Trying To Reconcile Update

[drifter777]

Probably the most important part of the 180 is the BH's resolve to get what he needs from WW and the courage to demand it. It seems as though you've done a sort of modified 180 but this latest development proves the strength of your resolve. You are telling her and showing her that you will NOT continue to live like a lap dog - just waiting to get a scrap of love & respect from her and joyfully happy if you get one. Bravo!

 

Dig in and be confident you are doing the right thing. If she won't be a wife for you but wants to be a mother to the kids, fine. That's called divorce with co-parenting. Millions of couple are doing it and many, many of their families are flourishing.

[oldshirt]

.....and now a word of warning.

 

This may all seem random and and unique onto you since you are the one going through it. But all of these scenarios tend to follow the same script and tend to play out in surprisingly predictable patterns and stages.

 

At some point in th upcoming days and weeks, she is going to suddenly realize that she is sitting in some little apartment without her kids and without the OM and she is going to realize that you are serious and that you may actually move on without her

 

(she will really realize this once she sees other women flairing their tails around you)

 

At some point, she is going to show up on your doorstep wearing some slinky little sump'n sump' n underneath her clothes and she is going to seduce you like a who're in heat. It will be nasty, off the charts porn sex and she will be doing things that she has never done with you before ( keep reminding yourself she did do them with the OM though)

 

She may even try to get pregnant.

 

You will be very tempted to think that she has miraculously came to her senses and turned the corner and you are now on your way to a happy, blissful marriage -

 

BUT............. this is all an illusion and big mindfck. It isn't real.

 

She knows sexuality is your Achilles Heal and knows that's what you want most. Once she realizes she may lose her home and 24/7 access to the kids and may truly spend her indefinite future in an apt, she will use her sexuality to soften your stance and let her back in and continue to serve her.

 

The problem is, it's not a true desire and not a true attraction or true passion. It's a ruse and she won't be able to maintain it. After she has you sufficiently snowed, her sex will turn off like a Fawcett and you'll spend the rest of your days as platonic roommates and it will be even harder to get away the next time.

 

Worse yet, she will still have desires and needs, just not for you. and she will start to cheat again. Only this time she will be a lot smarter and a lot better to cover her tracks. She will be getting her needs met on the side while you suffer in quiet desperation.

 

Then when the kids are off in college or even completely on their own, you will come home one day loading her stuff into a moving van and she will say she put everything into raising her family and now she needs to go "find herself."

 

Think this is farfetched? Guess again. This is the script. This is how it plays out all over the world when guys open their hearts to women that don't desire them and get their thrills with other men. This is right out of the WW Handbook.

 

If you aren't able to harden your heart enough to move on even after she lays you like tile, then don't go there.

 

If your heart is like a concrete bunker and your soul is set on moving on and living free without even if she does finally do anal like you've always wanted, then go ahead and fill her @$$ and then keep your date with that sexy blond down the street the next night and keep on trucking.

 

Remember the boundaries with the three classifications of women. She is a combination of #1 and #3. She is not your special someone any more. Don't treat her like she is.

[agoodperson]

Many of you know my situation well. I am wondering about the ending to this story. The first end is a divorce. That is a simple ending and we go our separate ways. The second is we move back in with each other and try to live happily ever after. For this one, when would you extend an invite? After how long of feeling like she "truly" loves me and is being a real wife would you allow her to return? I am in no hurry and her lease is until the end of July. I feel at this point, her main goal is the kids. 2 months ago, she left them high and dry to be on her own and try to start a new life with another man. We have come a long way since then but not nearly far enough for me. I wonder from a woman's view, what she is willing to do to get back home for the kids? Fake the passion part? That is one thing she was not going to do anymore according to her. How long do I go just cuddling and kissing before I realize she won't ever love me like I want? Just letting questions out there.

[BlueIris]

I got hit today with "I want to come home" from her unexpectedly. It was out of nowhere. She told me at work that our daughter wrote her a long email that she misses her tucking her in and being around for her. I feel that this is a huge moment in this drama. She smiled as though I would be happy she wants to come home. I told her that I only want her home once our marriage is fixed on a level that I am happy and not just her. I said that until then, she needs to stay away from the house. She was flabbergasted to say the least. I think she thought I was going to be happy. After last weekend to add to the equation....it was weird to me. I think it is all about the kids for her and she has to deal with meal in order to be apart of their lives. My kids are taking this hard and just want their mom back. I just want a loving wife and to be a great dad. She just wants to be a mom and to be good friends with me. It is driving me batty. Any other girl would be all over me for how good I treated her. She basically said that because of sex, you don't want me home? What a loaded question. But I said no, I want a wife who will take care of my needs as a loving husband and yes that includes passion in the bedroom. She got quiet and we went our separate ways. I am very strong on not letting her back unless she finds the "spark" she used for leaving. I basically repeated the reasons she left and said that they have yet to be resolved. Do I want a wife to make love to? **** yes! Give me a break. I am not looking for a roommate. ..wtf? What would you all do in this situation?

 

The exact same thing. Good for you.

 

I'd also want good reason to be confident that my spouse was serious about rebuilding trust and wasn't going to be selfish- probably covered in your repeating the reasons she left.

[beach]

How long? Since she isn't acting as if she totally into ONLY you - there's really nothing new to consider except taking care of yourself.

 

For today - treat her as if she's not a part of your life since that's the way she's acting.

[BlueIris]

I can’t say when, and honestly the passion part would be far down on my list because I couldn’t be passionate about someone I viewed as selfish or unconcerned about me. MAYBE so-so sex could be part of rebuilding trust and caring, but I'm pretty sure I'd be guarded and cautious emotionally. I think it would take me a long while to feel the way I would need to in order to be passionate again. Just speculating.

[oldshirt]

Many of you know my situation well. I am wondering about the ending to this story. The first end is a divorce. That is a simple ending and we go our separate ways. The second is we move back in with each other and try to live happily ever after. For this one, when would you extend an invite? After how long of feeling like she "truly" loves me and is being a real wife would you allow her to return? I am in no hurry and her lease is until the end of July. I feel at this point, her main goal is the kids. 2 months ago, she left them high and dry to be on her own and try to start a new life with another man. We have come a long way since then but not nearly far enough for me. I wonder from a woman's view, what she is willing to do to get back home for the kids? Fake the passion part? That is one thing she was not going to do anymore according to her. How long do I go just cuddling and kissing before I realize she won't ever love me like I want? Just letting questions out there.

 

Some fair questions in there.

 

I think the answer to those questions is - when you are a completely different man than you were before she got involved with the OM.

 

When you old self is dead and buried and your new self is a man that is stronger, more fit, better dressed, better groomed and styled, more confident and sure of himself, more assertive and proactive with his wants and needs, is strong enough not to take anyone's sht, is able to take his pick of women younger and prettier than her, once he can turn cuddles and kisses into sex and is completely ready, willing and able to walk away from her and not look back if you even get the hint she is not on the up and up.

 

Once you become that man and can choose between her and choose between women younger and prettier than her, then if you still chose to try with her and are ready, willing and able to walk if she doesn't provide exactly what you want- then you can invite her back.

 

As we have all said all along, make it about you. Once you are that man above, then you can do what you want.

 

Untill you are truly that man, then she will walk on you and break your heart and crush your soul.

 

This is all about YOUR qualifications, not hers.

[Sassy Girl]

From a woman's view... I stay in a dysfunctional marriage ONLY for my children. Both of us put up with a fair bit "for this kids"...

 

Mind you, I can't ever imagine walking out on them like your wife did - that's incomprehensible to me.

 

She's already tellig you you're not going to have the marriage you want. Believe her. Time to move on.

[oldshirt]

 

She's already tellig you you're not going to have the marriage you want. Believe her.

 

 

Always very wise words.

 

 

Believe her.

 

If she was on her knees in tears spewing her love for you and promising you the world, I would be 99% skeptical and would not believe a word she was saying untill she had proved every letter for at least 5 years.

 

But she is telling you she doesn't and probably never will. I would believe that as I would the very word of God.

 

The reason I have such faith in that is her actions and the things she has done are consistent with her saying you will never have the marriage you want with her.

 

She has told you a thousand lies lately. That is the one truth unfortunately.

[agoodperson]

It is over.

[dental]

Finally, time to move on.

[beach]

It's over? What has happened that changed things for you?

 

Hugs

[aliveagain]

It is over.

 

 

I take it you have new information. Protect yourself, protect your children. Some people just can't be helped.

[agoodperson]

It's over? What has happened that changed things for you?

 

Hugs

 

We had a very long conversation about everything. Our children are not doing well and having been crying about having her come hone. She asked to come home again and said that we can just raise the children in a non sexual loving marriage. I absolutely turned that down and stated that I will not live that life. She said that I would break up the family over sex? I told her that she left over the same reason and that I deserve to have someone that loves me and appreciates me. She agreed and said she tried to get the spark back, but when it comes to sex with me, she feels pressured. Wtf? We haven't done **** in almost a month. So I went total 180 now...no modified version here. The kids took this very hard to say the least. I do want her home, but am not willing to settle for a loveless marriage. My question is this...does anyone have experience with a similar situation? If so, how long do you predict before she has a change of heart if at all? Basically let me know what to look forward to over the next few months. I believe this to be my last option for her to get her ****ing head in the game. If not, divorcee land herd I come.

[JS84]

I really think for the sake of your kids you need to take the steering wheel, stop dragging this out, and read the writing on the wall. File for divorce. Because this neverending limbo you won't take steps to get out of, is doing far more damage to your kids, than taking steps to end the marriage and coming up with a co-parenting plan for your children would.

 

You need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. It's like you're hoping for the best and have no plan whatsoever. It's not helping you, your wife, your kids, or your marriage.

 

I'm not saying your wife might not come around, but there's a higher chance she won't and that is what should be dictating your actions. Not the slim chance things will go back to the way they are.

[SawtoothMars]

I believe this to be my last option for her to get her ****ing head in the game. If not, divorcee land herd I come.

 

I had a higher paying job... dropped to 8% bodyfat... and had a new GF, before she came around and decided she might have made a mistake.

[JohnAdams]

I am so sorry to hear about the latest developments in your situation. I am pro reconciliation, however, for yourself, you may need to move on and divorce. You have tried, but, you eventually have to say for what?

[oldshirt]

 

 

She said that I would break up the family over sex? I told her that she left over the same reason and that I deserve to have someone that loves me and appreciates me.

 

 

 

Perfect response. Spot on. Bullseye.

 

 

I would think and say the same thing as I am walking out the door if I am ever in the situation.

 

 

she doesn't think sex is important and something to break up the home over when it comes to having sex with you, but she was perfectly willing to blow it all up to have sex with OM. It was ok for her to get her romance/sex needs met but she wants you to live an involuntarily celibate life in order to live in her home.

 

 

You are starting to get this. It was a long rough road for all of us to get you here and we are not completely there yet but you are starting to see the light and make progress.

[agoodperson]

Wow...I am fully convinced about the 180 plan. For those that read this going through their own struggles...it works! I told her that I wanted a divorce and that I was done settling for a half of marriage. I wanted a wife that wanted to make me feel like a man and was willing to fight for me like I fight for her. Well fast forward a few days and guess what? She had a massive change of heart. She wrote me yesterday to see if we could talk alone. So I said that I couldn't do it anymore. She pleaded. Finally, the shoe was on the other foot. I went over and guess what happened? The veryyyy loving wife was back. After all was said and done, she asked if she could come home. I said no again. Yes, we had sex. I told her that she needs to fight and prove to me that she can be the wife I need and more importantly deserve. She said that will be that wife and will prove it to me. Only time will tell for that. I basically told her that the kids and I were no longer visiting her at the apartment. That she needs to visit us at our home for now on. She needs to prove to them as well that she is ready to be a good mom. I told her that sex and passion are a must if she wants to start a new life with me. She said that won't be a problem anymore. I told her that I have to total access to all her electronics...she agreed. Then we had sex again. I know that when she was finally all alone with no prospect of having the life she was use to, she said it woke her up to how good I really was to her. She said that she withheld sex in order to make sure I loved her for her. I told her that was bull**** and it was unnecessary and painful to me. She asked me if I was seriously going to divorce me after the 2nd round of sex...I said absolutely. She was shocked to say the least. I will say this about my situation, I got the OM out of the picture early, but was to scared to do the 180 in the beginning. Once I mustered enough internal strength to be on my own, that is when I did it. It worked. Now I am going to make her prove to me that she is genuine in her feelings of remorse. She cried and apologized like she hasn't before. I told her it was about time. It has been a very long road to travel, but I am finally in control of my own life. I feel that even if this didn't work out, which I think it will now, I would be absolutely okay by myself. What would you all suggest as next steps?

Edited March 10, 2015 by agoodperson

[A.Moscote]

Be wise, be careful AGP. Of course be gentle and reasonable too.

[beach]

Wow...I am fully convinced about the 180 plan. For those that read this going through their own struggles...it works! I told her that I wanted a divorce and that I was done settling for a half of marriage. I wanted a wife that wanted to make me feel like a man and was willing to fight for me like I fight for her. Well fast forward a few days and guess what? She had a massive change of heart. She wrote me yesterday to see if we could talk alone. So I said that I couldn't do it anymore. She pleaded. Finally, the shoe was on the other foot. I went over and guess what happened? The veryyyy loving wife was back. After all was said and done, she asked if she could come home. I said no again. Yes, we had sex. I told her that she needs to fight and prove to me that she can be the wife I need and more importantly deserve. She said that will be that wife and will prove it to me. Only time will tell for that. I basically told her that the kids and I were no longer visiting her at the apartment. That she needs to visit us at our home for now on. She needs to prove to them as well that she is ready to be a good mom. I told her that sex and passion are a must if she wants to start a new life with me. She said that won't be a problem anymore. I told her that I have to total access to all her electronics...she agreed. Then we had sex again. I know that when she was finally all alone with no prospect of having the life she was use to, she said it woke her up to how good I really was to her. She said that she withheld sex in order to make sure I loved her for her. I told her that was bull**** and it was unnecessary and painful to me. She asked me if I was seriously going to divorce me after the 2nd round of sex...I said absolutely. She was shocked to say the least. I will say this about my situation, I got the OM out of the picture early, but was to scared to do the 180 in the beginning. Once I mustered enough internal strength to be on my own, that is when I did it. It worked. Now I am going to make her prove to me that she is genuine in her feelings of remorse. She cried and apologized like she hasn't before. I told her it was about time. It has been a very long road to travel, but I am finally in control of my own life. I feel that even if this didn't work out, which I think it will now, I would be absolutely okay by myself. What would you all suggest as next steps?

 

I would keep up this plan for a long, extended time - to be sure she intends to be consistent.

 

It's a start in the right direction but you need long term proof that she's not fooling you.

[CarrieT]

Concur with Beach.

 

The 180 is not an immediate cure-all. The healing process and read you said here:

The veryyyy loving wife was back.

This is what we call Hysterical Bonding.

 

She is putting on a good show to try and get back immediately what she lost. Explain that it will be a L..O..N..G.. and S..L..O..W.. process for both of you to realize that you actually want each other.

 

I would suggest six months - at a minimum - and possibly a year. Go to counseling and be a stronger person on your own. The woman who gave birth to your children is now a different person and you need to determine if you want THAT person in your life. She is different and you are different. Do those differences meld into a couple that will be happy in the long-term?

 

There is no way you or her can answer those questions while there is still hurt and mutual punishing going on. That is why you need to take time - and lots of it...

 

NOT living together and being a couple is the only way and the benefit of time is your ally in this regard. You don't need to make decisions quickly at all! In fact, the more time you spend apart, getting to know each other again, could be the best thing in helping you figure out if you really want her in your golden years.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't mean to be a bubble buster, but it sounds to me like she is now willing to do whatever you want for the sake of the kids...that includes giving you sex.

 

It makes no sense that she would be so adamant about not wanting to be physical with you and begs you to be in a non-sexual relationship for the kids and you say no and a few days later....she suddenly she wants you???

 

No. She wants to be a mom to her kids and will do whatever it takes at this point to do that.

 

I think that's her motivating factor right now...but it's something, I guess. Maybe something that will help her get back to being the woman you both remember?

 

Proceed with caution. Don't be so quick to think she's changing her tune just for you...it doesn't sound that way to me. Sorry.

[sandylee1]

AGP

 

I don't like to be pessimistic, but I would be suspicious of the total turnaround in a few days. It was like having sex with you was something she just couldn't do, then all of a sudden she changes.

 

Give it time, keep up your guard. I don't think she can keep the act up for months on end.

She may have had a change of heart, but if it were me, I'd be so apprehensive and mindful that in a few days, she could change her mind again.

 

I really really hope it works out for you, but please be careful. Your heart has taken enough over the last couple of months.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, I'm the one that suggested the 180 to you in the first place in your other thread. And I agree with the others, I've never seen the 180 work that fast. I get this feeling that she's backed into a corner and since you won't budge, she has to bend to get what she wants. So, she might be pacifying you to get back into the house, to the security and safety of the family. And to be financially stable again. Then, she'll try to rewrite the terms of your marriage once she's rooted back in the house. And at that point, there's nothing you can do because you can't force her out after that. Dude, she cheated on you and left her home and family to pursue this affair more openly. You have NO REASON to trust her at the moment.

 

 

If you think she's being sincere, the we have a saying around here, "trust but verify". I would strongly suggest that you go with your plan that she remains out of the house with her making the effort to coming to the house to visit you and the kids, to spend time together as a family. Monitoring her email, facebook and social media is probably a waste of time when she's out of the house and using her computer back at the apartment. No way for you to know if she's established a fake facebook account or set up a new email address. BUT! If you two are still under the same phone plan, you can request an itemized bill from the phone company for the last few months and see what number that phone has been calling or texting. You can see if she's still communicating with the OM.

If the car she's driving is in her and your name, you can plant a Voice Activated Recorder under her drivers seat securing it with Velcro and the next time she comes by to visit, you can pull it to see who she's talking to while she's driving.

 

 

Then, suggest that marriage counseling is a must and is non-negotiable. But! You have to do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. Don't go to any run-of-the-mill counselor that has an Oprah/ Dr. Phil mindset. Those suck because they turn it around on you. Like, she cheated on you because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. A counselor that specializes in infidelity won't play those stupid games and will make her own up to her own sh*t.

 

 

Remember, trust but verify.