsewhere? Some people are okay with this for the kids sake. Some couples have an open marriage till the kids leave home.

 

She doesn't want intimacy with you, but from what you say she'd have no problem with the OM.

 

You can't make her feel differently for you. You can only be you.

 

You probably won't want to hear this, but I've always believed if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be.

 

If you said to your wife you ultimately wanted her to be happy, and if that was with the OM she should go and be with him, what do you honestly think her response would be?

[fellini]

I think you are right. I think both the WS and the BS are capable, certainly I was capable, of doing "the right thing" for the "wrong reasons". All I know is that in the past I would have called her all kinds of names and booted her or walked away and not look back.

 

With DDAY I held my ground. Was it because I was afraid of not being in a marriage? of being alone? of losing something? of her going back to the AP? wanting her to switch back and win the game? any of or all of those things. I will not say that it was my profound and deep attachment to our marriage that kept me there because during the fallout of DDAY I was in no position to step back and look at anything. I was trying to survive.

 

The ability to see things clears little by little and then the truth of what it is you want, and are doing begins to chisel out its shape for you. It's always a work in progress. I am still not 100% of the mind that this won't send me walking. But I certainly know that my gut is telling me I might actually make it. And if I know one thing, it's not that her A is making my decision. It's me.

 

But I definitely get you, there are some people who know they are not going to make it, and you are exactly right, they shouldn't try, but I don't hold them accountable for hanging in there while they recover. I still have days where I am in, I am out, I am in, I am out again. But this is not the same thing as KNOWING you are not going to make it. I tell my WW sometimes she is just going to have to accept my vacillations are part of the process of healing.

 

It took me about 5 months to be able to believe that I was not afraid to lose my marriage over this. Although a big item on the list, it wasn't the only.

 

I think you are right about the failure rate. And if we could measure, I think a large part of them were people who didn't actually think they could let it go, but were not ready to let it go at that moment for many reasons. The pain numbing the soul comes to mind rather quickly.

 

 

 

Posted by fellini:

 

"Yes, people here will say there are no guarantees. I can only say this. If I walk away from this R at any point in the future, I can pretty much assure you it will not be from what SHE is DOING or NOT doing, it will fall entire upon me: my ability to live with myself knowing what I know, and who I have become because of this A. I will not be blaming her at that point. I will simply be saying, I cannot do this."

 

*******************************************************************

 

I agree there are No Guarantees..not even for happy marriages...

 

The rest of your post hit home hard...I knew it fell entirely on me..What I saw..knew and the Person that I had become....I truly believe when D-Day arrives and after if R is in the cards...There comes to all BSs a moment of clarity that hits us and You Know..whether you can continue and or as you simply put it.."I cannot do this any longer"

 

Not speaking for you..(I applaud your honesty and your telling of your own journey and how it is Not all rainbows and unicorns..) ,..but Many enter into R ..when THEY KNOW they cannot get over the A..the lies and deceit...and they know it when they start..

 

IMHO that is why many of the attempts at R, Fail... ... After D-Day, A pretty high percent of BHs (65-70 %) try to R and stay with their WWs...However of that 65%? 70% +- percent file for D within 3 years...Again they knew at the Start they could not get over what happened and what they had become...

 

At that point...it does become exactly what you said...it is no longer what she is doing or not doing...It is ,I simply cannot live like this any longer...

 

Badkarma

 

PS I systematically destroyed everything and everyone associated with my WWs affair...I HATED what I had become...and who I was...I had to file for D to save myself...the rest was gone...It mattered not at that point..

Edited February 23, 2015 by fellini

[No Limit]

OP, everyone has predicted that your wife will quit respecting you completely and consider you plan B. Seeing how she's having her own apartment now so she can be with OM in peace and abandon you and her own kids I'd say all of that is happening now, but there's so many trees you can't see the forest.

 

I'm afraid you'll have to learn the hard way what she's really like. Good luck.

[agoodperson]

The problem with this is it is mostly conjecture. What things look like are not always what they seem. And in the turmoil of post DDAY trauma, there is a lot of sh-t muddying the waters. It's not much of a place to base a decision on.

 

What I remember is asking my WW if she finished with the AP was more about that, than about whether I wanted to end the marriage. Her agreement to do so was said to be to "stay in the marriage". But it was much clearer, later, after the dust had settled, that the reasons were actually more about what you say: her fear of the unknown, of it coming out, of the family, of the fallout, of permanently losing her daughter's innocent love, of all kinds of narcisitic issues, losing her primary supply. Maybe, just maybe, losing 18 years of marriage.

 

Later, as I say, once the dust settled, it became clear she actually knew what she was fighting for and WHY. And to get there she needed time to get the AP out of her mind.

 

Hence my point that people need a period of recovery and detox.

 

I need the dust to settle more and for her to get over the OM. But I don't know if she will or even wants to. She says she does and that she will need time. I do want the marriage to work, but not at the expense of my beliefs and feelings. For instance, a major internal conflict for me is the following....she secretly did everything on her phone. We both agreed to trust one another going forward and communicate all feelings and issues going forward. ..which we have. (And sometimes they were bad) Now I don't know how to discuss being able to see her phone without sounding nontrusting. We have been doing very well, but this bothering me. Am I just over reacting? Do I just talk to her about it? And if she refuses, what do I say and do? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. I just feel that her secret world on there is more important to her than our marriage getting fixed. I asked her to let me have her "line id" so I could add her as a friend on a game and she made an excuse why she didn't want me to have it. This is the service she used to talk to the OM and a bunch of other people in cyberworld. I do not think she is still talking to the OM, but she does still talk to others that are her support for her side of the affair. I'm guessing people who would accept it as the right thing to do. So I think she is afraid to lose that support system or let me see them. I asked her to add me to the group chat with all of them and she said she didn't want to because it was her thing and it would be like I am trying to ruin it for her. I once was apart of it years ago, and it was just people having fun, but not to the level of sex and affairs...just jokes and gaming. So what do I do about this feeling and issue?

[agoodperson]

OP, everyone has predicted that your wife will quit respecting you completely and consider you plan B. Seeing how she's having her own apartment now so she can be with OM in peace and abandon you and her own kids I'd say all of that is happening now, but there's so many trees you can't see the forest.

 

I'm afraid you'll have to learn the hard way what she's really like. Good luck.

 

Not disagreeing with you. Trying to clear my mind, but I am very lost. What I know is this, we have both agreed to get counselling and are. She cut off all contact with the OM and as far as I know she has kept that true. She is planning on returning home in the near future. We are talking and working through it day by day. Am I wrong in this approach? If so, please tell me the right way to repair our marriage the right way. I am living in a fog right now. When I'm with her, I am happy. When away and I can think, I do wonder if I am doing the right steps to make this marriage right. I can tell you that a day goes by that I don't feel pain and hurt from the affair. But I do want a happy ending. How do I get it?

[No Limit]

Now I don't know how to discuss being able to see her phone without sounding nontrusting. We have been doing very well, but this bothering me. Am I just over reacting? Do I just talk to her about it?

 

How can you call it a reconciliation when she's not transparent?! You go to her and ask her to let you check EVERYTHING for a while. Phone, e-mails, everything.

 

And if she refuses, what do I say and do?

 

If she refuses you get a divorce lawyer. When you find fresh stuff from OM you also get the divorce rollin'. And don't fall for it when she lets you look at everything the next day -- after deleting everything.

 

Not disagreeing with you. Trying to clear my mind, but I am very lost. What I know is this, we have both agreed to get counselling and are. She cut off all contact with the OM and as far as I know she has kept that true. She is planning on returning home in the near future. We are talking and working through it day by day. Am I wrong in this approach? If so, please tell me the right way to repair our marriage the right way. I am living in a fog right now. When I'm with her, I am happy. When away and I can think, I do wonder if I am doing the right steps to make this marriage right. I can tell you that a day goes by that I don't feel pain and hurt from the affair. But I do want a happy ending. How do I get it?

 

There's no recipe, but if this forum has taught me anything it's that you alone will never get to happy end stage. You need your spouse aboard. And when he or she is not fully in, it's a waste of time. A marriage consists of 2 people, and only 2 people can fix it.

Edited February 23, 2015 by No Limit

[Ralph79]

I asked her to let me have her "line id" so I could add her as a friend on a game and she made an excuse why she didn't want me to have it. This is the service she used to talk to the OM and a bunch of other people in cyberworld.

 

Without making the obvious assumptions that you already suspect, I'll tell you this:

 

If your wife can't empathize with your reasonable concerns. If she's unwilling to do a minor thing such as add you to a particular social media circle for the sake of your peace of mind, then she's not really meeting you half way is she?

 

You are little by little conceding to behaviors that undermine you as her equal in this marriage again. I know you know this is wrong. Don't be afraid of losing her. The moment you lose that fear is the moment you take the first step towards gaining back her sincere respect.

[drifter777]

There are some essential behaviours you need to see. NC is the big one.

fellini: I rarely agree with you but I liked your post. This part has me curious though: didn't your WW continue to work with OM where certain level of contact was unavoidable? Ok, end of TJ.

 

OP: I understand where you are and empathize with the horrible emotional position you are in right now. You want to protect your kids from another break-up but she isn't living with them now. Isn't his kind of a limbo situation where they may seem happier because they see her more often but when she's not there they have to wonder what the heck is going on. I'm sure you know your own kids but I caution you to understand that they hear everything and know much more then you think they do about this whole mess. As I said, I know how crushed you are right now but you need to act for your children as well as your own well being. You are the custodial parent and you owe the kids more then you are able to give with all the drama going on right now. If I were you I'd push her to move back home so you can seriously work on your marriage. Tell her you will sleep on the couch or whatever but get her back in the house. If she will not do this you are going to have to get serious about ending the marriage and establishing a solid co-parenting plan for your kids so they can begin to understand how all of this is going to work. Right now they are much more afraid of the unknown then you are and need stability. This needs to be your biggest motivator right now. If your WW is too selfish to work with you now for the sake of your children then - well - I don't know what to say.

[fellini]

Drifter: occasional, very infrequent visual contact only. Unavoidable. Actually helped me to believe her turn around was genuine. Zero communication on her part, a couple of unsuccessful intentions on his. Her NC was pretty black and white considering they work in the same university building but not the same department.

 

OP: I don't know. Your situation is terribly different. her commitments to you seem to be geared to an unknown future. Without concrete gestures I think your agenda needs to be from a posture of, as drifter explains, limbo.

 

If my WW were in limbo after dday, I would stop the process of communication in the line of any joint reconstruction andfocus on readying myself for what I cannot prevent happening.

 

You seem to be a step or two ahead of your wife. Either she needs to catch up and be on the same page, or you need to slow down, or alternatively, prepare yourself to walk this journey without her. None of these strategies means give up.

 

 

 

fellini: I rarely agree with you but I liked your post. This part has me curious though: didn't your WW continue to work with OM where certain level of contact was unavoidable? Ok, end of TJ.

 

OP: I understand where you are and empathize with the horrible emotional position you are in right now. You want to protect your kids from another break-up but she isn't living with them now. Isn't his kind of a limbo situation where they may seem happier because they see her more often but when she's not there they have to wonder what the heck is going on. I'm sure you know your own kids but I caution you to understand that they hear everything and know much more then you think they do about this whole mess. As I said, I know how crushed you are right now but you need to act for your children as well as your own well being. You are the custodial parent and you owe the kids more then you are able to give with all the drama going on right now. If I were you I'd push her to move back home so you can seriously work on your marriage. Tell her you will sleep on the couch or whatever but get her back in the house. If she will not do this you are going to have to get serious about ending the marriage and establishing a solid co-parenting plan for your kids so they can begin to understand how all of this is going to work. Right now they are much more afraid of the unknown then you are and need stability. This needs to be your biggest motivator right now. If your WW is too selfish to work with you now for the sake of your children then - well - I don't know what to say.

Edited February 23, 2015 by fellini

[Try]

She cut off all contact with the OM and as far as I know she has kept that true.

You say that "She cut off all contact with the OM and as far as I know she has kept that true", but the truth is that you do not know because you do not have full transparency from her, where she lets you do things like look at her phone without complaint. Heck she does not even live with you, so for all that you know her affair partner is still dropping by her pad for sex with her.

 

She is planning on returning home in the near future.

There is no good reason why she did not immedaitly move back with you and her children. Just because she is paying for the apartment does not make her have to use it. It cost the same either way. She has not moved back because she still want her privacy from you for a reason that she is not telling you. She may be waiting at the apartment to allow her affair partner time try to work things out with her.

 

But I do want a happy ending. How do I get it?

The only way to get a happy ending from this is to not tie your happiness to a person that is not 100 % committed to you. Your old marriage is over. She is not that person anymore. Your happiness needs to be tied to you finding a partner that wants 100% to be your faithful partner. If she works hard to prove to you that she can be that person, then maybe you give her another chance. She has not done that even a little bit. Edited February 23, 2015 by Try

[sandylee1]

I need the dust to settle more and for her to get over the OM. But I don't know if she will or even wants to. She says she does and that she will need time. I do want the marriage to work, but not at the expense of my beliefs and feelings. For instance, a major internal conflict for me is the following....she secretly did everything on her phone. We both agreed to trust one another going forward and communicate all feelings and issues going forward. ..which we have. (And sometimes they were bad) Now I don't know how to discuss being able to see her phone without sounding nontrusting. We have been doing very well, but this bothering me. Am I just over reacting? Do I just talk to her about it? And if she refuses, what do I say and do? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. I just feel that her secret world on there is more important to her than our marriage getting fixed. I asked her to let me have her "line id" so I could add her as a friend on a game and she made an excuse why she didn't want me to have it. This is the service she used to talk to the OM and a bunch of other people in cyberworld. I do not think she is still talking to the OM, but she does still talk to others that are her support for her side of the affair. I'm guessing people who would accept it as the right thing to do. So I think she is afraid to lose that support system or let me see them. I asked her to add me to the group chat with all of them and she said she didn't want to because it was her thing and it would be like I am trying to ruin it for her. I once was apart of it years ago, and it was just people having fun, but not to the level of sex and affairs...just jokes and gaming. So what do I do about this feeling and issue?

 

After an affair TOTAL transparency is required. That means you have her email, phone and all other passwords. You should be able to check them at any time. If she's not willing to pass them over, she has something to hide.

 

That's not to say she can't get a secret phone. Bottom line. ..if she wants to contact him she will find a way. The fact that she lives away from you enables her to still have a relationship of some sort with the OM.

 

I think your wife needs to do some reading about, 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair '

 

 

I know you can't write everything here, but is she really doing the hard work toward reconciliation?

 

Does she show that she is so very grateful you are giving her a second chance?

 

Please continue to post and update us. I know you won't always hear what you want, but most are trying to help. I know your marriage is not the same as anyone else's, but try and protect yourself from being hurt by her again.

 

Maybe you should also tell her you want to take things slowly. Give yourself time to think.

Edited February 23, 2015 by sandylee1

[fellini]

It's a huge error to tie ones happiness to another person's desires to be 100 % anything.

I have never met or heard of anyone who had a serious relationship with another person that didn't think it was not founded on fidelity.

 

People change. People screw up. Don't tie your happiness to another. Make yourself happy and share that with some one worthwhile.

 

 

Your happiness needs to be tied to you finding a partner that wants 100% to be your faithful partner. If she works hard to prove to you that she can be that person, then maybe you give her another chance. She has not done that even a little bit.

[Darren Steez]

Here is a link to my story before I get started. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/513239-confronted-wife-about-cheating-10.html

 

but I truly believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment and that is something I am not willing to give up on.

 

But it's not if the other person clearly isn't in love with you. She broke the contract and had OM had more substance about him she would have been with him, thus ending your marriage anyway, so it would have been out of your hands.

 

I believe in her own way she has quite clearly told you and shown through her actions she has checked out.

 

Time for you to check out too. Sorry.

[HereNorThere]

In OP's defense, there are plenty of posters who's partner fell in love with someone else, sleep with other people, continue to work with their affair partners, continue to lie past D-day, continue to break NC, etc. etc. and did not leave their WS.

 

So it is possible to stay together without any tangible consequences. You just have to live the rest of your life looking look the other way. If that's the life he wants, there are lots of people here who can help him.

[devilish innocent]

I actually see it as a somewhat good sign that she's brought up concerns about her feelings for you versus the other man. I read your posts in the last thread, and it seemed like the decision to reconcile was somewhat sudden on her part. It seemed odd that she wouldn't have any lingering doubts, and I wondered if she was only doing and saying what she needed to do to keep you around. The fact that she's bringing up these concerns could be an indication that she really intends to be honest with you.

 

I definitely think you should ask to see her phone. I don't think you should agree to trust her until she's proven herself again. Of course, you're not going to be able to trust her yet! You just recently found out she spent a year cheating on you with another man. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to rebuild that trust. You can't just say you trust and then pretend as though you do. Well, you could, but it would be a really bad idea. She should understand why you would feel insecure and need proof for a while.

[road]

It is normal for the WW to feel conflicted after she ends her affair. As with addictions some people can quit smoking cold turkey others take time to detox.